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Originally Posted By: DaddyLongShanks
Originally Posted By: SRD
Hey Sandi

I complexly agree. I'm not proud of what I did but I did what I did and have to live with that. As far as double standard I can accept that. This is not an excuse but just an explanation. We were already in trouble when this happened, Intimacy in our marriage was dwindling and I didn't know why nor had the skills to find out. The events happened on nights out when I was very drunk and I was the one pursued. I was weak and gave in. The only positive I can take is that I felt so guilty I couldn't go through with it. Again this is not an excuse as there isn't one just an explanation.


Unfortunately while your actions do not fit within the normal DB system nor normal 180 solutions, they did do something as you can see. Your wife is PISSED, and it's an obvious double standard that even she can't lie to herself about. I was never a tit for tatter, but my new belief system is the cheating is more fun as long as the betrayed stays faithful. As soon as the betrayed gets a gf or bf and starts up the sex and having fun with someone else instead of waiting on spouse to return, it dumps cold water on the heat of their affair. They can now see it for what it really is, because they really think what you did was dirty and despicable...

Originally Posted By: SRD


As far as the strippers. This was innocent. There was nothing in it at all. It wasnt something enjoyable but embarrassing. Did I say no? No, I just went along with it to be "one of the boys" Have I ever had that again? No. Again this is not an excuse. To be fair I did tell her about the strippers straight away. My wife is no wall flower when it comes to that sort of thing either.


Strippers is a normal part of many "good" relationships even, of course with rules. Still guys and ladies do things that if their spouse was there they probably would not do... But it is good your wife knows you have a life outside of her.

I take it your story could end up being one of the more positive DB stories in the end if you do what you are supposed to do.

Originally Posted By: SRD


Your right i wouldnt have admitted it had i not found out.
Begging and crying first ? No. I found out asked her, she admitted and said something aong the lines of "well i have no idea what you have done either" so i just admitted it.


How did she respond immediately after this? I take it there was a very quick change in her attitude. You know they are like on god mode when they cheated you, and when you reveal you've done your own it takes that away.

"I didn't really want to, but you've been neglecting my needs for a very long time"

Originally Posted By: SRD


Im not judging anything. I think we have both made some very bad choices. We live under the same roof for the moment so we have agreed no more talk about it and just be friendly so as not to upset our daughter.

As far as reconcilliation. It is looking highly unliekly that is going to happen. The man she is having an affair with is her business partner so not as easy as just to end it. Im of the mindset now to detach work on me and be the best dad i can be.


SMH.

Originally Posted By: SRD


As far as more surprises, there are none from my side. Im not convinced on her time line of her affair though. Red flags suggest it has been going on much longer. They my have only been physical 6 months or so ago but she has been involved with him for much longer im pretty sure of that.


Some of her friends know about it. You can find out which friends know about it by planting a VAR in her car. Also didn't you find out this stuff from phone text chats? Perhaps in her chats to some of her friends it's discussed so you can go back in history.

It doesn't take long to go from inappropriate comments to physical, not long at all.


Hi

As soon as I found out 3am in the night and confronted her she was very upset. Demanding her phone back. Freaking out. When I asked how long she was pretty vague. Saying she doesn't know 6 months maybe. After a few questions she was saying "anyway I've no idea what you have done " and talking about a social cycling site I use. I thought I might as well just tell her get it all out. She was apologetic obviously ashamed and panicking but also really annoyed.We talked for about 3 hours before we had to sort my daughter out and go to work. I don't know how we did.
The next day when I saw her later on she was fuming. She had rang a mutual friend to find out who the woman was. Asking questions about her and the night. Now this has oissed me off as I have no idea what was said and I don't want to be painted as the only bad guy here. She was really pissed. It made me feel better because at least she felt something. She was saying she wosnt bothered later but easy to see she was. Believe nothing of what they say.

Strippers was maybe misjudged but it was innocent. Nothing at all happened and i was honest straight away

In my panicking I was demanding in that she end it and can't work with him and said to put her rings back on. What was interesting was that she said she had been in 2 mines about putting them back on. She said she missed them. Anyway they're still off and I can't see them going back on now.

As far as friends knowing I'm not sure. I did check messages between them and there was no talk of om. Just concern for her about our marriage failing.
As for checking now....I don't need to know. I'm pretty sure her best friend will know now as she was with her for hours on Sunday. She is single and always really has been but has been involved with a married man in nth past which all ended badly. Hopefully she will talk some sense into her.

It would be very difficult for them to have a relationship in the open. It would be so obvious what has been going on. Our daughter even though only 8 would work it out when older. 1 of his children already suspected to which he denied so this wouldr ruin his allready shitty relationship with his kids. My wife's family would be mortified. She has lied to them all especially her dad.
He is also a lot older and lives mainly in London plus they work together. It's a real mess. But will she stop seeing him. I doubt it. The love drug is still causing through her veins. Will it cool off. Maybe. The secret is out.
She repeatedly said she has no idea what she is doing. She has no plan her head is up her arse.
At some point they will need to think about what they are doing. Go public? Go on then. The gloss will wear off pretty quick I think.
Me...I just need to detach gal and continue to have a friendly relationship for our daughters sake.


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

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Feeling pretty SH1t this morning. Not had much sleep and things seemed a bit frosty between us. I really don't know if I can carry on being here. I made the most of getting my daughter ready for school. I'm working at home today which isn't great as im on my own with time to think!

I was going over some more In my head about the timeline and things started to drop into place. She says 6 months to me. Now im not sure f that's when they started sleeping together or if that when they started EA and lying. Anyway looking back over my notes I can see back in September that Jane had tried to talk to me about a way forward with us which at the time I didn't discuss. Was this some sort of last effort on her part? We never did discuss and things then obviously escalated between them. She was all the while very negative about my Mum which was all directed at me. Now this is definitely an issue in our relationship but I can see now why she was making huge a big deal about it on a regular basis. It puts the blame on me. Makes it easier for her to carry on doing what she is doing. Eases the guilt. Reading up this is a common tactic. September into October there were still sign of her caring. Called me babe a few times, stroked my arm that sort of thing. This stopped fairly recently all together. Was this when she gave up completely on me? She seemed to be wrestling with the 2 situations October and November last year. We spent a lot of time together as a family and there was still some tactile moments in November early December and she was also comfortable with me still see her semi naked. She had asked me also to check her foot which was sore so felt comfortable with that. It seems end of December she finally gave up me. I had noticed she would not get changed in front of me. I also recently noticed new underwear. Any mention of a way forward for us stopped. She became obsessed with her phone. Spent more weekends in "work" Week before I found out she took her rings off. Completely checked out.


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 374
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Ontheup Offline OP
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My little girl is home which instantly made me feel better. Selfish I know but she lights me up. We're doing her homework together now.
I actually thought earlier when she came in im looking forward to us spending time together just me and her. I still feel sick though at the thought we're breaking apart her little world.


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 2,257
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Originally Posted By: SRD
Hi Sandi
I thought I was detaching as inwasn't pursuing my wife anymore. No more affection on emails texts etc doing my own thing. I now realise I wasn't. I was still in the begging and hoping pursuing phase. I was doing stuff in the hope it would impress her and turn things around.
I now realise it was futile as she already checked out.
We agreed before I found out that I would move back to our other house just round the corner to give her some space. I now realise what that means. We agreed temporary seperation to see how we both feel. I now really need to get out. We are freindly around each other but is just wafer thin. No meaning to it.
We' ll need to talk before I go to put some ground rules in place. Is this temporary, finances child care etc. I will then be pulling right back. I won't be here anymore to run around after her.


I've always been a big advocate of GAL and doing the 180 is much easier if you get into activities that you LOVE to do. So it's not doing it to stay away from her, but doing things you love to do that make you feel good or make you productive.

Part of my GAL strategy is getting into really good physical conditioning, improving your dress and grooming, also doing some social activiites....

So I have been mentioning Salsa, Step, Ball Room Dance, etc as ways to enjoy the company of the opposite sex without necessarily cheating.

I just started my salsa back up, and my current lady and I are having problems where I too need to "pull back" according to 180 and GAL principles...

Well in any case, I found through the salsa and I knew this from the past, I would have the close presence of friendly ladies who want to be in my space and our hands on each other. It literally fills the soul and I wasn't even thinking about my lady, but rather the nice lady who is dancing with me who wants me right on her... I went home with a source of confidence that hadn't been fed in years!

So I advice for other male and females as some sort of "social" dancing is good for the soul, and will make it much easier to "pull back" from your relation partner.

Often even when there is not trouble or affairs, you may need to "pull back" if you have been doing too much persuing! It increases your partners interest and attraction to you.

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Originally Posted By: SRD
My little girl is home which instantly made me feel better. Selfish I know but she lights me up. We're doing her homework together now.
I actually thought earlier when she came in im looking forward to us spending time together just me and her. I still feel sick though at the thought we're breaking apart her little world.


Your not breaking her world up. You have to man up. Perhaps you can do what it takes for your WAW to be a grown up and stop chasing waterfalls. I think you need to show her you can do what she is, and that it's not a big deal. Get back into your life. I'm glad she knew about your side action, it really leveled her.

You can also find out more details about the OM whether he has other women, is married, if they are messing around and breaking ethics in the work environment.

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funny how one little thing can instantly make you feel better. At least for a bit
One of my mates on a social running site (strava) just posted his 3 mile run.

Title: Worst Ever. Diarrhoea. Had to stop mid run for a poo behind a bush. Had to wipe with a fern. bad day


Oh my god. That has cheered me up.

Sorry if that caused offence to anyone.


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 374
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Wife has come home late. Apparently been at her best friends. Who knows. To be honest I'd didn't really care. I've been looking at houses to rent. I just want out. Have been thinking about stuff I can do and spending quality time with my daughter. I'm not sure I can stick it for 2 more months. We had a freindly chat about her best freind hating her job and about our daughter. I was friendly and civil but at the same time aloof. I didn't enquire about what she had done.
She made me a tea and then asked if I'd kill a spider. She is terrified of them. Who does she think is going to get em when I'm gone? She is still juggling both worlds. She doesn't mention work at all though now which is a relief. From my point of view it's one of the reasons we're at this point. She spends all her time working. Foolishly I didn't realise this included sleeping with her business partner.


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 374
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Ontheup Offline OP
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Feel rubbish this morning. Not slept well as there was a disturbance at the neighbours. Why do i always feel worse in the morning. Just tired i guess.
Last night I mentioned to my wife im coming in the office today. She was like "oh why?" i just said i feel it would be better for me to be in. Usually i work at home 3 days per week. I feel i need to be around people though so made the effort to cycle in.
Now she has been going onto me since i started working at home 3 years ago that i should get in the office more. Then when i have 180ed and said im going in she is surprised i am.


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 374
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Ontheup Offline OP
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I need some advice please.
I am looking at moving out as soon as possible. renting somewhere and leave our tenants in our other house. I need to move on and cant whilst still here whilst my wife is still involved with OM. I have no idea what the situation is between them now. But she is still working with him so as far as im concerned she still chooses to be with him.
I have seen on these boards though that I should not move out. The problem is I cant afford to live here on my own if my wife moved out. How will she see any consequences though if she gets to stay in her house without really losing anything? My daughter will be here half the week and our cat (silly I know but I love him to) Will the fact that im no longer around to fetch and carry be enough that she thinks about what she is doing?


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 2,257
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Originally Posted By: SRD
Wife jst called to ask me how i am after getting knocked of my bike this morning. I explained said im ok etc but left it at that. She told me she was on her way to a meeting and I just said be careful (bad weather) and left it at that. also just confirmed what we are doing for tea. I am being friendly and civil but leaving it at that. Not prying into what she is doing


How did she know you got "knocked off your bike"? I wouldn't be broadcasting any failures or negative events, it's like doing it to your nemesis. Each one of them prove you are less of a "man" than the OM. I wouldn't say a word.

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