I'm just utterly gutted right now :(

[MrBond]

What were the other problems that she would bring up that you swept under the rug? I understand you were afraid, but you can obviously see that didn't help.

[Frank75]

Wow. You've read Michelle's article on the WAW, right? The escape plan...I'm so sorry. I know this probably hit hard when you didn't think anything could get worse. Deceit of any kind is heart breaking.

A year ago in the middle of a fight, my H said something along the lines of 'well, I'm not trying to divorce you just yet'...we said a lot of terrible things when we fought, but that sticks out...he claims his turning point was in Nov, but I think he's been chewing on his unhappiness for a lot longer.

Get out around people. Even if you're an introvert. Today, somehow, immediately. My BD shortly before Thanksgiving so I was stuck at home in my head, crying, pacing, starving, upside down and miserable for four days - and it was amazing, when I finally got out of the house and interacted with another human being or two, the world looked a whole lot different, more reasonable, sane, like things would be ok. People matter. Call an old friend or family member that can be there for you. You'll still cry for days, but try to find someone you can laugh with, too.

Keep your dignity. No one really deserves to be left like this. It helps me to remember that H and I actually are separate people...that his choices are not a reflection of me or my character, but his. Remember you are worth loving, and her actions aren't evidence to the contrary as much as it feels otherwise.

I got nothing on the constant thoughts front. I'm battling it still, 8-9 weeks later. I'm so used to thinking my way around and through everything...it doesn't help in this situation a whole lot to think your way through feelings I guess.

But as often as I can, I try to adjust to the reality of what is happening. And tell myself cold, hard truths about it to force the adjustment, over and over again to chase out the past that is out of reach: 'My H doesn't want to be in this R anymore, this is how he is looking at it. I may be divorced before the end of the year. There is happiness ahead, even so.' I've gone back to the angry texts and insults to see exactly what was there instead of the romantic versions that keep trying to crop up in my head. Every once in a while I imagine if he came home...what would my worries be then, what are my angry, betrayed feelings then? How secure could I ever be?

Somewhere on this board they recommended the Stockdale Paradox as a reference for dealing with this. I found it helpful. Also an app called HeadSpace - at least for ten minutes at a time not to have the intrusive thoughts, but some peace.

You will be a little stronger each week.

I think the biggest thing for me is how different she's acting, like it isn't her. Almost like she had to adopt a different personality to go through with this. Her "dear frank" email to me started out so impersonal it was gut wrenching.

Also we were never mean or hurtful to each other, she may have been unhappy but there was never personal attacks.

Right now i can't even wrap my head around this or the future. I know i have to, i just can't. One of my flaws is being negative (i call it a realist) and she always disliked that about me. Recently i've started trying to be positive and started reading on the power of positive thinking and that's where i'm at right now. Is that the wrong thing to do? I don't know, at worst it will just make me sadder in the long run.

Thanks for the personal anecdotes and things to search for, i'll look into them today.

[Frank75]

What were the other problems that she would bring up that you swept under the rug? I understand you were afraid, but you can obviously see that didn't help.

It all centered around first her mom dying and me not being there. I have apologized for this 10000 times over the last few years. She has issues with forgiving and forgetting, she still brings up minute issues from 10+ years ago so that is always a huge impediment. She had a crappy childhood (parents divorced when she was like 3 and her dad pretty much disappeared) so i think that plays a lot into her forgiving/forgetting.

Aside from that, i haven't swept anything under the rug...just recurrent bouts of "unhappiness" and like i said it always would come during periods of other stress in her life and she would confront me about it but it was never from a position of "i'm unhappy, can you help?" it was always just very negative "i'm unhappy there's nothing you can do". But then a day or two later we would act like nothing was wrong and that was just the dumbest thing we could have ever done. I just am conflict adverse, so it was easier to just let a few days pass and hope things eased back instead of confronting the issues head on.

I realize i haven't been a great husband and i realize i have many short-comings but from my POV our marriage should have never gotten to this point. From the outside looking in, i can't understand how someone can have a spouse that loves them so much, so unconditionally and just shut them off. It seems like anyone should want a partner like that, but she's just walled me out of her heart

I almost feel partially like a scapegoat for ALL of her problems. Like she can't remove stresses that originate outside of the house so she just concentrates on the one stress that she can get rid of (me). She's very stubborn and contrary, so i can't even try to discuss things like this with her because she gets so defensive. And since it's coming from me, she ignores it. Whereas if an aunt told her any of this she might have took it onboard

[sandi2]

Hi Frank, welcome.

As much as i plan on fighting to get her back, she's so headstrong that I doubt it will happen.

Do you have a plan on how to "fight" to get her back?

All i want is for her to see me in a different light, accept my love, and give me a chance to prove that I can make her happy. Having things out of my control is just such a horrific feeling and the thoughts of being without her has made me literally sick. I can't even eat right now.

One of the first things we learn in Divorce Busting is that we cannot control the other person. That goes especially true for out spouses. Most of us discover we are more of a controller than we even realized.

Not to mention she has a husband that loves her so much he would do anything for her....aside from let her go.

So maybe you are a stubborn, also? I know you don't want to even think about letting her go, but please start accepting the fact that we cannot make another person love us, if they don't want to. And why would you want to be with someone who doesn't love you just as much as you love her? Think about it, Frank. Life is too short.

I emailed her 2 really long, heart felt emails a few days ago. She replied last night just to acknowledge that she read them and thanking me for the thoughts and she'll reply "in a few days" because hse's not ready yet. I think the hardest thing is that the night before she left, she brought my home a milkshake, we laughed and everything seemed "fine" and then the next day i get this email.

Strange how things can turn around in a relationship. Remember in your first post where you admitted whenever she would try to discuss certain things you would hope it would be "forgotten" the next day and then you would never bring the subject back up? Do you realize how disrespectful, rude, cold, and uncaring that is for a H do think that about the one who is vowed to cherish her forever? So now, the tables have turned and you are getting antsy that she is putting on hold what you want to discuss now? Hummmmm

Frank, I am a former WAW, and a lot of what I may say will be with the hopes of giving you that viewpoint from your W. However, I think I can speak for most women when I tell you that putting her feelings and concerns on the shelf, hoping it wouldn't come again....is extremely painful to a W. It took years for her to get to the place she's at now, and she has changed. She is no longer the same woman you married. Do you get it? What you thought worked in the past is not going to get it done now. Nothing may work, IDK. We can tell you what your best shot will be, but you will be the one to have to get it through your head.

This woman has suffered, and is still suffering, and she may believe you are a great source of it. Again, IDK, but I know she has decided she is through with you for a reason. My first thought is that your behavior toward her has caused her to feel a lot of pain. Justified or not, she is blaming you for part of her unhappiness. Even though you tried to apologize and take 100% blame, I think you will discover that it just isn't enough at this time. In other words, it is going to take much, much more for her to be able to return a relationship she believes is doomed. And, the more you try to talk to her, convincing her it can work....the more you are pushing her further away. Please believe me. You will not be able to talk yourself out of this situation. Talking will not work now.

You need a plan. What can you do if talking is out of the picture? What can you do if you can't control her? What do you see as not ever letting her go? What do you see as fighting for this M? When you get real, what can you do about how she feels? What can you do if she divorces you?

I am not asking these questions to be hateful or hurtful, b/c I realize you must be in terrible pain and frustrated to come to this board and try to express what you have shared. I ask these questions to get you to think, maybe a little differently than you first started out.

Trying to persuade her to listen to what you say is, in a sense, trying to control her decisions. Ever thought about it? We all do it, unless it's one or two who have learned better. And, you will learn, too, Frank. It takes time to grasp all of this. DBing is a new way of thinking and acting.

Hope you will come back and post often. I believe you can have a new MR with your W.

Oh btw, I am still with my H, and this board deserves a lot of credit for my M surviving.

[susana4]

I second Zelda09's suggestion of HeadSpace. Exercise has also helped me, especially yoga.

Do you have any close friends or family you could go visit for the weekend? I'm fairly introverted as well but I found it really helpful to go stay with a friend for a weekend just after BD who understood my need for alone time, but was also there for me when I needed someone to vent/cry/talk to.

[susana4]

Or you could go for a long walk around the countryside if you find that sort of thing helps you clear your mind?

How awful for you to find out about the finances. I think you're right not to bring it up right now though, I think it will all come out in time. It must have been such a shock though and an additional blow. Take care of yourself.

[Frank75]

Hi Frank, welcome.

Thanks Sandi. I realize and accept the fact that I am a major source of these issues, but also it takes 2 to talk. When she did bring up these issues it was more from a place of "i'm unhappy, there's nothing you can do about it" and i would try my hardest at that time to talk to her, to get her to see that it is possible to be happy together etc. I didn't ignore her. What I meant was the next day we'd get up and we just wouldn't discuss it since we're both not confrontational So I'd avoid it because the last thing i wanted was another day of tears, not listening to each other and stuff like that. I know it took her a long time to get to that breaking point, trust me. And i know that i didn't do myself or my relationship any favors by acting like this.

This would be so much easier if i didn't love her so much and if we had just a bitter/angry relationship. It would hurt but i'd walk away. As it stands though, i just can't. I'm not a controlling person, and she's very headstrong....even if i was controlling she wouldn't have any of it. I think if anything I just kept letting go more and more so i didn't seem like i was trying to smother her. Another mistake? Probably. In my emails i haven't tried to convince her of anything, i'm a man of few words (another fault) so i just tried to lay out how I felt, things i should have said before, explaining where i'm coming from. I never asked her to change her decision or anything like that. I just wanted to her to know what was going on in my head since i tend to be better at speaking from the heart in emails rather than off the cuff.

Thanks for the advice/info/tough love. I always welcome other points of view.

[Zelda09]

Sandi2:

I think what a lot of us newcomers can't wrap our heads around is how the WAS went so cold. You say communication can't help. Is it simply time that does, that did for you? Can you tell us more about where your turning points were when you decided you still had hope for your M?

I am just starting to realize the power of accepting this reality and all the choices I can still make. And still get huge tidal waves of the sickness and regret Frank describes.

Thank you for anything else you can offer.

[Frank75]

Or you could go for a long walk around the countryside if you find that sort of thing helps you clear your mind?

How awful for you to find out about the finances. I think you're right not to bring it up right now though, I think it will all come out in time. It must have been such a shock though and an additional blow. Take care of yourself.

That's about all I can do, but it's cold and 2 feet of snow on the ground right now. I did it today anyway, trudged a mile to our mailbox and back, crying like a baby the entire time.

As for the finances, I don't even know. It's causing me panic attacks just because we have no debt but we live in a house her mom willed to her. I have rights to it, due to us selling another house and moving here but i can't even begin to think about divorce lawyers and stuff like that right now as much as i should. Thinking about moving out and into an apartment is just too much. Everything we have here is ours, everything. Thinking about going through the cold motions of splitting things up and stuff like that makes me sick to my stomach.

[Frank75]

Sandi2:

I think what a lot of us newcomers can't wrap our heads around is how the WAS went so cold. You say communication can't help. Is it simply time that does, that did for you? Can you tell us more about where your turning points were when you decided you still had hope for your M?

I am just starting to realize the power of accepting this reality and all the choices I can still make. And still get huge tidal waves of the sickness and regret Frank describes.

Thank you for anything else you can offer.

This is what's killing me. Cutting off communication is part of what got me/us into this situation. I gave her as much space and time and freedom as she wanted and that seems to have just added to her misery