Introduction - least creative title

[Closer2]

Tenbook, I have not read Five Languages of Love. I have seen the author's website and I will pick up the book.

I discussed the boundaries with my coach on our first call. However, she crossed one boundary last night and this morning. I asked her to leave the house after breaking the second boundary.

I really do want to make this marriage work. I feel guilty for the mistakes I have made, but I wasn't the only one to make mistakes. However I feel like she has constantly lied to my face time and time again.

This morning I found a letter from her OM. It was out in the open in our walk-in closet. I didn't snooping, it was just out in the open on a self. Her OM talked about marriage and how he would be the best step-dad he can be to her children (my children). More I love yous, can't wait to get married, etc.

She and I have been having regular sex with me since she filed and hasn't seen him since New Years Eve. I'll admit it, I know it was bad for me. It felt impossible to DB and still have sex with her. It has always been like a drug for me, I couldn't turn it down. After years of very little, I was pretty happy.

Now that she will be living with her mother, detaching, no sex, and minimal conversation will be easier for me. She will come home in the morning to take care of our daughter and pick our son from school. When I get home from work she can leave or she can leave after the kiddos go to sleep. I am also looking forward to spending more time with my kids without her around. I think this will be acceptable solution until the house is sold and I can move into a new place.

[Starsky309]

Tenbook, I have not read Five Languages of Love. I have seen the author's website and I will pick up the book.

I discussed the boundaries with my coach on our first call. However, she crossed one boundary last night and this morning. I asked her to leave the house after breaking the second boundary.

Very good. As hard as it is, you HAVE to follow through on the consequences. Otherwise, it's not really a boundary but more like a "geeIwishyouwouldn't."

Ending the sex is probably a good thing, as it seems to be messing with your detachment. I sure hope you were using protection when you guys were ML?

Sorry for this turn in your sitch, Closer, but it's never over until it's over. My wife and I went as far as separation, dating others, and meeting with a divorce mediator and divvying up all the holidays, birthdays, etc. before pulling back from the D abyss. It can be done. For now, however, you have to let her go and miss you.

Starsky

[Closer2]

Thanks for the support Starsky.

When I got home last night, I noticed she had packed up almost all the pictures and random kitchen stuff. I asked her why she started with pictures and random junk and not clothes? She said she was so upset all day that she wasn't thinking. She also mentioned that she broke down crying while at the pharmacy and that it all felt so real now. I wanted to ask why I didn't feel real while she was cheating on me, the attorney meetings, or when she saw me losing my mind? I didn't, I validated when it was appropriate and just listened to her. I think she's more upset about me finding that letter and ending the cake party she has been having.

I was calmer and happier last night than I have been in months. I think I feel better because I'm finally letting her go, accepted that our marriage is over, and have a plan now. A plan that does not keep me in limbo. It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I know the the emotional rollercoaster isn't over just yet. It will get worse as she starts spending more time with the OM, we clear out the house, and deal with just general divorced life. Still, I feel really good today and I haven't been able to say that since December.

I kissed my daughter goodbye this morning, told her I loved her, and would see her soon. Told the W "Goodbye" and left for work. No texts, no calls, no emails.

[Closer2]

I have only been dark for a bit over 24 hours and it's hard. It's also pretty awesome. I felt so much less stress last night and today than I have in months.

I also did some GAL last night. W sent me a few texts during the day and really ramped them up after about 5:30. Sending me pictures of our daughter, etc. I ignored all of them, which is a HUGE 180.

Late last night she sends "are you mad?" I replied to that one with "No". She kept texting trying to get me in a conversation and I finally said "if you want to talk, come over tomorrow night". She replied "maybe".

I had forgotten I have some GAL activities planned with one of my best friends before the M.

I want to tell her that we can't meet tonight because I'll be out. Should I just remain silent? Since she didn't commit to coming over to the house, I think any mention of it from me will be seen as pursuing.

[Closer2]

I have been stressing a bit more since Friday night. My GAL plans feel through Saturday and I've had waaay too much time to think. It's dangerous for me to think.

W wants to stay at the house tonight because spring break is over and school starts tomorrow. The kiddos are going to be tough to get up and ready for school. I told her I had no problem getting them ready, but she said she wanted to stay and pulled the "my name is on the mortgage to" card (she pays zero towards it). Figured it was a "pick your battle moment".

We going to tell the kids tonight. She wants to make it sound like it's a mutual decision. I feel like we're just lying to them. I think I will tell her we need to keep it general, not mention anything about who wants to divorce. Just let them know they will be safe, protected, and taken care. We're just living in different places.

I can't get the letter her OM sent her out of my head. He said he would be the best step dad to her kids (MY KIDS!). She said it was one-sided and that she had no plans to get married. I don't believe a word she says.

I'm stressing pretty hard. I want to talk to her about her plans and her plans for the kids, but I don't see the point if she won't tell the truth.

[Joe46]

Closer, our situations are somewhat similar. I can tell you that this other male telling her what a good step dad he will be is him sweet talking your wife IMHO. I know because when I was a single guy and back in my wild days, I used that line when I was lonely. My current wife had 3 kids when we met. I had been sober for 5 years when we got together. Being a step dad is not that easy. My step kids father was a scum bag who had nothing to do with them, and it still was hard. When the real father is a good dad and still in the picture all the time, it is even tougher for the step dad. Alot of times it works out. Alot of times it doesn't. Be the best dad you can be to your kids. That is all YOU can do at this point. That is my opinion.

[Closer2]

Thanks Joe. I'm doing my best. It's difficult to put on that happy face and act like everything is perfect. I feel like I'm lying to the kids. I try to rationalize it as "protecting" instead of "lying". That seems to help. I still feel like I'm lying to them just like the W lied to me.

W is on her way home. Hopefully telling the kids will go as smoothly as possible.

Trying my best to thought stop on the stupid letter. Will not bring it up tonight.

[Closer2]

We told the kids last night. They didn't seem to think it was a huge a deal. I didn't think they would. Their only concern was the dogs and their stuff. I'm sure more questions will come. Tonight will be the first night w/o W and the kids will be with just me. A situation none of us are used to.

I'm second guessing myself for asking her to leave the house for breaking the boundaries. She did express concern because of the driving she'll have to do, but before I could say anything she said that was actually looking forward to spending more time with her mom. Plus, she get's to carry on with OM while I'm at home getting two small children to sleep solo. Then I have to hope that she shows up before 7 AM so I can get S to school and she can watch D. My plan is to keep the kids busy doing so much fun stuff they won't even notice mom's not here.

I don't think anything has changed with the A. It has only come up a few times. Once when discussing what to say to the kids. I told her I would not lie if they asked me (I know they won't ask anytime soon). She got a little upset and said she was sorry she has "feelings" for someone else. Then again this morning when she knocked her purse off the couch and the letter from OM fell out. Her only comment was that she forgot she had it and will leave it at her mom's house. I told her I would be more than happy to dispose of it.

Obviously, trying to 180 from the detached person I was has not been successful in winning her back. I keep reading Sandi's post and realize it's not at all about winning her back. It's about letting her go. I'm afraid detaching now will make her think that I have reverted back to my old ways. This time it's not about her, I'm detaching to move on and not feel so dependent on her for my happiness.

GAL has slowly improved, but it's going to be more difficult now that I need to be home at a reasonable time for her to head back to her mom's. The boxing classes I want to start taking are over pretty late on Tuesday and Thursday nights.

[Closer2]

The past few days have been a rollercoaster. W has not been staying at the house and has been coming back early to watch our D while I take S to school and go to work. When I get home we eat dinner then she heads off to her mother's house.

Yesterday, felt good. Like was getting a handle on detaching. I was focused and not affectionate to her when I got home. Reviewed what homework needed to be finished before bed, spelling test words, etc. Ate by myself then went outside to play with the kids. W hugged and kissed the kids goodbye then started to leave. I told her goodbye as she was walking away. She turned around and said "why are you being so distant?" I told her I didn't mean to be distant. I just wanted to make sure everything was ready for tomorrow morning. Then started playing with D on the swing. She left.

W started texting me while I was getting the kids to bed. I think she gave them espresso or speed because they did not want to go to sleep. I was stressing out and I had her texting me at the same time. I should have put the phone in a drawer, but I didn't. After short answers and her asking me to just talk to her, I sent a message that was too long. Far too much information about how I understand that I made mistakes, understand how important good communication is in a M, want to remain good parents, etc.

She asked me to call her and I did. It was stupid, I had a perfect excuse to not call her and I still called. It's hard not to, but I should know better by now.

I discussed how the kids miss her when she is gone (they really do miss her) and she is welcome to stay a night or two during the week (dumb!). I also discussed co-parenting articles I had read and some recommendations for difficult children. She quickly announced that she would like to stay at home more during the week, but she does not want to be physical anymore. I didn't even bring up sex. She knows that is a trigger for me. I like sex and she looks better now than I can remember. Damn my pants!

It bothered me that she took the conversation in that direction. It bothered me because I'm a master of the covert contract (NMMNG is awesome, btw). I know I shouldn't even want to have sex with someone that is in an affair, but I do. It was disappointing to hear she wants to put a stop to it, but I realize it's not good for either of us to keep at it.

She then started to spew a bit and said she feels no love or affection for me. That she never felt the way a wife should feel for her husband. I listened and did my best to validate when I thought it was appropriate. Told her I could understand that it's hard for her to remember the good times we had and the positive feels she had due to where we are today.

She then said that she never had the spark that is true love with me. I attempted to explain that love is not something magical, but a decision. We both made the decision not to nurture love in our M. I feel I was more articulate than that, but it didn't matter to her.

I changed the subject back to the kids and told her to have a good night. I had done enough damage at that point and was ready to head the sack.

This morning, so tells me to have a good day and that she has a birthday part for a friend tonight. A friend that her OM is friends with. OM lives a few hours away, but I know I would make the trip if I was him.

She sent me a text this afternoon saying that she does not want to stay at the house at all. Wants us to be platonic and start respecting the custody arrangements of the decree. I waited an hour to reply and just said "I agree".

Bad mistakes from my end. Definitely having a hard time dethatching. Going to have fun with D this weekend. I will take her to the American Girl Store and to a movie. We will have a blast.

[Mozza]

At least, you know you've made mistakes. But you knew that before they happened. So, why did you do them? How will you avoid them next time?

Go read sandi2's thread about wayward wives. Here's an extract.

Let me lump you and any other LBH'S together when I say you need to stop with the antics. They don't work, and you can make matters much worse. Which, considering she's in an A, moved away with the kids, and has the upper hand.......seems questionable, right? It's true, though, you can be your own worst enemy. The LBH can louse things up by trying all kinds of gimmicks to get her back. Ironically, it is when he drops all of that stuff and leaves her alone that works better than anything. Just stop trying to get her back, b/c it is causing you to do bad things.