train, 25yrs, others who kept up on my sitch

[Ggrass]

Wow that's awesome and not so awesome.

I kept tabs on you, mainly as we came here almost at the same time. Turns out my h may be a serial cheater too. There's a lot riding on this whole thing.

Perhaps mc would be wise, if h chooses the easy road next time h cheats it may just be the ow who us the easy road.

[twinmom]

Ok,I have a free "moment". I swear I have kept myself so busy I don't know if I am coming or going. I am earning a decent amount of money and it *mostly* keeps my mind from going into dark places.

So H and I have had a few talks, you know those late night so tired really emotional talks..... Not good for anyone. BUT here is where we are at. He doesn't want a divorce, he loves me but he isn't "in love" with me. He doesn't know if he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He made such a huge mess of this situation he doesn't even know where to begin to clean it up. The relationship between me and his family is so negative he doesn't know if it CAN be repaired.
He was seeing a therapist (who turned out to be horrible and now H refuses to do the therapy thing) I don't know if Retrovile (spelling is wrong I know) would be a good idea for us or not.

He admits that he did very horrible things and wishes it never would have happened. Just a few months ago he said he didn't regret the affair and now he says that he sees how much damage and pain he has caused and regrets what he did.

I have a lot of anger, which H doesn't deal well with. He doesn't meet my needs even when I tell him exactly what those needs are.
I have tried backing off, doing the whole GAL thing and then my sex drive kicks in...... FU*#!!! So I initiate and we have sex and I am back to square one......

I don't know how to deal with my anger towards him. I have triggers and he says "I can't take back what I did, I wish I could" but that doesn't help me in the moment.

Train, you're right. I do want more than a nanny but it is so hard to make him leave and do this parenting thing alone. So basically it's like an in house separation but he doesn't miss me because I am here every day!

Do I need to start at square one of divorce busting? I feel like he is "cake eating" in that he isn't meeting my needs but he is playing the part of happy family.

Oh and he isn't willing to give up the phone code yet. BUT he does check in with me when he is going to be even 10 minutes late and goes out of his way to come home early from work and I didn't ask for these things.

2x4's welcome!

[Complex]

Well, I'm not an expert by any means and I'm sitting in my own mess right now, but PLEASE stop sleeping with him. I think everyone would agree. You found yourself in a vicious cycle.
If you can afford it, get some phone coaching and then follow strictly what they are saying. You need guidance.

That he is saying he doesn't want divorce but he doesn't know if he can be with you forever is bs, sorry. He probably has self esteem issues and too bad his therapist was horrible.
You need to DB PROPERLY, warm him up enough so you get him to find another therapist.
Re read the section in DR where Michelle explains how to find a good therapist or even the whole book again. Refresh your mind. Stay active as much as you can here. I know how foggy everything can be especially when you spend so much time with your spouse in separation mode.

Talk less too. Talking was my biggest enemy DBing. I don't know what else to tell you, not experienced with your situation but stay strong, be in charge of the moment and yourself!!!

[twinmom]

Complex, thank you for your insight. I did phone coaching almost a year ago when the bd and he left....
Not to make light of my life but if you want to read some soap opra search my old threads.

[Jefe]

Twin, my heart aches for you, but understand I would give anything to be where you're at right now.

I know I can positively, undoubtedly, identify with your anger feelings and not knowing what to do with them. I can say this much, I heard you say about 2-3 weeks ago you were not really wanting a divorce and sounds like he doesn't either. That's a fantastic place to start.

ILYBINILWY? This is such pop-psych garbage. No one is asking either of you to have particular feelings, you're just asking him to work on the marriage.

I have no idea if I have anything to offer you, Twin, but I see a ton of hope in that paragraph above.

[Complex]

I agree. I should've said that too.
Lot of people would love to be in your situation. So am I.
You have to look forward, not backwards. There are no old threads of yours. They don't exist, you came a long way to where you are right now!
The only way is going forward. I'd get some expert advice.
And I'd get it soon because I'm sure the situation isn't doing any good for your kids.
Love, complex

[twinmom]

Thanks. Darn those threads were filled with stories that would make me a fortune in the soap opera writing business.

My hesitation lies in the fact that my H is a serial cheater, a LIAR and an addict(the new relationship "in love" feeling is his addiction)

I have been through sooooooooooo much, honestly right now this is great for the kids. What they have been through is horrible.

I have gotten much better advice from 25yrs, train, starsky, and a few others than I did my db coach. That is why I am posting here. My H isn't currently in an affair (although I am sure it could happen at any time but is it really an affair at this point??)

Maybe I do need more "mystery" more "GAL" and take care of me time.

[twinmom]

I guess I should update my signature...... I'm not 32 anymore :-( and well Lilly isn't 3 months, lol! Time it's flying by.

[shodan]

Twinmom

I am not sure that I have commented on your thread before but I do read it from time to time. I think it is great that both of you don't want a D. That is a great start. But like my situation, this seems half baked. I would refocus on you and get to place where you don't act confident but are confident. You need to let him go. Does this mean he can be around to help with the kids? yes. Does this mean no more sex? Yes. But your husband has not it rock bottom and maybe never will. Do you want to live the rest of your life in a M where you always fears that he will have another A? I know I don't.

[twinmom]

Lately I have been flipping out over little lies. It throws me into a tizzy when he lies. I would welcome some 2x4's on this subject.

His lies are to be nice to me but I just see it as a black/white lie and freak.

example, he gets DD iced coffee EVERY single morning. I make my coffee at home and get a DD coffee only if I am in a rush to be somewhere in the morning or if H has a free one due to reward points. Well Sunday he was going to get his coffee and he always asks if I want one, I almost always say no. I told him if he had enough points to get me one. Well he comes back with one........ and today I see the receipt from yesterday showing the points balance... he didn't have enough points, he just paid for it.

another example.... last night he was going to DD at 10:30pm because I decided to make plans for early this morning and he wouldn't have coffee til almost noon so he went last night and put it in the fridge. He decided to take my car and I warned him I needed gas and gave him my debit card. I look at my checking account this morning and no charge for gas.....

it's things like this he is lying about and it is driving me INSAINE. I think it's because I fear he doesn't see a problem with lying and I fear the tumble downwards to lying about where he is and who he is with and another affair.