I made the mistakes because I'm angry and hurt. Being a recovering "nice guy", I have never done well with breakups. When she started texting me last night I was not in a good place. Frustrated with my inability to calm the kids, it was good to vent to someone about it. She can be really nice sometimes and makes me feel like we're almost dating. I let myself get suckered in again.
I will not call her. I'll come here and post, call a friend, do jumping jacks. Anything but call or text the W. I put a rubber band on my wrist today at work. Anytime I would want to check my phone, I would snap it. My wrist was bright red, but I didn't check my phone nearly as much and did not send any initiating text messages. Just one reply regarding when I would be home.
When I got home tonight I chatted with W and D for a bit. W said she was so sorry for everything and hated that I was hurting. I totally faked it. Told her I appreciate her concern, but I'm actually okay and looking forward to spending time with the kids and doing stuff for myself. Then I took D to the store for some groceries. W hugged and kissed D and said nothing to me.
Had a fun night with D.
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
Don't backslide because of your frustrations, it's like starting all over. Use the 24 hour rule if it's not an emergency so you can gather your thoughts. I too often would reply to texts out of emotion and regret it an hour later.
Take a deep breath and post here. Oh and a lot of us have kids too! We know how it is. My boys challenge me on a regular basis. Today for ex one threw sand at the other and got it in his eye and he had a huge meltdown. Deep breaths!
Well done. This is all for you: you're the main beneficiary of your self-control. Even if you're angry and hurt, you need to remain under control if you want to make up for past mistakes and stand a chance. Do what works, even if it doesn't make sense for now. Your rubberband sounds like a good idea, an example of how you're truly taking the means to do the right thing. Also, it's good that you start by faking it, but you'll have to get there eventually. They smell it on us that we fake it and we're not really all that convincing. Also, it so much easier when it's genuine. I'm not there, but I have moments and they feel great. The earlier it comes, the more chances of R.
Hopefully, you understand that things will get worse before they get better, and you're ready to go through them without panicking or backsliding. This is hard.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Thanks T and Mozza. D is asleep and we had a really fun night. She such a sweet kid. I want to wake her up just to hangout with her. She's sharp for a 4 year old.
She kept asking why I had a rubber band on my wrist. I didn't tell her so daddy doesn't backslide and call or text mommy. Hopefully she never has to learn DBing terms.
Now that D is asleep, I realize that W is most likely seeing the OM for the first time since I discovered the A. Starting to feel pretty bad. Snapping the rubber band like a loon.
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
She's on her way home to get her workout clothes (she looks hot now, BTW).
Hardly any communication this weekend. I think the first time in 10 years we haven't talked everyday. Kind of mixed feelings about that. I was bummed, then happy. This rollercoaster isn't a fun rollercoaster.
I'm leaving the house while she's here. EJECT! EJECT!
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
I asked W to leave the house and cutoff money after she broke two boundaries (no contact with OM while I was at home and no artifacts of the A in the house) a week or so ago. She agreed and requested that I start paying her the amount we agreed on for child support. I was good with that.
Last night, she seemed to have forget everything discussed last week. W came home and spent the night, which I was okay with. It's a long drive for her and hard to get to the house every morning to take care of D while S is at school. Also, our D was sick over the weekend and she wanted her mommy near.
I was okay with this for a day, two days max. However, she acted as if she is staying here until the house is sold.
She also asking for money in addition to what we agreed upon. We agreed that I would give her the child support amount while she is out of the house. Our divorce isn't final and I know anything I give her is not "legally child support".
I have no problem paying her back for anything she spends on the house or kids. I have a problem with expensive salon visits, tanning, clothes, starbucks, etc.
She just asked me "why am I cut off again?"
WTF? Let's see, oh, maybe because you're having an affair and have fired me as your husband.
First, I feel like I need to make it clear that I do not want her living here full time. It's really nice though because she does a ton of stuff. She's also been very nice to me, but I feel like I'm living with an alien that has taken her form.
How do LBS handle finances?
My suggestion to her was to get a job. Hellfire was rained upon me. I don't she'll be getting a job soon.
I don't want to finance her affair, but I also don't want to be a jerk about money. Things are fairly smooth now and this has the potential to stir up everything.
Thanks for any suggestions.
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
My suggestion to her was to get a job. Hellfire was rained upon me. I don't she'll be getting a job soon.
I don't want to finance her affair, but I also don't want to be a jerk about money. Things are fairly smooth now and this has the potential to stir up everything.
She leaves the M and then doesn't want to get a job? Am I getting this right? How does she expect to pay for her bills?
We see this with a lot of LBS: afraid of "stirring up everything" of rocking the boat, of causing awkwardness, etc. This is indicative, in my opinion, of a much deeper problem with the LBS, one that is about self-perception, standing firm and earning respect. Your W's finances are no longer your problem. You're not being a jerk, she is, and you're being fair. Her life, her money. She won't tell you, but it will make sense to her as well. When she raises hell about anything, it's with the objective of having you backing up. The only way to her goal is over you so she'll see how tall you stand. State your fair position, then leave the room.
In my opinion, each day she spends at your place should be cut off from her weekly check. Align the incentives.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Thanks Mozza. I feel that I have been more than fair. I couldn't believe it when she texted me that I was being unfair, she needed more money, doesn't know why I cut her off. I almost asked her if she had been drinking.
I have made it clear to her that I'm not going to be her gay boyfriend. I'll either be her husband if we're married or co-parent of children if we are divorced. Not her BFF.
I don't even give my friends money and I would never ask my friends for money. Sure in an emergency I would, but tanning and starbucks are not an emergency. I don't make enough money for them to be emergencies.
WAW entitlement is crazy.
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
She has been a stay at home mom for the past 4 years. No current income. She has told me that she will not get a job until summer is over and the kids are back in school (August). She will be receiving child support.
Currently living with her mother. Mother covers rent, utilities, etc. W's only expenses are her debts, groceries, and other personal items.
When she worked, she was an admin/assistant. I have suggested part-time work in order to ease back into work life.
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
