The awakening of ME Part 2

[mleigh4]

Thanks Everyone. I am taking pics of all the rooms. H almost seems scared to take anything, he is consulting with me on every little thing. H said this morning that I caught him off guard last night, but that he also was using gift cards at Khols and Marshall's. He assured me again he is not blowing away money.

Last night I couldn't sleep. I was trying to figure out why I feel so agitated. It's not the move, I am ok with the move and looking forward to my own time and space to think. Then it came to me that it is everything. I get so tired and frustrated with all his energy, time and money being used to run. Instead of facing his issues. The impact of this on all of our lives overwhelms me.

I told H such this morning and added that I am doing my best to deal. He was silent, but I didn't expect a response.

I won't say any more, will focus on getting bills here at the house transferred into my name and prepare to split items up. They are just things, so I am not too worried.

I vaguely remember a lawyer telling me at a previous consult that as soon as he moved into the spare room we were considered separated. I will look into financial protection for myself.

[CaliGuy]

mleigh

I can completely relate to your emotions. I get frustrated when I do not see my MLC'r use the time/energy on doing the work that I have been trying so hard to do. I've been doing alot of reading and thinking ... and I realized that early on I did not handle things the best, I made many DB/MLC mistakes and for some time I beat myself up over that, over not seeing what was going on , but then I realized there was no way I would know, no way I could prevent it. And that brought me to this point .... there is nothing I can do to help W through her tunnel either, she must take that journey and it was impossible for her to start with me in the way. I think you are at that crossroad too. You have to detrach and let him go, he needs to be with his thoughts and figure it out, find his own way out of the tunnel .... you have done a much better job than me at paving the way home .... but he does need to venture out to the woods and find himself.

As far as the finances ... yeah. Protect yourself. My W nest egged about 6k, took all the household belongings ... at the time I shrugged thinking it was a temporary thing ... had no idea MLC was anything more than a 40 year old guy buying a sports car.

You are handling this with grace and dignity, you are being the lighthouse. Hang in there ... keep your side of the street clean, take care of you and yours, that's all we can do at this point .... feels like they are going out to sea on an old ship .. we just have to send them off and pray they can navigate back.

[mleigh4]

Thanks for the support Caliguy.

You had a posting recently from URWorthy that went over letting go, it was amazing. I printed it and read it over and over. The good thing is, it all makes sense to me and does not seem impossible to do anymore. I will stay out of his way while he is on his path, and do my best not to bite when he comes on to my path and steps on my toe!

[mleigh4]

Breathe.....breathe....breathe....

My emotions are running amuck and it's frustrating me.

On Wednesdays, my MIL picks up my S from school for grammy day. Sometimes they go to my house to hang out, and sometimes hers which is about 20 minutes away. When they go to hers, H picks up S because he passes by there on way home. Yesterday, they went to her house, so I TM H that they are there, please pick him up. H replied that he was meeting up with the owner at the house to help him move some stuff out of the barn, but that he could get S and go back if needed. Of course my logical thinking is, why wouldn't he check with me to see if I can pick up S, or have his mom go to my house? When I need to go pick him up, it takes an hour out of my night by the time I get there and get back. I then have dinner, homework, bath..... you guys know the weeknight with kids drill.

So I TM H back saying thanks. A few minutes later, he TM's me that his mom will bring him home to me. So once again, I'm the villian and mommy bails him out of his parental duties.....

MIL brings home S. I did my yoga before real quick, so I was mentally calm to deal with her. On her way out, she said she heard about the move and was so sorry. I assured her that it was ok, actually a good thing. I let her know I am continuing to live my life and enjoy it, and that I am actually very happy in spite of what is going on. I told her I love her son and hope he can find his happiness. I was prepared for this talk and did it exactly the way I wanted, so it went well.

H got home a couple of hours later. You guys.... he just looks exhausted and is spinning more than ever. He brought up the cable I have to get, but can't set up myself because it is in his name and they won't talk to me, so I have to count on him to take care of this....which frustrates me to no end!! Anyway, things got a little heated about the cable and bailing out on his son and man, my spew is coming out. I am really trying to control this, and when I think I am good, it just comes out!

I'm not proud of how I am behaving, I need to get this under control for this next week.... We still need to talk about custody of S and our dog....much more important things than cable.

S H just TM that he set up the cable guy to come out this saturday, for 1 tv. I had already told him several times I want 2. I asked him if he could give the cable company his authorization to talk to me so I can handle it. Haven't heard back from him. It sounds stupid, right? I just like things done right the first time, especially with this kind of stuff. We have to go the local cable office together to have the account changed in my name, that is the long term plan.

I will keep doing my yoga, walking and working on my temper. My emotions are real high right now. It amazes me to see H so concerned about only himself, making sure he is all set and not caring about what is left behind. He has been at the store 4 times this week, and we are out of Milk and cereal, his son's addiction. It hurts.

[job]

You are going to see a lot of his selfishness in the days to come. Why? Because, in his mind, he's already separated and you and your son are now on the back burner. I would suggest that you make a list of the utilities and other bills that need to be transferred to your name and then sit down and discuss w/your h that he must make the calls and authorize that they be placed in your name. The cable one, my xh called and authorized the transfer and I called to accept the transfer. Check w/your utility companies and you might be able to do the same thing.

Breathe! Once your man child finishes up working on his fantasy land palace, things should settle down for you and your son. Right now, it's all about HIM getting his place set up. He's not thinking about anything else. Time to accept the face that his brain is gone and do not rely on him to do the usual things, i.e., picking up son, grocery runs, etc. He's gone for now.

Yes, it hurts terribly that he's acting this way, but it's going to get worse before it gets better. Buckle up and get ready for additional changes along the way. Frustrating? Yes! You can't rely on him for anything from this point on. You've got to learn to accept him for who he is today and not the reliable h you once had.

I'm sorry he's gone off into the wild blue yonder, but he's going to find that the grass isn't any greener in the goat corral.

Once he's on his own, you'll be able to establish how you want things to be w/your son and his grammy day situation, as well as the other day-to-day errands, etc.

Hang in there!

[mleigh4]

I guess I got used to H being a little more like himself these past few months. He was more reliable again, helping with S, and that has all gone out the window.

So I suppose I need to get myself back into survival mode. I figure I need to plan on not being able to count on him for anything, at home, with Son and even our pets. It's probably better off that S stays with me as much as possible right now anyway. H is on the super high spin cycle. The problem is I am not doing so great myself, so I need to pull myself together.

I suppose if I go back to having none of those expectations, then there will be no problem, right!?

I'm super woman and super mom, I can do this. I'll go at lunch and get what groceries we need. I got this.

[mleigh4]

Hi Job. I must have been posting at the same time as you were. I am on the same page as you, and I will expect nothing from him for a while.

I was worried about my kitty while S and I are away next month, but I just set up for my girlfriends daughter to house sit. Huge weight off my mind

[job]

I'm glad you have someone coming in to house sit. Your pets will not be lonely for human companionship, the mail will be brought in and yes, someone actually physically being in the house is so much better than not having anyone at all.

Knowing you have someone house sitting will take a huge weight off your shoulders called worry. You and your son can enjoy yourselves and know everything will be okay.

[mleigh4]

Had a non eventful day yesterday. H ended up adding me as an authorized person on the cable, and during the process, got everything set up for them to come out tomorrow and hook up. Said he wanted me to have to do as little as possible. (no comment) I thanked him. Last night we went over who is taking what tv, couches and bbq.

Isn't it amazing that who has my son and when hasn't come up yet? I was thinking, I may wing the custody thing right now, only because I think H is spinning and will continue to spin as he is setting up his new digs and even if we sit down and plan out a schedule, I have a hard time believing he is able to commit to anything right now.

Anyway, then H went to Costco and stocked up on some stuff that we split up. It was very calm, no fighting.

I have taken a good look at myself and this sitch and this is where I am at:

We are officially separated, this is not just time to think
I don't expect H to stay loyal and faithful to me any longer, and I won't worry about it
I will have no expectations from him at all
I will expect him to say things that he does not mean and that he has no intentions of following through on
I will expect this move out to continue for at least another year, if not longer
I will continue to live my life, to the fullest, and not worry about what happens with H
I accept this is a very long process and I need to focus on myself and my son first and foremost
I will continue to be the lighthouse as best as I can

When I moved out in 2013, I was in such a different place, with hopes of our being apart making H realize he could not live without me. I was terrified he would try dating or seeing someone. I Wondered constantly what he was up to. Boy was I a silly girl. I would get so frustrated, it was all so draining. Not this time. I am so much better prepared and have no doubt that I will be just fine.

I have a work dinner function tonight that I am looking forward to. I get to get dressed up and go to a fancy place..fun! Tomorrow I have cable coming out. Then S and I are going to get us a new tv and couch set to replace what H is taking with him. I feel my PMA is back up and looking forward to getting my home settled back down once H is out.

[job]

Way to go! I'm very proud of you! You've come a long way from last year. You understand MLC better and you know that you and your son can manage just fine w/o him being around.

Enjoy the function this evening and have fun shopping for new things. There are plenty of sales going on right now for furniture and TV's. You should be able to get some good deals.