Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 7 of 11 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 557
K
Karma12 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 557
Anyone elses thoughts appreciated too


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
Karma,

A LBS is just that...a left behind spouse whose spouse walked away from the M regardless of the kind of WAS (MLCer or WAS).

Originally Posted By: Karma12

Now what do you thing...about the difference between a LBS and MLC. 25yrs thinks it's sll an excuse and I can understand why she feels that way. Your thoughts?.


I will let 25 speak for herself. However, both 25 and I are of the view that the underlying DBing principles continues irrespective if your spouse is a MLCer or WAS which is working on YOU. The danger we both see in some newbies is trying to excuse the WAS' behavior on a potential MLC when oftentimes it is not the case at all which prevents them from using the gift of the time to work on themselves.

In all of my years on the boards, I have told THREE newbies in the Newcomers forum that their spouses were definitely MLCers and referred them to the MLC forum because as a former MLCer I am able to spot a true MLCer from a simple WAS. Those three newbies were Jer, Gwen and GoBlue. Jer and Gwen both have set up their tiki huts over in the MLC pool area while GoBlue chose to hang out in the Newcomers area.

In your sitch, I am reluctant to label your H as a MLCer because I do not have enough information and data to come to that sort of conclusion. To me, your H is a WAS at the moment unless I see additional details to refute it.

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,532
Likes: 1
Karma12,

I've been following your stich from a distance for a few days now. I find it fascinating for some reason, perhaps because you seem so level-headed, so it's a respite from the frenzy that we so often show in our own threads. I also enjoyed knowing more of your background. Thanks for sharing.

First thing I wanted to say, is that you seem to have a very clear mind and a good idea of what's going on. Some suggest that you need to take a big step, but to me you're already on track. It's normal that you had a glimmer of hope recently and you handled it very well.

Thanks for sharing the letter. I encourage you to post your letters here before you send them. Many people have gotten great advice on how to phrase certain delicate things, avoiding mistakes and embarrassment. Sometimes, the advice is to send nothing! Also, it's unclear how we can help after the fact.

By the way, make sure you replace all names from anything you post here with the usual codes (H, SD11, [lawyer1], etc..) Privacy is taken seriously by the moderators and your stuff might be erased or you could be back in moderation.

I'm not a fan of letters at all, but yours started well and signaled a change of direction (yes to D). I don't think it useful though to guilt H over SD11's happiness, not coming from you. And MWD specifically advises against mentioning old pictures, good memories and the likes. I believe her that it does nothing to the WAS. Also, you still do a lot of hard selling by implying that you two were a good match, that you are what he's looking for. Apparently, this is counterproductive and the only way LBS will believe it is when they come to the same conclusion themselves.

Hope this helps.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
Karma,

We advise DBers to post their draft emails/responses here FIRST for feedback and suggestions. Not because you are not capable, but because newbies do not yet have the tools on how to DB effectively through email using the STFU and KISS principles.

Generally speaking, we do NOT encourage sending emails or letters to WAS because it introduces pressure for them and they actually push them away. Writing letters falls under the begging and pleding column. We would not want that, do we? No?

Let's dissect your letter as we cannot unring that bell, shall we?

Hi Scott,

I have had some time now to digest our convo from Jan 1. I know when we talked you asked if I wanted a divorce I said no. That was before I heard what you had to say. After hearing where you are are at I have to say that yes I want a divorce. I do not want to be in an open marriage. What did you hope to acheive with this comment? How's that keeping the road to home paved smooth?? You need to remember that many WASes speak in the absolutes and then later on change again. They're confused and many things escape their mouths that seemingly ring true when the opposite is "true." Make sense? I accept that you seem to be in a MLC that could take years to work through. Will Robinson!! Careful of assigning labels that you know nothing about and are in NO position to do so. How's that helping HIM? Not at all. Right. It does come across as being judgemental and superior to him. Ohh lala. After supporting you for many years and helping you achieve soul custody of Mikka I had hoped that we could have given her the life we promised. From what I understand from our talk it doesn't matter what would make Mikka happy or what would make me happy. Do I detect some resentment in there? Like he owes you something here? You are wanting to date with no expectations. Good luck with that. I wish I had known that before supporting you for many years.

It truly saddens me to see you become what everyone else told me you were before me. Why would you bring other people's opinion in your M? How's that helping you and him? If you were to reconcile with H down the road, how do you think he'll feel about this??! You told me you didn't want to be the typical married couple. Guess what neither did I. I thought you were going to be a fun companion. I have never been the typical house wife. I was so bored in the house. Whose fault is that?? Is your H responsible for your happiness?? I think not.

I made a slide show today of pics of Ryan. I had to go through many pics to put it together. It made me sad because I saw pics of us. We were happy and looked in love. Have you ever looked back at our pics. It seemed to me you erased all that was good in our past life. Slapping my forehead. Did you have to show him how weak you are?? Nope. Be the strong and courageous one. He made the CHOICE to walk away...not you. It is all on him. Yopu know the truth: you have had many, many good happy memories of your M and family. Right now, H is high on OW dopamine so he blocks everything out of his mind where the OW is concerned.

At this point I have to think of you as dead to me. The you that I knew is dead so I have to move on with my life. I am starting to date and seeking s life companion . Are you trying to "prove" something to H by making that sort of comment? Actions speak louder than words. And I know you don't want a D nor date others. Why even say that except to try to iniduce some jealousy in H. That never, never works. Trust me. Our talk was good because it helped me let you go.

I do hope you are planning on paying me out soon. You are in NO position to negotiate with H since you are not even in the D process at all. It just made you look weak in H's eyes. Why? You just created a perception that you "need" H for your needs. I have planned my mortgage around u paying me out. Considering I spent a good part of my DAds money supporting us and left you with everything in the house I think our agreement is very fair. What agreement? There's no agreement at all since you two are not in any D proceedings at this moment. Why get ahead of yourself here? Please let me know when you are able to do this. Thanks.

I am hoping once you pay me to take Mikka away this summer with Louise and Eileen to Mexico. Why do you expect H to pay you? He doesn't owe you vacation money. I am not undrestanding this part at all. Care to explain a bit more? I have some time off in July.

I hope you find what ever it is that you think will make you happy. I want only the best for you.
Once you pay me out I want to file for divorce either through Steven or Aaron. I don't care. Maybe its just me...but this smacks of exortion to me. That's how it came across to me. Imagine how H would view this?

Loved you once

Kerrie


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A word to the wise, please post here FIRST before you hit the send button. We could have saved you a world of trouble with this type of thing. I tell all newbies to keep it short and concise to 1 to 2 paragraphs.

Oftentimes, I tell them not to EVER send out anything to the WAS and let their actions speak for themselves.

Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 557
K
Karma12 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 557
Hi Wonka and Mozza,

Sorry I should have blocked the names. I didn't think first names would matter as they aren't full names. You are right Mozza it would have been better to post first. Even those of us that are level headed have our moments of weakness. when I realized the names were there I tried to edit but couldn't figure out how to.

Wonka we have a seperation agreement. H. Agreed to buy me out of my half of the house. He did that. He also agreed to pay me out $$ as soon as he was able to or by July of this year at the latest. I know he sold a piece of property and also received a pay out form his last employer. The agreement was made before I knew there was OW so I trusted him. Now not so much. I was very fair and trusted he would follow through. The reason for payout to me was because I had used my money to support us for a number of months. I didn't mind doing it at the time because I thought it will all balance out. I didn't know we would be splitting up so quickly following. H. earns much more than I do and has other propery and assets I never touched. He hasn't mentioned paying me and I'm a little worried he will delay or not follow through. I was telling the truth when I said I had arranged my mortgage around his paying me. I also left all of the furniture as it would have been too big for my condo and didn't ask for any extra money as I thought the pay out was fair. We did not have a prenup and I could have asked for half of everything including his other properties. I didn't. I only wanted back what was mine to start with.

Here the banks won't deal with you unless you have a seperation agreement. It is not a divorce so you can't remarry but it is still legal and binding. If you chose to divorce then the seperation agreement becomes part of the divorce. There is nothing else to do expect to file.

I do think my H. Is/has been in a MLC. He has even admitted it himself. He went through the depression and withdrawal stage. It was like he checked out and our marriage nose dived.

I am thinking Divorce may be the better option for me. 25yrs and others on the board have all suggested I do as well as my own friends and family. I need closure. I still feel too married. Plus I don't want to be his plan B. I feel like his getting closer to me a couple months ago set me back.


I agree with what you are saying Wonka. I know that WAS say things they don't mean. I have to agree though with what 25yrs said to me. I don't want to hold hope that he's going to have a light bulb go off. It's been 2.5 yrs already. I felt like the letter was closure for me. Some of it he will understand more than others reading he because he does know our history. I can't unsend it now.

Thanks for your help. I really am strong and independent. I do live my life. This has been a process. Please stick with me.


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 557
K
Karma12 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 557
I and a long talk with SD's Granma today. I had sent her my letter and she said I'm glad you sent it. She said....there is nothing I would have wanted more than you back in that house with my Granddaughter but he doesn't deserve you and you deserve so much more.

She's right. I do deserve better. I don't want to be with someone that is morally bankrupt. I found out he left SD home on Friday night until after midnight. That's after he was out all night already on Wed. and I had her until ten at night on Thurs. when SD complained about not wanting to be alone he said " I have to have a life" He told her it was her fault she was home alone because he had wanted to go away to his cabin with SD and his new GF. He said for a family weekend. SD said she's not my family and didn't want to go. SD is made because he says he's too busy working to spend time with her yet he has time to stop work and go see his new GF. What kind of example is he setting for her? Seeing him go from woman to woman. It's disgusting. Grandma is coming back early from their Island home because she is so worried about SD.

Soon SD will have a more of a say and she will be able to stay with Grandma more. I'm thinking the good side of ex H ( 25yrs I said ex! ) is really the lesser side and his dark side is who he really is. It just took me longer to accept that.


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 557
K
Karma12 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 557
We are so lucky here to have mild weather. I am heading our for a run. Yesterday I was looking and Looking for my sunglasses. They are Prada ( bought at Norstrom rack) and I swore I put them in my yoga bag. I looked all through my bag. No luck. I checked at the lost and found at my gym. No luck. I checked at the lost and found at my Yoga studio. No luck. Then wheni was lying down at the end of my yoga class it came to me. Had I thrown them into my washing machine with my Yoga towel? I checked when I got home and sure enough there they were. Luckily they had been inside the towel and not damaged going through a wash cycle. Hahaha. Note to self check towel before throwing it in the machine.


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 557
K
Karma12 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 557
Strange little thing I noticed about myself. While I went through my recent period of wondering if STBX and I would maybe reconcile my balance was way off in my yoga class. It was frustrating me because I had better balance a couple of months back. Now since I decided to move ahead in my life without STBX and file for D. My balance is much better again. I think the Universe was sending me a message! Lol


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 557
K
Karma12 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 557
Went for a run, the gym now heading to hot yoga. Tonight dinner out with a friend.

I thought about all the emotional abuse and mixed signals from Stbx. I let myself get sucked back in ( emotionally ). Now I know better. No more smooth paved road home. I just lay tire poppers out on the road home. Lol

25yrs thanks for helping me go from saying H. To Stbx. Thanks to you all for your input. I read and read posts getting more out of them each time.


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 557
K
Karma12 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 557
Home after a nice night out. Feeling better and stronger in my choices. ; )


Quote: You are never asked to do more than you are able
Without being given the strength and ability to do it


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Page 7 of 11 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard