Happiness Can Exist Only In Acceptance

[HPoirot]

Hello Sandi. It is very kind of you to say I'll be missed. Thank you so much.

I'm back already, though, with a question.

Today we're having a bad snowstorm. S12 school got closed early. XW sent me a text asking if I would go get him. She shouldn't have to ask that as it is my day. In any case, I answer later "Hello XW. I'll get S12."

She replies later... "How are you?"

I don't answer for a while. I wasn't going to.

This time, with the storm, I said... "I'm fine. Are you OK with the storm?"

She replies later... "Yes. I am. I think of you. And I miss you too. I worry about you."

That I did not expect. I'm glad to be more detached than before so her text did not hurt or help me too much. I know at best she's being friendly.

I'm going to respond "I miss you too XW" as I think DB Coach Chuck would suggest.

No expectations.

Curious what you all think. Thank you all and take care.

[Karma12]

I heard there is a big snow storm heading to some of the Eastern States. Stay safe.

I would follow the advice of your coach. I've been told before to mirror behaviour. Your response would be appropriate given her text.

[Sotto]

Hi HP - just reading your sitch, and it struck me how different your posts have become in respect of your W. At one time, there was a real feeling of barely suppressed anger in everything you wrote to do with your W.

It's so different now.....good for you!

Toots :-)

[Vanilla]

Simple response:

Thank you W, your concern is very important to me and I am returning your warm thoughts and I am doing well.


You could add Karma style words "stay safe in the storms"

Lovely interaction HP.
V

[HPoirot]

Hello Karma, Toots, and Vanilla. I did end up texting "I miss you too" to my XW. That's fine but I did allow a tiny bit of expectation. That's no good.

Later she called me about our taxes. She said she cried on the phone with the agent. She gets very anxious about our taxes. I used to take care of that for us without really telling her what was going on. That was wrong of me and another part of our issues. Now that we're here... she has to call on her own.

We talked about the taxes. But we both talked tenderly... wistfully I think the word is. At the end, she asked if there was anything else. I was tempted to talk about missing each other. Instead, I just said "No." We said bye.

Then, she called S12. He was in a down mood as he gets when his ADHD medicine fades. He complained to her about having a headache. She called me and I got a little irritated with her questioning me about why he has a headache. She started saying she knows I'm taking the "burden" of caring for S12. I cut her off as gently as I could. I said we're OK... is there anything else. She said "No but..." I said "OK talk to you later" as gently as I could. I basically hung up on her before she could say anything else.

Later... I texted her "How are you W?"

"I'm OK. And you? S12?" she replied.

We traded some texts. I asked if she was good for heat and power in the storm. She asked if we had food.

I texted... "I know you can take care of yourself. I shouldn't have asked."

"It was nice of you. I appreciate it," she replied.

I left it there.

So it was a strange day. This morning, before all that, I put my wedding ring back on. Just for me... I was feeling to have faith my M would work out for the best. Maybe too much Joel Osteen.

I see how even the smallest amount of expectation can mess with your head. Her saying she missed me did get to me. "I'm right here," I wanted to say. "You don't have to miss me. Just come home."

But what she meant and what I wanted her to mean are different and will be different.

I would like to ask her what she's doing now. Tell her our TV show is about to start new episodes. Let her know she's welcome in the condo if she has a problem in the storm.

I want to reach out to her.

She can say she's thinks of me and she misses me. I can't respond to any of that. I have to let all that go. Every time.

It means nothing. Just messes with my head.

[HPoirot]

Ugh... I'm still thinking about this. Kind of thoughtless for a WAW to tell a LBH "I think of you" and "I miss you." Even so... it's my deal to not make a big deal of it to her. It's my not making a big deal of anything to her that get's her to the place where she can say she misses me. So... back to being dim and pulling way way back in a loving way. Still wearing my wedding ring. Months and months of this. Just keep going.

[sandi2]

You are still going from one extreme to the other. Just yesterday you were saying something about not responding to her.

Yes, temp checks messes with the LBH's head. When she said she misses you, my suggestion would have been, "What do you want me to say, W?" Or very calmly say, "How am I suppose to respond when you say something like that, W?" Or simply say, "Thank you" and leave it at that. After all, she was the one who wanted out of the M. So, hand it back to her. She is temperature checking you out. Now she has you texting back and forth again. So......she not only got her answer, but much more.

I know everyone doesn't agree with this, but that's okay. And if you want to lose ground again, that's fine. I am not suggesting you should be be rude (I never have), but find your equator instead of jumpIng from one pole to the other one.

[Train]

I know everyone doesn't agree with this

I, for one, agree completely.

[HPoirot]

Ugh again. Thank you Sandi and Train. Yes you're right and I see it very clearly from what you said. Last week I was at my equator with the not responding without being rude and she seemed to finally be getting it. I was successfully moving away from her. Then, after one "I miss you" text from her, I did lose ground on that and, worse, I felt it as I was doing it. I was even starting to wonder where she is and what she's doing tonight.

I didn't miss her the way she's been acting. Then, she gives me one crumb, and I'm telling her I miss her. Still manipulating me.

I'm worth much much much more than one "I miss you."

Thank you for the 2x4.

Back on track.

[PatientMan]

Let's set aside that, as sandi2 pointed out, you may be playing her game (part of the distance/pursuit dynamic ...also noteworthy is the 'Castle' analogy):

This is the distance/ pursuit dynamic at work. If you pull back as it sounds like you have, then her reaction will be to pursue you (wants to eat together, sleeps in your bed). What you should do is not react. This is the "castle analogy" written by Tumbling that helps explain what is going on and how you should react:

Imagine that the WAS is inside an impenetrable castle. WAS is deep inside the castle walls and has no desire to see the outside world. The drawbridge is up and there's a moat all the way around the exterior. WAS has his/her own world right there inside those cold, stone walls.

Then there's you. You're sitting on the other side of the moat. You've got a nice blanket laid out on the cool, green grass, and you're enjoying yourself by having a wonderful picnic all alone. You're absolutely content with this, and aren't even concerned with the castle and the WAS within (in fact, you've got your back to it).

Eventually, WAS gets a little curious about what's going on outside the castle, and decides to take a peek over the walls. WAS sees you, just sitting there enjoying yourself. He/She is surprised, because previously you had been throwing rocks at the castle, singing and dancing in hopes of getting their attention. WAS is wondering what you're up to, and why you're so content. After a while, WAS decides to lower the drawbridge and join you at your picnic. WAS sits down, and you just act as if -- you're happy, confident, etc. Suddenly, WAS realized where he/she is and what he/she is doing, and it scares the hell out him/her. WAS jumps up and dashes back to the castle for no apparent reason. You however, didn't even budge or flinch. WAS peeks back out to see what you're doing, and notices that you're still sitting in the same place, enjoying yourself without concern. Again, WAS is surprised, and eventually comes out again. This time WAS stays a little longer, but again gets spooked and runs back. However, you're still not deterred from enjoying your picnic. The WAS's visits begin to happen more and more, and they last longer and longer. Once he/she realizes that there is no risk for him/her (i.e. that you won't bring up the R, pursue her, get angry, become needy, etc), WAS begins to reflect on things, and begins questioning his/her choice to go to the castle. In time, WAS decides to bring up the R, and this is when you can discuss it with him/her because WAS is ready and has initiated the talk.

So you detach and GAL and leave her to sort her thoughts and join you if/ when she's ready.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2314623#Post2314623

So setting aside that you don't want to play that game, look how you are reacting to letting her back into your emotional world a little bit. It's emotionally dangerous, wouldn't you agree? Don't allow yourself to get too upset about it or beat yourself up over 'making a mistake', just learn that you aren't ready to handle her in that capacity yet.

(Metaphors and similes help me as I'm a visual person.) Think of 'detaching' as a pool and you don't know how to swim. You started to get in at the shallow end, but the water was too cold and you didn't like it. Now you seem to be used to the water temperature and are doing fine in the shallow end where your feet touch the bottom, so you got out of the pool, went over to the diving board, and dove right into the deep end. Only you found out you can't swim well enough yet and you are struggling!

Make sure you do your work in the shallow end before you even THINK about going into deeper water.

Be safe!

-PM