Not much of a cheese shop, is it?

[job]

So, they want to meet next week and discuss the papers and where they are at. I would make a list of both the pros and cons and have it typed up and ready to hand out at the meeting. If they see the issues in black and white that you have observed, it might make a better impression on them and they will actually "see" versus "hear" what you are telling them.

I would also reiterate in the meeting that, if given a choice, you would be interested in the farm and dairy over the community weekly. Keep dropping those seeds and eventually they will take hold.

[LoisB]

I need to vent a bit...

This week:

I need to create a newspaper that makes the perfectionist editor happy. After talking with him, I always find myself angry with things he says...He's pretty much a jerk. I process information a bit slower than the normal bear and, after the information digests, I get pi$$ed.

One of my key issues has been finding good correspondents to help me write the paper. So, I finally find a young kid about to graduate from school with a journalism degree and the perf. editor learns I hired him...because I follow "procedure" and give him all the info as I've been raked over the coals for not doing in the past...Then, get this...he says, "I'd like to hire him." A$4wipe.

Then, the next day, in our fun meeting where he goes over the newspaper...he tells me how I need to write more local copy.

This guy goes from one thing to another...He fixates on something and, when that issue is handled, he picks another issue.

So...

This week, I have to notarize all my divorce docs and send them to Ohio.

I have to notarize the house docs and send them to Ohio...

I have to meet with the powers that be about my job...without any reassurance from my boss that I won't be fired...which...by-the-by really pi$$es me off.

D12 is still stuck to my side like my bestie. We are interviewing another potential tutor...but, I feel so badly for her. We have been here for 4 months and she doesn't have a good friend yet.

It's ridiculously cold and we are like bears hibernating...when I have all sorts of pressure on me...AGAIN...to perform at work.

I have almost 9,000 miles on my car and I'm expected to come up with all sorts of local copy...

Bottom Line:

Heather needs to feel like she has choices in life. Because of my history of domineering/control freaks...I need to feel like my life is in MY HANDS. When life over takes me with so many pressures, I lose that sense of choice and I begin to spin.

-Choice NUMBER ONE...I took this job when I was in a very desperate situation and needed a chance to move forward...literally with my life. It provided the impetus I needed to get me out of Ohio, away from toxic people and in a place that I absolutely love.

In August of this year, I was broke, unemployed, tutoring a student I'd recently learned was a sexual predator and driving a car with nearly 200,000 miles.

What I've learned: I'm capable. I'm flexible. I'm smart. I'm loyal. I have a lot to offer. If this company can't see it, I will be OK. I'm not writing this opportunity off yet...but, I'm done acting as if it's the only opportunity for me and I'm done feeling as if I'm a slave to this company's strange whims.

And, I'm so sick of having a kid with Asperger's! I love her soooo much...she is so tuned into my every mood and feeling. Ugh. If I feel tense, she asks, "Why are you stressed?"

If I feel overwhelmed and need a moment alone, she says, "Are you sick of me?"

She is sooooo intuitive. Like me. She senses my every mood. In Ohio, it was ok because she had girlfriends who would distract her and give me a time out. Here, it's ALLLLLLL ME. I'm whipped.

[LoisB]

Oh...and, I'm wondering if the perf. editor likes me...I know it sounds weird...but, I don't think this guy has a life. His job IS his life. I clearly prioritize my family into my life. He resents that. He knows I haven't given this job the time it needs to do it well. I admit that. He sees that and it pi$$es him off that I can get things done in half the time he needs. He, painstakingly, goes over every comma...I refuse to do that. If I have to choose between going over a comma 15 times, I will go over it 2 or 3 times and, then, sign off so I can move on to other things.

I'm not throwing in the towel...but, I am getting honest with myself. I don't like how this company so quickly has thrown me under the bus.

What I'm grateful for:

I'm grateful for God bringing us to this part of the country. I love this area and I love the artisans/crafts, beauty, free spirits around us, influence of Fort Drum, history, quaintness, wildlife, etc...I can see myself making a decent life here.

I'm grateful for what I've learned about myself. I'm wayyyyy more capable than I ever thought. :-)

I'm grateful for the women I've met who have shown me what you can accomplish as a single mom, entrepreneur, businesswoman, etc...

I'm grateful for a steady paycheck.

On another note: I'm scared about providing health insurance for myself. I don't have dental. My insurance is expensive and not as good as Smokey's. Ugh.

If I feel like I have choices and I'm in charge of my own destiny, I feel all sorts of energy relating to putting out these newspapers. When I allow myself to get bogged down by the divorce, motherhood, the perf. editor and other dysfunction at this company...I become a child reacting to events instead of an adult choosing to succeed.

[LoisB]

I just peeled my own onion.

At the core?

I'm so tired. I want a break from motherhood and divorce idiocy. I don't have the energy to throw myself, again, into creating an entire newspaper...only to have a meeting waiting for me at the end where I may and probably will be heavily criticized and may even lose my job.

[job]

Heather,
Are you angry after the conversations w/the perfectionist because the things he's pointing out are not correct or are you angry because you didn't catch whatever he's pointing out to you on your own? What is it about him that makes you angry? Is it the way he talks to you or is it something else?

Maybe he's figured out that you can handle one thing at a time and correct that issue and then he points out another one. Maybe he thinks you are juggling entirely too many balls in the air and can only deal w/one issue at a time because of this. Maybe he sees a lot of potential in you and wants you to be the best you can be and to do so, he's pointing out things to you. Heather, humans are strange beings and some people who can tell the hard worker bees from the slackers usually get all of the flack. Not making excuses but there has to be a rhyme to his reason.

When he said he wanted you to work on more local copy...what is he referring to?

So, you hired a young man to help as a correspondent. This is great news. It should work out well and he's fresh off the college path and should do a good job w/fresh ideas, etc.

Do you have a time frame to send your notarized documents to Ohio? If not, do it on your day off. Look up notaries in you area so that you can make an appointment to see one. It's not a biggie like all of the questions you had to do. It shouldn't take you long to have this done.

Your boss isn't going to "reassure" you about your job prior to the meeting. He's going to take into consideration everything that has transpired since your coming on board, listen to what you have in the way of ideas, comments etc. Did you make the list I suggested for the meeting? Make copies of the list so that each member has a copy to refer to as you state your pros and cons. It will give them something to carry away from the meeting.

When are you interviewing the next tutor? Have you given any thought to asking the lady you met if your D12 could join her homeschooling group? Maybe she can suggest a way for your D12 to meet and greet some new friends.

Heather, your life is in your hands. You need to calm down, take a huge breathe and when you break down each of your "vents", they are fixable, one by one. We have suggested before take one thing at a time and when you look at the entire pie, yes...it's a lot, but by cutting out a slice at a time, it can be done and done well.

I've always been a firm believer and not allowing the grass to grow under my feet. Once my foot was in the door of a job, I'd work it for a while and then I'd begin to look for the next position that you give me the next step up on the ladder. If you do not think that this is going to work out for you, start looking now and submitting resumes. Don't wait until you are either handed a pink slip, transferred to a position you don't like or get so frustrated you quit. You do have control over your career, as well as your life.

I can honestly say that being in the workforce is totally different than being at home teaching in a nice quiet environment. Why? Because in the workforce, you will encounter all types of supervisors and not all of them will be on the same page w/you. Whereas, being your own boss makes things easier. It's hard to transition from being your own boss to being an actual employee, i.e., having to take the good w/the bad and sometimes you have to stuff down the stuff they tell you and continue to move forward. Sometimes you have to make lemonade out of the sour lemons that they give you.

[LoisB]

When I took this job, I was very in tune with my vision for myself. I was attracted to the job because I saw so many opportunities I could draw on after having experience as an editor...freelance opportunities, publishing/book opportunities, children's books, web writing, etc...I knew that being an editor would make me much more viable to a whole slew of other things.

I don't work hard enough for this perf. editor. I think that's what it is. He reminds me of so many people in my life who couldn't understand how I am able to focus a tremendous amount of energy and harness it in a smaller amount of time. He is a hamster on a wheel. I work differently. I prefer to throw myself into a project...focus hard...then move on to the next phase or next project.

And, when I'm in good favor with him, he thinks I am on-call 24/7. I don't like that.

Maybe I'm not cut out to be an employee? I will continue, but I will also get honest.

I tend to heavily criticize myself after talking to him because I feel like that little girl who is being told she is lazy or "not working up to her potential."

And, it bothers me because, in part, I'm simply not interested in parts of this job. They want a newshound who will attend umpteen meetings and be in the community.

Truth is...I've done that as a reporter. And, I found a house about 40 minutes from where all the action is...

If I have to be really honest with myself. I don't want to work that hard at the stuff they want me to work hard on. I've done all that...the meetings, the driving forever to here and there...

I have a little girl who has only me as companionship right now. I feel pulled to make sure she is ok.

I need to get back in touch with HOW I want to use this position:

-I want to gain some confidence after being belittled for so long and after being called lazy and slothful for years and years...
-I want to learn some new skills and I have...lots.
-I want to feel good about myself for rising to the occasion.
-I want to do a good job, so I know I can do it.
-I want to learn some self-discipline so I can feel good about myself and be a good example for D12 and D20. I want to learn how to do routine, to some extent.

But, I want to be true to myself and true to my gifts.

When finishing this sentence..."I'm always the one who...did everything, took care of everything, handled things, accepted responsibility for everyone and everything, didn't take time for myself, took the blame for every failure in my marriage, job...I'm always the one who expected wayyy too much from myself and burned myself out trying to be all to everyone."

I'm a quiet, thoughtful person. I need quiet to process information and work at my best.

I'm closer than I've ever been to my vision for myself.

Who knew that a blessing could still be such hard work?

I think I thought that achieving a vision or getting closer to it, meant sitting in a Lazy Boy and watching Netflix. The truth is...the more blessings that come your way, the more God expects of you. The more you walk through the fire, the hotter the Devil makes it.

I feel like I was hidden from my vision for decades...and, in the span of a few months, God turned things around. That doesn't mean I get to rest. I had plenty of time to rest, now it's time to work.

This job isn't it, but it's a stepping stone. The publisher and the perfectionist editor are in my life now to help me create some habits that will pull me forward to whatever God has in store. Somehow, this journey and my background and my miracle and, now, this experience, are all mixed together.

This is the time to perform. To every season.

It's ok if I'm tired. I just need to plan rest into the equation and quit fretting about this editor, but somehow manage to be more of what he is asking. IDK.

[LoisB]

But, I'm really damn tired and D12 NEEDS ME...in a neon sign the size of the HOLLYWOOD Sign at the top of the Whiteface Mountain. She is tune to every feeling, move, word I speak...I am the center of her universe right now and it's freakin exhausting. I feel like I did when she was a toddler. I'm it. She is sucking me dry.

And, I'm frustrated.

I would pay one million dollars to have a day where she is busy and safe and with someone she trusts and making friends her own age and I have an entire day to do as I please without feeling guilty or worried or the pressure I SHOULD be doing something else. Right now, it feels like it's ALL on me and it is.

And, Houston...we have reached the source of Heather's frustration today. She needs a break to recharge...and it's all me. I see a long highway of the same in front of me.


The perf. editor is just being a d-bag like many bosses...I can handle him...but, again, my energies are being sapped by other shid. The only way through is through.

[job]

Heather,
It's not the matter of whether the publisher likes you or not, it's a matter of ensuring that the paper is good to go to print. He is looking at the fact that you are getting things done in half the time, but there are errors in the work. I think he would prefer you to slow down and cut the amount of errors. Heather, I have been right where you are today. I use to get my work done in half the time that others did, but when my supervisor use to call me in and point out the error rate on a legal brief, I knew that I had to slow down, take my time and proofread. Believe it or not, I use to use a ruler to proofread each line. Once I learned to take things slower and not assume that someone else would catch the errors besides myself, I began to hone my skill for proofreading and that particular supervisor was elated that he didn't have to deal w/the fall out with legal briefs that had errors and misplaced commas or semi-colons. So, yes, I do understand the frustration. My advice, slow down, find a quiet place and focus on reading the text one line at a time and not just scan/read the document for content.

Even though there are parts of the job you don't care for, look at it as an opportunity to learn something different, something you may not have even thought of doing if you had been given a choice. The more you learn (yes, even those things you truly don't want to do), the more you'll have to put on your resume. Every job is going to have duties and responsibilities that you don't like.

Now, about the 24/7 calls. When you were interviewed did they tell you that you would be on speed dial 24/7? If they didn't, you will need to address this w/them during the meeting. What are your core hours? If you are to be at work at 8:00, then you should be there. If you work at home, your start and ending time should be the same as a day in the office. On your day off, you are off unless it's an emergency or a need to know.

To be perfectly honest w/you, I think you've been given a golden opportunity and the publishers have been flexible w/you. They've allowed you to work from home and if I recall, you've even gone in late in the morning and have left early in the afternoon. They also gave you Wednesdays off and all of that has been allowed and you are a brand new employee on probation. Not many places would do this for a new employee until they had gotten off probation or had been employed at least 6 months. You've been very lucky that they have been so accommodating w/your employment hours. In turn for being flexible w/your hours, they expect you to come to work and be ready to put your focus on your work and ensure that the paper goes out w/very few or no errors.

This is my personal opinion, but I think the perfectionist knows that you aren't operating at fully capacity and he knows that there is so much more to Heather in the way of knowledge and experience that he's trying to pull that out of you. He's trying to hone your skills even more and even though you don't care for his comments, in his own way, he's trying to help you.

Blessings and golden opportunities do take hard work, i.e., a lot of hard work. If that weren't the case, we all would be in the Garden of Eden sitting around enjoying life doing little or nothing. In order to get where you want to be, there's going to be a lot of hard work and yes, even some work you don't like...but I can promise you, when you get to the finish line and are where you are suppose to be, you'll look back and be thankful for all of the hard knocks that you took along the way. Why? Because you will appreciate each and every struggle and know that you became stronger for them and you'll appreciate what you've accomplished.

Heather, you don't have to change yourself for the editor. You do need to slow down, read the documents carefully and proofread slowly. Use my old trick, i.e., a ruler to help you read one line at a time. It does work.

As for your D12, it's time to figure out some social groups, i.e., girl scouts, dance lessons, homeschooling w/another parent and kids. All of these things may be accomplished after hours or a "sitter" could take her to them. It doesn't necessarily have to be a tutor to take her to dance lessons, the library, etc. Have you looked into sitters and not just tutors? Make a list of things that you want to accomplish on Wednesday such as the notary and sending the documents to Ohio, contacting sitters/tutors for assistance w/your D12, and then carve out a bit of time for yourself.

[job]

Heather,
I'm going to give you one more piece of advice and you can take it or leave it. Do not discuss your issues with your supervisors w/the employees. Employees love drama and gossip and even though they may have had issues w/the same people, you can pretty much bet that they will love to hear about your issues and then probably talk about you and the issues later on. That type of info will work it's way back to the supervisors. It may not happen today, but it will surely circle back around.

If you need someone to talk to come here or phone a friend, but don't share that stuff w/the employees. You've only been there since October and you do not know the lay of the land w/these folks.

[LoisB]

Thank you Job.

I'm going to get a good night's sleep and re-read your posts in the morning.

I'm tired, but I'm going to pick up from where I'm at.