W moved back into the MB because her air mattress will not hold air. So, we are sleeping in the same bed, just miles apart.
She says she can't stay with me because of all the things she has done to me. She says I know you can forgive me, but she can't forgive herself.
All three children tell me to move on, because she will never stop having inappropriate relationships with other men. They are all tired of her actions. I have tried to get them to forgive her and explain the mountains she has to climb. They don't believe her actions are related to her brother raping her.
I did some back sliding today, not proud of myself. W and I ended up talking about our relationship and I ended up crying in front of her.
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
MIC25 I apologize for being defensive when you posted to my thread, I realize now that you are very dedicated to helping people on the DB site!
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
MIC25 I apologize for being defensive when you posted to my thread, I realize now that you are very dedicated to helping people on the DB site!
Jbird,
When I was here as a newbie, many people reached out to help me. I am paying back what & when I can.
I lack time to adequately reply to you right now. But I've noticed a consistent theme in your posts which truly must change, as it is the essence of Divorce Busting.
Your posts are almost entirely about YOUR WIFE and what she has done today/this week or how she seems,
and your own happiness and how you see your life progressing are all tied into that.
Get back to basics. DB 101.
What are YOUR 180s? What are YOUR GAL activities?
You cannot heal, without detachment.
you cannot detach, without GAL. You cannot GAL if you put your focus only on her.
She won't return to a marriage/life she left, - ever - UNLESS
she believes the life/marriage can be better/different than before.
All you can work on is YOU to show change. Demonstrate it.
And don't beat yourself up for crying in front of her. BTW, you sort of skimmed right over the OMs.
Are you referring to the texts or is there more? And are you sure that it was physical? It sounds as if you could get past it and forgive her, in time,
if certain conditions are met. The only relevance that has at this moment is that you know it's not a deal breaker. So you can avoid the obsessing about it or snooping to verify it. And stay the course for your own personal work.
Maybe you can check out a personal growth workshop called "Essential Experience" in Philadelphia (also known as "EE"). It's quite profound and life changing and several DBers have attended. it's for individuals, but of course any improvement in a person in a marriage, improves the marriage too.
I did it several years ago and finally got closure on some issues I had touched on in therapy ---childhood issues included, but weekly therapy was sort of "inefficient" for me. I had a good therapist, however I'd have an insight or breakthrough - and then OOPS, I have to be at work - or go pick up the kids.
So Very fragmented. So a long personal growth workshop weekend is so much faster and deeper.
(At that time I first went, there were no marital issues, other than my r with my MIL, which was lousy. I felt so much more at peace after, that I just let it all go).
When I got home I was evidently quite changed externally as well as internally. I say that b/c my h said he saw a change in me "the minute" I stepped out from the gate at the airport.
Sure enough it made such an impression on h, that HE went to EE a few months later. Then we both went together.
Very deeply bonding and without that, I am sure I would not have bothered DBing 12 years later, when we faced our own marital crisis.
Guess I'm saying that a workshop or retreat of some sort (Retrovaille?? Look into that but its' for couples) would help you get a jumpstart b/c from what you are saying
you feel very stuck. Yes?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I am on medication to help with my anxiety and depression which helps me stay more composed. However, my IC should be focused on anger management first. I need to become better at setting boundaries and communicating calmly especially if I have had my feelings hurt or I am under pressure,
#2 I need to joke and laugh more in all aspects of life.
I am usually too serious and worried about tomorrow to enjoy today.
#3 Don't complain about anything!
This goes from messes that are left by family members, family pets or anything from temporary loss of income to politics or people I may dislike.
GAL activities
#1 I am presently working on setting up my picture framing equipment so I can frame and sell my remaining inventory from my store I closed in 2007. I took great pride in my art gallery and frame shop. I wasn't rich but I had a great deal more self worth. I sold one one custom framed picture on Friday and I have the itch again.
#2 start painting pictures again for pleasure, friends and family and for sale.
#3 Spend quality time with adult children
#4 When income goes up and it will, take a dance class, some country or maybe beginners salsa. Dancing is way out of my comfort zone, but I know if I could learn to dance it would be a big boost in self confidence.
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
The first was back in 95 and he was an employee the reported directly to me at the company I worked for. My neighbor revealed the A to me so I confr W and OM and they admitted to a PA. The next day W tried to overdose on pills, I called 911 and she was taken to the hospital to get her stomach "pumped"? I resigned from my mgmt position because the company would not move OM or me. W ended the A and we moved back to where her parents lived. We went to MC for the next year or two.
The second OM was her high school boyfriend. She flew back to see him in 2000 and when she returned she filed for D. This was at least an EA, but she did stay at his house, but supposedly separate bedrooms when his W was out of town. W didn't follow through w/D and we went to MC again. We even went to a retreat to help us heal from our issues.
The third OM was a PA that happened in The fall of 2004. At the time I did not know W was addicted to opiates. She was supporting her habit by doing a dog redue business on the side. She had thirty dogs in the backyard and about a half dozen in the house. Although I pleaded with her to get rid of them she refused. Finally animal control and CPS came and took control of the situation. CPS took the kids for about a week. After we got the kids back W started rescuing dogs again. CPS threatened to take the kids away again so I told them W wouldn't listen to me. With in two days she had started a PA with OM from Oklahoma. This A lasted from Sept 2004 to February of 05. We were D in Jan.
Fourth OM was an EA that was an old classmate of W. He has been in federal prison since the mid 90s for dealing drugs and threatening a police officer with a gun. Supposedly he had an illegal FB account and found W. W told me that she felt guilty about something and confessed that they had been sexting each other. This was about a yr ago that she revealed this EA. She continues to chat with him but claims that he is just a friend. The fifth OM, another old classmate was last Sept and was a little more than EA. I don't know the correct classification, but she sent at least one video of her using a vibrator.
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
Karma thanks for stopping by my thread, I have been reading your thread but at this point I don't feel confident enough to say much about anyone's situation.
Actually there has been six OM, I actually forgot one on my last post and the fifth I posted but didn't give him a separate paragraph.
The OM I missed on my last post was during the time we were not married but I was living with her. She went to rehab for her opiate addiction and returned with a 19 yr old kid she was going to help stay clean. (I moved back home just a few days before she went to rehab) I caught her sleeping with this kids older brother who was an ex con. She had relapsed on painkillers and he would supply them free for sex.
At that point I detached completely, sent my children to live with my sister out of state and planned to move to where my sister was. W or Ex W at the time cleaned up her act and we got back together in Nov of 05 then remarried in Dec of 07.
Why am I still trying? I am convinced that her brother raping her repeatedly has led to the addiction problems and promiscuity. Several therapists have told me this and my own research backs up their theories.
I am going to work on my GAL goals and 180s for myself . I wasn't a perfect husband by any means, I displayed a lot of anger over the OM issues and also didn't understand opiate addiction in the beginning. The GAL and 180s will help me in the future no matter what happens with W.
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
Karma thanks for stopping by my thread, I have been reading your thread but at this point I don't feel confident enough to say much about anyone's situation.
Actually there has been six OM, I actually forgot one on my last post and the fifth I posted but didn't give him a separate paragraph.
The OM I missed on my last post was during the time we were not married but I was living with her. She went to rehab for her opiate addiction and returned with a 19 yr old kid she was going to help stay clean. (I moved back home just a few days before she went to rehab) I caught her sleeping with this kids older brother who was an ex con. She had relapsed on painkillers and he would supply them free for sex.
At that point I detached completely, sent my children to live with my sister out of state and planned to move to where my sister was. W or Ex W at the time cleaned up her act and we got back together in Nov of 05 then remarried in Dec of 07.
Why am I still trying? I am convinced that her brother raping her repeatedly has led to the addiction problems and promiscuity. Several therapists have told me this and my own research backs up their theories. I am going to work on my GAL goals and 180s for myself . I wasn't a perfect husband by any means, I displayed a lot of anger over the OM issues and also didn't understand opiate addiction in the beginning. The GAL and 180s will help me in the future no matter what happens with W.
Jbird,
You've done a lot of soul searching and personal work. Good for you! That's really admirable.
So now let's say you really do work on the temper and negativity. Let's say you become a more positive person, a happier person. What a gift to give yourself!
That IS within your control. Also, you'll be GAL and doing the 180s you want, so a lot of things you've wanted to change, will happen.
The last line above in your post, is what YOU MUST REMEMBER AT ALL TIMES...
your future will be better, no matter what happens with the marriage.
Hold onto to that truth, b/c the best news in this situation is that YOU are in charge of all of that.
Now you must Make it so.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
That looks like a good start towards GAL and goal setting. When it comes too PMA fake I until you make it. Try and be around positive people. It is likely your W. Has been draining your energy. I run to clear my head. A good long walk can help too. Breathing in the air taking a minute to notice the little things.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Do give a look at 2 videos on the TEDTALKS. I think they were both from 2012.
One talk is called something like "Faking til You Become It", given by Amy Cuddy,
& the other is Shawn Achor, who gave a presentation about "Positivity", (or something similar).
Both of the talks are about 20 minutes and easy to watch. More importantly is that they have real data, based on empirical research, to support their claims.
It's not hocus pocus feel good BS. It'd solid data about how WE can feel better by intention and action.
For instance, the idea for not changing or being stuck, often comes to us in a way that we justify by saying something like
"When I FEEL better, THEN I will behave differently" (or "lose weight, get in shape, go job hunting, Be more romantic, Be more positive, do the home projects", etc etc etc).
It's as if we believe that the desire to achieve or change will FIRST arrive in our laps, magically and spontaneously, and THEN will cause us to make the needed changes...which implies that we have no control over how we feel; and therefore, no control over how we act.
But what if, instead, we did as Amy Cuddy and Shawn Achor and others are suggesting, which is to say that
"As I begin to act differently, behave differently....---
THEN I will feel different/better!"
So, Create the emotion by DOING the act, rather than waiting to feel like it first, (which may never happen. That may be why you never made the changes your w had complained of..).
Make sense? Give a look at those videos and see what you think.
And hang in there, really.
Also, how are your children and your relationships with them doing? That is something you could work on, is it not?
Maybe one of your GAL activities could involve one? Our focus, our attentions, should always be only on what we can control.
When you really take that^^ in, you can see how much time we all waste.
And then start living your life more fully.
Keep on keeping on.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
