Another question I have is should I split our financial accounts to show independence or just continue with our things joined. I want to show that I am capable of moving on but I don't want her to think I gave up and we are completely finished. Thank you in advance.
I forgot to mention that I have filed a investigation against the other military man. For adultery and un-becoming of a non-commissioned officer. So she is not happy about that! Was this a bad move. Soon the no contact order will be in force.
I think this is a good move, and I did the same thing pretty much. My wife's OM was in the police academy, studying to become a police officer. I found out that as part of the "public review" process, I could write a letter and have it put in his file and considered as part of his overall fitness, and "moral turpitude" was one of the disqualifying criteria. Unfortunately, they still named him to the police force, but I felt better that I had done the right thing.
Good morning, To recap what happened lastnight. I got home and she had left me a massage on the fridge saying she needed time to pack for her school trip this coming week. I said that Wednesday is the only day good for me, because I will be out a little late so she could have her time. Because at this moment she and I are not on seeing terms, guidance from her psychologist. i did not leave any room for debate, I was not rude but I just didn't leave it open ended; was this ok.
The post I made about acrobatics was cleared and posted too late. I accepted the invite on the premise she would not be there. But what I didn't know was one of them informed her that I was going to be there just trying to get out of the house. I didn't see anything wrong with this approach because the person I was with is very neutral party and very nice. W and OM did not show up. Let me know how you all feel about that decision. If advised against I will drop instantly. saving my marriage is #1.
How would I go about expressing to my W my expectations and my displeasure with her being with OM while she is supposed to be finding herself. Or should I just let it be and let my actions show her I am able to move on without her.
I am struggling detaching and still staying invested Yeah. In the thick of things, the two don't seem to go together, do they? I understand. But it helps to understand that detaching doesn't mean giving up. It's simply a way for you to maintain your sanity while your W is running around, acting INsane because she's being led on a wild goose chase by out-of-control brain-chemicals. Detaching isn't saying, "I don't care." It's saying, "I care *too much* to allow your current behavior to deter me from working on myself and trying to salvage our M." If you continue to have expectations of your W during this time (i.e. if you can't find ways to detach from her words and/or actions), you will be disappointed and - worse - discouraged. And angry. And sappy-sad. We want you to stay so busy GAL - which leads to detachment - that you don't have time to feel any of those negative emotions right now. Your W's behavior is going to send you spinning if you don't detach - and THAT is where people screw up and take major steps back in the process.
So, see? Detaching has little-to-nothing to do with your W, actually. It's for YOU and your peace of mind so that you can be the best broken possible. You will need as much peace of mind as you can get.
I did not want to give the impression of "go do what you want including him." So my question would be how to correct this. This wasn't a "make it or break it" moment, so don't sweat it. You could have written about elephants in a three-ring circus, and she would have found a way to make it say what she *wanted* it to say. In other words, she was going to do what she wanted to do, with or without your permission. Your words didn't make her go. They just gave her some "justification" to use against you, if that makes sense. (But again, she would have found justification in *any*thing because she was LOOKING for it.)
Don't worry about "correcting" anything. This wasn't a big deal; you just asked if it was the wrong message, and I replied to that question. Don't sweat the small sh!t. And don't go trying to correct yourself if/when you step in a pothole. A wise friend once told me: "When you find yourself in a hole, stop digging."
As far as the acrobatics thing they only want to work with me on Mondays. Days that W and OM are not there. If this really is a bad idea I will stop. I want to do what is best to get my marriage back. Is this something you've picked up just since W and OM hooked up there? Because if so, I would encourage you to leave it behind ... and quickly. Why? Because it looks like you're trying to compete with OM, by doing something he does. He's NOTHING. A symptom of your marital problems and not the problem itself. He's scum on the bottom of your shoe. So seems to me that he (and anything he does) would be the last person on the face of the Earth you'd want to be (or "emulate.") Also, W is going to feel stalked if you just joined this after knowing OM was involved in it ... even if you're going on different days.
Drop any pressure you're putting on your W. She will respond to pressure by running away, at best, and lashing out. The less pressure she feels from you, the better.
I know that this happened in a moment of weakness. I wouldn't bet on it.
I will continue the tough love approach. This is very wise.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
should I split our financial accounts to show independence or just continue with our things joined. I want to show that I am capable of moving on but I don't want her to think I gave up and we are completely finished.
I will defer to Starsky for a final word on this, because this is one of his specialties.
Fwiw, I would split the accounts asap so that you aren't helping fund her A. Forgive me if you've mentioned it and it is slipping my mind right now, but does she have a job?
If you do decide to split the accounts and if W balks, I would put my hand up and say: "W, this is not what I wanted, but I will NOT live in an open M, and I will NOT help fund your A." And then walk away.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Amazing advice! 
