Strong EA after 2yrs M - trying to detach. #3

[Complex]

It was the night of throwbacks and discussions.

To a certain extend I regret it. I have to start DBing from scratch. On the other hand it helped me to finally fully open my eyes.
I needed that again. To get the insight of my W's behaviour and thinking.
I think this will help me greatly to detach, and in the end this night didn't change a thing of what she is thinking. I can truly detach now in peace and let everything take its course. Because that course was determined.
Only downside is she seems to really wanting to rush into D now. But I know what I'm facing now. I wanted to get out of the limbo...and I made it out fast.
It hurts, but I'm ok with it. She isn't going to learn her lesson anytime soon and all DB efforts I've done seemed completely unnoticed, although it was only a few weeks.

Tonight I gave it all my heart. Like I did many times before, but it was different, with all that I've learned about myself and her.
It might not have been straight DB technique, but I was myself. A better myself. Unnoticed by W, but what does it matter. I'm proud of who I am! And I won't let anyone destroy that.

The last part of conversation, that actually started well, was this, and it sealed the deal: (talking about the word divorce and it's stigma)
W "we should not give a fk about society because it's our own life"
Me "that's what they all say..the devil speaking"
W "no, it's called not to allow other ppl to make you feel like [censored] about yourself"
Me "the only person that makes you feel like [censored] is yourself"
W "stop worrying about the word divorce then, it's just a word"
Me "ya, like marriage is just a word.........goodnight"


And that was that.

[DaddyLongShanks]

It was the night of throwbacks and discussions.

To a certain extend I regret it. I have to start DBing from scratch. On the other hand it helped me to finally fully open my eyes.
I needed that again. To get the insight of my W's behaviour and thinking.
I think this will help me greatly to detach, and in the end this night didn't change a thing of what she is thinking. I can truly detach now in peace and let everything take its course. Because that course was determined.
Only downside is she seems to really wanting to rush into D now. But I know what I'm facing now. I wanted to get out of the limbo...and I made it out fast.
It hurts, but I'm ok with it. She isn't going to learn her lesson anytime soon and all DB efforts I've done seemed completely unnoticed, although it was only a few weeks.

That's why you have to do it for you. Key is you may never get them back, hell with enough self respect you won't even want them back. Do things that you enjoy to do.

Tonight I gave it all my heart. Like I did many times before, but it was different, with all that I've learned about myself and her.
It might not have been straight DB technique, but I was myself. A better myself. Unnoticed by W, but what does it matter. I'm proud of who I am! And I won't let anyone destroy that.

Right. That's why I tell folk, if you been cheated on it's not necessarily you had to be a "better" person, the WAS should have been a "better" person to not cheat.

However, it is a great time to do some things you have always wanted to do or concentrate on things that you had let go in the past. The reason you do it is because the WAS is not currently worth much of your time.

The last part of conversation, that actually started well, was this, and it sealed the deal: (talking about the word divorce and it's stigma)
W "we should not give a fk about society because it's our own life"
Me "that's what they all say..the devil speaking"
W "no, it's called not to allow other ppl to make you feel like [censored] about yourself"
Me "the only person that makes you feel like [censored] is yourself"
W "stop worrying about the word divorce then, it's just a word"
Me "ya, like marriage is just a word.........goodnight"


And that was that.

She's obviously trying to shuck her responsibility. They will find ways to validate themselves and nothing you can do about it. It's why you can't really talk about it with them or plead your case.

[Complex]

And again this becomes a technical questions to which it's hard to find an answer:
How do I postpone fast D filing decisions? She is ready to go.
She wants to get out of here asap, to be 'happy' again. Also to have a chance with OM (assumption), and because she thinks I'm suffering, so the faster I get over it the better (plus so that I'll be 'forced' to stand on my own feet)

a & b I can't change. But I can show her I'm fine, by continuing to GAL and detach even more and work hard so I can be independent.

Guess I should see an attorney. But if the D starts rolling I hope she will warm up a bit so we can work together on how to deal with things. Teaming up, healing our relationship, no matter of the outcome. Financially it makes a huge amount of sense to push for legal separation.

It's so awful to see her so determined, so stressed about the situation, me, herself. How she's validating every little thing for herself. That's how we always fought..so stubborn. It's like she WANTS this to be bad, so it's validating D. She doesn't want friendship or anything, bc it would make it harder. It's all subconscious.

I somehow agree what she says, we need to be apart. She needs to fall deep to realize what she's doing, there's no other way. I'll pray for her now every single day.

[DaddyLongShanks]

Like everyone here said a long time ago, she wants to play by her rules now.

I wonder...maybe I should've completely avoided this situation. But it was just a question of time. She is very heated and her opinion about me didn't change. Amd I got back to old habits. I wasn't as bad anymore, really tried to control myself. She's such an offensive fighter.

I don't see this going anywhere else than divorce. Now she just wants to make this happen...I gotta see how she will be tomorrow.

Any tips? Did I screw this up or was this just a question of time?

Play by your rules, 100% about you, self-preservation. You have to remember that at every step of the way. She's the one who got into someone else's car...

[sandi2]

My situation is unique but I should stand up for my believes like a man. ...love isn't easy. Marriage isn't either. I'm sure there's people in here that WAS is going much crazier than mine. But at least most of them are leaving moving in with OM/OW and separate for real. This limbo thing is killing me.

As much as I want to tell her that I don't think the timing is right, nor will she understand. I need to be more patient, although the limbo is wearing very hard on me.

Your M has NOT been in limbo!!

The inevitable just happened.

Do you know why? It is the same reason you refer to it as the "inevitable".

My W started an argument. I stayed as calm as possible but I told her I do not respect what she's doing and neither do I that she's lying. She got very very offended. In the heat she seemed to throw everything at me.

Did you expect something different?

Now she wants to talk about the living situation and finances and everything.
I told her I'm not going to talk about this right now. She keeps pushing and pushing. It's very hard.
I urged her to please sleep over it and we discuss everything after we had a nights rest.

Again, did you expect something different?

It hurts, but I'm ok with it. She isn't going to learn her lesson anytime soon and all DB efforts I've done seemed completely unnoticed, although it was only a few weeks.

So, you are waiting for her to learn her lesson? And is it you belief she will want to reconcile when she learns her lesson?

What is your next step?

The last part of conversation, that actually started well, was this, and it sealed the deal: (talking about the word divorce and it's stigma)
W "we should not give a fk about society because it's our own life"
Me "that's what they all say..the devil speaking"
W "no, it's called not to allow other ppl to make you feel like [censored] about yourself"
Me "the only person that makes you feel like [censored] is yourself"
W "stop worrying about the word divorce then, it's just a word"
Me "ya, like marriage is just a word.........goodnight"

Oh yeah, you really showed her something, alright. I bet she will be up half the night thinking about that one!

[Complex]

Sandi,
I did not fully understand what you wanna tell me
Well I don't expect reconciliation when she realizes things. It won't change a thing unless her feelings for me came back. That's the only thing that would matter in a reconciliation.
The next steps, take care of myself. This is the ONE AND ONLY solution to all my issues. I need to emotionally mature. I think that is my problem. I read an extremely good article about it. I'm not an emotional mature person.
My W thinks that, I believe it. And I gotta become a complete person, love and forgive myself.
Big part of why our M broke apart, you can't have a fulfilling R if you are not in peace with yourself.

Wish I could post the link to the article here, it fits into many many WAS cases here!!

[susana4]

Well I don't expect reconciliation when she realizes things. It won't change a thing unless her feelings for me came back. That's the only thing that would matter in a reconciliation.

I'm certainly not an expert in reconciliation being a newbie around here too, but having read some piecing stories, it sounds to me like the feelings don't just come back overnight, it's something you have to work at and is a big challenge (just preparing you in case you get to that point, I don't think you can just expect her feelings to come back right away).

The next steps, take care of myself. This is the ONE AND ONLY solution to all my issues. I need to emotionally mature. I think that is my problem. I read an extremely good article about it. I'm not an emotional mature person.
My W thinks that, I believe it. And I gotta become a complete person, love and forgive myself.
Big part of why our M broke apart, you can't have a fulfilling R if you are not in peace with yourself.

So true!! That's what I'm working on too. What are your plans for doing that? (And if you figure it out please tell me how, ha!)

[Complex]

Hm ya, if these feelings come back at all is the question.
I mean people think love is gone, but it's false. I read if love once really existed, it's never going completely away. It's just covered. But once we cared for someone that much, we just close our heart over it. It makes sense.
And sometimes the love doesn't fit in our lives anymore and we just can't be with the other person anymore,...it just doesn't work out.
But IMO when you are married, it's a long way to find this out, bc we made a life long commitment and we can't just give up like our WAS are. Question of course is how long do we have to try??? I don't have an answer for that.

To work on myself, my character...
I hope therapy will help me..it's hard to get over yourself and the emotional immaturity by just reading books, but it helps. And accepting and loving myself, for who I am!!!. GAL...a complete one, where W isn't included and doesn't have to be.

[susana4]

Hm ya, if these feelings come back at all is the question.
I mean people think love is gone, but it's false. I read if love once really existed, it's never going completely away. It's just covered. But once we cared for someone that much, we just close our heart over it. It makes sense.
And sometimes the love doesn't fit in our lives anymore and we just can't be with the other person anymore,...it just doesn't work out.

I suppose that's more a philosophical question than a DB one, but I do think if someone fell in love with you once, then of course they can again. But just as you don't fall out of love all at once, you don't fall in love all in one go, it's a process.

But IMO when you are married, it's a long way to find this out, bc we made a life long commitment and we can't just give up like our WAS are. Question of course is how long do we have to try??? I don't have an answer for that.

I think that's entirely a personal question.. I think what it says in the DR book if I recall correctly is that you and you alone will know when you're ready to give up trying.

To work on myself, my character...
I hope therapy will help me..it's hard to get over yourself and the emotional immaturity by just reading books, but it helps. And accepting and loving myself, for who I am!!!. GAL...a complete one, where W isn't included and doesn't have to be.

I think it's not just reading books but putting into practice what is learnt from them that's most important. After all, we can't expect to become experts at ice skating just from reading, the only thing that will do that is going out and practising ice skating every day. Same with emotional issues.

[Complex]

Thanks Susana.
Someone replying on the Superbowl day
Crucial indeed is putting things into practice.
I notice one thing: change isn't easy. It's actually very hard. It needs so much consistency. You gotta fake it until you become it!

I started a new thread, since this one is full
Thanks for everyone's support!

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2533054#Post2533054