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#2529218 01/20/15 06:19 PM
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eclipse Offline OP
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Hello everyone. I've been browsing some stories here, but I'm starting to wonder if my situation is too far outside the scope of what DB was designed for. I'm going to paint a more of a complete picture of my life than most others may have done because 1) it seems very relevant and 2) it just helps to let it all out. Here goes...

My wife walked away in October 2014. We have been married since 2009 (unplanned pregnancy) and have been together since 2001 (high school sweethearts, both 16 at the time). We've only ever been with each other, and our relationship was somewhat different from others--not particularly passionate, but rather sweet, gentle, and more of a friendship, even from the very beginning.

In 2002 I almost lost her because I focused too much on work (been working since junior year in H.S.). It may sound strange, but at some point I think I somehow forced myself to feel something even though we were drifting apart. Or maybe it was just attachment. What does it matter...it felt real at the end of the day. Then in 2008, I almost lost her again when our then-mutual best friend sought a little too much comfort from her during one of his own relationship failures. She cited stagnation in our relationship and a lack of growth together as the trigger for her having feelings for some else. Eventually, thanks to a large effort on my part, the interloper was banished from our lives and after a month or so we managed to reconcile and continued on our merry way.

Almost a year later, we were pregnant with an unexpected child. She always wanted, I never did (I come from a long line of broken homes and just wanted to escape that cycle). She was still in college accumulating a sizable debt, and I was working an internship earning barely enough to make rent each month. Luckily a former classmate set me up with a full time job, but it was still a continuous struggle to keep up. We talked about abortion, but she said if I don't want the child I can just leave. I chose to stay, and I think that's when the seeds of destruction were planted, because at the point I became resentful that I would be losing out on the closeness with her which I always enjoyed. That mental rift between loving my wife and at the same time being angry with her took years to close, and it took a toll on our entire family.

Those years of raising our daughter were a nightmare for both of us. I fell into the typical trap of focusing too much on work. I did laps around my coworkers and enjoyed praise and promotion. Meanwhile, my wife was feeling so alone that she actually pushed us to move across state lines, willingly isolating herself from everyone she knew just so I can spend less time on the commute and not be so stressed. As you may have guessed, that's not how it worked out. I pushed even harder at work, causing my own self to suffer. Finally things reached the point where I became emotionally abusive. That love/hate rift became a chasm. Both of us lacked any sort of support system, and everything just went to hell. I had created a reality that can only be described as a depressive, nihilistic nightmare, and I pulled my entire family into it.

And yet, even at that point my wife tried to make things work by catering to any whim or fantasy of a better life I had ever spouted, and I just either ignored or berated her. She even offered for us to move further away yet to escape the situation. Then, in 2010, I had an emotional affair with a coworker, and my wife found out. Instead of giving up, she moved back in with her parents for a few months and told me that I can either move back with her and start over in our home state or I can just stay put and our relationship would be over. Of course I moved, but instead of genuinely starting over, all I did was bring the vortex of misery with me. I felt like I had failed at life and started having panic attacks. At that point we ended up seeing a marriage counselor (her idea) who suggested that we both need individual therapy as well, but we never followed up.

At the start of 2014, something strange happened, and I started to feel some sort of shift in my outlook on life. I stopped caring so much about work and started coming home earlier. Instead of b-lining straight for the bedroom, I would greet my wife and daughter with open arms. I genuinely thought that things were coming around. I was dead wrong. Even though I felt like I was becoming a new person, my old self was still in there, pulling me back. I became unstable, and my wife was terrified because she never knew which "me" to expect--the "let's all go out for a nice walk" or the explosive outbursts and self-harm. After my 30th birthday at the end of that September, she once again moved back in with her parents. She told me to seek professional help, and that only after several months of continuous therapy would she even consider coming back. She never kept that end of the bargain.

So I've been seeing a shrink since then, and in some ways, things have really been turning around. I exorcised any remaining traces of dissonance about having an unplanned child and built a wonderful relationship with my daughter (she is 5 1/5 now). After many years, I was able to reconnect with my mother and the sister I barely knew. I've been reaching out to friends and ways to keep busy with.

But I cannot reconnect with my wife. Our communication is rocky, and she is cold to me most of the time. Initially she would only talk to me via text, and avoided eye contact when I could come to pick up our daughter. When she came in for a collateral visit to one of my therapy sessions, she was frantic. My shrink asked her to give an account of what's wrong in our relationship, and she just rambled "make sure he doesn't kill himself," "just give me 17%," "I wanted to meet someone new." I told her I understand what I've done wrong and that I am willing to do anything possible to make things work. She broke down, started crying and said "why won't you just let me go." When I reached over to try and comfort her, she twisted away and shrieked "don't touch me." Her entire body contorted and I knew then that something was really wrong. I felt sick to my stomach. Maybe worth adding is the fact that she has been taking very good care of herself, and like a stupid male, I got jealous and took it at face value. Of course, her actually *saying* that she wants a divorce so she can meet a quality guy didn't help the paranoia either, but she's hasn't brought it up since then.

It's taken these four months to even have a coherent, minute-long conversation with her, and even now it's really just logistics. Her mood varies often, and I have at best a 50% chance of getting any response when I ask her about her day. She is extremely defensive, and any trace of being warm and friendly promptly brings up the D word again. She has been critical and suspicious of every positive change I've made in my life, and sometimes makes sarcastic and insulting remarks obviously meant to sting (took a while to learn to ignore these). Every time I talk to her I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I've heard from secondary sources that she is glad that I was able to make these changes, but that it doesn't change how she feels (or rather doesn't) about me. She's given me the ILYBINILWY, "we can be friends," "I'm not attracted to you," et al, and I've done the pleading, begging, reasoning with the expected failure rate.

I am afraid that my wife has closed off her heart to me forever. She has shut out her parents, close friends, and anyone else who suggested we try to work it out. She said she's moving into her own place soon. It just seems like she wants to start a brand new life and never look back. Every time our daughter asks why we can't be a family together, my heart breaks and I don't know what to say except to reassure her that she is always loved no matter what. It's taken me over five years to understand what family really means, and now it's slipping away. I've ordered the DB book, and I am continuing with therapy, but now that I'm fully aware of all the atrocities I've committed over the years, I've lost a lot of my resolve to win her back because I don't feel I deserve her anymore.

And now I think I'm rambling like some lovesick man-puppy...


Me:31 W:31 D:6
T: 9/2001 M: 1/2009
W unhappy: 6/14
W moves to parents: 10/14
W wants D (angry): 12/14
W okay w/ S: 2/15
W wants D (calm): 2/15
W gets new job/place: 3/15
W admits PA, suggests MC: 8/15
Joined: Jun 2007
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Welcome aboard. Hope your book arrives soon and that you will read it carefully.

It is sad that you did not appreciate what you had and treated her so shabby, and now you've woke up......she is done. That is how it goes with so many couples. You have been a big part of her life and hopefully that will be in your favor. Also, you are the father of her child, and there is a bond there between you.

You have a lot to learn about DBing, so read threads in Newcomers and get acquainted. Posting often is important, so hope to hear from you soon.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2529360 01/21/15 01:05 AM
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Sorry that you find yourself on here. If things were as bad as you say they were and you were as emotionally and mentally abusive to her as described, it's going to take alot of work on your part.

Are you willing to put in the work?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
MrBond #2529366 01/21/15 01:22 AM
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Eclipse,
Sorry you are here, but welcome nonetheless. I feel very connected to your story, I have a couple ties to the city in a previous life and your story is much like my own.

You have a lot of small details in your story, which makes me think you are open to analyzing the situation. You should read the DR/DB, read some success stories, read threads and then start to look at your own behavior and identify those areas where you enabled her to feel the way she feels, and to start taking ownership of your behavior and figure out how to change it to become the best version of yourself.

Originally Posted By: MrBond

Are you willing to put in the work?


MrBond is right in asking. Change doesn't happen overnight, and it starts with you.


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
MrBond #2529368 01/21/15 01:31 AM
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Welcome aboard, eclipse. Thanks for sharing your story.

You ask if your sitch is within the scope of DB and the answer is assuredly yes. DB is meant to save you as much as attempting to save your M. One risk at the beginning is to put all your focus on saving the M because it actually reduces your chances of doing so. DB is meant to help you by bringing back the focus on yourself, making you a more balanced person capable of taking decisive action but also to be an attractive person. You're beginning a new life and DB is there to help you make it better than the previous one.

With the reactions from your W that you describe, it sounds to me like you will have, more than average, to really let her go and focus on yourself. She doesn't want your comfort, she doesn't want to feel any attraction from you, she says she doesn't care about your changes. "You're already dead" is probably a good place to start. Your relationship is finished as of now and the only way forward will be a rebirth, which means you have to let it die for now.

As Mr. Bond said, this will be a long journey. Months, maybe years. It will get worse before it gets better. But no matter how it ends with your wife, you will emerge stronger with the help of DB. I hope you'll find the strength.

Don't forget to create your signature in your profile. Look at mine for an example.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza #2529549 01/21/15 06:44 PM
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eclipse Offline OP
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Just got the book, along with a replacement tea kettle (I broke ours during the last outburst of anger right before W left), haven't had a chance to read yet.

I've been thinking about a conversation I had with the W while she was still in her frantic mode at the start of the month, and she asked if there was anything she could do that would make me just give her the D. Back then, I initially countered by calmly asking if there was anything I could do that would make her give our M another chance, and offered a trial run of a year or even half a year to see if she might feel differently (and that I would continue to stay in therapy during that time). She didn't take it so well and started threatening to lawyer up and have me served like her cousin in Canada did with her H. So I said that if there's no other way and she feels that strongly about it that she can go and jump through all those hoops and that there's nothing I can do about it. She backed off, but I've been wondering...

Has anyone heard of an all-or-nothing approach being used in a case like this? I've been considering the possibility of offering Michele's private sessions as a condition of D--that if we can't work it out there that there's really no chance we can work it out ever and that I'll give her the D in such a case. Thoughts?


Me:31 W:31 D:6
T: 9/2001 M: 1/2009
W unhappy: 6/14
W moves to parents: 10/14
W wants D (angry): 12/14
W okay w/ S: 2/15
W wants D (calm): 2/15
W gets new job/place: 3/15
W admits PA, suggests MC: 8/15
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I think there is a chance to work things out but both parties have to enter it with an open heart and an open mind.

It doesn't sound like she is open to that right now.

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eclipse Offline OP
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Some progress...we finally texted back and forth on a non-logistical topic (we agreed on a movie we don't like) but she got annoyed toward the end. I think she didn't want the convo to be so long or something I said triggered her defenses, so she went back to only logistics.

Read up to page 40 so far. The book says it can be used with a spouse, and a lot of the opening content seems to be geared for that, but I read in some other forum that DB book should *not* be shared...not sure what to follow?

Oh, and I think my wife might be setting up an affair.


Me:31 W:31 D:6
T: 9/2001 M: 1/2009
W unhappy: 6/14
W moves to parents: 10/14
W wants D (angry): 12/14
W okay w/ S: 2/15
W wants D (calm): 2/15
W gets new job/place: 3/15
W admits PA, suggests MC: 8/15
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 65
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eclipse Offline OP
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Just thinking about all the things she said very early on when I tried to ask her to come back and remind her of the good times. She said she hates everything about me...appearance, jokes, musical tastes, relatives, the sex...EVERYTHING. At that point I was trying to think outside the box and actually suggested an open marriage thinking she might have repressed urges or what-not, to which she said she's not some kind of freak and that the only thing she wants is to get away from me. Makes sense, I guess. She's willing to part with the vast majority of our savings and outside of making threats, repeatedly said she wants to avoid attorneys and going through the system. Who knows what she's plotting now. I need a vacation. frown


Me:31 W:31 D:6
T: 9/2001 M: 1/2009
W unhappy: 6/14
W moves to parents: 10/14
W wants D (angry): 12/14
W okay w/ S: 2/15
W wants D (calm): 2/15
W gets new job/place: 3/15
W admits PA, suggests MC: 8/15
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,121
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Posts: 1,121
Hi,

I am sorry for the situation you are in. Everyone here is right in saying that saving your marriage will require a lot of work on your part.

An intensive with Michele is life changing. You'll want to speak with Virginia regarding the details. If you want to seriously consider an intensive with Michele, Virginia can help you navigate that conversation with your wife. Please call The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 to speak with Virginia.


Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

Last edited by Cristy; 01/22/15 11:39 PM.

A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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