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Loved the link, very interesting discussion.
Glad the couple got together and such a waste of years of loving.

Someone will make a movie of it!

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Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Originally Posted By: sandi2
Why do you see it as failing at DB if you don't tell your WAW (again) that you still want to R?

Because it would be pursuing? Also, I'm repeatedly told here that I shouldn't do it. I reason that she's not receptive anyway as OM just moved in and she's asked to start the D proceedings. I have the gift of time. Finally, as I said above, and Vanilla suggested, it will be obvious from my behavior with the mediator. If he asks why we're D, I will let WAW answer for instance.

I also saw this on Gogofo's thread .

Originally Posted By: gogofo
She said to drag out the D process as much as possible, time is on my side.

I wonder if I should do the same. When WAW offered to start, she said she didn't mind if I preferred to wait. I said I'd check a few things and get back to her. I was told here to go along with her schedule and a friend who has a good DB instinct told me that I should drive the whole thing t show her I was moving on with force. But I feel it would be better to wait a few months so that either the A plays out or at least I'm at a more comfortable place to negotiate the settlement. I also would prefer reality to hit her after the high of her A has dissipated a little.

I'm not sure why I still have the reputation of having told my WAW that I want to reconcile. I mention here my desire to do so, but to hear I never do. I told her when she left (Sept 20) and then the closest thing was two weeks ago when I said I'd rather not meet with her because I need to move on. I'm not sure which way it cuts. In fact, I have several observers who are puzzled as to why I cut communications, never send a signal that I want to reconcile, ok the D proceedings, etc. I don't want to send anyone down my 8 threads, but I really wonder why people think I've told her several times.


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"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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Hi Mozza., maybe what they mean is that she knows you want to r not because you told her but because of the facts of the situation. She left. She assumes you didn't want her to. Etc. We discussed this before. But of course I don't know what people mean. Just guessing.

I love This American Life. Going to listen now! Thanks for the tip!

Hugs!

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Mza

Your W will have her own reasons for the speed she wants to move. You have yours, if you want D, take action yourself, if you want M or a chance to stay M then let W take her own action. My stance would be W, we have children they need us both, D is not my choice for us or our children but I will not get in your way.

This is way too important to play a complicated hand.

What does Mza really want?

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Last edited by Vanilla; 01/24/15 08:28 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
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Moza, if you don't want to take the lead in D proceedings, then don't. You should not do it as a tactic to get your W to change her mind at the last minute. The only reason you would pursue a D is b/c it is what you want for yourself. If that is what would be better for you, then do it.

It seems obvious that you don't really want to do this. Are you trying to force yourself to turn loose? You beat yourself up b/c you told the mediator you still want to R........and then think you fail at DB if you don't tell your W. (Like she doesn't know.). I am getting a little dizzy.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Echoing what sandi said...if you don't want a D, don't file...from day one, I've felt you really don't want a D, and really love your W and have hopes and really want to reconcile..ask yourself why are you thinking of filing. For you? Or to try and control the situation and force W into a decision, whatever that may be.


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Hi Mozza, I'll chime in here and echo what everyone else has said. I think you shouldn't file for D unless you are truly, truly done. I have an image in my mind here of Starsky moving his lawn, tears streaming down his face knowing that he was truly done. That may not be the best example, as I know Starsky had filed earlier, and then he and the fetching Mrs S reconciled. But it has stayed in my mind of what feeling 'truly done' feels like. I'm a ways from being there yet, and from your posts, it doesn't sound as though you are there either.

I would go for the 'this isn't what I want, but if it is what you want I respect your wishes and won't stand in your way' stance. Then don't enable a D at all, work with the longest timescales you can, without obstructing and see how things unfold.

Toots x


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We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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I've been going back over your posts, Mozza, to figure out where you were thinking you might file. I couldn't find it. Did you say that?? If you are thinking along those lines then I just wanted to remind you of this little conversation:

Originally Posted By: Mach1
Which of those would best describe how YOU wanna live your life ???


Originally Posted By: Mozza
Action expresses priorities.

This has been one of the biggest awakenings in my sitch. I'm a talker and I tend to make promises, to describe myself a certain way, etc. Now I make a conscious effort and just do, letting others find out who I am. It's not just with my WAW, but with my friends, colleagues, family, etc. It feels like a change that has already happened in me, notwithstanding my M status.


Would filing be in keeping with this view of who you want to be? Doesn't seem like it from what I hear in your posts.


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Mza

Interested to hear your thoughts and musings

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Thanks to all of you for your great input. I've read all of it several times.

Some clarifications. I've no intention of filing myself. I think the confusion comes from the friend's recommendation that I take control of the process, to show WAW that I'm really moving on. And it goes without saying that I don't want to D and that I still love my WAW too much for my own good. Finally, I haven't spoken to a mediator yet, just a couple of lawyers who could represent me if need be.

Here's what I intend to do. I will reply to her message that after making some verifications, I'd rather we wait a few more months before starting the procedures, unless she has a reason to get started now. There's no real benefit to do things right now as the D cannot be official before October. What I wish to say but won't is that the law has a 1-year delay so that cooler minds prevail.

My preference would be that we wait until October to even get started, but I suppose from her immediate request that she won't wait that long. Also, I'm a bit concerned that postponing any of this will keep me hoping too much, or even that it will prevent the M from dying so that the R can be reborn (as Karma12 suggested).

What do you think?

------------------
GAL Report: Had D6 and D3 for the week-end and escaped the city to go to a chalet with friends with kids the same age. We went snow tubing on Saturday, sledding and skating on Sunday. A great fun was had by all and we built lasting memories. When I picked up D6 on Friday she said how much she was happy to see me and one of the things she mentioned was that we do so many things together.

The dark spot is 3 hours of anxiety-induced insomnia from Saturday to Sunday, thinking about my WAW. I've been meaning to take her to such a place for years and I missed her greatly. D6 even caught me on the verge of tears at the snow tubing (didn't realize she was there) and asked if I was sad. I composed myself immediately and said "No, I'm fine".

My resolution is to be more active than usual this week to forget the pain and generally be in a good mood because I feel good about myself. I want to go to bed earlier too. I did all of this last night and now I want to get Monday morning right.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
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"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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