Amy, You need to understand that his crisis is not about YOU, but about HIM. It wouldn't have mattered if you were a beautiful model, have maids and butlers, etc., he would still run. His crisis is about his being stunted emotionally as a child/teenager and he needs to go back to that time and figure things out, face his issues, accept those things that he can't change and grow up.
If he had married someone else and/or remained single, the crisis would still have happened.
As for his comment about your perception of who he is and that it's not really him...he's telling you that he truly doesn't know who he is at the moment. He needs to find himself and he will do that, but it's going to take time. During the crisis, they will try on different "masks" and/or personalities to see which one fits the best. They are going to do things that are the exact opposite of the person you once knew, i.e., hence the mirror image comes into play. You will need to learn to accept him for who he is today because the man you knew is now in the mirror and will not return for a long time.
Bottom line, you didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. Wish him well and pray for him. You can be there as a friend, but you can't and won't get him to listen to what you have to say. Why? Because he has to learn these things on his own in order to grow up. He needs to experience life, make his mistakes and learn from them. Just remember, the more you attempt to "reason" with him or try to "make" him see things, the more he's going to pull away and use those talks as a excuse as to why he left. Don't given him the justifications. N
o more relationship talks. When he contacts you, be friendly and upbeat and keep your discussions light. Only contact him in the case of emergencies.
The only thing you can do is make sure that your finances are in order, i.e., separate checking accounts, continue to monitor all expenditures, i.e., credit cards, etc. Listen to what he has to say and do not offer up advice and/or your opinions...unless he asks for them.
His journey has begun and now your journey has to. It's time to turn the focus on to you, what can you do to keep yourself busy? Do you have any hobbies or projects that you've not done in a while? Then make a list of what you would like to accomplish while his is on the Mother Ship. If there are things that you would like to improve on, then do them...but don't do them w/the idea of winning him back. Whatever changes you make, they must become permanent and not just as a tool to woo him. He will sense whether they are real or just a con.
MLC takes a very long time. The more you leave him alone, i.e., give him space, the more he will focus on himself and what he needs to do to get through the crisis. Dig deep for patience because you are going to need it. There is no way to predict the outcome of your marriage right now. Just remember, you do have control over your life and how you live it.
Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you so much for your insight and wisdom. Thank you for taking the time to answer my post. Even though I don't know you, I can sense your deep kindness and sincerity in your words and I am comforted by them.
When this all began, I was angry at his behavior and what it was doing to me. I was angry that he didn't show concern for my feelings and my welfare and that he would jeopardize the children's security by damaging the marriage. After a year of repeated talks that went nowhere, I understand now that he is suffering such intense inner pain that he is in no shape to take care of me emotionally. I'm on my own.
I hope that you will write more about your insights regarding men going through MLC based on the interactions you've had with them. Knowledge is power. Knowing what to expect as time goes on gives me a sense of control over a situation that I really have no control over.
Hardest part of this is trying to take care of myself and the kids and keeping my spirits up day after day. Yesterday he left to stay at the hotel again and will be there the weekend. I try to tell myself that this is what he needs to do to help clear his head but the uncertainty of it all is what really gets to me.
How can I think about this in a positive way? Some days I'm optimistic and upbeat but other days I just have this feeling of dread and desperation that just permeate through my head. I don't feel like doing anything when I feel that way.
My H had always been very affectionate and loving. I had never doubted his devotion to me. I think that is one of the reasons why his detachment and distance has been so hard for me. I'm grieving over this loss; but unlike death, I can't put it behind me and move on. Would it help to look at my M now in a different way - like a business partnership between two people?
____________________________________ Me 48; H49 M16 D13 D15
Amy, What you are experiencing is very normal when dealing w/mlc. You will have highs and lows quite often at first and as you travel your own path, they will slowly become few and far between, but they will also be shorter in length. Each time you have a low, you will come back stronger than before. Feel the pain, allow it to wash over you and then release it.
Try to think of one positive thing to smile about each day. Keep warm thoughts of something fun that you've done in your head. Pull that memory out when you start to feel sad. It really does help to have some of those "happy" memories to reflect on.
You are grieving for the old marriage. It has died and you've had no closure. It's difficult accept that the old marriage is dead because you still look at your h and see the "old" h there. He's not the same man and won't be ever again. If he survives the crisis, he should be a more settled, mature man that accepts his responsibilities and truly wants to be your partner in every way.
You are still very new at this game, so be kind to yourself. You have to remember that this is a marathon, not a sprint and it takes a while to learn the true art of detachment. If it helps you, think of your h as a robot or the paper boy. I thought of my xh as either dead and a zombie had returned or he was visiting Mars and came back as a Pod Person. If it helps to you think of him as a business partner who has broken the terms of the contract, then by all means use that analogy to help you.
Keep focusing on you and your children. It's okay if you don't feel like doing anything when you are feeling down. It's normal. You will get to the other side a step at a time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Amy. I am reading your posts and was there about this time last year. We truly understand and can relate to the emotions you are feeling. The only thing that helped me was to detach and Let go. I had to let go of my Husband and my marriage because the grief and pain of what was happening was taking its toll on me. I got down to 93 pounds, was constantly distracted and I knew I had to be the one in control here, for my son.
This is no easy process, it takes time. You will have your good days and bad days, but I promise you, it gets better. And as you see the strength inside of you come out, you will get stronger and stronger.
The first step is accepting this for what it is. You have no control over your husband and this is not about you, as much as it feels like it is based on things he says. MLC is much deeper than marriage problems and only he can work through this. The best thing you can do is step back and let him go, so his work can begin.
Keep reading up on MLC and depression. What also helped me was looking up information and inspirational quotes on letting go. Aside from this, spend time with supportive friends, do things you enjoy and pamper yourself. This is a long bumpy road and there is no quick fix. There are amazing people on this board who have been through it and can offer great advise. So keep posting, vent here, cry here and know we are all here to support you!
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Thank you, mleigh. We are going through very similar emotions. I am down to 98 lbs and the stress is taking its toll on me. I was doing OK all of last year but within the last couple of weeks, have not been sleeping or eating well and don't have the energy to go out and live life.
For me, the most difficult thing to deal with is not knowing when this will all end. I am in limbo and I am suffering because of it. What I need the most now is closure. I see one of three things happening: 1. he snaps out of it now and wakes up and reattaches to me and the family (not likely) 2. he remains in this 'fog' working on his own issues but unknown when it will end 3. we end it by calling it quits
Option 1 is out, I'm left with options 2 & 3. Regards to options 2, we've been at this for the last year + and if I saw signs of improvement or signs that he is heading in the right direction, then I think I can wait it out. But that hasn't happened. To the contrary, it's gotten worse week by week such that he is living in a hotel on the weekends and leaving his family alone at home. That leaves option 3.
I feel sad for my children. I had considered separating a couple of months ago and I talked with h about it. He said he didn't want to but in the last couple of months, I think he's warmed up to the idea. I'm afraid of separation because of my children and my fear of being alone. But I"m the only responsible parent left for my kids and I've got to stay healthy mentally and physically for them. Being in limbo is taking its toll on me...this cannot be good for the kids? Need advice....
Amy, You need to start eating, even if it's just some milk shakes. Get some high calories foods into your system so that you don't get sick. Yes, the stress of his mlc will create all kinds of issues for you. Have you considered going on a mild AD? Talk to your doctor and see what he/she will suggest. You can't continue down this particular path. Your kids need you.
Now about the 3 things you listed:
1. If he snaps out of the mlc, which is highly unlikely or you find a way to do so, I can promise you he will go back into crisis again. It may not be right away, but he will and it will be far worse the next time around and more harm will be done to you and your children because of the coming home and then leaving again.
2. He remains in his fog and works on his issues. Yes, the future is unknown. He could be this way for quite some time. You do realize that he had begun to detach from his family about 18-24 months prior to you being told how he felt? His crisis will last as long as he needs to face things. What do you do in the meantime? You go on w/your life as if he's died. You make a like for you and your children. Let me ask you this...what would you do if he had died? I know that's a harsh question...but I want you to think about it. Your old marriage has died...so what are you going to do about it? You are going to get yourself healthy, seek some medical advice and start planning your immediate future and what you need to do to protect you and your children. It's time to seek some professional advice and you need to call around and get some free consults from lawyers. This is not to say that you are filing, but you need to know how to protect yourself and get your ducks in a row as to your finances, child support and spousal support (if that's possible).
3. You and only you can decide when you've had enough...but you are very new to this mlc and one year is nothing when you look at the broader scheme of things. MLC can last years. Some will have a shorter crisis, others will have longer ones and some remain stuck forever. Do we know where your h will fall? Absolutely not.
Leave yesterday behind, it's the past and it's history, focus on today, as it is a present/gift. Use the present wisely and for the future, it's not ours to foresee. It's the unknown and many fear the unknown. You absolutely nothing to fear because you are a strong woman who's going to figure things out and get back on your feet.
You are going to be okay no matter what happens...but first...you need to get healthy.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Two weekends ago, I couldn't take it anymore. He was staying at a hotel for the weekend by himself away from us. I had thought it would be a good thing for him to be away temporarily, to clear his head, to have some space away from the family. I figured that I'll just do my own thing with the kids and life.
I didin't anticipate how hard it would be on me not having him at home. I called him on Sunday and told him that we were all suffering without him here, that we need him. He seemed surprised that we would miss him. Said that he had thought we would be fine without him, he thought we no longer needed him.
The next day, I told him that I couldn't take this any more, that if he was going to live a a hotel, we may as well not be married any longer. Told him that I've become sick over the whole situation. At first he said that he never gets to take a vacation just for him, that all the vacations we take were for the family. I said of course, because we are a family and that if he wanted a vacation by himself before, he should have said something. He said no one cared about him. Later he said that he never wanted to leave me.
The following weekend, had another talk (I know, no R talks but this was more about him). He said that for the last 5 years, he knew that the type of work he was doing was not right for him and that he needed a new path, new direction. He didn't know what it was but that he kept at the job trying to convince himself to stay on. At one point when he was leaving the previous job, he wanted to strike out in a business on his own. I wasn't supportive of that because he made good money and had never been in business before. I was afraid. He continued on to the next job that he hated but didn't feel he could quit and face me, the kids and the rest of the family. He thought that befriending the female coworker and helping her would make the job more tolerable. He tried meditation and self help books to try to cope with this job but eventually, knew that if he continued, it was going to kill his soul.
Because he felt I was unsupportive, he thought his only option was to split finances with me and live somewhere else to find another path for himself. The alternative was to suffer a stroke or a heart attack continuing to do this job. Thus the feeling of being trapped and blaming his family.
Well, I guess I have to let go of the fear of the unknown and give him the support he needs. Either we do this together or he will go it alone. Does any of what he said make sense??
