Is it really to late? Who knows....

[lost18]

Thanks Zues. We are already talking about our vacation this summer. We are from the same hometown and it is a big reunion year there. His sister and her family already bought their tickets and are staying at our place up there. He is also working toward getting his back fixed and once that is taken care of things MAY change.

The problem is that even if you ended everything today...it wouldn't stop the pain. It would go from the pain of limbo, to the pain of a clear loss.

I know you're right. I think it's the limbo that is killing me. I feel like the longer we live in limbo the harder the loss will be if he moves forward with D. I want a chance to heal and move on with my life if that is going to be the final outcome.

You'd need to detach a lot more before this would make sense to me.

I am not detached at all. I know that, I also know that I need more GAL activities to help me detach.

GAL and do stuff for you so you can cope

Need lots of work here, this is what I'm doing for me:

Continue to see IC, take AD meds, vitamins and hormones, meeting with a friend to run at least 2 times a week, adult league started again so I play ball and typically go out with team afterwords. I've been slacking with the house a little and need to get some materials to continue making some things I was making. Also, I've been talking about a photography course I wanted to take, the next one starts Feb 17th. This is going to be my Bday present to myself.

I need to do more, I know, there are some things I have been wanting to do for a while but $$ and not having anybody to do it with is holding me back. Some I can do alone, others I would prefer not to.

I know I need to focus on me, but it is so frustrating when I think about this other woman. I don't understand what either of them is getting from a long distance relationship over text and internet. Obviously I have no idea what her life is like or what he is telling her, but I think there comes a time when you want a "real" relationship, somebody to do things with and the physical touch that comes with it. I see my H everyday and I miss the physical part big time.

[lost18]

So yesterday I worked and then met my friend to run. When I got home the kitchen was exactly the same as it was when I left, dirty dishes in the sink, counters not cleaned. I was irritated. I cleaned it up a little and cooked dinner. Irritated the whole time because H and D16 (D13 was sick) do nothing to help.

We sit down to dinner and I say S19 is coming home next weekend. D13 has an overnight tournament which H already said he wasn't going to. H comments about me not being here and S19 having a party, D16 says she'll be here. I say something to H about him being here or where is he going to be and he comments "I'll be floating around." Then says that he is going to visit his "army buddy" who lives about 7 hours away because he's having a hard time. I asked why he doesn't go this weekend, he said "army buddy" is going to TX this weekend. What a bunch of BS. The way he handled he situation leads me to believe he is lying. Later I went out and suggested he go the weekend after he was planning so I don't have to stress about S19 having a party while I'm gone.

So now what, I don't know if I can live with this. I love my husband, and I want my M to work, but I at some point need to be able to live my life fully, and if he is going off to spend Valentines weekend (a year ago he did the same thing after telling me he wanted a D) with someone where does that leave our M? I know DB is for me, to make me a better, happier person and I'm working on that....but not sure these positives I see in our R are really positives toward fixing the M.

Any suggestions on how to handle this?

[MrBond]

"but not sure these positives I see in our R are really positives toward fixing the M."

Like what?

[lost18]

What positives?

Mostly the fact that he has been opening up to me about his life overseas and how feels about wanting to go back. He hadn't shared much of that with me the whole 6 years he was there. Sharing his feelings a little more. Also, sharing his excitement about his project. Asking me to watch movies and tv. We just started watching the final season of Justified together and he's waiting for me to catch up with another series so we can watch the new season. I guess maybe it doesn't seem like too much but considering where we've been I thought we were moving in a positive direction.

[lost18]

Also talked to my sister today, she said that I look at all of his actions from a (can't remember exactly what she said) suspicious standpoint. That I'm looking for either validation or proof and look at everything with the mindset that there is an OW. When I told her what happened yesterday (about my assumption that he is lying about going to visit his friend) she had a different pov. That either he really was going to see his friend, or he was just saying that to be in control of the situation. Not that she doesn't think it's possible that he is going to meet an OW, just that there are other possibilities.

So, for now I'm not doing anything about the possible trip, that may change next week depending on what actually happens.

I have made the choice to fight for my marriage and I can choose to end the limbo whenever I'm ready, I'm just not ready quite yet.

[mahhhty]

Mostly the fact that he has been opening up to me about his life overseas and how feels about wanting to go back. He hadn't shared much of that with me the whole 6 years he was there. Sharing his feelings a little more. Also, sharing his excitement about his project. Asking me to watch movies and tv. We just started watching the final season of Justified together and he's waiting for me to catch up with another series so we can watch the new season.

I think these are all positives. Any step in the right direction is just that... a step in the right direction. I think you need to build on those.

I also agree with your sister. IMHO... You need to accept that both the best and worse case scenarios are possible. He could be meeting his friend, or he could be meeting OW. Both are possible. But that doesn't mean you should be looking for ways to validate him meeting the OW and not the friend.

As for him wanting to go back. I read somewhere how most M and W are wired. M seek independence. Think Marlboro Man. They want experiences and are looking to prove themselves out in the world. W seek intimacy. Closeness. Partnership.

I think I suffer from this as well. When I was kayaking a lot. It was always about the next trip. Where am I going, what am I doing. It wasn't that I didn't love my W or kids. It was a predisposition of mine. I talked to the IC once about a professional kayaker. The Pro identified his life priorities as: #1 = Wife, #2 = Kids, #3 = Fun, #4 = his business. I told my IC that I wanted those kind of priorities and I want my STBX to have similar priorities, where I am ahead of the kids. He said thats idealistic. As a man, I can't nearly comprehend a W's connection to her children, that are made within her. Her connection to them is a predisposition of her, and probably not a reflection of how much she loves or doesn't love me.

I think a 180 for you could be to try to understand and validate his predisposition to those urges. I think he expected you to act that way (that is how I came to expect my W to act), and by acting that way you validated the expectation. Next time he may not bring that kind of deep feeling to you. Remember his statement doesn't mean he doesn't care for or love his family, it is just how he feels.

That piece really spoke to me, as someone who has felt that way, I spent a lot of time on that, I hope it has some value to you.

One foot in front of the other!

[lost18]

Thanks M~I will reread and respond to that later. Right now I'm looking for advice on this little bomb H dropped. He got a job offer in the Middle East.

We were sitting at the dinner table, both girls were away from the table for a minute and he gave me this news. That's all that was said, didn't discuss anything further because D16 sat down.

Obviously he is thinking about it, although his back and workers comp claim is definitely an issue. I'm not sure if I should bring it up again or wait for him to say something. Also, how do I validate and show support for this???

I don't support it at all, however I know that it's not my decision to make, especially considering the status of our R! How do I DB this?!?!?!?

[mahhhty]

I think you need more information. How long will he be gone? How often will he come back? Does he want to go? If so, why?

Maybe try to deal with this in sections, taking breaks in between to think.

Why do you not want him to go?

[mahhhty]

Lost - How are you doing?

[lost18]

Thanks for checking on me. I'm ok, Have lots to say but really don't feel like it at the moment. Iraq probably won't happen and I don't think he's very happy about it. I think he was frustrated and pulled the trigger on something that he can't undo (work related) and it will affect his future employment.

At this point I just don't see him ever being open to working on our M. I just don't know what he is thinking about how this is going to work, I need more and don't know how long I can do this. Glad I have an IC appt on Monday, I don't know that she's giving me solutions but at least it's a place to vent and get another POV.

I'll check back later and try to give more information.