RPP: Best Year Ever (14)

[Maybell]

I'm sorry about your work circumstances but it may be that in the long run this is a really good thing for you. Good luck tomorrow.

How did the almost NC feel to you?

[SunnyB]

How did the almost NC feel to you?

It felt pointless. Not sad or emotional just why shouldn't we act like friends?

For instance, H and I and whichever of the kids are around have breakfast together every Sunday after church. Today, because it was the church's annual meeting, there was only one combined service at the 10am time slot and H didn't play. None of us went to church today. And I kept thinking that H should call and invite me and the girls to breakfast like always. He didn't, of course, but why not? Why could we not keep a nice tradition? The NC just felt so dumb, but I wasn't going to be the one to break it. Well, I eventually did, but not to issue a breakfast invitation.

And when I did have to clarify the calendar issue, why did he have to be so short? Why could we not have exchanged a few words about our day? I had a nice time at the park with D12, and I made a nice dinner for the girls and D16's bf. In theory we could have chatted about any of that. And as long as he didn't bring up the duck I would have been happy to hear about his day. But none of that happened and I think its silly.

[Maybell]

I remember that feeling. It lasted a long time for me.

Almost a year after BD my dad surprised me by asking if I'd gotten angry yet. I thought I had but then I realized I really hadn't. I was still in shock.

It took four months after that before I issued the demand for space and went really NC. That was when I started gaining the objectivity to understand what kind of person I was dealing with (still wasn't even clear till our talk a couple of weeks ago. Now I know.)

I don't know about your H. Mine is a rug-sweeper. I think he'd rather lose his family altogether than face dealing with the damage he did. (And then feel sorry for himself that "things" turned out that way) He's been completely fine with NC, so far as I can tell.

Things can't carry on in the cozy way they used to. He's using that time differently now -- maybe with her. And there's too much in his life he can't share, because of her. And who even knows what SHE thinks of YOU, how jealous she might be of the time he spent helping you, etc.

I understand the temptation to compartmentalize the duck. And how nice it would be if we could be like Betsey & Mr. Wonderful. But I think it's early days for that. I think the time of NC is necessary for the relationship to evolve into something more relaxed.

[jim0987]

Hi RPP,

Does the days he can take the kids have to vary or could you agree some sort of schedule?

Maybell has a lot of good points about not knowing what is going on with him that means he is acting like this.

NC does feel dumb to me as well to because irrespective we have to coparent and that will be better for the kids if we can be friendly. But NC helps to heal a bit and may be what they want. Remember in the eyes of many a WAS, the LBS has to be truly hideously awful so that they can feel justified in what they've done, and until some of that dissapates - friendly is tricky.

Hope you have a good day.

[SunnyB]

I remember that feeling. It lasted a long time for me.

Things can't carry on in the cozy way they used to. He's using that time differently now -- maybe with her. And there's too much in his life he can't share, because of her. And who even knows what SHE thinks of YOU, how jealous she might be of the time he spent helping you, etc.

I understand the temptation to compartmentalize the duck. And how nice it would be if we could be like Betsey & Mr. Wonderful. But I think it's early days for that. I think the time of NC is necessary for the relationship to evolve into something more relaxed.

This does make sense, Maybell. Just because I'm ready to be friends doesn't mean he is. The hot and cold is just frustrating. I'll continue NC as best I can even though we aren't particularly good at it and I don't feel it's necessary from my end.

One of the families I met at D12's new school this year was a really nice lady and her really nice XH, who are best friends. Best friends, as in, she won't attend a school social function without him. They don't live together, but he pays for her to be a SAHM. Most people don't know they are D. I don't know that H and I could ever be like that, but I don't see the need to be distant to one another, either. But you are right, Maybell, the duck is a complicating factor on his side.

Does the days he can take the kids have to vary or could you agree some sort of schedule?

Jim, we have a parenting schedule for overnights that works really well. In addition to that, H will often pick up D12 from our house and take her to school. But that can't be a predictable schedule because of his work meetings and travel. Usually we cover that at breakfast on Sundays.

And I'm off to work. Joy.

[SunnyB]

I'm having a really, really bad day. Apparently, my boss announced my departure to the congregation yesterday at the annual meeting. He didn't tell me he was going to, he didn't tell me he had. Nice priest, huh?

[Ahoy]

rpp, sorry about the work thing. That stinks. Perhaps the priest needs to understand how that made you feel so he doesn't repeat the situation for others?

As for your H going from ice to nice, that is exactly the reason why NC is so good. It gives you some space for sanity, so you don't have to be subject to his fluctuating moods.

I understand the desire to be friends and have family time together, but with the duck in the picture, and his moods all over the place, having a bit of space for yourself might be good. It doesn't have to be nasty. You can just say that you're feeling the need for some space for a while. When I said that to my H, I told him, "Just as you expressed the need for space when you first moved out, I am finding that I need that space now. It's not forever, but this is what I'm needing at the moment." I tried to keep the tone amicable. This has been so helpful. The less I interact with him, the better I feel and the more I can focus on my own life and needs moving forward.

[Vanilla]

I'm having a really, really bad day. Apparently, my boss announced my departure to the congregation yesterday at the annual meeting. He didn't tell me he was going to, he didn't tell me he had. Nice priest, huh?

Does this mean you can network now? Approach members for contacts and so on for information on future prospects?

V

[Underdog]

Ahhh, ladies. I'm sorry for the absence. I've been training to be D17's caregiver, trying to work, and dealing with crapola like leaky faucets, plumbers, and such. A royal pain in the arse, I tell you.

And how nice it would be if we could be like Betsey & Mr. Wonderful. But I think it's early days for that. I think the time of NC is necessary for the relationship to evolve into something more relaxed.

Here's where you see that crazy person in the commercial: "DO NOT DO THIS AT HOME. THESE ARE STUNTS PERFORMED BY PROFESSIONALS." LOL. Something like this. The truth is 1) my bomb day was in 2002, not 2012; 2) we had lots of these types of interactions full of push-pull weirdness; and 3) occasionally we still do.

Did you ever read the rubber band theory? Read up on it. It describes these interactions perfectly. And since I was the research scientist in my own project, I can tell you with a whole lot of confidence that it is the truth for us today. For example, we sometimes travel together to D20's volleyball tournaments. (I know... it's weird... but it works for us.) We get along really well when we travel. But as sure as night follows day, when we get back, he goes all NC with me. Or if it's not NC, it's pretty close. We're back to business. In the beginning, it used to hurt my feelings. But somewhere along the line, I realized that it's a coping strategy Mr. Wonderful has *always* had when things got too close to the truth for him. I'd call it teasing, but I can pretty much say now that it's subconscious and rooted in childhood for him. It's not me. Yep, let me swing from this rooftop: IT'S NOT ME!

And I kept thinking that H should call and invite me and the girls to breakfast like always.

rpp, there is very little today that resembles life as I knew it when I was married. Occasionally I get some of these things, but they are not these types of routines/customs. Why do you have this expectation?

And when I did have to clarify the calendar issue, why did he have to be so short? Why could we not have exchanged a few words about our day?

See commentary before. He's trying to change the dynamic between the two of you. I totally understand that you don't like it. I really do. But even I don't have that kind of R with Mr. Wonderful, and we've been D almost 10 years. Yes, he *does* ask about my day. Sometimes. If he's not having a crappy day at work. And sometimes when he needs something from me, LOL. But it's not the same thing as when we were married. Again, where did this expectation come from?

So why not just approach him and say, "I was kind of hoping we'd keep the breakfast routine up after church for a couple of reasons: 1) we all seem to enjoy it, and after all, the kids are the ones we both love; and 2) it makes discussing our schedules easier. If this doesn't work for you anymore, what do you think we could do to accomplish what we get from breakfast?" Then zip the lip and see what he has to say... Ask for what you want, rpp. Don't just sit there and hope he can read your mind.

I'm having a really, really bad day. Apparently, my boss announced my departure to the congregation yesterday at the annual meeting. He didn't tell me he was going to, he didn't tell me he had. Nice priest, huh?

Aww, I'm sorry, rpp. I'd be hurt for sure.

So how about we turn this one into a positive? This is your gold gilded invitation to embrace your next step. There are no fuzzy, ambiguous feelings in this type of action, so sometimes they are the perfect catalyst to jump to the next lily pad.

Did I tell you that I was the bookkeeper for my D20's volleyball club for 7 years? I loved the gig. I loved the coaches, loved helping the families and loved my relationships with them. The pay wasn't good, but it helped offset her expenses. I fully planned to keep going, even after she left. One of my parent friends was on the board of directors. His D21 and my D20 were super close. And he and his wife are people I consider true friends. He wound up trying to convince me to quit that job after the club season their senior year. He hinted to me that one of the board members was turning into a real jerk. I worked tryouts (grueling), and even came in the day before I drove D20 off to NY to college. And when I got back from that trip, that board member fired me. I was hurt - for sure. And word got around the club that he had it in for me. I decided to take the high road and just say it was time for everyone to do something different. So my friend called me and said, "I tried to tell you. I was hoping you'd just do it. But now I'll say it out loud: you're competent, honest and a genuinely nice person with a whole lot of integrity. This is your curtain call, so take your bow and run out of this theater. Don't ever look back."

I did take his advice, rpp. It's been 2 1/2 years and guess what? That a*hole board member was cheating on his goregous and kind W of 30 years (with his admin asst), the club asked for the other board members to remove him for ethical reasons, and his XW is now the bookkeeper. LOL. He's a total a*hole. I found out later that the real reason he didn't like me was because I ask why, and I'm not a yes person. I called things out that needed to be addressed. He wasn't used to any female doing that, so he had to get rid of me. One of my really close friends there (who is now the director) periodically tells me how much he misses me; I miss him too. That's enough for me. I've moved on.

So sometimes, we need those kinds of endings to facilitate new beginnings. In fact, I just read somewhere "by not having an ending, you're denying yourself the beginning that you need". I totally dig that one, rpp. I tend to let things go in their own time, and allow natural death to occur - even if they're no longer in my best interests. I'm learning how to kill those episodes so I don't have to have drawn out endings. Because a fabulous beginning is somethings we all deserve.

I really like Vanilla's encouragement to network. I can vouch for the new face of employment: it's not what you know, it's who you know. I will go out of my way to hire or even interview people that come to me through reliable sources. It's that important to me.

So recap - right from Ahoy:

As for your H going from ice to nice, that is exactly the reason why NC is so good. It gives you some space for sanity, so you don't have to be subject to his fluctuating moods.

Repeat after me: It's all about H and not about me. Lather, rinse and repeat. Often!

Hugs,

Betsey

p.s. Are you feeling physically better?

[bdub]

RPP I agree with the NC crowd (surprise surprise). My reason is that the lact of contact will allow you to detach. Detaching is good so that when you do ease back into full contact mode (which you want) there will be less emotion involved. This will allow you to handle the nice to ice a LOT better.
As an example in my sitch WAW was going from nice to mean as a rattle snake. Until I detached I rode that roller coaster with her and it set my world on its ear every time. It messed with my work, my family, my boys and EVERYONE I was associating with. Most of all, it messed with me.
Now that I have detached I can see the changes coming. Even if I don't see them coming my reaction is to step back and let the coaster swoosh right on past me.