Reposting my last reply from previous thread to make it easier .
Thank you, job, that is exactly my plan. Living life to the fullest. It’s scary to keep my eyes forward, yet exciting at the same time. I’m setting goals for myself, while learning to get comfortable with the uncomfortable feeling of “not knowing” what will happen. Because who of us really knows, anyway?
2B, daring, Ss, uR, thank you for your kind words. I do feel strong. It isn’t as if, “hey, I TOTALLY got this” 100% of the time. I have sad moments. I have frustrating things that happen. I have fleeting feelings of anger when I have to deal with things I don’t want to deal with. Here’s the thing: How is that different than normal life pre-BD?
It’s not. It’s life.
I sometimes think people are seeking an inner Nirvana after picking up the pieces. To me, that’s a bit unrealistic. Just because we get strong, and accept this “new normal”, doesn’t mean the emotional lows cease to hit us. It’s knowing that our core is at peace. And we’re ok.
Bright, it’s no downer at all. I am more than happy to share my process, as we all learn from each other here.
While I can’t speak for anyone else, for me, the v was when a switch went off inside that let me know how big this really was. Knowing my H, and how he has always been one who avoided any needles, doctors, pain of any kind… the fact that he would permanently, physically alter his body…choose to go through THAT much pain and effort to continue to have relations with ow that were not me….was the loudest message I could receive, that he was really gone. And I knew I had to accept that reality in order to truly heal myself.
I agree it was part of his MLC. Absolutely. He would not have done that in his former self. Could I accept it and be with him now? For me, that answer was “no.” Not right now. 5 years from now? I have no idea. Stranger things have happened. But for me, for now, it was no.
Although the timing of my inner-switch coincided with his v, the other GINORMOUS obstacle was the effect this all has had on my kids. I had to hold up that same mirror I did when I D their father…and ask myself, “what am I modeling for them?” I was modeling that I loved my H. That I was willing to give it time. That I had to know I did all I could possibly do before walking away.
MORE than that, I had to consider THEM. What would my R with my kids be like if I were to R with H? Right now? It would create insecurity in them that I cannot allow. No. Friggin’. Way. Not again. Ever. We came too far to ever let it go back. I think it was kml months ago, who reminded me to be careful of the “other shoe dropping” syndrome. My apologies if I credited the wrong person…I’m too lazy to go through all of my threads and verify .
I resisted that. Big time. I didn’t even want to consider that back then. I wasn’t ready to accept it. I’m so grateful now, that those words continued to haunt me.
Strangely…it’s the words we don’t think we want to hear, that stick with us. That uncomfortable feeling is usually where we need to focus.
So, I simply wanted my own pain to stop, ----right flippin’ now. I had that all-too-common feeling of wanting something back that wasn’t serving me well, but it was familiar and dammit I just don’t want to hurt anymore so give me back that thing that was bad.
As far as the time it took me to get here being relatively short? There could be many reasons for that. Perhaps because I had been through a ton of stuff already in my first D. I knew what that detachment felt like. I knew what I was aiming for. The trip always seems a little shorter when you know where you’re going, right?
Also, it could be that we were only together for 6 years.
Or… and here’s what I believe: I truly saw “him”. I saw his struggle. I believe I can see his pain, through all he does. I get him. I can’t explain it. I just do.
I KNEW I had to get out of his head, his heart and his way, so he can do this. I love him in a way I haven’t loved anyone before. It isn’t romantic now. It isn’t friendship now. It is a full-on be free and live your life in peace love. Wanting good things for him, regardless of me. Not just lip-service of the words. I actually got there.
I resisted this because of what I wanted, and what I thought I needed. I let go of that… because it isn’t about me.
I get what you are saying wanting your H to be free to be at peace.
It will allow your growth to continue and you to be at peace.
My H is still here in our home, but I know if he leaves I will be OK, I want him to be happy to smile. I love my H in that way, wanting his happiness with or without me.
I hope your H can "love" you in the same way.
It will be times of sadness for what is gone or lost, but I try to think about what I have learned and how I have grown in this process.
Shining hold on to the fact that you have grown!
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
" So, I simply wanted my own pain to stop, ----right flippin’ now. I had that all-too-common feeling of wanting something back that wasn’t serving me well, but it was familiar and dammit I just don’t want to hurt anymore so give me back that thing that was bad."
^^^^^^ That is one of the most insightful statements that hits home for me. H wasn't treating me well for quite awhile before BD- yet I was devastated. But it was familiar, and long standing, and of course there's that whole commitment thing! But the R was not serving me well- it was hurting me deeply.
Looking at it this way is helpful- I needed to be out of what it had become and so did you. Love your way of being able to capture the deep stuff so well- you are most definitely AWESOME!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Holla at Shining!!! I totally knew. Sending you triple salchow, triple toe loop (I am wearing a feathered scarf today to pay homage to my inner Russian ice dancer). Call me Svetlana!!
Happy you are doing well, my fellow boot aficionado:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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