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Sorry for not having very creative title. I'm not in the most creative of moods these days.

I am currently in what appears to be a "friendly" divorce with my wife of nearly 10 years. We have 2 children that I love more than my uncreative-self can describe. I love my wife very much (I was not good at showing it obviously).

My wife filed for divorce just before Christmas. Why is it so common for people to put such memorable stamps on the holidays?

I got the typical ILYBINILWY speech before she filed, but did know what it meant. There is an OM. I got confirmation on that NYE while at home and she was have a good time with OM. She is communicating with the OM. I'm sure the only thing that is stopping the PA is logistics.

She does not want to do any counseling or even entertain the thought of fixing our marriage. Both of us have been unhappy for a long time, but the guy in me wants to fix this. I can not even being to think about life as a part-time father.

I was not perfect in our marriage, but I never considered having an affair. I detached from our marriage and would get away from her by being on the computer, playing games, really doing anything to avoid her.

It was easy for me to detach then. Now that the bomb has been dropped, I'm having a hard time detaching. It was a massive wake up call for me. I quit avoiding her and I have started spending time with her. I actually like spending time with her now. I have become a better father during this process and spend as much time as I can with the kids and my wife. She likes the changes, but it is having no effect on our marriage.

I know these changes are a direct result her filing for divorce and her affair, but I can't imagine going back to the resentful a-hole I was before. I also know that I really need to detach from her, but I'm having difficulty doing that for a few reasons. First, we live in the same house. She is a stay at home mom and does not have a job yet. I feel dirty even thinking about kicking her out. She is great with the kids, on top of all the school stuff, etc. Second, we are getting along REALLY well. As a guy that spent the last several years hardly "doing it", I'm having a hard time saying "no". I do not want move out, but I also don't want her to leave.

I have made mistakes. I have done the begging, pleading, etc. etc. I'm stressed out because after the 60 day cooling off, this divorce will probably be finalized. My mistakes are a direct result of feeling a time crunch.

I feel like my only option is to just let her go. I'm having a hard time accepting that this process could take years. I fear that detaching will rebuild old walls between us and give her the free time to spend with the OM.

Anyway, I feel a bit better venting. I have been reading this forum for a few days and welcome any suggestions, feedback, or tips.


M:42 W:43
T:14 M:10
S:9 D:5
W filed 12/22/14
EA 12/31/14
PA 4/10/15
D final 5/13/15
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Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.


Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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Hey

Sorry for your situation. Very similar to mine. Cadet is spot on. You have to gal and detach. Spend time with your kids. It's tough. I'm struggling. What you have to understand is your wife checked out a long time ago. She doesn't see you as you see her. You cannot control that but you can control you. There are loads on here with same story all at different stages, some years. What you find is the sooner you detach the better it will be. The people who have managed this seem to have developed an inner calm. They no longer worry about their wife's as they realised it is futile as you can't control their actions. They work on themselves. Being a better person and parent. The end result is that you become a better person with or without your spouse. Some reconcile others don't. Thats not really the point. The whole idea is about you becoming a better person. If that's with your wife, brilliant if not you will have new found skills to make your next relationship stronger I have a long road but the shared experiences in here give me hope. Hpoirot is a good one.

Not wanting to give you false hope but most affairs fail as they are built on lies and deceit. we all know the grass is rarely greener. Try telling that to your wife though....no actually don't smile don't take it to mean though that your wife will come out of the fog one day and think wtf have I done. She might still not want her marriage back but on the same hand neither might you. I think if your honest to yourself you see that you weren't happy either. I was the same so why would I want that back. My ego? To protect my daughter? Going back to the same would only see the same outcome again a few years further on.

Chin up

Plenty on here who understand and give good practical honest advice.


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

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I also welcome you to the board. Your feellings will be well understood here b/c most of the population has been in your shoes. I haven't b/c I was from the other side of the fence.

So you have told us about how you feel, but not too much about the problems. Why did you detach from your W? Why did you want to avoid her?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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I detached years ago. I can't really pin point why. I think a lot of my frustration was due to a lack of "physical activity". I don't mean running or mountain biking.

She has always been very reserved in that area and I never felt a strong connection. However, since all this has unfolded, that has changed dramatically. I'm stupid, I know why it has changed. I'm okay with that most of the time. However I do not want to be in an open marriage and she doesn't either (I don't think).

Detaching was just easier than begging for sex. I wish I had realized then that becoming closer, talking, being interested in her was easier than detaching AND begging.


M:42 W:43
T:14 M:10
S:9 D:5
W filed 12/22/14
EA 12/31/14
PA 4/10/15
D final 5/13/15
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I wouldn't say it's easier, but it is smarter. There is a lot of work in the alternative. It's called a good marriage. smile

You have to feed a M in order for it to thrive. If it suffers from malnutrition, one of the partners will eventually get desperate enough to find nourishment some another source.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Cloer2,

Welcome to the boards. I'm sorry you had to find them, but given your situation, it's likely to be one of the best thing you've done.

That was the good news. I'm afraid the rest will be bad news, but it's because you need to start from a realistic standpoint and see the way out of it.

First and foremost, you're right when you say that you are only at the beginning of a long process that will take months and maybe years. The issues you describe in the M, with mutual detachment and pressure for sex, cannot be resolved within a couple of weeks. Also, the attraction to the OM is like a drug and junkies don't get off of it easily. As Cadet says, you now have the gift of time. Be patient. Really patient.

One of your first task is to look inwards at what you've done wrong. I don't see much of it in your first post. You say you begged for sex, but you blame your W for not being more interested. If she wasn't interested in sex with you, there were deeper issues. You say you were a resentful a-hole, but you don't say how. Perhaps your W gave you some clues in her ILYBINILWY speech, perhaps since then. If you were emailing each other much, look for clues there with key words such as "pain", "hurt" etc.

Consider finding an IC. I'm no therapist myself, but I do see a lot of deep issues in your initial message. Just the self-deprecating title, which is a theme that runs through your post, suggests that you may have self-esteem or "people pleasing" tendencies. The book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" is often recommended around here, though I haven't finished it myself.

Another very difficult question you have to ask yourself is whether you really want to save your M. Sure, the answer is obvious to you right now because you feel it. And you'll get the support of this community if that's what you want. But you describe yourself being an a-hole and being detached. You have to dig deep to understand why you were like this and whether this is really the W who can make you happy. This might be easier to sort out in a few months, when the initial panic wears off, but it's important. Vets have seen many people fight for months and then turn around when the WAW wants to come back. They wanted to win or they had idealized their WAW.

As for the PA with the OM, prepare yourself for the worst. It's a common pattern here that people say nothing happened, yet are crushed a few weeks or months later when they discover the truth. You say that the logistics get in the way, but people in love figure out the logistics pretty quickly, even if their respective beds are not available.

I'm not a vet, just a newbie like you, some 4-5 months ahead of you. Listen to vets like sandi2, 25yearsmlc, MrBond, Starsky309, Cadet, Wonka, LITB, Train, etc. They've succeeded at DB and are now sharing their insights. They have slightly different takes on DB, so be prepared to apply your own judgement to the conflicting advice you might get at times.

Some tips for these Boards.

- Create your signature under your profile. Look at mine for an example.
- Read the book The Divorce Remedy (DR). People will be reluctant to give you advice if you haven't done so. Plus, it's really the source of the philosophy around here.
- Don't be too cryptic, even if you're uneasy with certain topics. Sex is referred here as sex, ML (making love) or intimacy. Tens of people read you so you want to reduce the risk of misinterpretation.
- Read around to find people like you. Some are in a in-house separation like you, some have a stay-at-home W, some have a "friendly D" (like me), someone's WAW might be like yours, some LBS might be like you, etc.
- Comment on other people's posts, offering at least your support initially. Respond to people who com,ent on your thread.
- Don't become one of these people who do the opposite of DB in real life, then come to the Boards to confess, hoping it somehow cancels out. DB for real.
- Don't spend too much time on these Boards. Your sitch won't be resolved here, it will be resolved in real life. Find the balance where you get the advice you need and give back, but don't become obsessed or somehow imagine that spending all your time here means you're working on the M.

Fasten your seat belt.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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Closer2 Offline OP
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Mozza,

Thanks for the reply. I appreciate your response.

I have no doubt I need to find an IC. I don't feel that self esteem is a big issue for me. However, you make a good point. This situation has hurt my self esteem. Possibly more that I realized.

I think that my biggest mistake in this marriage was not communicating. I did not talk to her about anything other than basic chit chat. I don't think we ever talked about our plans for the future. We never discussed family trips, what will the kids be when they grow up, or what our future may hold. I've been trying to pin point when that break down occurred and I think it was just before our first child was born. I remember feeling that any conversation would lead to an argument. So I kept all conversations to a minimum. Since that seemed to be a good way to avoid arguments, I held steady until I got the divorce papers 8 years later.

By not communicating with her, removing myself from the marriage, I never had a true understanding of what she needed and wanted in a marriage so she could be happy. Over the past month we have been talking more than we had the past few years. I can't begin to tell you how awful I feel for my past actions. The pain I feel for not making her feel like a wife should feel, for not making her feel loved, wanted and happy hurts me greatly.

I have been working hard this past month to be more open with her and we have talked several times about issues that have brought her to this point.

She has noticed the changes I have made. I have been spending more time with the kids, focusing on projects around the house, and talking to her. She worries that they're only short term changes, which I completely understand. To me, I am really enjoying being a better father and husband.

I have been thinking about if I really want this marriage to work. Right now it's a hard question for me to answer. I dread the thought of not seeing my kids every single day of my life. I can't imagine living without my family. However, we really do not have much in common. She feels we made a mistake getting married and I am starting to think she may be correct.

I finally made it to one of the few book stores left in the world and picked up DB and DR. Reading them now.


M:42 W:43
T:14 M:10
S:9 D:5
W filed 12/22/14
EA 12/31/14
PA 4/10/15
D final 5/13/15
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 110
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Closer2 Offline OP
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I finished DR yesterday. I moved my focus to DR while about 1/2 way through DB. DR has been very helpful and I understand much more about the potential state of mind she is/has been in.

I do have a couple of questions regarding the 180 and sandi2's rules. Due to my detaching from the marriage a few years ago, is a 180 for me taking more of an interest in her, the kids, the family?

Over the past view weeks I have been much more involved with the kids and with my W. Sometimes the involvement with my W leads to sex or just sitting in bed talking. She frequently tells me that she is proud of these changes and feels that it will help our future relationship as a divorced couple and any future relationships with a significant other.

I have stopped planning dates, I only include her in activities with the kids. She even suggested that we spend V-day together. However, just when I feel that progress is being made, she will shut down and push me away. It's frustrating for me to feel that I am having some small successes, only to have her start talking about a future apart.

Today she met with her attorney to draft the final decree.

I think it's time to do another 180 and definitely focus only on the kids and myself.

I have learned a lot from reading DR and making way through DB. I have also gained so much knowledge from these forums. I wish I had discovered these books and forum BEFORE I was married.


M:42 W:43
T:14 M:10
S:9 D:5
W filed 12/22/14
EA 12/31/14
PA 4/10/15
D final 5/13/15
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 429
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Closer, you are right to to that 180. Right now she is not really thinking about you at all. I've heard some of the same things from my WAW. The thing I've learned, and am still struggling to fully implement, is to focus on myself and my son. At the end of the day, he and I will be a constant. Your W may or may not come back to the M. If she doesn't, you need to be prepared to move forward with your life and be the best father you can be for your children.


M: 8.5 T:10
Me:37 W:34 S:6

Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15
Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
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