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uRworthy #2530705 01/25/15 01:11 AM
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Mighty,

You wrote:

And it isn't about him being with the baby. It's the fact that he is still so tangled up w HWW. And until he untangles from that... Or if he does... I don't want anything to do with it.

Sweetie, they will always be "tangled" up because of their link as the baby's parents. Accept this as the reality. You cannot just wish this away, honey. Perhaps learn some radical acceptance of this reality which probably will solve a of your internal crazymaking chit.

I promise you that with this radical acceptance, then you'll truly and truly be detached from whatever moves XH makes such as staying at BIL's or at HWW's. What's the differnce? Just a change of location.

Wonka #2530758 01/25/15 06:31 AM
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It will get easier Mighty. I know it did for me when I recently had detach again. There is something to be said for knowing the truth and not constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. If you can try and have as little contact as possible it will help. All things considered I think you are holding up just great.

Wonka if you see this post can you read my thread on Newcomers. I mentioned you when MLC came up. Thx!


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Karma12 #2530929 01/26/15 01:26 AM
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Quote:
Yet you are mindreading everything he is doing or saying..every text, every time his car isn’t there.
Sometimes we do things like that because of the pain caused. Kind of like PTSD. But it always keeps us un-detached (said with a French accent for effect) smile

Let's face it, it's easier when he's gone. When he's not there and asking about you etc.

It's hard to compartmentalize when you feel like they are breathing down your neck. I've been there. My ex lives a few blocks away with her husband. They harass me all the time, although it's been a few months this time. My fingers are crossed that it won't happen again, but who knows? What I do know is that you can detach even with him crawling all over you like that.

He made his choices. He divorced you. End of conversation. Or at least, it should have been right? But in this case, he's as confused as ever. You're not. You're just going through the process (faster) again. This time it'll be better for you.

In the meantime, keep at the meditation and gain that perspective. Keep up the exercise. Keep up the PMA.

And try not to forget your children need you. Can you imagine how they are handling this the second go-round? They are keeping it under wraps to be sure, but your daughter gave you a major clue as to what she wanted. Even money it's what your son wanted too. But they can clearly see what he is doing and know what it means to you.

They need you more than anyone else does right now, mama. Don't lose sight of that. You'll be glad you didn't. smile


AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJM #2530940 01/26/15 02:36 AM
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Mighty,

AJ just hit on something I hadn't even considered: in addition to your H peeking out from his tunnel before the baby was born, he's also living right there beside you! Talk about a double-whammy!!!!!

When my H left for OW1 in 2005, he lived across the street and down three houses. I could NOT seem to detach. He eventually moved out and into an apt with OW1 in another town. And it was like: voila!!! Instant detachment. Because I couldn't see when he was home or not. Or when OW was visiting.

It made SUCH a difference!

You have no control over where XH is living.

But that helps put things into perspective, maybe, for why you feel you're possibly having a harder time detaching this time. Or right now anyway.

I have no words of wisdom or a solution per se. But sometimes it helps me, at least, to think of the potential pitfalls so I can find ways to avoid them. And I also like feeling like there's a specific REASON that maybe I'm not feeling like my old self. And then coming up with ways to avoid those triggers ...

I'm just rambling. But the fact that H is living right there really throws another monkey-wrench in your detachment efforts, I bet. Yuck!!! But like AJ said: You CAN do it. And you're a bada$s. And so you WILL.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Train #2531315 01/27/15 01:56 AM
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Hey thanks, guys. Whew... big breath.

I'm doing ok. Much better today than yesterday.

AJ, your post let me breathe a sigh of relief. You get it, and I appreciate it. And, one of the things that sticks out to me is this:
Quote:
He made his choices. He divorced you. End of conversation. Or at least, it should have been right? But in this case, he's as confused as ever. You're not. You're just going through the process (faster) again. This time it'll be better for you.


This sounds really stupid, but I do forget that he divorced me. I am not sure why, other than I have not truly grasped what has gone down the last year. That I knew it was wrong? That I knew he'd regret his actions? I am not sure what. But, I still feel like when he is with her, it is my husband with her, and that is what makes me crazy! OMG.... I have to realize he did divorce me. Regrets or no regrets. He isn't my husband. Typing that is so weird. I just don't feel that. I remember typing "xh" here for the first time. I remember hesitating. But, I did it to keep from confusing anyone. And, I don't think that I verbally acknowledge him as "ex" husband.

I have to accept this. After all, the marriage that we once had, will cease to exist forever. Sad. But true.

Maybe this is a reason for my difficulty dealing with everything. Why I just can't understand this as my reality. But, I'm coming around. Again. Slowly but surely.

I have set my boundaries. I have to make sure I use them. Job, you are so right on about me being a fixer. Yes, I did an awesome job last year with this. When I dropped the rope, I let it all go. Let him to figure it out.

Now, in my presence, I tend to be "helpful." I think I am just nice, by nature, but today for example, he stopped, and I offered him dinner. I need to stop doing that. He didn't have any, as he was going to work out. But, I just need to stop doing that- totally.

I have not looked out the window to see where he is. This week has been the best, overall, as far as re-detaching. I had a really productive day, but I still feel it physically. My chest and stomach are constantly heavy and in knots. No matter what. I did call the new ic today to make an appointment, but I can't get in until March.

Xh is still pretty confused. He stopped tonight to drop something off. I asked which days he wanted to see the kids. He understands my boundaries and is respecting them, but cant commit to a specific time. I know it is difficult for him bc of living arrangement and his own limbo and figuring things out. He just cant commit to anything right now. He said he'd text me. I said, I wasn't going to do that on a daily basis. But, my kids are older, so it's not like they are little kids on a schedule. It is really for me. I told him I have plans Thursday night and he could come to the house and make dinner with the kids or something. He said that was cool.

He had to drop something else off after working out (he picked something up for me), but was in a rush. I know where he was going. Trust me, it's not mind-reading. I'm not mad about it. It is a reality I have to come to grips with. It is just sad to me, I guess. Difficult. But it is what it is... and there is nothing I can to about it. It would be upsetting to me no matter where I was in the world or he was in the world. It's just hard for me. But I am getting better. I don't really put too much into it. I try to stay in my lane.

Outside of not being able to make any real decisions, I noticed something else today. It's going to sound really messed up, but there is a reason for it. He was in a really good mood and it made me uneasy. It was an all too familiar happiness...

Last year, I couldn't wait for winter to be over. Xh always seemed to get a sort of winter blues. He was very depressed last winter, right after he moved out. I was hoping spring would come and he would come back! Well, I remember him stopping by (he did all the time at this time) at the beginning of April, and he was in the best mood. But it wasn't because he was at my house. It just so happens, that was right around hww conceived. So, must have been, you know, excited about the r (they were on/off all winter- he says bc he was thinking of us and would withdrawal...).

Today, he acted just like that time period. Yikes! It's not that I don't want him happy, but it was very reminiscent.

But, I'm not going to put any more energy into it. Just an observation. I'm staying focused on me and the kids. I don't ignore him, and his behavior around me. I just kind of see where he is and move about my business.

I'm getting there... one small step at a time.

And AJ, you are right on about my kids, too. I am looking forward to doing some fun things with them soon. D13 is being inducted tomorrow to National Jr. Honor's Society. S17 is doing so well and I am so happy to have him back.

Train and AJ, I'm sorry you had to live so close while trying to detach. It just add another bit of excitement into this, right?

Mighty #2531382 01/27/15 06:43 AM
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Hi Mighty my STBX lives just a few mins away from me in what was our house. I find that hard enough. It would be really hard having him live as close as yours does. I can relate to feeling like he's still your husband. It was 25yrsmic that told me to start calling mine my ex. I think you are doing great considering all the issues you have had to face.


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Mighty #2531429 01/27/15 02:01 PM
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Mighty,
You sound so much better. Try to remember that he not only divorced you, but he actually fired you from being his wife, lover, and companion. I noticed that when I thought of the term "fired" when I was going through this, it made it far easier for me to detach.

Yes, you do have to stop doing things for him, i.e., offers of dinner, etc. He's a big boy and he can take care of himself. After all, he is the one that walked away from a good marriage and family. He had choices and he made the wrong ones. It's okay to be civil/friendly, but you do not need to be rescuing him from himself. He's got to do that for himself.

As for the ow, well, it does sound like he was happy as a clam last spring and who knows what's going on w/him now, but I wouldn't give him or the ow space in my head rent free. You've got a lot of living to do and plenty of love to share w/others.

Mighty, you are slowly getting to the finish line. It's a one minute, one hour, one day at a time deal. Get a rubber band and place it on your wrist. When you think of him or think of doing something for him, snap that band. The sting will bring you back to reality very quickly. Unless the tasks involve your children, I'd leave him out there to twirl in the wind. You do not need this drama in your life.

Hang in there!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2531439 01/27/15 02:36 PM
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^^^^^^^^^^

Gold-actually platinum from Job. Hang in there, Mighty! Hugs to you:-)



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Georgiabelle #2531779 01/28/15 07:22 AM
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Wow Job....that sure resonated with me too. Great post!


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Karma12 #2531806 01/28/15 11:36 AM
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Yes Job is good with a keyboard. smile


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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