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Vanilla Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Maybell
V, every time I check in on you I feel like there's nothing to add because you are a BOSS. Love seeing what you have to say, here and on others' threads.


Thanks Maybell, but there are times I feel really sad and weak inside so it's lovely to know that you vets think I am on the right road.

I have still not finished your threads and I prefer posting if I know the sitch a little. I finally reached the end of the threads of the phenomenon called goat gal and I do trust everything is ok with her. This was on the direct instruction of Wonka who suggested goat gals threads as inspiration and her approach was my model until I found my feet a little bit.

Maybell , I am one of your greatest fans here.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Curious case

This morning H

H:I went to bed at 9:30 you know and slept until this morning
Me: excellent you are getting plenty of rest
H: I am driving to Brighton this morning I feel like a drive out and I need a hair cut
Me: blow some cobwebs hey?
H:yes it will be good to give the car engine a run, then I will bring the mail to the office

So fellow DBers this is a multiple tick box questionnaire, what is H really doing?
He will bring back mail so we know he will go to Brighton. Brighton is 2 hrs away. Bear in mind the next person to visit Bton after tax year end will be V
1. H wants a good run in his car
2. The sea air will do him good and OW wants a quickie
3. He will come back with a haircut despite hairdresser being shut on Mondays
4. OW left something in Brighton
5. H left something in Brighton
6. The flat was left with incriminating evidence of OW, condom wrapper, champagne (no H brought that back)
7. There is a letter H wants to hide, love, divorce, loan lease (Bton is H main res)
8. He forgot to turn the Emerson heater off
9. He left the windows open
10. He is uncertain about any of those things
11. All of the above

Let us wait and see, will report back

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 01/26/15 09:51 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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gan Offline
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V, you forgot the all important:

12. None of the above

wink

I just wanted to reinforce Maybell's point. I think you are pretty awesome, too! You carry yourself with such class.


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
gan #2531023 01/26/15 10:31 AM
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13. He is setting up a romantic surprise ready for Vs next visit
14. There are seagulls in the bedroom which he needs to remove
15. he has a collection of antique spoons which he is getting valued


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
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Vanilla,

I want to echo whats been said in that I respect you immensely and am incredibly grateful for the support and guidance you offer me and others around the board. I think you offer a lot of really wise advice and love you attitude to GAL

So please take what i'm about to say with this ^^^^^ in mind.

It might just be me but when i read your posts about your H I read a lot of negative expectation and judgement (A lot of Jackal language). I know his behaviour is pretty atrocious so i'm not in any shape or form trying to excuse that, i'm just wondering whether there is a more to it.

I've struggled with how to ask this so the phrasing may not be great. When I read your posts I sense a lot of anger but in reading all your posts and looking at your amazing GAL activities (and the fact you have locked up the screaming banshee) I find myself wondering how you are processing and/or releasing that anger?

If i've got this all wrong then that is my misunderstanding and I apologise.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
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HI Vanillia, as Jim has posted, you have no idea why he's going there. You are letting your thoughts win. He is going for a drive and that's that. Don't worry why. You are very strong and so helpful to others. Think about Vanillia, don't let your imagination trick you, try to deal with facts.

Imagine me giving you advice !!!!!!!!!1

Take care RD

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I think, just my thought, that nilla is like me she needs to do the negative thing to keep in her mind the next thing night be a huge whallop in the face from,him with a wet fish.

When they are that unpredictable it's just a protection mechism. So you are prepared.

M h looks like h was expecting a truck this weekend. My thought is ow moves in. It makes me laugh, I'm not sure why but that thought did.

Complete opposite of what any one would expect, it's not scarsatic nasty. It's what I thought would happen, it's kind of what h told me would happen.

Although I thought he might have moved to her, given his lies and poop in his nest being stinky. People are smelling dead fish round him, my guts telling me he's gunna move on to fresher pasture.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
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Jim, RD Gan and Gg,

Thanks for your input. And I love your advice RD it is solid.
Gan I get it, yes, an extra item none of the above should be included, will do better in future.

I guess I am just bewildered by what H does and largely yes I do put rather a realistic spin on it, which tends to be negative as that is what I believe H's spew tells me. Benefit of the doubt more often probably due to H.

Jim, I am through the angry stage with H, more to the bewilderment and amusement stage. I have observed with H the less I say, the more H behaviour is transparent and the less he tries to hide what he is up too. But you are right I should also add a positive intent to H on occasion. V is not angry more confused and I have long ceased to wonder why H does the things he does. H has his reasons for H.

I am also protecting myself, making sure H has no access to my or my clients cash.As long as he does what he wants with his funds I have no issue, and as we are S, OW are non of my business any more.

Gg you are right, I look for the most likely explanations and if I am wrong I am pleasantly surprised and if not then I am not too disappointed. A compulsive gambler when in compulsion mode will spend all the cash they can get their hands on too, so a negative outlook can be a protective one. They chase for a win and can spend a great deal of money, the last time with H was 4 years of his salary, his house equity, his pension fund and he took loans and overdrafts. The he took the cash from the joint account (not much in it), the savings for his grandchildren. He spent so much time gambling and drinking that he was asked to leave his work. He spent his redundancy money and now lives on a tiny pension and the little I pay him, but he has just had a tax repayment so is back in funds in his bank.

Did I know this before I married H? No absolutely not.

My Gamanon mates keep me sane and the twelve steps mean that pretty much I can detach. I have to let H fall into his own pit. So I observe so that I can prepare for the next onslaught. But my anger is pretty much past with screaming banshee and my resentment is gone. Its more compassion with a boundary that I will not be abused. I have told H that this also means putting my livelihood at risk and my clients money exposed. I run a lot of trust and tax accounts so the risk is high. I have also told H if he steals I will report it. Having H around my business is as relaxed as I can go.

Anyway I was not far from the mark, had a text H at 11 am saying H was going to the casino (things are going well he says) and he is staying away overnight. However as I was typing this H turned up and says he changed his mind, he has a migraine and wonders if it is something more serious. H wants me to drop everything and go to the hospital with him. One of my lovely staff's husbands is going to drive him there and stay with him. I will keep in touch and follow on shortly. If H did not have a drink last night (as he claims) then he may be in detox and that may account for it. H knows my H1 died of a brain aneurysm at the age of 31 years old and so I am very wary of this type of headache with flashes.

I have changed all the log-ons to the bank accounts so H can not raid my personal bank and the joint account as he has done that before. If he does take cash from me then that amount will be deducted from his settlement but that means I have to borrow to replace the cash. Plus at this stage I would rather not add theft and police activity to the repertoire as I may lose my financial services license. H did tell me he was going to do everything he could to ensure the business failed (rant during agreeing fins) and I feel my best strategy is to protect myself from this.

I am trying to be as relaxed as I can be.

Vanilla


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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edz Offline
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Hi v

Trying times. Sounds like you've done everything you can do as a precaution and are at a position to either let it end or stand by with detatchment as you are doing. Its not an easy thing to do no one whos not been there can understand it that's why the forum is v helpful although its construction is working against me at the moment.

Hang on in there. Been Ill today and had the bft on the bed most of the day she has now vanished probably to hang around the kitchen. Shower and up to make a proper meal in a mo, then strip the bed and put on fresh sheets after being in them all day. Just wanted to say be proud of your bd efforts they're extraordinary. Looks like I have a new hill to climb in mine. Anyway ill check in later.


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
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edz Offline
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Sorry duplicate post there!

Last edited by edz; 01/26/15 06:17 PM.

M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
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