WAW Dating - Oh noes!!..

[HPoirot]

Hello LoveMyW. I think you're doing fine. You do GAL. You speak cordially with W when she contacts you. You ask no questions. You don't initiate any contact with her. You occupy your mind. It sounds like you take your W's insults and moods with class. Nothing else to do. I don't think you should be watching your W for reactions to you now. Doing that too much sets you up to have expectations which she will disappoint. Be thankful your W is not contacting you. You get a chance to detach from her and that is what she needs to see. Keep going.

[LoveMyW]

Well not much to say since my last update except to say that since implementation of very LC/NC I am noticing a bit of minor spew emanating from W.. I'm still confused as to whether I should be expecting this, or whether my path is wrong and that is what is causing this..

A perfect example of what is happening is in the transcript of texts that were sent today.. The only before story to go along with this is that she rang to speak to the kids (which eldest S answered her call) and I hung up when she had finished speaking to younger S.. I had no idea that she wanted to talk to me.. We were wanting to go in to a GAL activity at the time..

Here it is:

Missed call W
Missed call W

W: Why did you hang up

Missed call W

W: Why are you being childish??.. I needed to say something..

Missed call W

Me: I understand how you could feel that I am being childish, but that is definitely not the case.. I am a busy having fun and watching S6+9 at the moment.. I will speak with you in some way later..

Missed call W

W: You weren't when you were talking to S6 and he handed the phone to you and you hung up, and that is before you went in so who is being the childish one??..

Me: I didn't realise that you wanted to talk, and as I mentioned earlier, I am busy at the moment and will talk to you at some stage later.. It's not really the appropriate place to be texting you backwards and forwards..

Missed call W

W: Whatever.. S6 said it and I heard him (there was no mention)..

Me: I'm going now.. Have a good day..

W: Okay.. I already left the conversation as I'm not playing your silly games..

I didn't reply to this message and let it be.. 30 mins later I get:

W: Hope the boys have fun, and when is the best time to call..

Me: They are.. I will message you when I have a spare moment..

About an hour later I sent a message to W saying she could ring quickly, to which she called almost immediately.. The whole "needing to chat" thing was just to ask when she could call the boys later..

Keep in mind, there is no reason for her to call them on my phone as S9 has a phone with a valid number so she can call him directly..

This whole exchange took place over about 1.5 hours.. I was replying in my own time, and was really too interested in what the boys were doing..

Another thing that has her going ATM is the fact that I unfriended her from FB.. She deactivated her account for a week or so.. I was doing a friend list cleanup and saw 4-5 people with "facebook user" next to their name so I deleted them.. I didn't realise that one was W.. She asked me to add her again today to which I replied with "Nah" and left it at that.. Keep in mind that she relayed the question through S6..

So, back to what I am thinking.. Is this to be expected??.. Is it from her losing control of the sitch??.. Is it the WAW mind playing up??.. Any input would be appreciated..

[LoveMyW]

Hello LoveMyW. I think you're doing fine. You do GAL. You speak cordially with W when she contacts you. You ask no questions. You don't initiate any contact with her. You occupy your mind. It sounds like you take your W's insults and moods with class. Nothing else to do. I don't think you should be watching your W for reactions to you now. Doing that too much sets you up to have expectations which she will disappoint. Be thankful your W is not contacting you. You get a chance to detach from her and that is what she needs to see. Keep going.

Sorry for the delayed reply HP.. I only just noticed that you had commented..

Yes, I do try to speak cordially to her when we communicate, and GAL has been a big thing to helping me get out of the rut..

No, I do not initiate any contact unless it regards the kids or financial matters, and asking questions only leads to bigger issues haha!!.. I found that occupying my mind has taken a while, but I have finally got in to that zone..

I'm still getting the hang of dealing with her moods and insults etc, but I am definitely getting better at it!!.. It has taken a while for the advice in the books and on the board to sink in!!..

I understand what you are saying about looking for reactions.. I suppose the only reason I am is because we get told "do what works" and although the reactions I am receiving aren't all 100% positive, they are reactions all the same, but I can't tell whether they are "working" reactions or "change path" reactions..

You are right about her not contacting me helping me detach.. It has made life easier I must admit.. Another side effect of LC/NC is that she thinks I now have a GF.. It's a laugh for me I must admit!!..

Thanks again for the insight HP!!..

[LoveMyW]

I missed the edit button so my next thought is here..

HP mentioned "dealing with W's moods and insults.. It's funny thinking back on it.. Until New BF/OM/AP (depending on how you want to look at it) came in to the picture, there wasn't too much in the way of moods or insults directed my way.. Mind you, this also coincided with her thought of my "GF" and the drop in contact from both sides.. Yes, we have had our moments as you do in nearly 6 months of S, but this has become more frequent..

It's probably good that it has happened when I started getting in the detachment zone (as I have said, I am not fully in the middle of that zone, but it's light is shining on me).. Admittedly, the insults aren't overly personal, but they are happening..

I know from other postings that I can't get any real ground whilst she is in her new R, but that isn't going to stop my 180's or GAL.. I still haven't lost the want for this M/R to work out either.. The difference now is in my mindframe.. I'm in a place now where I know I'll be just fine on my own, and I'm being the best dad/person I can be, but I also want my W and family back complete and happy.. I still love her, always have and probably always will in some way but at the moment W has had to go down a couple of rungs on my ladder for my own sake..

[LoveMyW]

Actually come to think of it, am I being s&%t/fitness tested??..

[LoveMyW]

So W rang back later in the evening to speak to S's, and then asked to speak to me after they had finished.. She did this by asking S6 to put me on the phone after he was finished chatting.. I wasn't going to talk, but I thought I would mirror her interactions to see how it went/goes..

The conversation was 90% general chit-chat (have S's been good, they sound like they are having fun etc), but I took away a couple of comments made by her, and a comment made by S9 after we all had finished talking..

I haven't mind read any of this, and to be honest I'm only posting it here as I am just trying to make sense of the timing more than anything.. TBH, I'm probably just wasting typing time by mentioning it haha!!..

The first comment came about when we were talking about S6's birthday party.. Keep in mind it isn't until mid year but he has been going on about a party for a few weeks now.. She asked what I thought of the idea of having one for him, and I agreed it would be a good thing as S9 had a decent sized one at the same age..

The comment came out of nowhere "OM won't be there and I won't be inviting him".. It was said in an almost happy way, but it definitely wasn't said in a sh1tty or upset way.. Probably just letting me know I don't know..

The second comment came about when I mentioned to W about talking about/mentioning NBF/OM when I was around, and I asked her to please respect the boundary I had asked of her.. She took note of what I said and apologised (sounded sincere too I might add), but the kicker was an out of the blue comment straight after this..

She said "I have never cheated on you, and never wanted to in our M".. Like I said, a nothing comment that could have more substance or just nothing at all.. It was out of the blue, and the conversations we have had lately haven't even gone near the subject.. I haven't even mentioned cheating/affair since early in S..


Nothing of note probably, but I am noticing a bit more of these style of comments coming from W, whether it is me at a further distance, or something from her side of things..


The other comment/pic from S9 was definitely a bit of a strange one given the circumstances.. I'll try and shorten the story but myself and both S's had a photo taken for the local paper a short while ago and I really liked the pic so I purchased a copy of it.. Anyway MIL had also requested a copy from me, and I was going to get one framed for the boys to have in their room at W's so I got MIL's framed as well.. I thought I would do the right thing and get W a copy done for her to put wherever.. we all looked really good and the boys were the main focus so I thought she would have liked it.. I only just gave her a print not framed..

It turns out that she has taken a picture of the photo with her phone (to have on the phone obviously), and has been looking at it a bit.. Once again, probably nothing, but it just seems like strange behaviour.. Am I being a bit dense and missing something to connect the scattered dots??..

Like I said from the word go, none of this actually means anything to me in a thinking sense, but it's more of a journal with a WTF?? aspect (for me anyway) and seeing if anyone else has a clue!!..

[LoveMyW]

Well as every day passes I'm seeing the benefits behind all the vets advice, and all of the other people on here in the know..

We get told to pull back and they will come closer.. I am finding this to ring true.. Although I'm only seeing baby-baby steps at the moment, the steps are there.. Exchanges with W are becoming more friendly than cordial and she is wanting to know a bit more about things going on with me lately etc.. This hasn't happened in a while so it's a change..

We get told to do what works.. At the moment, I have found my best path so far.. I tried many different plans of attack, but for the time being I've found what works for me..

We get told to detach.. It's amazing how you feel when you meet that path and start walking down it.. I have noticed I am thinking more objectively, I'm not having the sitch on my mind anywhere near as much any more and I've still kept the feeling of love for my W, and hope for R/New M without it being my major thought..

We get told to GAL.. Even though most of my big GAL is with the kids when I have them, I have still got a fair bit of solo GAL under my belt.. I haven't had a chance to try something completely unknown to me (apart from my new job) but I have got back in to some old hobbies..


All in all, I am noticing how I am interacting not only with W, but with the kids, co-workers and anyone else.. Validation seems to have been a big thing that I should have been working on for ages.. Now I have started employing that in every available circumstance and I have noticed the quelling side of things.. It would probably be a 180 for me even though I've really only just noticed how little validating I did!!..

Thanks to everyone who has had input so far (and that's pretty much everyone as I try to read as many sitch's as I can!!) and lets keep on going!!..

[LoveMyW]

Had the kids exchange today and all went well.. We had our coffee/chat about logistics and did what had to be done.. W was trying to dig a bit more in to my personal life I noticed and was a bit miffed when I didn't give anything up..

I was only meant to have the kids for 1 day, but due to not working tomorrow I offered to have them for 2.. The more time I get around them the better.. I made the statement that although I had plans for next day previously, they had fallen through so I didn't mind looking after them..

She asked "what did you have planned and who with??".. I replied that I just had some stuff to do with a few friends.. She then started reeling off family members and friends she thought I was doing something with.. I said no to all of them, and wasn't lying either.. I wasn't an ass about it and simply gave no more info than was needed.. You could tell her mind was going million to one and that she had just about bitten her tongue off..

Anyway, I left it at that and changed the subject.. I have to admit that it is great to be able to co-parent with her the way we do and it is the best thing for the kids to see.. I have also noticed a lot of "us" talk about the kids over the last couple of weeks.. Things like "Dad and mum will think about it" and "when mum and dad can afford it".. For the most part that hasn't been the case and more along the lines of "We'll see"..

Little steps forward to being amicable without being the gay friend really.. I've made it pretty clear that I'm not interested in "friendship" as such, and to her it seems like the removal from FB was a sealer to this..

[LoveMyW]

Just a weird thought here really.. Since my headspace has been a bit better, I've had a heaps of likes and comments on FB from non related (neither myself nor W's family) females on pics etc I put up.. It's a strange one as I haven't professed any M problems or outwardly been "down" over any issues I have had over FB so it isn't that.. These women didn't even pay any attention to anything at any time in the past but since the "clearance" they have come out of the woodwork.. The closest I have professed to singledom on there is pics of just myself and the kids, but that wasn't unusual beforehand anyway.. These are women of all R status's and ages too so no particular demographic either..

It has been noticed as well, and I have seen a reaction to it.. Funny how things work!!..

[LoveMyW]

Nothing much different to report of late.. No movement in any direction.. WAW's new R seems to be all go from the outside, but as we all know, the outside doesn't mean anything..

NC/LC is still on the go as well and it has been quiet.. Funny enough, I'm not minding it..

Here is a question I pose though.. Would my W be having any of it play on her mind??.. I know that I am doing it for me and not for a reaction, but do they have something dawn on them through the lack of communication??..