She is leaving first of the month...planning on telling the kids this Sat. Pray for us please.
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
1. Sounds like your wife is either having an affair OR is emotionally connecting with the OM.
2. Let her move out. This shows the kids who is moving out AND it makes the consequences real for her.
3. Go see a lawyer ASAP, just to make sure you are protecting your own interests. This doesn't mean you need to file for divorce, but you need to position yourself well in case the divorce happens. If she gets a better job (3/4 your salary), and moves out, she is at a less advantageous position re child support and maintenance (alimony). DO THIS RIGHT AWAY!
4. She's getting mean, cranky and erratic. This is often "script" behavior for someone having an affair. May just be WAW behavior. You need to be cordial, and enforce your boundaries. But you don't have to be "nice" or emotionally available for her.
The loss of my wife and friend, the pain that it will cause the kids, the not knowing if she is dating, if I date will it affect her, not seeing my children 50% of the time, lack of coping mechanisms (healthy ones) on my part, telling our friends and family, legal matters...
She has stated things like "I want you to find someone" "I cannot love you the way that you do me" and "I do not see myself with you for the rest of my life"
I want to wait for her and give her this time to figure "herself" out but God I so miss the touch of a woman who cares for me
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
The loss of my wife and friend, the pain that it will cause the kids, the not knowing if she is dating, if I date will it affect her, not seeing my children 50% of the time, lack of coping mechanisms (healthy ones) on my part, telling our friends and family, legal matters...
Hrd...right now, not much that I say, or anyone says, is going to make much of a difference to how you feel.
What I will tell you though, is all of that ^^^ is completely normal, and most of us have felt that pain before.
Most of what you describe though, has already happened. Whether she lives there or not, she has been emotionally "gone" for quite some time now.
The kids ? Yes, that is the sukc part of it, yet I will say that how you handle this (whether you "feel" it or not), will speak volumes about how they handle it.
Dating ? yea....NO. You aren't ready for that, and why would you involve somebody else in this mess, when you aren't emotionally available for anything.
Now....Coping skills ?
Yea, now you are talkin buddy. That is something that you have some control over.
What steps are you taking to find those skills ?
Originally Posted By: Hrdtims
She has stated things like "I want you to find someone" "I cannot love you the way that you do me" and "I do not see myself with you for the rest of my life"
I hope that you can see, that this really does have more to do with her than it does with you.
Finding someone, will help her relieve the guilt that she is feeling right now.
And make no mistake, this isn't easy for her. She is struggling greatly inside.
Everything that she said up there ^^^ , that is the way that she feels today, and it doesn't mean that they are forever.
Things can change, and people can change. What happens today, does not define tomorrow. YOU play a large role in tomorrow..
Just because she moves out now, does not mean that she can't move back in one day...
Just because THIS marriage is over, doesn't mean that you won't have a better, more meaningful marriage to her in the future...
The key, is to work on how you can work through yourself, and heal, and grow...
So what are some things that YOU can do for you ???
Thanks, I will try...weekend is going to be tough.
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
Thanks, strong comments. I need to be calm through this process and continue to suport our kids without lashing out at her. Continue to work out, decrease ETOH some, connect with friends more, get out and stay busy and not feel sorry for myself.
But it will be difficulat between now, this weekend, and the first of the month. Man I am hating telling the children. I will be strong and lead the way but man this [censored].
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
The loss of my wife and friend, the pain that it will cause the kids, the not knowing if she is dating, if I date will it affect her, not seeing my children 50% of the time, lack of coping mechanisms (healthy ones) on my part, telling our friends and family, legal matters...
The loss of you wife and friend. Yes. Totally s*cks. Hurts like a m*ther-f*cker. I'm sorry. I really am. I've been there. It's not fair and it's cruel. The only way out of this is through it. No one said life would be easy. This is your one great trial.
It will hurt your kids. No doubt. A divorce will hurt them terribly. But then you can't stop your wife from crapping over all your kids so she can "find herself" and/or pursue another man. You can't stop that. Right now your wife is being a flaming piece of sh*t. Start viewing her that way. In fact, get a little mad and be the papa-bear you need to be to protect yourself and your kids AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. Again, you can't prevent your kids from living in a broken home ON YOUR OWN. But you can be the sane parent. Be that parent.
Well she's either dating or she's not. If she isn't, she's still being a turd to hurt you and your kids. If she's cheating on you, she's being a particularly horrific breed of sub-human turd. Her behavior seems to indicate she's dating.
DO NOT date anyone now. It's stupid, immoral and hypocritical.
Yes, you probably won't see your children 50% of the time. That [censored] for you and your kids. Your wife doesn't give a sh*t, because she's on her little crazy-making adventure. What makes someone do that? Umm...maybe an affair. On the other hand, if you are smart and get a lawyer, you will see them 50% of the time, and not every other weekend as most dads get stuck with when their wives decide to start screwing the pool boy.
Find healthy coping mechanisms: 1. Friends and family. 2. A vigorous activity that demands our full attention like rock climbing, karate, boxing, etc. (It's hard to worry about your wife when you are ducking a punch from your opponent). 3. See a good therapist. 4. Go to church, synagogue, etc. (connecting with God is always helpful.
Telling your friends and family. Don't be a meagaphone, but don't protect your wife or shield her from the consequences of her actions. IF people ask, say, "Darla is moving out because she needs some time for herself. She's not very happy in the marriage."
Legal matters. GO SEE A LAWYER ASAP. Trust me on this.
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She has stated things like "I want you to find someone" "I cannot love you the way that you do me" and "I do not see myself with you for the rest of my life"
Sounds like she's cheating on you. Who else says things like this? It's not about your problems, it's not about your being a good dad or good provider. It's about her being romantically satisfied with a "deep emotional connection" Either she's found it with someone else or she's planning to real soon. The fact that she wants you to find someone is almost proof positive she's cheating.
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I want to wait for her and give her this time to figure "herself" out but God I so miss the touch of a woman who cares for me.
Well if you tell her you'll be a good little boy and wait for her while she finds herself while exploring life with her new soul-mate/f*ck-buddy, then she'll take you for granted, despise you more and walk all over you emotionally, legally, and custody-wise. She needs to get the sense that you are ready to move on and that SHE CAN LOSE you and that losing you has CONSEQUENCES.
Try the Last Resort Technique TO THE LETTER.
Then try the AFTER THE LAST RESORT technique (going dark).
Then, give her an ultimatum.
Have your lawyer lined up before giving an ultimatum.
In the meantime, I recommend you check out the Chump Lady website for a good laugh and a unique perspective on cheating spouses.
Theoden, Thanks your words help. Anger is not a bad emotion for the situation, but I need to keep it in check. I like your statement. "The only way through it is through it" and have used it many times. I was able to get through telling the kids (I will write about it shortly) without breaking down too much. We have agreed on shared 50-50 custody and a financial arrangement that is satisfactory to me and I stay in the house. I count my blessings there as I know that many have not fared as well as I seem to be. I already have implemented your advice on the activities. I Lift daily, box 3x a week, have been climbing at a local gym and will be joining a Divorcecare help group two days after she leaves. I do not know on how much to concentrate on techniques to get her back. I float back and forth from accepting and sadness but bargaining and denial are rarely present anymore. So as far as the LRT ALRT and Ultimatum…? She does seem to be getting more anxious as the date approaches (and more verbal) I am staying calm and rational (the best that I can). Yes the hardest part is the EC with a possible OM and the fact that I still Love her for me but H*LL the only way through it is through it. Thanks man, your post has helped me more than any other.
W-43 H-41 M-19 T-21 Kids S-15 D-13 S-11 OM/EA/PA suspected 7/4/14 Talk of Seperation 7/5/14 Slept in same bed, held each other nightly until 2/1/15 W moved out 2/1/15 I am moving on
Stay strong. You are doing better than most out there given your situation.
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We have agreed on shared 50-50 custody and a financial arrangement that is satisfactory to me and I stay in the house. I count my blessings there as I know that many have not fared as well as I seem to be.
Excellent! This is great. Make sure you show this to a lawyer and that when you sign papers, it's rock-solid.
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I already have implemented your advice on the activities. I Lift daily, box 3x a week, have been climbing at a local gym and will be joining a Divorcecare help group two days after she leaves.
Again. Great work! This is good stuff.
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I do not know on how much to concentrate on techniques to get her back. I float back and forth from accepting and sadness but bargaining and denial are rarely present anymore. So as far as the LRT ALRT and Ultimatum…?
What you are doing now, is 90% of what you need to be doing. Staying strong, etc. You are not "trying to get her back". Walk away wives can smell that a mile away. The book the Divorce Remedy has these techniques.
It's very helpful in switching the dynamic of you trying to pull her into the marriage again and always "being there" in case she changes her mind. This kind of chasing behavior turns off a wayward/cheating spouse. The LRT messes a little with their minds, while, at the same time, gives you your dignity back.
The AFTER the last resort technique means you go very dark no contact except for stuff re: kids.
The Ultimatum: Do, X, Y and Z or I file for divorce. (This may seem a moot point since you are both filing for a separation).
