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T384 #2531341 01/27/15 03:17 AM
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T,

IMO, you're going back to DB101. And you know that's mostly for YOU and your own PMA. Whether your H falls in line is up to him.

Your H's depression is his to fix. Your own sadness is YOURS to fix.

You have no reason to live in fear. You're a fantastic mom. You have a great job. You have a supportive family. You are financially independent. You have a hard-earned emotional toolbox. You are a catch, baby. And don't allow ANYONE to make you feel otherwise.

You want to save your M, but you have to save yourself first.

I've seen this firsthand in your situation: When you're feeling good and positive and like your authentic self, you're able to brush things off. You shine.

When you're trying to be something different, it appears you allow yourself to become suffocated. And then it seems you start trying to control every, little detail of your life, which is clearly entangled with H's life. And finances become a HUGE factor. And that's when things start really unraveling with H.

What are you afraid of, sweetie? Dig deep, and let's get to the bottom of what's going on.

Are you okay with the idea of being a single mom?


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Train #2531344 01/27/15 03:25 AM
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Heart - 100 % agree with everything you said. I feel pretty similar. I even told my mom I'm letting go of my anger from the past so it doesn't cloud my current decisions. It's going on the back burner.

Train - you're right. Right now I'm not confident bc I'm afraid to lose H. So I'm clinging at anything I can. I'm suffocating my marriage more. Then I start reacting to anything I can.

I've gotten better since the last week. I haven't brought up any finances or anything and am just letting it be. I don't want to stick my nose in his finances so if something goes wrong I cant be to blame.


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
T384 #2531347 01/27/15 03:30 AM
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T,

That word - fear - should scare you more than the thought of losing your H. It is the absolute worst thing to motivate you, one way or another, right now.

Drop it.

Understand you will be okay - better than okay - no matter what.

No fear.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Train #2531348 01/27/15 03:35 AM
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I'm working on it. I promise.

I know I need to get through this stage and back to me being confident and happy with or without H. Right now he knows he hAs me, at least that's what I think. He can act how he wants and get away with it because I'm still here.

Once I can get back to that person I was I really believe the tables will turn just like they did before


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
T384 #2531361 01/27/15 04:56 AM
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DB101, honey.

The tables can be turned. But you know that re-attraction isn't enough to sustain a M. You and I both have learned that the hard way.

It takes both partners being willing to work - and work HARD - to "piece" and eventually reconcile. Yes, it only takes ONE to influence the other, but that's not always fool-proof and it's certainly not sustainable.

Dig deep. Make YOU happy.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Train #2531428 01/27/15 02:01 PM
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I am happy in all aspects of my life EXCEPT my M.

But my unhappiness comes from his behavior and that's something he has to decide if he wants to change and to stay M.

Do I think he will work hard to piece and truly reconcile? I don't know. Right now I think he can do whatever he wants and I'll still be standing.

I'm going to continue to go to C to work on the stuff I can about me to make me a better person. I will make what changes I need to make for a better M too. The rest is up to H. I can only hope he pulls his head out of his you know what before he makes another emotional decision.

I know I will be fine without him. I did it before but I don't want to. We don't always get what we want but if it can be avoided that's what I'm trying for. However he needs to throw in a little bit of effort.

I'm re-reading DR today while my youngest is at preschool this morning.


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
T384 #2531533 01/27/15 06:54 PM
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So now I am contemplating not attending MC Thursday. H said he would be going. I really don't have any interest in going right now. After last nights conversation... I have decided I deserve more. I'm here trying to make a change and he's just shut out to me right now. MC is pretty pointless IMO with someone that isn't interested and says most days he wants a divorce and then a few minutes later that he doesn't know what he wants he's taking his life day by day with his job his first priority.

Missing it may be the wrong decision. So any thoughts are appreciated.

Last edited by T0324; 01/27/15 06:54 PM.

M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
T384 #2531562 01/27/15 07:41 PM
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What do YOU want, and what do you hope for for yourself? What makes you want to not be divorced?


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Because I know that somewhere the man that came back and was here for a couple months was the man I married. The man he is now is not someone I want.

I love that H. That's not who he is right now and me trying seems pretty wasteful and is probably pushing him away further.


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
T384 #2531601 01/27/15 09:14 PM
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Oh boy you sound like me. I was holding on to glimmers of the man I married. I didn't want the other man either.

The problem is which one is he really? Sometimes someone is great at the beginning of a relationship but that's not really who they are. They can pull it off for a while but in time their true self appears. Then we hold on for the occasion appearance of the man we thought they were. The problem is by the time there are a few red flags raised we are already deeply attached emotionally so we keep trying. If they showed their true self right of the bat we would have gone running for the hills.

My ex when we first met was so sweet and engaging. He was very affectionate, generous, spent time planning dates, pouring me good wine ect. As time went on and years passed he became less and less engaged, I complained wanting the old him back. After all I kept my end. I was still taking care of myself, dressing to attract available for him. Instead of pouring me wine he put the good bottles out of my reach and left the cheaper bottles lower down. He made excuses all the time. I kept waiting.

What I learned is this is his true self. He repeats this pattern with everyone. He jumps in with both feet. Sweeps you off your feet. Once he knows your hooked. He's not as interested.

When we met he was fighting for custody of his D. This went on for 8 yrs. he was always so good when we had her. He promised her a great family life once she moved in. When we did get her full time all of a sudden he was always too busy working and it was me providing most of the care. I was thinking WTF.

Then when he met his AF ( a yr after D was with us fulltime) he jumped in agin with both feet. Imploded our M and moved her into our house. Then after a few months the AF was complaining too about him no longer having time for her. She moved out and now there is yet a new GF. Again jumping in with both feet. Leaving my poor SD home alone to go on dates. Telling her he is has a life. Allowing her to witness another woman leaving his bed.

I have decided for me enough is enough. I'm done with him. It's been 2.5 yrs since we split. They only way I would every reconsider is if he went for intense personal therapy and came to with what he has learned. I know that's not going to happen.

Didn't mean to hijack. I could so relate to what you were saying and thought sharing would be helpful : )


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
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