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Originally Posted By: RysinMn
I agree train, this break is amazing timing. Now other service member "OM" has a no contact order from her. The best part about it all for me is he is showing his true colors, although she doesn't see it yet. This man continues to go to gym and acro and told her she cannot go because of the no contact order. I was stunned. And of course she blames me forcit. Although this dude is choosing himself over her she can't see yet. But it will come to light one day. I just have to be strong. Hold to my convictions and stand my ground. You guys/gals can't forget you train, have been amazing.


It will take a while for her to get these lessons so I wouldn't wait around for it. But I'm glad you understand the process and how the world works.

Many WAS are very hard headed and will go back after it even harder next time, they cannot simply have been wrong...

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smile Enjoy your family.


M: 40 H: 44
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Thank you, I will still struggling with this being alone thing. Have not been alone in 8 years this is a bit tough. I did hold down the urge to email the W. A small Victory but a victory none the less.


RysingMan

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That's no "small" victory this soon in.

You're doing great.


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thank you Train,
I just have to stay strong. I am really running through a ton of emotions, at one moment i want to divorce her and give her what she wants because i know she will soon see who and what the OM really is. then there is that fighter in me that wants to hold onto what i love and fight for her and be strong until she sees her errors. so many emotions coming and going its tough to digest and focus. lol... anyone have any ideas to cope besides GAL. cause at this moment i cannot GAL!


RysingMan

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I am really running through a ton of emotions, at one moment i want to divorce her and give her what she wants because i know she will soon see who and what the OM really is. then there is that fighter in me that wants to hold onto what i love and fight for her and be strong until she sees her errors.

There. smile

Look, buddy, step back for a minute and see if you follow me: You are doing exactly all of the above (minus the D part; that's why it's struck now wink ), right this very minute!! You are going to tell her that you know about the ongoing A. You are backing out and letting OM meet all her needs. Those things could very possibly lead to the A ending sooner than it otherwise would have.

I wrote about this on someone else's thread recently, I think. There's this really cool thing that happens when you expose the A to your WAS and then back wayyyyy out to let OM meet your W's needs. First, the A loses its main appeal: Risk and secrecy. And then the two people in the A start to see each other for the people they really are, warts and all. They start feeling the weight of stress instead of the bliss of forbidden ecstasy. They start seeing how the other person deals with real-live stress. And keep in mind that cheaters are fundamentally selfish people, and relationships between two selfish people - for obvious reasons - usually don't work out.

In other words, once the veil of secrecy is lifted off the A, the APs start having real-life problems ... the same kind of problems that your M had. If you are completely backed out, W isn't focusing on YOUR "warts." She's focusing on OM's. (Now, if you start acting silly and staying up in W's face, then you put the focus back on YOU, which just prolongs the time it will take her to notice OM's warts.

And with all her focus on OM - who's a fundamentally selfish person who obviously cares more about himself than your W - your W *might* start to realize that maybe you (and your M) weren't so bad, after all.

So let's circle back to this:

I am really running through a ton of emotions, at one moment i want to divorce her and give her what she wants because i know she will soon see who and what the OM really is. then there is that fighter in me that wants to hold onto what i love and fight for her and be strong until she sees her errors.

Do you see, now, how you're doing BOTH at the same time? You are fighting for her BY backing out and giving her what she thinks she wants. Two purposes, one action: Couldn't be more simple. wink

anyone have any ideas to cope besides GAL. cause at this moment i cannot GAL!
Yes, you can. I know you don't feel like it, but it will be your saving grace. I promise. FORCE yourself to go do something fun or daring or adventurous. It can be alone or with friends. Fill up your calendar. This will give your mind a MUCH-needed distraction from your circumstances. It will make you feel better, and it will make you more optimistic. That, in turn, will help you be more genuinely optimistic around W. It is also KEY to helping you detach from your W's actions right now. And if you can't detach, you're going to end up spinning ... and W is going to notice ... and then you will effectively turn W's attention back on YOUR warts.

No bueno.

Keep going, buddy. You can do this.


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Originally Posted By: Train
I am really running through a ton of emotions, at one moment i want to divorce her and give her what she wants because i know she will soon see who and what the OM really is. then there is that fighter in me that wants to hold onto what i love and fight for her and be strong until she sees her errors.

There. smile

Look, buddy, step back for a minute and see if you follow me: You are doing exactly all of the above (minus the D part; that's why it's struck now wink ), right this very minute!! You are going to tell her that you know about the ongoing A. You are backing out and letting OM meet all her needs. Those things could very possibly lead to the A ending sooner than it otherwise would have.

I wrote about this on someone else's thread recently, I think. There's this really cool thing that happens when you expose the A to your WAS and then back wayyyyy out to let OM meet your W's needs. First, the A loses its main appeal: Risk and secrecy. And then the two people in the A start to see each other for the people they really are, warts and all. They start feeling the weight of stress instead of the bliss of forbidden ecstasy. They start seeing how the other person deals with real-live stress. And keep in mind that cheaters are fundamentally selfish people, and relationships between two selfish people - for obvious reasons - usually don't work out.

In other words, once the veil of secrecy is lifted off the A, the APs start having real-life problems ... the same kind of problems that your M had. If you are completely backed out, W isn't focusing on YOUR "warts." She's focusing on OM's. (Now, if you start acting silly and staying up in W's face, then you put the focus back on YOU, which just prolongs the time it will take her to notice OM's warts.

And with all her focus on OM - who's a fundamentally selfish person who obviously cares more about himself than your W - your W *might* start to realize that maybe you (and your M) weren't so bad, after all.

So let's circle back to this:

I am really running through a ton of emotions, at one moment i want to divorce her and give her what she wants because i know she will soon see who and what the OM really is. then there is that fighter in me that wants to hold onto what i love and fight for her and be strong until she sees her errors.

Do you see, now, how you're doing BOTH at the same time? You are fighting for her BY backing out and giving her what she thinks she wants. Two purposes, one action: Couldn't be more simple. wink

anyone have any ideas to cope besides GAL. cause at this moment i cannot GAL!
Yes, you can. I know you don't feel like it, but it will be your saving grace. I promise. FORCE yourself to go do something fun or daring or adventurous. It can be alone or with friends. Fill up your calendar. This will give your mind a MUCH-needed distraction from your circumstances. It will make you feel better, and it will make you more optimistic. That, in turn, will help you be more genuinely optimistic around W. It is also KEY to helping you detach from your W's actions right now. And if you can't detach, you're going to end up spinning ... and W is going to notice ... and then you will effectively turn W's attention back on YOUR warts.

No bueno.

Keep going, buddy. You can do this.


And THAT, folks, is how it's DONE.

whistle whistle whistle whistle


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BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

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When my wife and I are interceding with a couple coping with infidelity in our church there are times the wayward spouse will indicate that my wife told her x,y and z and such was NEVER indicated by my wife. We try to remember to forewarn the betrayed spouse that they can double check with us if their wayward spouse indicates we advised or told her to do something and it doesn't seem consistent with the overall plan. It's not always because they are flat out lying....though that is typically why it happens as they use whatever they can to manipulate the situation while they are still covered in sin, however sometimes they just hear what they want to hear.

Also, informing the military of OM's behavior is precisely what needed to be done. Adultery is still illegal in the military so all you've done is report a crime. It's your duty to report the crimes of fellow servicemen. OM is jeopardizing his unit and the honor of his command. This is bigger than just you and your wife. No matter what they they SHOULD, at the very least, order "No Contact".


The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
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Ok I agree, thank you. I see that you are right. She needs to see things in,her ownctime. And as long as I prolong this it will drag on. From today forward I am stepping back. Thank you train


RysingMan

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Good morning everyone,
Today I am sitting at my brothers house watching Dora Dora with my amazing and beautiful niece. But I might as well be a million miles away. I woke up missing W more than anything. And I feel that hurt and anger and feeling of lose and defeat start to creep up in me. I try and tell myself W is not herself right now and she is just as lost as I am actually probably more, but I still can't pull myself out. Last night a friend told me W and OM were out with a group even though there is a no contact order on him. I finally had to say "hey just have to let her figure herself out and step back" but its so hard when everything I have done for the past 8 years I had my W/best friend with me. And it doesn't help my entire family loves her and continually asks about her. I am struggling this morning and i hope I can climb out of this funk.


RysingMan

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