The girl I hired for D12 has canceled AGAIN. She canceled on Friday too. This makes about 8 cancellations in 3 weeks. We will be looking for another tutor. :-(
I'm behind on the paper.
I have a case services hearing this morning in Ohio. My atty never requested that I handle this via phone, although he had indicated to me that I wouldn't have to be in Ohio. I don't think the paperwork was ever filed though. In part, this is my fault because I've been hyper-focused on my job and D12. I let the divorce stuff go...however, I did call this morning and let them know that my atty DEFINITELY advised the judge of my probationary period at work and my difficulties in being in Ohio. Waiting on a phone call from the case services person.
I also sent an email to my atty asking we schedule a phone meeting because Smokey has suggested he wants to settle.
Deep breathes.
Yesterday, I just didn't have it in me to focus on the paper. I think it's frustration, worry and more frustration over the money situation that's really got me. I'm 2 months behind in the car payment and I could go on forever with all the money issues...
I'm done with it. I'm tired of this drain on my energy.
And, this past week, I was back to being the main focus of D12's life. She had the tutor on Tuesday of last week...she had a great day and, then, nothing. Dead air. Back to mom being the main focus.
I cannot do it all.
Feeling angry and overwhelmed and empowered all at the same time. Is that possible?
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Oh, I was praying hard about how to handle this situation with Smokey...do I settle or do I allow this to go through the court system?
I received my clear answer this morning when the courthouse woman told me how I would be expected in Ohio for the two mediation hearings and the March hearing.
I will lose my job if I go. Too much.
Let's just hope Smokey's fickle brain hasn't altered. I suppose his atty bills are the same for him today as they were on Friday. So, I imagine he is still willing.
I will settle. Is $600 enough to ask in spousal support for 5 years. I will probably get $500 for 4 years.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
My shrink last week helped me with time management and it was really useful.
If you are spending the next hr focusing on D stuff then spend the next hr focusing on that and not worrying about the paper. Then plan on spending 2 hrs working on the paper and not worrying about D stuff.
Keep your time increments short. Even 20 minute chucks to start.
I vote for settling. Your mental health and your job are worth more then $100 more a month.
What a bummer about the tutor - she did seem like she had some good qualities but she was still young and just like your D20 has a lot of growing up to do.
Enjoy the snow
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I agree w/BklynMom. You need to start trying to compartmentalizing your issues. If you focus on the divorce, do it in small increments, the same w/your paying your bills and your job, etc. When you put everything into one pot is when you have your major errors and slippages, etc.
Right now, your job is the most important issue that you need to focus on. Your probation should be ending this week....but have they said anything about extending it or do they think you can now be a "regular" employee w/o the probation. I think I would inquire about your job status at the end of the week, since Feb. 1st is on a Sunday. You need to know whether or not you will remain on probation a while longer. I think this type of stress isn't helping you w/doing your job. Probation makes some people jittery/nervous and they tend to make more mistakes. Once the probation period is over, the person usually settles down and can breathe better and know that they are on firm ground. This may be the case w/you.
As for the tutor, search for a new one. This young lady sounded like a really good fit, but evidently she's got some issues w/reporting to work and earning a paycheck, i.e., responsible/accountable.
As for settling, if you can get him to agree to a settlement, I would go for it. The money you would be putting into going to court, i.e., attorney fees, traveling back and forth and the mental strain are very high. Not only is your mental health and your job worth more than $100 a month, but so is your physical health.
Also, I would advise my editor and publisher that you will need to be in Ohio on the dates that you were given. Give them as much notice as possible as to when you are going to be unavailable for work. This goes a long way in showing them that you are a responsible individual who wants to ensure everything continues to run properly while you are away.
Breathe! One issue at a time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Heather, I know you've been stretched to the limit on finances, but you need to send in a small good faith payment in order to keep your car from being repossessed. Have you called the company and advised them of your financial issues and try to work out how you can catch up on the two months payments? If you don't, one day you may go out to get in the car and it will be gone. People today aren't so kind and forgiving when we don't at least make an attempt to pay something on what we owe. It's easier for them to come and reclaim the item and start over w/someone else. This also doesn't look good on your credit rating.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
If the child support is retroactive, you should be asking when can you expect the check for the last 4 1/2-5 months (since January is just about over) for the remainder of what he owes you.
I'm not surprised that you didn't get spousal support. You are employed now and that may be the reason it was taken off the table.
It will be interesting to see just how all of this will play out now that you have entered into settlement discussions.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Ok. So, he will owe me $450 for October, $650 for November, $150 for December and 0 for January (if he comes through with the money he says is sending)...and $650 for February...
That will help. Alot.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I hope you get the back payments very soon. That money would help you play catch up on your finances. Did the lawyer say why you aren't getting spousal support? Any way that this can be revisited or is it completely dead in the water?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It's probably not worth fighting over, but I would certainly raise the question w/your lawyer when you have your phone conference and then you can decide whether you want to continue fighting for it or letting it go, but remember you and only you can decide whether it is worth the headaches and yes, paying additional monies to your lawyer, etc.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I sent a text to Smokey this morning telling him that I advised me atty we want to settle. I asked we use the original dissolution papers I gave him in May of 2014.
He responded: Ok. I will call you on Wednesday morning. Go get busy editing.
I hate this whole...him sounding like old Smokey. It's confusing.
I didn't respond. Kept my focus on work.
I have more to do tonight. Why call me? There's no need to call me.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
You will discover now that things are perking about the divorce and you are willing to go w/the original dissolution papers, he will become more friendly and actually act like the old h. Why? Because the pressure is starting to lift and he's not having to fight w/you over the stuff any longer and yes, he sees himself being free of you, the marriage and the responsibilities of being married in a few short months. He's actually relieved, just as you will be once everything is signed sealed and filed.
He called because he's relieved and also happy to finally have things happening that will bring this marriage to an end. Sad, really when you think about it because he gave up so much, but like all of them, the rainbow is calling and their can never reach the rainbow and one day, hopefully, they'll all realize that.
Be careful when speaking to him tomorrow. It's a business deal and one that you will need to keep your business hat on for. Things could change very suddenly if he is still on a fact finding mission. Nothing has been signed/dated/filed yet. You can be friendly, but don't share too much of your life w/him. Stick to the financials and your daughters. What you are doing w/your life now is none of his business.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The spousal support does not surprise me. A lot of states are starting to look at it as more a life style equalizer. They look at how much each spouse makes and then the difference is split in half and awarded as support for a period of years. If both you and smokie are making about the same amount then they may not give any. If he is making less, then count your blessings if you don't have to pay him support. What your lawyer told you was only to tell you what he thought you wanted to hear.
What I would do at this point is to see if you can have the child support handled through the state. They probably have a system where he would have to send the support check to the state and then they would issue one to you. This way if he does not pay then the state has the record and can go after him.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
I'm feeling a bit better about the spousal support issue.
I talked to my atty and he said they tried to equalize the incomes. And, with the current temp order, I actually come out ahead. Is it fair? Nope. I have a child to support without any help from him...he has a "roommate" who helps pay his rent...my atty brought both those issues up with Smokey's atty...and, it sounds as if Smokey is a bit upset with the judge's decision. Boo Hoo.
But, Smokey's atty said they would agree to the temp support order if we did. I said OK.
In other news, the perfectionist editor called me at 10 p.m. last night. Huh? About something that could've easily been handled via email. It's either feast or famine with this guy.
Paper is out.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Oh, and the spousal support can be revisited. He said the temp support doesn't necessarily mean that's what I would get in a trial.
At this point, I'm just happy the judge has made a decision and it looks like the child support issue may be put to rest. I'm so tired of living like this, worrying about my car payment and rent...
I plan on using the anger from the unfairness of it all to get really buff :-)
I'm not sure I will receive the promised phone call from Smokey now that this issue is floating about. I think Smokey is afraid of his atty...everyone is afraid of his atty...so, we will probably sink back into the hole now that he's spoken to him.
I'm faxing Smokey's handwritten divorce settlement to my atty today.
My atty is upset with me for giving him the tool narrative. IDK. I just want this done.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I can understand why your lawyer is upset w/you concerning the tool narrative. The reason is that you are paying your lawyer to represent you and keep you from getting into even more hot water. How can he represent you if you give this type of info to your h w/o his knowledge? It's one thing to provide it to an investigator, but another to give it to your h, especially when you have already told him a couple of times what happened to the tools. The investigator will put the tool issue to rest once he's completed his report and hopefully he will provide a full report to the insurance company as well as to your h's lawyer and him.
Heather, your h is not your friend at the moment...he fired you from being his wife and you have to look at him in a business way and trying to get things done quickly and going around your lawyer is not the way to do it. I know you want this done, but you need to work w/your lawyer and ask questions before you hand over things to your h. Your h was being friendly (again) because he's looking for info, not because he wants to be friendly. Once the divorce and the financials are finalized then you may be able to consider being on friendly terms because the only thing you'll need to worry about are the support payments. Until then, he's not your h, but a business partner who has flown the coop.
You got some very good advice about having the child support payments be paid directly to the "state" and then having them issue you a check. That way, it's a checks and balance situation and the proof will always be transparent as to him paying on time and not missing a payment.
Don't assume anything when it comes to your h. If he were afraid of this lawyer, he wouldn't have hired him. He was hired because he knows the law and knows how to skirt the issues. Now, he may be afraid of what the bill will be, but no, I don't think he's afraid of his lawyer, it's more like he wants to get this over and done w/ as soon as possible and pay as little as possible to you.
Now, things may change w/that handwritten divorce settlement that your h sent to you. He may come back and say that he was not thinking clearly and has decided that's not what he wanted. You need to prepare yourself just in case this is the case. The MLCers like to play games and will say and do things one time and then the next time the game has changed again.
As for the perfectionist calling you around 10 last evening, are you on call 24/7? You may need to set a boundary as to when the calls can come in late in the evening.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job is correct in telling you to bounce things off your attorney at this point. My wife chose not to and it cost both of us with her first attorney. One time she told me she got a pay raise, but not her attorney. When we ended up in a special masters session, my attorney presented different info than her attorney. Her attorney argued my attorney did not have his facts straight and she had the proof. Then I saw my wife whisper to her attorney, and an angry look come over her attorney's face. She then had to back track her statements and lost a great deal of ground in that session. So, if you are going to work with an attorney, then keep him in the loop.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
My atty told me I shouldn't give the narrative to the investigator. I tried to send it, but it bounced back. I think I had the email wrong. So, the investigator doesn't have it. But, Smokey does. I didn't, however, give my atty permission to give it to his atty. So, at this point, I think it's hearsay. IDK.
I get why I shouldn't have done it. I also get why I did it. I hadn't heard from my atty in weeks and weeks and I can't afford to pay him...Smokey had sent me this written proposal. So, I was hoping this would put the issue to rest.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I would talk to your bank and see what they can recommend. I don't think I would give him that info unless bank says is ok.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
My initial reaction was don't give him your banking info but I just thought about it and its actually totally fine to give him that info and it will definitely make your life easier. He will not be able to access your money but he will be able to transfer money to you.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
If I was given account number and routing number, I can pay a lot of bills on line with that info as well as buy stuff.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Give him the bank information and you can always monitor your account for a while to ensure that the money is coming in and none is being taken out.
I know you are trying to get things done and quickly, but you have to work with your lawyer. You have to trust him to do the right things for you. He's the one that knows the law and what can and can't take place. You are the one paying the money to have him do this. The more you do things on your own and not run them by him, the more tangled up the situation gets, the longer it will take and yes, the more money and effort it will cost to get things straightened out.
Call your mom and ask her to help you out with some money for the time being...but with the understanding that you will pay her back as soon as the checks start coming in.
Breathe. Stay calm and try not to panic. When you panic, you do things that you later regret. You have to remain calm and steady for this stuff.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Your bank should have accepted the check and put a 5 day hold on the funds, with $ 200 same day availability. If its a CU it might be a different hold time and availablity amount.
Wiring instructions are generally considered safe as long as your bank has the proper security protocol in place. If neither of these are a good option for you, the next best solution is to get smokey to send a money order or cashiers check. Good luck!
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
I ended up giving him the bank information and I was really impressed with how he handled things. He had an automatic deposit set up within 45 minutes. I had to help by giving him some information. He paid an additional $15 to make the money move through more quickly. He offered to overnight it if need be.
I know it could be temporary or just the fact the divorce is impending...but, I honestly think Smokey is having some clarity. Something feels very different.
I didn't give him any other information today and ended the conversation with him after the bank stuff was handled. I just told him to have a nice day.
IDK. I'm shelving it for now.
The perf. editor called me at 6 p.m. this evening and asked I call him back tonight to go over the paper. I set a boundary by texting him that I could meet in person tomorrow, but not tonight.
A good sign, from him, he doesn't want to meet in person...said tomorrow over the phone is fine. :-)
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I'm glad the direct deposit is all taken care of. Yes, you are detecting a change in him. He's relieved that things are finally getting taken care of. Yes, he could have done more of the foot work a while back, but like most MLCers, he was dragging his feet. Heather, you will find that getting the money sent to your account is a whole lot better for you and definitely it will be less stressful. Now, you will be able to access your account and see exactly when the money has been deposited. You might even want to consider having your bank send you a notice via email when a deposit is made. I have that and it's great to know when things have been deposited. You could even do this w/your paycheck.
I'm glad you set a boundary with the perfectionist. He needs to know that there is life after the paper. He sounds like a lonely man who has no life and the paper is his life/baby.
Stay positive. One hurdle down w/the h and just a few more to go.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Smokey isn't happy and relieved things are finally getting handled. In fact, I think he's feeling a bit of the opposite. Playtime is over. He is being forced to pay for the consequences of his actions. He is drifting back into husband/father/provider role a bit and, then, back to angry victim mode.
Sort of a Dr. Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde..."Oh, it feels good to be taking care of my family again the way I'm supposed to/I effin hate that b-tch for shutting down my endless party and making me pay--literally/but, I've been pretty miserable and miss my family/what have I done?"
I know and believe he is able to change his frame of mind on a dime because of how conflicted he is. I don't believe he has ever really wanted a divorce. I believe he, down deep, wanted to play, play, play and, then, come home with his tail between his legs.
I know it's mind-reading. That's all for today. It's all confusing. I still don't want a divorce. I never wanted a divorce throughout. I, mainly, wanted the support issue handled.
No worries, peeps. I'm not pulling the emergency stop cord/not stopping the train now. It's just confusing and hard when I see glimpses of the man I knew and loved.
Staying the course.
Job, I've been thinking a lot about your thought that he fired me. He, in actuality, replaced me and never fired me...almost worse than being fired. Sorta like being told you are still holding this position, but you've been replaced and I have no intention of paying you or giving you any benefits the remainder of eternity...Just keep hanging.
Bottom line: Somewhere in the midst of this journey, I reclaimed the 12-year-old girl I was when I met him. I placed him on the reject pile then because he was troubled and obviously bad news. That's where he sits today...back on the reject pile. Not Heather-worthy today.
I will continue to be empathetic and kind...but, stay-the-course I'm on until he makes some bold moves to prove his worthiness.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Send the text message to your lawyer concerning the $500 and let him deal with it. Evidently your h either forgot that he owes you over $600 a month or he's testing you to see if you will just go along w/what he's paying you. Don't play his game...go w/what the court deemed appropriate.
You've gotten a lot done and should be able to breathe a bit better. I'm glad you got the car situation taken care of. On to addressing new issues today at the paper.
BTW, not splitting hairs, but yes you were fired as his wife and companion. When they walk out the door and leave us behind struggling day end and day out and take up w/another individual, yep, we a fired because we are no longer allowed to share their lives w/them. True you were replaced, but in my mind, you were fired, i.e., just like all that post here. We become the former employees that are now compartmentalized in their brains until they need something from us.
Yes, it's a harsh way of putting it...but it also will serve as a reminder to help you to remember that you need to keep your business hat on when dealing w/him.
How did things go w/the perfectionist today? Everything okay?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So, he sends me this email that says they want to meet with me after my one month extension is up. He and the publisher want to meet with me.
Well, that makes me a little nervous...so, I reply that this is fine, but can he give me a head's up on what will be discussed? Should I have story ideas ready? Work on my resume? Whatever...
I answer a few other questions and he responds with "Ok. Thanks."
I have a feeling this has a lot to do with control. He's butter in my hands when I give him some good ol' kiss a$$.
Anyway, we have our phone meeting and he says they want to talk (in the meeting next week) about where we are at with the paper...what is strong, what needs work, what is weak, etc...It didn't sound too terrible. He didn't mention the resume comment which I think is pretty much a dicck move because I have the right to have a little crumb of job security after working my a$$ off.
Then, he goes over the paper with his typical fine-tooth comb...I get a knock for a putting a really cool picture of a snowy owl on the cover. Most of the mistakes weren't bad for a newspaper put together for one person. IDK.
In my reply email, I did make it clear that I was told by the publisher, in our last meeting, that he still considered me the editor of both newspapers (the weekly and the farm and dairy). I made it clear in the email that, if given the choice, I would take the farm and dairy over the community weekly and that is the main reason I took this job.
We shall see.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
So, they want to meet next week and discuss the papers and where they are at. I would make a list of both the pros and cons and have it typed up and ready to hand out at the meeting. If they see the issues in black and white that you have observed, it might make a better impression on them and they will actually "see" versus "hear" what you are telling them.
I would also reiterate in the meeting that, if given a choice, you would be interested in the farm and dairy over the community weekly. Keep dropping those seeds and eventually they will take hold.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I need to create a newspaper that makes the perfectionist editor happy. After talking with him, I always find myself angry with things he says...He's pretty much a jerk. I process information a bit slower than the normal bear and, after the information digests, I get pi$$ed.
One of my key issues has been finding good correspondents to help me write the paper. So, I finally find a young kid about to graduate from school with a journalism degree and the perf. editor learns I hired him...because I follow "procedure" and give him all the info as I've been raked over the coals for not doing in the past...Then, get this...he says, "I'd like to hire him." A$4wipe.
Then, the next day, in our fun meeting where he goes over the newspaper...he tells me how I need to write more local copy.
This guy goes from one thing to another...He fixates on something and, when that issue is handled, he picks another issue.
So...
This week, I have to notarize all my divorce docs and send them to Ohio.
I have to notarize the house docs and send them to Ohio...
I have to meet with the powers that be about my job...without any reassurance from my boss that I won't be fired...which...by-the-by really pi$$es me off.
D12 is still stuck to my side like my bestie. We are interviewing another potential tutor...but, I feel so badly for her. We have been here for 4 months and she doesn't have a good friend yet.
It's ridiculously cold and we are like bears hibernating...when I have all sorts of pressure on me...AGAIN...to perform at work.
I have almost 9,000 miles on my car and I'm expected to come up with all sorts of local copy...
Bottom Line:
Heather needs to feel like she has choices in life. Because of my history of domineering/control freaks...I need to feel like my life is in MY HANDS. When life over takes me with so many pressures, I lose that sense of choice and I begin to spin.
-Choice NUMBER ONE...I took this job when I was in a very desperate situation and needed a chance to move forward...literally with my life. It provided the impetus I needed to get me out of Ohio, away from toxic people and in a place that I absolutely love.
In August of this year, I was broke, unemployed, tutoring a student I'd recently learned was a sexual predator and driving a car with nearly 200,000 miles.
What I've learned: I'm capable. I'm flexible. I'm smart. I'm loyal. I have a lot to offer. If this company can't see it, I will be OK. I'm not writing this opportunity off yet...but, I'm done acting as if it's the only opportunity for me and I'm done feeling as if I'm a slave to this company's strange whims.
And, I'm so sick of having a kid with Asperger's! I love her soooo much...she is so tuned into my every mood and feeling. Ugh. If I feel tense, she asks, "Why are you stressed?"
If I feel overwhelmed and need a moment alone, she says, "Are you sick of me?"
She is sooooo intuitive. Like me. She senses my every mood. In Ohio, it was ok because she had girlfriends who would distract her and give me a time out. Here, it's ALLLLLLL ME. I'm whipped.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Oh...and, I'm wondering if the perf. editor likes me...I know it sounds weird...but, I don't think this guy has a life. His job IS his life. I clearly prioritize my family into my life. He resents that. He knows I haven't given this job the time it needs to do it well. I admit that. He sees that and it pi$$es him off that I can get things done in half the time he needs. He, painstakingly, goes over every comma...I refuse to do that. If I have to choose between going over a comma 15 times, I will go over it 2 or 3 times and, then, sign off so I can move on to other things.
I'm not throwing in the towel...but, I am getting honest with myself. I don't like how this company so quickly has thrown me under the bus.
What I'm grateful for:
I'm grateful for God bringing us to this part of the country. I love this area and I love the artisans/crafts, beauty, free spirits around us, influence of Fort Drum, history, quaintness, wildlife, etc...I can see myself making a decent life here.
I'm grateful for what I've learned about myself. I'm wayyyyy more capable than I ever thought. :-)
I'm grateful for the women I've met who have shown me what you can accomplish as a single mom, entrepreneur, businesswoman, etc...
I'm grateful for a steady paycheck.
On another note: I'm scared about providing health insurance for myself. I don't have dental. My insurance is expensive and not as good as Smokey's. Ugh.
If I feel like I have choices and I'm in charge of my own destiny, I feel all sorts of energy relating to putting out these newspapers. When I allow myself to get bogged down by the divorce, motherhood, the perf. editor and other dysfunction at this company...I become a child reacting to events instead of an adult choosing to succeed.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I'm so tired. I want a break from motherhood and divorce idiocy. I don't have the energy to throw myself, again, into creating an entire newspaper...only to have a meeting waiting for me at the end where I may and probably will be heavily criticized and may even lose my job.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, Are you angry after the conversations w/the perfectionist because the things he's pointing out are not correct or are you angry because you didn't catch whatever he's pointing out to you on your own? What is it about him that makes you angry? Is it the way he talks to you or is it something else?
Maybe he's figured out that you can handle one thing at a time and correct that issue and then he points out another one. Maybe he thinks you are juggling entirely too many balls in the air and can only deal w/one issue at a time because of this. Maybe he sees a lot of potential in you and wants you to be the best you can be and to do so, he's pointing out things to you. Heather, humans are strange beings and some people who can tell the hard worker bees from the slackers usually get all of the flack. Not making excuses but there has to be a rhyme to his reason.
When he said he wanted you to work on more local copy...what is he referring to?
So, you hired a young man to help as a correspondent. This is great news. It should work out well and he's fresh off the college path and should do a good job w/fresh ideas, etc.
Do you have a time frame to send your notarized documents to Ohio? If not, do it on your day off. Look up notaries in you area so that you can make an appointment to see one. It's not a biggie like all of the questions you had to do. It shouldn't take you long to have this done.
Your boss isn't going to "reassure" you about your job prior to the meeting. He's going to take into consideration everything that has transpired since your coming on board, listen to what you have in the way of ideas, comments etc. Did you make the list I suggested for the meeting? Make copies of the list so that each member has a copy to refer to as you state your pros and cons. It will give them something to carry away from the meeting.
When are you interviewing the next tutor? Have you given any thought to asking the lady you met if your D12 could join her homeschooling group? Maybe she can suggest a way for your D12 to meet and greet some new friends.
Heather, your life is in your hands. You need to calm down, take a huge breathe and when you break down each of your "vents", they are fixable, one by one. We have suggested before take one thing at a time and when you look at the entire pie, yes...it's a lot, but by cutting out a slice at a time, it can be done and done well.
I've always been a firm believer and not allowing the grass to grow under my feet. Once my foot was in the door of a job, I'd work it for a while and then I'd begin to look for the next position that you give me the next step up on the ladder. If you do not think that this is going to work out for you, start looking now and submitting resumes. Don't wait until you are either handed a pink slip, transferred to a position you don't like or get so frustrated you quit. You do have control over your career, as well as your life.
I can honestly say that being in the workforce is totally different than being at home teaching in a nice quiet environment. Why? Because in the workforce, you will encounter all types of supervisors and not all of them will be on the same page w/you. Whereas, being your own boss makes things easier. It's hard to transition from being your own boss to being an actual employee, i.e., having to take the good w/the bad and sometimes you have to stuff down the stuff they tell you and continue to move forward. Sometimes you have to make lemonade out of the sour lemons that they give you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
When I took this job, I was very in tune with my vision for myself. I was attracted to the job because I saw so many opportunities I could draw on after having experience as an editor...freelance opportunities, publishing/book opportunities, children's books, web writing, etc...I knew that being an editor would make me much more viable to a whole slew of other things.
I don't work hard enough for this perf. editor. I think that's what it is. He reminds me of so many people in my life who couldn't understand how I am able to focus a tremendous amount of energy and harness it in a smaller amount of time. He is a hamster on a wheel. I work differently. I prefer to throw myself into a project...focus hard...then move on to the next phase or next project.
And, when I'm in good favor with him, he thinks I am on-call 24/7. I don't like that.
Maybe I'm not cut out to be an employee? I will continue, but I will also get honest.
I tend to heavily criticize myself after talking to him because I feel like that little girl who is being told she is lazy or "not working up to her potential."
And, it bothers me because, in part, I'm simply not interested in parts of this job. They want a newshound who will attend umpteen meetings and be in the community.
Truth is...I've done that as a reporter. And, I found a house about 40 minutes from where all the action is...
If I have to be really honest with myself. I don't want to work that hard at the stuff they want me to work hard on. I've done all that...the meetings, the driving forever to here and there...
I have a little girl who has only me as companionship right now. I feel pulled to make sure she is ok.
I need to get back in touch with HOW I want to use this position:
-I want to gain some confidence after being belittled for so long and after being called lazy and slothful for years and years... -I want to learn some new skills and I have...lots. -I want to feel good about myself for rising to the occasion. -I want to do a good job, so I know I can do it. -I want to learn some self-discipline so I can feel good about myself and be a good example for D12 and D20. I want to learn how to do routine, to some extent.
But, I want to be true to myself and true to my gifts.
When finishing this sentence..."I'm always the one who...did everything, took care of everything, handled things, accepted responsibility for everyone and everything, didn't take time for myself, took the blame for every failure in my marriage, job...I'm always the one who expected wayyy too much from myself and burned myself out trying to be all to everyone."
I'm a quiet, thoughtful person. I need quiet to process information and work at my best.
I'm closer than I've ever been to my vision for myself.
Who knew that a blessing could still be such hard work?
I think I thought that achieving a vision or getting closer to it, meant sitting in a Lazy Boy and watching Netflix. The truth is...the more blessings that come your way, the more God expects of you. The more you walk through the fire, the hotter the Devil makes it.
I feel like I was hidden from my vision for decades...and, in the span of a few months, God turned things around. That doesn't mean I get to rest. I had plenty of time to rest, now it's time to work.
This job isn't it, but it's a stepping stone. The publisher and the perfectionist editor are in my life now to help me create some habits that will pull me forward to whatever God has in store. Somehow, this journey and my background and my miracle and, now, this experience, are all mixed together.
This is the time to perform. To every season.
It's ok if I'm tired. I just need to plan rest into the equation and quit fretting about this editor, but somehow manage to be more of what he is asking. IDK.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
But, I'm really damn tired and D12 NEEDS ME...in a neon sign the size of the HOLLYWOOD Sign at the top of the Whiteface Mountain. She is tune to every feeling, move, word I speak...I am the center of her universe right now and it's freakin exhausting. I feel like I did when she was a toddler. I'm it. She is sucking me dry.
And, I'm frustrated.
I would pay one million dollars to have a day where she is busy and safe and with someone she trusts and making friends her own age and I have an entire day to do as I please without feeling guilty or worried or the pressure I SHOULD be doing something else. Right now, it feels like it's ALL on me and it is.
And, Houston...we have reached the source of Heather's frustration today. She needs a break to recharge...and it's all me. I see a long highway of the same in front of me.
The perf. editor is just being a d-bag like many bosses...I can handle him...but, again, my energies are being sapped by other shid. The only way through is through.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, It's not the matter of whether the publisher likes you or not, it's a matter of ensuring that the paper is good to go to print. He is looking at the fact that you are getting things done in half the time, but there are errors in the work. I think he would prefer you to slow down and cut the amount of errors. Heather, I have been right where you are today. I use to get my work done in half the time that others did, but when my supervisor use to call me in and point out the error rate on a legal brief, I knew that I had to slow down, take my time and proofread. Believe it or not, I use to use a ruler to proofread each line. Once I learned to take things slower and not assume that someone else would catch the errors besides myself, I began to hone my skill for proofreading and that particular supervisor was elated that he didn't have to deal w/the fall out with legal briefs that had errors and misplaced commas or semi-colons. So, yes, I do understand the frustration. My advice, slow down, find a quiet place and focus on reading the text one line at a time and not just scan/read the document for content.
Even though there are parts of the job you don't care for, look at it as an opportunity to learn something different, something you may not have even thought of doing if you had been given a choice. The more you learn (yes, even those things you truly don't want to do), the more you'll have to put on your resume. Every job is going to have duties and responsibilities that you don't like.
Now, about the 24/7 calls. When you were interviewed did they tell you that you would be on speed dial 24/7? If they didn't, you will need to address this w/them during the meeting. What are your core hours? If you are to be at work at 8:00, then you should be there. If you work at home, your start and ending time should be the same as a day in the office. On your day off, you are off unless it's an emergency or a need to know.
To be perfectly honest w/you, I think you've been given a golden opportunity and the publishers have been flexible w/you. They've allowed you to work from home and if I recall, you've even gone in late in the morning and have left early in the afternoon. They also gave you Wednesdays off and all of that has been allowed and you are a brand new employee on probation. Not many places would do this for a new employee until they had gotten off probation or had been employed at least 6 months. You've been very lucky that they have been so accommodating w/your employment hours. In turn for being flexible w/your hours, they expect you to come to work and be ready to put your focus on your work and ensure that the paper goes out w/very few or no errors.
This is my personal opinion, but I think the perfectionist knows that you aren't operating at fully capacity and he knows that there is so much more to Heather in the way of knowledge and experience that he's trying to pull that out of you. He's trying to hone your skills even more and even though you don't care for his comments, in his own way, he's trying to help you.
Blessings and golden opportunities do take hard work, i.e., a lot of hard work. If that weren't the case, we all would be in the Garden of Eden sitting around enjoying life doing little or nothing. In order to get where you want to be, there's going to be a lot of hard work and yes, even some work you don't like...but I can promise you, when you get to the finish line and are where you are suppose to be, you'll look back and be thankful for all of the hard knocks that you took along the way. Why? Because you will appreciate each and every struggle and know that you became stronger for them and you'll appreciate what you've accomplished.
Heather, you don't have to change yourself for the editor. You do need to slow down, read the documents carefully and proofread slowly. Use my old trick, i.e., a ruler to help you read one line at a time. It does work.
As for your D12, it's time to figure out some social groups, i.e., girl scouts, dance lessons, homeschooling w/another parent and kids. All of these things may be accomplished after hours or a "sitter" could take her to them. It doesn't necessarily have to be a tutor to take her to dance lessons, the library, etc. Have you looked into sitters and not just tutors? Make a list of things that you want to accomplish on Wednesday such as the notary and sending the documents to Ohio, contacting sitters/tutors for assistance w/your D12, and then carve out a bit of time for yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Heather, I'm going to give you one more piece of advice and you can take it or leave it. Do not discuss your issues with your supervisors w/the employees. Employees love drama and gossip and even though they may have had issues w/the same people, you can pretty much bet that they will love to hear about your issues and then probably talk about you and the issues later on. That type of info will work it's way back to the supervisors. It may not happen today, but it will surely circle back around.
If you need someone to talk to come here or phone a friend, but don't share that stuff w/the employees. You've only been there since October and you do not know the lay of the land w/these folks.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm doing ok. Well, that's a bit of a lie this morning. My meeting with the publisher has been delayed and won't be until tomorrow or Friday.
Working on the paperwork for the house. Noticed my FIL prepared the title docs and put together the judgments from the domestic relations judge with the pertinent title docs. Inlaws are heavily invested in this divorce. But, I guess I already knew that. All about saving face. I can only imagine what they are doing with all that I wrote Smokey.
Smokey is clearly back in the tunnel. He sent a text yesterday asking if I received the money yet. I hadn't, but it showed up later in the day.
He called D12 by the nickname he and his family call her. A nickname she now hates.
I think I'm angry.
Yesterday, I got the paper done with the Grace of God. Only way I can see how it got done.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
You had a very good idea where your in-laws stood regarding the divorce. As for what you wrote to your h, it was the truth and no matter how many ways you slice it, the truth will always be there and you certainly can't forget what you told to this one or that one. I wouldn't worry too much about it now.
As for the nickname, you and your D12 should just ignore it. It won't matter how many times you correct them on this, they will continue to call her that because they know it annoys both of you. When they see no one is responding/reacting to the nickname, hopefully they'll stop using it. Ignore them as they are not worth space in your head.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I saw a bald eagle this morning!! A BALD EAGLE!! I've never seen one before!!
A snowy owl last week and a bald eagle today. I am blessed. Truly.
And, let's shift the paradigm. I made it through another newspaper edition by God's Grace. I suppose the edition could've never made it to print. It made it. :-) It's out.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Yeah, I hear you on the "rent is due". It gets old after awhile paying bills.
We have lots of bald eagles in my area. They are beautiful birds. Behind my mother's home, there is an open field w/woods nearby. They nest in woods and all of the neighbors toss out food for them to eat so that we can enjoy seeing them.
Snowy owls are beautiful birds as well. God and Mother Nature have a way of showing us that there is some beautiful life out there and it's free to enjoy. The canvas that they paint each and every day is to be appreciated.
I'm glad to read that the paper went to print.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The ILs aren't heavily invested in Smokey per se, but actually carrying the load for him because Smokey is incapable of doing the leg work himself. They're rescuing him from his own incompetence. Doncha see that? He's a schmuk who doesn't deserve any of your headspace.
My car is stuck in the driveway and a sweet little ol' lady is waiting for me all dressed up and made up, so I can take her picture. Ugh.
I'm waiting for the guy to come and plow some of the snow away.
I'm ANGRY!
And, I don't want to hear how I need to let it go and forgive because that's for me and not for him and blah, blah, blah...
I'm ANGRY.
I'm angry that it took 4 months on top of the time I had already waited since last spring for a judge to finally say Smokey has to pay child support.
I'm angry that my bills are behind and I've had to sweat out each month's rent because I've been waiting for some judge to finally add his two cents.
I'm angry that I'm not getting any temporary spousal support when that was the whole reason I filed for divorce. My atty assured me that I would get temp spousal support because of the length of our marriage.
I'm angry that Smokey feels he can and does still toy with my emotions and sends me selfies and bullshid text messages about missing to talk to me...but, when it comes down to it still does whatever he is told when it comes to acting selfish and protecting his own a$4 and making sure he doesn't have to part with a dime more than he has too. That he SAYS he wants to make peace and care for our daughter...but, still has the effin nerve to pay me $500 for the month of Jan. (deposit came through on FEBRUARY 4!)--despite the fact a judge told him three days earlier that he is supposed to pay $650.
I'm angry that D20 is struggling the way she is and I'm angry that she was a popular, somewhat well-adjusted kid until her as$hatt of a father screwed around with her life.
I'm angry that I still don't have help with D12 and can't really afford any help.
I'm angry that he will only have to pay $650 per month, plus $110 in car insurance even though his rent is HALF the amount mine is AND he has a ROOMMATE to help him with her disability payments.
I'm angry that my inlaws are still helping this a$$wipe even he destroyed a beautiful family and they are still capable...after all he has done to remain disloyal and unhelpful to the welfare of their own grandchildren.
I'm angry that he will get to continue living his carefree life even though I'm taking care of the children and pets acquired during our long-a$$ and painful marriage.
I'm angry that I tolerated so much for so long and now I'm still the one paying...I can't afford health insurance right now. But, he's allowed to take me off his policy.
I'm angry that I married deranged damaged guy and I will be paying forever...Even though I was a good wife and loyal and supportive and forgiving and willing to accept his most ridiculous character defects. I'm angry that I took the blame for his crappola and I'm still paying the price for his immaturity.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I'm angry that my attorney seems to treat me as an afterthought and even questioned my integrity with the tools because I was hesitant to tell him the truth about what I wanted to do with the tools.
My atty was told about my health insurance and the cost it will take from each paycheck...but, I still lost temp health insurance and spousal support.
I'm angry that I borrowed money from my dad...which is due to be paid back this month...all because my atty assured me that it would pay off in the long run...I would have about a $1000 per month in support which is what I budgeted and I don't have $1000 per month...I have $500 from Jan and THAT'S ONLY BECAUSE I REACHED OUT SMOKEY TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.
And, I know that it will take a while for child support to get their ducks in a row and that means I will be waiting for money even longer.
Why am I the effin victim with all this insanity and I'm being treated like I did something wrong?
Better yet...Why is my kid suffering because of her as$hole father and his selfishness.
Why isn't my atty representing my best interests and fighting harder?
I paid him part of D20's college fund. She isn't in college right now because I chose to pay HIM...I was told that it would be worth it and we'd finally enjoy some financial stability...Bullshid.
My daughter isn't in college. Doesn't appear that he will ever pay the $2500 he owes her for her tuition. I'm not able to pay her back. And, the only way I can...MAYBE...see some fairness from the system is if take this to trial and that means the money I could POSSIBLY receive will be eaten up by atty fees.
I'm PIS$ed.
I should have trusted my instincts. My instincts said, "Heather. Don't hire the atty. File for temp support with the state. Get his permission to leave Ohio. Leave it at that."
Now, my job is on line. The raise I was promised is shot to hell. And, I'm still not divorced and I still don't have enough to pay my bills or help my daughter finish college.
Filing wasn't worth it. It only pis$ed off my inlaws who, then, took precautions to make sure I paid for embarrassing them publicly...and Smokey? He may miss the he!! outta his family...but, he won't ever grow the balls to step away from mamma and do the right thing...maybe when she is dead.
I plan to be happily re-married at that point. As$wipe.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Oh, and I'm angry that I stepped up to the plate and I made changes. I made things easier for Smokey by getting and accepting a decent job...AND...NOW, I feel as if I'm being penalized for it. Smokey will have an EXTRA $500 in his pocket each month.
He gets to remain a degenerate and he is paid extra.
I stuck by our kids. I've been there through this nightmare and handled things.
I said goodbye to a house and neighborhood my daughter and I loved...a house full of memories...a garden it took years to create. And, I said goodbye and he gets an extra $500 in his pocket because his parents hired the better attorney.
I hired the fair attorney. Stupid.
Now, I'm living in Canada and D12 hasn't a friend in range.
I'm so effin angry.
OH! And, nobody says a GD thing about his affair because we are in a NO FAULT State. He gets to have that skank rifle through our memories and come into our home that we built together and the courts don't make him pay for his irresponsibility or selfishness...like it's all ok...to bring that skank and her dog into our home?
Bullshid.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I put so much energy into this marriage, this man, our broken-down home...all to have it thrown in my face. Over and over again...Even two states away.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Our Cap'n of the Soccer team daughter spent two nights in the "Grown Up" jail for Crap's sake. I was there for that. He!!, my friends on this board were there for that...Was Smokey? Nope.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I think I'm feeling a bit better. A bit lighter. I've been carrying all of this anger around with me. Putting one foot in front of the other. Just doing whatever is the next right thing to do. Blindly moving forward, but feeling all this anger inside.
Being the mom, shelving the anger.
Being the editor, shelving the anger.
Being the atty's client, shelving the anger.
Being the new employee, shelving the anger.
Being the financial manager of our little family, shelving the anger.
No wonder I'm tired.
I feel like I'm watching the past 3 years on a movie screen before my eyes...each day. I'm watching with horror at all we've gone through because of this selfish, damaged man and his selfish, damaged family. The dominoes have nearly all fallen as a result of the actions he took way back...or maybe the actions his parents took way back when...one domino fell and another and another...and now, we sit watching the last few fall.
I'm tired. All I've wanted throughout is some peace of mind and financial stability to recreate my life.
Letting go and moving forward.
And, still the rejection hurts...he is going to let us go. Completely. WE'VE MOVED. He is going to sign those divorce papers the way he has signed the house papers. The way he was able to bring that skank into our home. He will trudge forward no matter how loudly God screams and shouts and throws bricks at his head...he will ignore God. He will ignore his children's cries for help. He will ignore my own cries for his help...he will do what his own will says is the next move. He will continue to betray us like Judas and I will have no choice, but to move forward and let him go.
That's the worst part...watching someone destroy...piece-by-piece, something God put together.
For MY part, I will make certain that nothing we've been through will be wasted. I will use this anger.
But, letting this last bit go is still hard. His being an as$wipe makes it a bit easier.
Mr. No Balls Smokey.
Last edited by LoisB; 02/05/1504:04 PM.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Whew! Good vent. Get it out. Don't hold on. You are justifiably angry. And using it to propel you along is good. Motivation. I know you won't let it turn your minset negativly. You appreciate things, like an eagle. Angry, bitter people don't see that.
Get it out, heather. Leave it there. You are amazing. Keep moving. With finances, I tend to think, it's the cards I have now been dealt. Frustrating at times. I know you are making the very best of it. I am frustrated for you that smokey is being so stingy. That's really annoying. But- that's who he is right now.
Be you now. I know you have been authentic. Make lemonade out of lemons, is what you do. You are entitled to get angry. Don't hang there too long.
You have taken on a lot. And by yourself. You have done amazing things thus far. You will continue to- because that's what you do!
Keep you head up, Heather. And get those boots ready for walking.
How DARE HE USE me again-these past weeks- as his source of comfort when clarity struck again. I'm nobody's PLAN B. Until he can prove that I'm Plan A and SHOWS me what PLAN A deserves through his actions...well, he can just suck it until then.
I've proven my value even when I didn't have to prove my value to anyone. I'm the same person I've always been. How lucky has been to have someone like me in his life and, THEN!, to throw it all away. Dumba$$.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I had a lil' thing with a young handsome guy. Since I've been in N.Y. and letting go of my marriage...I am understanding why God gave me this little taste of something other than Smokey.
This man was a bit immature and not ready to commit and so forth...BUT...I'm seeing he was loads more mature than Smokey. I was given a glimpse of what another relationship may look like. I was given a glimpse of what having someone in my life...someone who was willing and able to help me out and do nice things and have intelligent conversations and rapport...without all the drama...and to have HONESTY...I was given a glimpse. It was nice.
Something/Someone better is waiting. I plan on working on myself--as always--so I'm ready when the time is right.
One thing is for sure...I've changed and my taste in my men has changed. I like nicer guys. I'm not attracted to deadbeat, troubled types any longer. Or, at least 85% screams "Run!" when I'm faced with someone with those characteristics.
I'm finding myself attracted to some really nice people. I think that's a good sign.
And, another thing I know for sure...I moved to N.Y. I'm supposed to be HERE. If Smokey, by some wild hair, said, "Come back to Ohio." I know in my bones that I wouldn't.
I guess, down deep, I knew when I moved...that I was setting a firm, literal boundary...if you want to be with ME...then, YOU will have to make the effort to come TO ME.
The hard part is accepting that, at this time, he isn't going to make that effort. It's easier for him to sit in his own shid.
I truly, deeply will only accept someone in my life who has some balls.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, Shovel until you have released that anger. It's good that you are getting it out there so that you don't stroke out or have a heart attack. Did you remember to call the lady and tell her that you need to be plowed out before you come over and take photos?
You are not a victim and don't allow what he's done make you think that way. BTW, no, you aren't the same person that you've always been...you've changed, become more vocal, standing up for your rights and struggling day in and day out to make a home for you and your children.
About the $2,500 you think he still owes on your D20's college education...that is old news and he is not going to pay that money out. You need to wipe that from the slate and accept that it's a loss. Yeah, I hear you! It's a darn shame he won't help his daughter out w/college, but that's the way it sometimes happens when it comes to money and these crisis people. I know you could strangle him, but it's not going to change a thing when it comes to him paying this money out.
I know your lawyer told you certain things would happen and what to expect...but he didn't honestly know what would happen in the way of support until the hearings. They generally try to give you a ball park figure so that you can plan around it. Your judge wasn't so kind in getting the amounts down on paper for the correct amounts and as for spousal support...isn't that something your lawyer has any control over, especially when the judge makes a determination about what he'll allow or not allow.
Once you get your financials in shape, you need to set up a plan to set aside a little bit of money each pay day for emergencies. Right now, you don't have any funds to do this and you are operating on "reaction".
Heather, let's face it, your h isn't a prize right now any more than mine was when he walked out. They don't care about anyone but themselves. Your life right now may look scary, but it will get better once you begin getting support and getting your bills paid on time.
It will get better but you've got to get thru the divorce process in order for that to happen. Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Heather, What exactly did you think would happen when people file for divorce? Did you think that he would continue to carry you on his health insurance when you were working and yes, your company offered health insurance? Why do you think that they contacted HR? They wanted to see just exactly you had available to you in the way of insurance salary, etc. It's one thing that he continues to carry your youngest d on his insurance and he has the option of dropping d20 if he so wishes. There is no mandatory requirement for him to continue to carry her. As for your car insurance...you are darn lucky he's willing to continue to pay that for you. He could just as easily stop paying that and it might just happen once the divorce is finalized.
Had you remained in your former home, you would still be struggling to find money to pay people, purchase groceries and repair your Jeep. You would still be relying on him to cough up money to pay support. And, yes, you would be blaming him for everything. Your life back in Ohio was not a rosy one, in fact, it was horrible the way you struggled. Why would you even think that you shouldn't have moved and accepted the position you have now? At least where you are now, you have a steady income and know that there is a pay check coming in each month. If you are not happy w/where you are now, start applying for other positions that are better suited. Let's face it, your life w/him on the run was horrible. Where you are today is a far cry from where you were a year ago.
You've come a long way and yes, divorce is not pretty. In fact, it's down right taxing on the brain and body, but when they walk, don't want to pay up what is due and yes, continue to live on the lam, you have to do something about it. You can't live in limbo forever because it's not a fun place to be. Once your divorce is finalized, you will then be able to finally settle down, move forward and live your life to the fullest....but until then, you are going to need that anger to push you forward and continue to remind yourself that he is not your friend.
You need to stop looking at yourself as the victim because you aren't...you are a survivor.
Nobody is responsible for you but YOU. You carry around a lot of anger about other people not helping you (parents, Smokey, etc) but at the end of the day, it's not their job. It would be nice if you had a better support system, but you have a tendency to let your anger and expectations that someone else will bail you out, get in the way of you doing what you need to do.
Have you posted an ad for a room mate yet? Your rent is too expensive for you right now, a room mate would help you quite a bit with your finances. Also, if you could get lucky and get a nice student or better yet, an older woman, they might be able to help somewhat with D12.
As for work, you need to quit RE-acting to people there as if they are your parents. You have a job to do, they have certain expectations that are not unreasonable, you just need to figure out how to make it all happen. You CAN do this. Try reframing some things. "Perfectionist editor" is not a critical parent - he's "really good detail-oriented editor". He IS good at catching the mistakes - I'm not sure why things aren't set up to run the paper by him BEFORE it goes to press?
As for the in-laws - you should be GRATEFUL they are helping Smokey with the divorce, the less he has to spend on legal fees, the more he has to pay his child support bills.
And I know the job has been all-consuming (and needs to be, at this moment) but don't forget to think about side hustles that might bring in a little extra cash. (Evening babysitting in your home for a mom who works the night shift? Side writing hustles?).
I think I do let it out and then move on...In fact, I remember getting pretty angry right before I started my job hunt over the summer. I really used that anger.
I'm trying to create a better relationship with anger. I tend to go to depression as my default. I've been in such a funk the last month. I really needed to get angry. I've felt so much tension from everything.
I will argue one thing...I don't think I've been blaming my parents at all. I've been working really hard to handle things without whining.
I AM angry with Smokey. I'm down to the end of the journey here with my marriage and I'm angry with how it's all gone down. I will let it go and have a wonderful life...but, for today, I felt angry and I needed to let it out. I deserved better than what I got.
Today, I didn't email my boss or yell at D12 or text Smokey some scathing text. I vented on here to let it out. Then, I went and shoveled like he!1 to get my car unstuck. And, I did it! All by my lonesome self. :-)
Bottom Line: I'm disappointed. I really believed I would get spousal support. I knew I wouldn't have Smokey's insurance, but I thought I would have it temporarily until the divorce was final and I would have more support to handle the cost of the insurance from my own paycheck. I, honestly, thought he would have to pay more for what he did. I thought I would be in a better position to start over. It's a harsh reality to swallow. He threw our lives upside down. It's not fair, but I will get past and rise above it. For today, though, I was angry. I gotta get through the anger to get it done. We were treated badly.
However, I'm living in a beautiful part of the country. I'm better off than I was four months ago. A judge has finally made a decision about support. I have a fabulous new car that I love, love, love and it's gotten me safely over some treacherous roads.
I do feel some anger with my inlaws. I can't help but wonder if my FIL hadn't been the former domestic relations judge...whether I would have spousal support.
Still, in the long run, I know I'm better off with them away and out of our lives. This process has illuminated their level of ick and it's pretty profound.
It's only been four months since we moved. D12 and I are feeling sad about the house and friends we left behind. Signing the final papers on the house was hard yesterday.
I'm looking forward to when we have a steady system of support and friends in this new life. It's still pretty lonely and scary. Any feeling of security sounds like a luxury right now.
We will get there.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I know how much it suck$ being a single parent and dealing with all the crap these a$$ throw at us. It is not fair.
But today we are blessed enough to have our beautiful children safe and mostly happy.
This whole divorce process has really made me a raging feminist. (And I know some men get screwed by the system too - I guess I really just think divorcing when you have kids at home is plain WRONG and f-ed up)
Anyway hang in there Heather. Glad you had fun dancing & working out with D12.
Don't let the ba$tards drag you down
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Heather, I'm glad you are feeling better today. You have so much to be thankful for and yes, you are living in a beautiful part of the country and you have begun a new life.
I seriously doubt that your FIL's career as a domestic relations judge had anything to do w/judge's ruling concerning spousal support. I think the judge that is overseeing your case, looked over the documents, saw what you are currently making, etc. and made his decision. However, I do think your FIL offered up some free advice to his son on what he needed to do in order to get moving on the divorce. I wouldn't have expected anything less, after all it is his son that is in this situation, regardless of what you told your FIL about his son's behavior, blood is always thicker than water.
Have you taken some time to meet your neighbors? Have you thought about joining an activity from the church? This could be something that you and your daughter could do together. It's time to check our your paper and see what's going on in the community that you both could participate in. I'm sure that they have activities that would be fun/educational for your D12.
You, and only you, have control over your life...don't give that control to anyone else and one more thing, stop providing head space to your H and in-laws rent free. They aren't worth the rent/space.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Heather I have been catching up on things. You have been dealing with a lot and it is difficult to imagine a future when we keep looking back. It is hard but being in a new town is a huge opportunity. A clean slate and the chance to be the person you've always wanted to be free from past labels and drama.
The more time he takes up in your head the less space you have for you and all the people you love.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Heather, I'm sorry to read that the young reporter is going to be working on another publication. I'm sure the editor had his reasons for putting him there. Did you actually hire him or did the editor hire him after speaking to you?
I would continue to look for someone to hire. There are plenty of college students that will be or have graduated looking for jobs in the publishing field. Don't let this one hire get you down and don't take it personally.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I went back thru your postings and I did find one posting about this young man, fresh out of college, and you stated that you let the editor know that you had hired him. His comment was "I'd like to hire him". Evidently, the editor was impressed enough w/the young man and placed him where he not only will learn the ropes, but also can help the publication out in other areas. I'm not surprised by this turn of events. I've seen this happen quite often.
In the editor's own way, he's trying to make you a better employee. He knows you have the potential, but he hasn't quite figured out how to tap into that potential. A sneak? No. Maybe a jerk on some levels, but there is a method to his madness and the more I read about him the more I sense what he's trying to do. How can I say this? Because I've been both the employee who worked quickly and then had a lot of errors and also the supervisor and director of an organization whereby the shoe was on the other foot and had to figure out how to tap into employees' potential and get them to use that potential for the good of the organization as well as for themselves.
Heather, your editor knows you can do this job.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
To the issue of my parents' and grandmother's will...I simply said...They are unwilling to provide this information. If they really want this info, they can subpeona my 96-year-old grandmother.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
You have to feel better after collecting, notarizing and sending off the interrogatories and house stuff. It's been a time consuming headache and one you won't have to do again for this divorce. As for missing things....they'll let you know, but I'm sure you addressed everything in a concise manner.
As for the estates of your parents and grandparents, that was uncalled for because that should have absolutely nothing to do w/your divorce. Besides, even if someone were to pass on, it is not joint money because your h wasn't named in the will. I seriously doubt that they will take this any further.
A couple of more things checked of your list of must dos.
Try to enjoy your weekend.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yeah, the stuff about the wills is complete BS. Whether you were to inherit money at a later date or not has nothing whatsoever to do with this divorce. For instance, what if a decision was based on the assumption you were to inherit a certain amount, and then you get disinherited or a demented relative changes their will at the last minute? You absolutely cannot rely upon inherited money and I can't imagine they would have any legal basis whatsoever for requesting that information.
As for the employee - has he been hired completely away, or are they offering him more hours by working both papers? Is there any way to keep him working part-time on yours as well? It does seem odd for an organization to poach an employee from one branch for another without at least giving you a heads up, but honestly, I've never worked in business so I have no idea what is customary.
It DOES reflect well on your ability to hire employees, though
It felt so good leaving the post office. I felt the possibilities open. Without the drain on my energy, wonder what's ahead????
I think I needed to get angry to gather the fuel for this final onslaught of documents, emotional garbage with letting go of the marriage...newspaper, etc...
Sent Smokey's selfie back to him. Said I didn't really need it. Thanks, but no thanks.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, You are going to find that you will feel so much better once everything is signed, sealed and filed. That heavy weight you've been carrying around will be gone once things are finalized. I promise you, it will get better.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
