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And after asking a few times already wink -->
How did you guys hold it with your spouses family? Did you go dark on them when your spouse went 'dark' on you and let WAS handle everything by herself?
If she tells them, and I think she will soon, they (at least some of them) are going to approach me.
I'm planning on defending the situation and not make my W look bad. I want to stick with my DB plan. The family involvement definitely has potential to blow up, some of them will go viral.

Mozza your tip teally helped me today about how to control my feelings, fears and emotions. I think I actually do have them under control a lot when W is around. Then I let myself go when she's not.

I'm only 8 days in that I finally realized what's going on. I was very delusional for a long time. Don't know how much mourning time I can/should give myself. I'm trying to get my life back already.
My mentor told me a story today: one of his friends had a similar story than mine. He met his wife on a plane, love at first sight, they kissed on the plane right away, married for 4 years, she left him for someone else and he was completely crushed for over 2 years, he said you could barely talk to him. Until the day he put the pictures of his wife off the wall...after 2 years. 3 months later he found a new woman and got happier than he ever was.


Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


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I'm glad if the tip helped you a little.

I didn't do any announcement or contact with my WAW's family. She contacted her parents to announce the S the minute we had an agreement to S (took a week from the start of the conversation, so the "secret" didn't last long). I've never met the rest of her family because they're scattered in two countries other than where her parents live, so my situation is different from yours. Since you asked a few times, I thought I'd tell you anyway.

In general, the rule is that each side handles his own family. You can find a formula to deflect questions. Also, it's not like people ask you: "So, are you going to S?" randomly. If you're asked "How are you?", it's not an excuse to open up about your sitch. Deflect the subject, talk about work, college courses or whatnot.

Also, I don't want to disappoint you, but your R with her family is not likely to endure the S. I'm telling you this in a generic sense, not about your particular R. Look around you at people who are S or D, do they really maintain a R with their ex-in-laws? Not really. Usually, there's some inertia that makes it last a few months or even a year, but over time, the person moves on and the family follows.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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Originally Posted By: Complex

How did you guys hold it with your spouses family? Did you go dark on them when your spouse went 'dark' on you and let WAS handle everything by herself?
If she tells them, and I think she will soon, they (at least some of them) are going to approach me.
I'm planning on defending the situation and not make my W look bad. I want to stick with my DB plan. The family involvement definitely has potential to blow up, some of them will go viral.


If your wife handles discussing the situation with her family by herself, she will undoubtedly lie to them. Well, actually, she will more likely sugarcoat it and lie by ommission.. She won't discuss OM and his involvement at all, rather, she merely tell them X, Y and Z about your relationship as the reason(s) you two are splitting up.

She has every intention of introducing her new soulmate OM to her family AFTER she has established that your marriage is over (and thus she is free to start dating).

If they approach you, your best bet is to tell the truth.


The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
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Thank you Georgia.
That's exactly my fear, and her friend will support those actions, I read suggestions similar when I found out. But it still is an assumption, let's not forget that.
But I want to get prepared for the scenario. There will be talk, the family is just too supportive to not want to dig a little deeper before a D is finalized. She might even threaten me to not talk about OM with her F. But that's another assumption...the truth always lies somewhere in between.

I'll br treating any situation with the UTMOST OF RESPECT and love to everyone either way. That's the most important thing I think. But I don't wanna get caught off guard and be prepared and ahead of the game.


Last edited by Complex; 01/23/15 06:37 PM.

Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


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Truth without love can be harsh, judgmental, and dogmatic.

Love without truth is blind sentimentality.

But truth in love is compassionate concern.


If you love your wife, you'll talk to her family merely because they should know the adulterous path your wife has chosen and that this guy that your wife intends to bring around sometime in the future is a viper. Affairs are destructive. Whether you save your marriage or not, your wife is in a soul crushing and destroying relationship right now that someone needs to save her from. Who better than her loving husband??? If her parents are God fearing Christians they just might try to save her and help you in the process. They may not. Either way...YOU were honest with them.

All I'm saying is don't lie to protect her. If asked...speak the truth.

Consider this ~~~~> It's also not SELF-RESPECTFUL to lie to your in-laws.

Don't lose yourself in these circumstances trying to look out for your wife or think that if you protect her she's more likely to come back to you. You are NOT a liar....so don't lie for her. Lying is what way wards do and it doesn't help your situation.


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Originally Posted By: Complex
Thank you Georgia.
That's exactly my fear, and her friend will support those actions, I read suggestions similar when I found out. But it still is an assumption, let's not forget that.
But I want to get prepared for the scenario. There will be talk, the family is just too supportive to not want to dig a little deeper before a D is finalized. She might even threaten me to not talk about OM with her F. But that's another assumption...the truth always lies somewhere in between.

I'll br treating any situation with the UTMOST OF RESPECT and love to everyone either way. That's the most important thing I think. But I don't wanna get caught off guard and be prepared and ahead of the game.



Depending on the types of friends they might be the absolute ones pushing it and covering it up for as they want her on a cheating path...

Know the people she is talking to.

I still believe you will clear it with the family before she gets to lie on you. Just clear it let them know you are having problems because she is seeking outside affections, and you have done your best but you are going to let her go on her way.

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W's mom is coming next week. I will 'cover up' for S of course. Put the sheets out of the guestroom and pretend. Better than exposing anything I suppose. I'll play along, I did for a while already.
How did you handle this? Did you just cover up the S?
Did some R soul-searching yesterday, by that I mean I tried to dig deeper what I actually did wrong and why W and our M went that path so I can act accordingly... My heart was actually closed too through the pain frown it was a selfish love of mine.
I get a clear picture of reconciliation scenarios, and they are far far away. But it's fine. I feel better moving on. There's absolutely nothing that would change anything so soon.


Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


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Complex, you are young and haven't known your W's family that long. Georgia is probably right, you won't have a long relationship with your W's family.

But you never know. Every family is different.

I told my MIL and SIL of my W's A, but months after it started and when I was in a particularly stressful situation. They already knew something was up because W had stopped talking to them - she had restricted her friend base down to those who would support her. I have their support - both my SIL's still contact me, they know W is messed up, they don't believe 80% of what W tells them, and they hope I'll still be around when the crash comes, but they'll understand if I'm not. But I also know not to put them in a bind; as much as they do not like W's actions, they are family. And they are aware that we are all powerless over W's actions.

I guess one way to put it is that we are all pulling for my W to get herself together and start making better decisions - we're all on that same team, so nobody feels they have to "take sides". That comes from knowing them for nearly 20 years.

I'll say this. Don't worry about your in-laws. Your W is going to paint the picture the way she wants to, and your in-laws are going to see what they want to. You can't control any of it. Guiding principle - speak only nicely of your W. Fake it until it comes naturally, and it will.

Meanwhile, work on you, without worrying about what family, friends or the rest of town will think about any of it. Frankly, none of them probably care nearly as much as you think they might.

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Ya I agree on everything. No way I'll talk 'bad' about my W.
And actually after doing more soul searching she hasn't even done that much wrong, sounds crazy. I forgive her already.

Some of the things in our marriage weren't meant to be. We both didn't put enough effort in. Love got lost and then she was wide open for temptation while I didn't take this thing serious enough.I mean it's adultery, she sinned, ya, but giving the circumstances...we are humans after all and I HAVE to forgive. Of course it was disrespectful and its just horrible, but I'm more SAD than mad. How everything came down it's so terribly sad that it came that far. But it was inevitable.

God hates divorce, but I also don't want to save my M bc it's M, I want it to be real and do what I promised, even if I fail.
Then at least I can move on in peace with myself....and I think my W knows all of this too. She is a good human being..but it's become a very stressful situation for us.
Again thank you all for your support here. I'll keep blogging and bother you with my emotional ups and downs smile

Last edited by Complex; 01/24/15 02:04 AM.

Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


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Originally Posted By: Complex
Ya I agree on everything. No way I'll talk 'bad' about my W.

They are related to HER, not you. Blood is thicker than water. They will choose her IF YOU FORCE them to choose. So don't force it.

I'm still very close to my older x SIL, whom my brother idiotically divorced years ago. So yes, It can happen.

In contrast, My younger x SIL --she is not close to any of us, b/c she insisted on bad mouthing my brother every time I went to visit the kids when she had them.

She did this in ways they were sure to overhear but besides that, what was I to do with those comments? Agree??? "Chat with my brother" and then what, convince him to return to her spewing venom?

She told me she "hates" my brothers's guts. So, not a lot I could do with that...

Eventually I had to just wait til I saw the kids with my brother, for I feared she would bad mouth him again, to me --IN FRONT OF the kids!

IT does not do you any good to bad mouth her even if you think it's "Truth"

b/c in HER mind, the truth is you failed her for some time.
..before the affair.

I'd bet that is what she believes. Might be factually true too. Just Be above that.



And actually after doing more soul searching she hasn't even done that much wrong, sounds crazy. I forgive her already.


like you said, forgiving yourself may be your real challenge.


Some of the things in our marriage weren't meant to be. We both didn't put enough effort in. Love got lost and then she was wide open for temptation while I didn't take this thing serious enough.


I mean it's adultery, she sinned, ya, but giving the circumstances...we are humans after all and I HAVE to forgive. Of course it was disrespectful and its just horrible, but I'm more SAD than mad. How everything came down it's so terribly sad that it came that far. But it was inevitable.


how does this^^ help you or your PMA now, at all?

Stop spinning in circles with it and move forward, please. - Or you'll keep cycling

-. She is a good human being..but it's become a very stressful situation for us.
Again thank you all for your support here. I'll keep blogging and bother you with my emotional ups and downs smile



Stay the course, take your DB coach's advice . Don't assume you will lose her whole family.

You don't have to. You can maintain contact with them regardless of what she says or does. Make an effort in that vein without discussing her or the m, and it might very well happen.



M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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