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lost18 Offline OP
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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...415#Post2529415

Wasn't quite ready to start a new thread but my old thread ^^^ locked.

I'm still feeling extremely confused and find myself having thoughts don't have any place in my life right now.

I feel I have made a lot of progress but not enough at the same time. I'm kind of stuck in the "what should I be doing" mode. What I'm doing seems to be working as far as how we're getting along but not sure about anything else. Yesterday he was really excited and wanted to show me the new parts he got for the jeep and today he asked how much money he owed me for the table I picked up for him.

On a positive note my friend and I are really starting to work back into a running distance that we used to run without a problem. Trying to let go of all my regrets in life (not just in my relationship) and quitting running and working out is high on the list of regrets.

Couple of quotes need to embed into my head along with the serenity prayer I say probably 20 times a day!

"The past is like an anchor holding us back. You have to let go of who you are to become who you will be."

"You can't tell what tomorrow will bring and you can't change the past. So just live today."

"The past is exactly that the past. You can't change it so why sit there and dwell on it like you can? You gotta move on. Work on the future you...."


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Nov 2014
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New thread. New you.

You've felt in limbo for awhile. Maybe its time for another look at the complete picture. What are your goals? What are your 180s? How do they align? What techniques can you do to meet those goals?

If you've read DB and DR, perhaps check out... The Solo Partner or I love you but I'm not in love with you. Both are pretty good and have sections on usable technique. Solo Partner even has worksheets.

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lost18 Offline OP
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You are absolutely right M! It's time to reread DR again at least the parts I need like the goal-setting.

I read so many posts on here especially the responses from vets like 25 and Sandi. 25 posts over and over about GAL and overcoming inertia as the key to detachment. I really, really am having a hard time with detachment because he is living at home and we do spend so much time together...of course that is a positive.

H and I watched a movie again tonight, he asked. smile

D13 has a tournament this weekend so we will spend lots of time together. He used to hate going to sporting events, partly because he didn't like how involved I got and some of the complaining I did about coaches choices and what not. I don't think I'm quite as 'bad' as I used to be (different circumstances with my S) but I will def be aware of my actions and 180 the heck out them.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
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Hi, lost. I don't know what to add but wanted to check in and cheer you on. smile


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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lost18 Offline OP
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Thanks for stopping by!

Not much to report on the R front, not sure if I did too much of a 180 at the tournament. I probably did compared to 8 years ago but can't see it right now. H decided not to go today because of his back. I have to say it's a little frustrating that I come home after being gone either working or something like this and he hasn't even done the dishes. Nothing I can't get over and of course I STFU about it.

He went to the store and asked if I needed anything, when he came home I asked if he got anything for dinner (I didn't ask him to) and he said he thought we'd just order pizza. Then we watched a movie. He didn't ask me to watch it with him but asked if I'd seen it which I had. Such a strange life we are living.

On another note, my brother called and my Mom is in the hospital. He was pretty incoherent when he called, guess it was a bad scene, he's better now. The thought is she had a stroke and possibly some seizures but aren't sure right now. I knew this day would come (she's hasn't been in great health for a while now) but of course am feeling pretty guilty. I haven't talked to her since August when we went to S19's boot camp graduation. Without getting into all the details she is a very negative, passive aggressive person who likes to play the victim. I would have called her for Christmas and such but she hasn't had a phone or internet for a few months. H doesn't care for her, with pretty good reason, but he did ask what was going on and what I was planning on doing. We live in different states so I guess I'll just wait and see what the Doc says. Just add a little more stress to my life....


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
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I'm really sorry about your mom. Hope she's ok and that you are too.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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lost18 Offline OP
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Thanks Maybell, not exactly sure what is going on with my mom. Called my sister earlier, they were still waiting to see the Dr. who walked in while we were on the phone. They have not updated me yet.

Went to my IC today. I went in with the thought that although I'm not ready quite yet a conversation with H is probably in my near future. Just not sure how much longer I'm willing to live in limbo.

Told IC what is going on with us. Our movies, going out and his sharing things with me. She said I have been very disciplined and I need to continue to be patient. She also continues to tell me that I need to keep planting seeds. We talked about the crappy little room he's sleeping in and she suggested that I let him know he's welcome back in our room. Not to ask him but just plant the seed. I know that goes against DB and not quite sure how I feel about that yet.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
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lost18 Offline OP
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Wow, interesting night tonight. Girls were out at bball game so H and I were alone. I just seriously don't know if he will ever be willing to make this marriage work. It makes me extremely sad, I see so much potential for us, in spite of all that has/is happening.

He was in the garage and I heard him start the Harley, I love the Harley....I went out there. We started talking about different stuff, his back mostly which lead to a conversation about him missing being in the middle east and the excitement and adventure that came with it. I got upset and started crying, he of course hates it when I cry and asked what I was crying about. I took a break and went inside for a few minutes and then went back outside and told him I was crying because it makes me sad that he would rather be over there than with his kids and family (prob shouldn't have said that) and that it makes me sad that he has shared more about his feelings and experiences being there in the last month than he did the entire 6 years he was there.

He said that being over there he realized that he can live very meagerly, doesn't need all "this stuff." I commented that the reason he went over there is so we could have all this stuff and now he realizes he doesn't need it. There was more to the conversation than that but no R talk.

I guess sleeping in that "crappy little room" probably doesn't bother him.

We watched a movie together and when it was over he went to bed without saying good night (very common).

I feel like we are connecting on many levels but wonder if maybe I should just back off. I'm still completely lost...

I never realized how many different levels of loneliness a person could feel.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 543
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lost18 Offline OP
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Help! I'm trying to be patient but feel like I'm giving too much of myself. Do I stop doing anything for him? That doesn't feel right to me, but at the same time am I making it too easy for him?

Admittedly I'm a little frustrated because I feel like the texting has started or the hiding of it has stopped again (can't prove it and trying to "act as if" he's not texting OP). Didn't do a very good job hiding my irritation about that today, although not sure he even noticed.

We spent most of the weekend together at D13's tournament. He had already asked if I could go to his Dr appt with him today because they suggested he have somebody to drive him home afterwards. We are spending so much time together "as a family" and he is even opening up to me about stuff but yet we are still in this same place in our M.

I'm just not sure what to do, my mind is saying I need to tell him I can't continue to live like this anymore but am not ready for what he might say and my heart is telling me to keep holding on. On one hand I see many positives in our interactions, on the other nothing has changed.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
Joined: Jun 2014
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Vent to us and hold tight.

My advice would be to mark a day on the calendar like 3 months to a year out and just hold on until then. If you feel consistently like this for that entire stretch then review.

The problem is that even if you ended everything today...it wouldn't stop the pain. It would go from the pain of limbo, to the pain of a clear loss.

You'd need to detach a lot more before this would make sense to me.

BUT- I totally can understand why you'd feel like forcing the issue!

GAL and do stuff for you so you can cope smile


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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