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#2529488 01/21/15 03:11 PM
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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2528708#Post2528708

Well, I was just wondering why no-one seems to be commenting on my sitch lately, and now realise I am locked!

Above is (hopefully) my last post.

So - here we go - un, dau, tri!


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Drove up to our marital home earlier today. I had a dental appt - last in a series, plus I wanted to call into the house and get some stuff.

Previously, I just took what I needed for now. And it has been nice having fewer posessions. This time, I just packed up all my clothes and will sort them here. Wardrobe there is empty now.

Felt much better being at the house this time - more even. Spent some time with the rabbit. H let me know that the lady can't take her now, so she's staying put.

No news from H since our talk at the weekend. I think I'll just go a bit dim now and enjoy GALing etc for a bit.


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 374
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Good on you toots. Stay strong.
Im feeling low today but just keep telling myself its one foot in front of the other. You just have to keep breathing.


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

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Sounds like you are breathing Toots. Very happy for you!
Enjoy GAL and be strong on the bad days.
Did you do or think anything that kept you going? I am still rock bottom since over a week now. Bad sleep, I don't eat much, my stomach hurts constantly.
Thanks


Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


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Hey Complex - I guess I'm just 6 months further along the process, and feel a bit brighter now. You'll be sounding like this at some point in the future - and gosh I have bad days and good you know.

In the early days, it helped me a lot to read (about what was happening to me). I tried to eat little, often and healthy stuff - but I still lost 15lb after BD. I spent time with family and some close friends who didn't mind what sort of company I was. I gave meditation another try. A lot of people on here find it helps.

Really, at the moment, you are just looking for some respite. Stuff to get you through day by day. Then weeks start to pass, then months. And each month (mostly) is better than the last. It also helped me to find some early GAL activities that I have kept up too. Volunteering in a local charity bookstore has been a great one.

One thing I would say is trust in the process. Not so much to save your M - tho I appreciate this may be part of it - but to save yourself. I find that the longer I stay on the boards, the more I learn. There are some very wise people on here. Like you, I was very focused on my WAS at the start. And I still am to an extent, but that has improved, and I do feel more detached from him and attached to my own life than I did.

At one point, I thought I would hang on for him for ever, if that would be what it took. Now, I think I'll get to a point where I want to move on. I'm not sure when.

You're doing great Complex, and it's good you found these boards. It was a while before I did. Hang on in there!


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Great to hear. I must admit since I found out about affair and admitted myself to cheating I have been on these boards all day every day. I get comfort from knowing its not just me feeling like this and that one day it will all end. I'm still amazed at how many people go through this and that the patterns are always the same. Im only a week in. This morning I felt sh!t. I feel a bit better this afternoon seeing my daughter.


Me:40 W:35
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T:13 M:10
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Moved out and moved on

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Hi toots

Aha new thread set up now! I know exactly what you mean,I've covered Mr fixits appearance in my thread and whilst I'd love w to be wanting to work on things she's not there at the moment, will she be, no idea. Right now I think you're spot on in your advice up above bd is all about getting your own mind and emotions in order, being able to resolve the relationship is a secondary part of it that definitely can't happen unless your own (my own) issues are resolved.


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
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Thanks for your words Toots.
I took a class this morning. But whatever I do, I'm absent.
I realized I'm still very very attached. After I went to bed again, cried and slept. Very depressive. Didn't eat today smirk that's the hardest part. I simply can not eat.
I'll see a doctor on Monday and ask for help. Tomorrow till Sunday I'll be gone for work. I'm very afraid of going.
I'm missing her family too. They are MY family here. I married them too. Mine is far far away and I can't see them.
I know it's going to take so many months....scares me so bad. I'm not going to make it without therapy and friends.
The board here keeps me alive. I read all day every day. Sometimes I'm sitting here refreshing my browser in the hope soneone answered to my posts..like now, no answer in a day^^.

I don't think anyone could do what my W is doing to me if they could emphasize the pain, just be in my head for one single day.

But I have to survive. There might be a good life waiting for me one day frown


Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


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Good idea to see your doctor and talk about how you are sleeping and eating. Most people struggle with both for a time after BD. Make looking after yourself a priority. Buy some food that you do fancy and have snacks. Dried fruit and nuts are good as high cal, or yoghurt/smoothies.

You would make it without friends & counselling, but call on both. I saw a counsellor from Sept to Jan, and it was helpful. Also, try and find activities that do take your mind off things. Notice what helps and do more of that. Manual activities can be pretty good. I renovated some furniture in the garage, and that helped.

It's good that you're doing a class. As time goes on, your concentration will improve. You may also want to think about keeping a journal. I poured a lot into mine in the early days. Though I haven't written there so much recently. I also have a gratitude pot, and put slips of paper in with things I am grateful for. It is easy to get so consumed by our sitches and forget that our lives continue to be blessed in many lovely ways.

It's tempting to just wait for replies to your sitch, but have a really good look at the forum and see who's who. When did they join? What happened with them? You'll see that there are lots of infidelity sitches in Newcomers too.

So, for now, just try and get yourself to a steadier place and keep your head above water.

I truly promise you that if you put your heart and soul into DBing - of course partly to try and save your marriage - you will truly save yourself, and you will be here in a few months time feeling much better, and that you have come a long way.

T x


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Hey chin up complex. We're all in the same boat. We have to support each other. I've felt sh1t all day till my daughter came home. We then did homework tea and bath with some music so we could both sing. It took the pain away at least for a while. I'm currently sat here looking at houses to rent. I've been thinking about the stuff that I want to do. Start running again great for getting frustration out. Paint again. Might learn to play and instrument. Do loads of stuff with my daughter. My wife isn't home. Me mopping about it won't change that. I know at the end of this I'll be a better person what ever happens.


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

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Well, new GAL activity for me tonight...yoga class. Really enjoyed it. Nice teacher and feel very mellow now. Made a bit of an error though - told him I had done some yoga before (true) then ended up being the one lagging behind, or with arms in the wrong place etc...Next week, I'll enrol on a course of five classes.

Feeling thoughtful, having been in our marital home today, and talked to H last weekend. He told me he was away alone for the weekend 'thinking about his life.' Does he find it odd that I don't ask him - how did that go?

He does sound a bit low lately. I'm not sure things are working out the way he hoped. I have no idea what will happen.

Today, our house was a bit forlorn looking. The Xmas tree is still up - but looks as though it was only ever half decorated, and there was a half empty bag of baubles sitting next to it...Shame, it was always a lovely family home, and now it just feels a bit unloved. A place of sadness..


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Sorry to hear that toots sounds melancholy.

Yup been that kind of day here too, lots of work and spoke to w but she just seems so far away right now even in the same room a bit like looking in the wrong end of the binoculars.

I'm glad you got more time with bunny though and as for yoga I'd have ended up like a pretzel so dont worry wink


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
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Toots

Just made it through your thread. Sat at work eating sandwiches and tackling a clients tax that a previous accountant made a complete hash of.

My Xmas decks still not put away (packed up) as so busy at work!

H does nothing like that, so looking forward to February 1 but a lot of work up till then and that is all I am doing plus a little posting on this board. Very tired tonight and extremely envious of your GAL.

Sometimes there appears to be movement with H but I have learned to observe and note but not ponder upon it. Actually H thinks about his life a lot, his golf, his sky sport and his beer. Occasional dabble with an OW and a great deal of hidden gambling activity. H has given up telling me stories now, as I merely validate the truth and STFU on what I know are untruths.

It is curious your H has to go away alone to think about his life. Very odd thing to say, even V would have bitten her tongue on that one. I dare say it will unravel at some point.

Sleep well dear Toots, snow is forecast overnight and it is certainly cold.

Vanilla


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Hey toots. Well done on the yoga. I definitely want to throw myself back into doing things. I've been a shell of my former self for far too long. I agree with what the vets say about gift of time. It will be a gift as I can then do stuff that I want to do. Selfish.? Yes but then I have given a lot of time to my wife and marriage to end up here. I need to get my self worth back. All you guys keep me going.


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

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When it comes to jewellery toots if you like to and want to wear it.

I wore a pendant h bought on one of our trips, I got a huge amount of compliments on it. It really worked with that outfit. You know what it belongs to me I can wear it if I want and only I know it has any sentimental value and the story attached to it.

I almost wore my wedding rings from xh that day too! But I thought I might see him and they mean a huge amount to him. In fact the fact I did wear them occasionally always fuelled his fire that I was returning. I now only wear them when he cannot see.

I picked and paid for them so why should I not wear them occasionally


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
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Thanks for all the comments and support guys! I left the car packed up today, so need to bring the stuff up into the flat and go through it.

Thanks Edz. Yes I did (do?) feel a bit melancholy. I have a mental image now of our forlorn lounge. When I first met H (a year after his separation) his house was really messy. I see ours starting to head in the same way & it worries me a bit - especially if we decide to sell it.

V - thanks for taking the time to read my sitch, in amongst your great busyness (end January not too far away now!) I liked your comment....I dare say it will unravel at some point....it reminds me not to ruminate on it all too much. I have been feeling pretty 'shruggy shouldered' about him lately, but being closer to things again (talk & house) has him on my mind again. I'll get busy & it will pass & I'll say your comment to myself.

Thanks GG. I think for now, any stuff I'm unsure about, I'll put in my 'not sure' suitcase, which already contains my wedding dress and jacket. And I'll come back to it at a later time. H often bought me clothes and jewellery for Xmas & Birthdays, and some of the things I feel fine about wearing. Others not. I'm not sure why, but I just have an instinctive reaction to them.

Have a good day all xx


Last edited by Toots; 01/22/15 09:05 AM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Hey toots

Sentimental things are painful. It reminds of how good things were once.
Why dont you just put stuff like that away and then revisit at a later date when things are less painful.
Whats the saying about making decisions in haste.


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

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So, been out GALing this afternoon at the charity bookstore. Learned how to cash up this pm - which was pretty complicated I can tell you. I took loads of notes, and hope not to bring the Oxfam financial systems to a standstill when I cash up next week.

Interesting development this afternoon. I saw a Relate counsellor from Sept to Jan - which was very helpful. I told her about an infidelity support group I was attending in London (it has folded now.) She thought it would be great to set one up locally and mentioned it to her regional manager. I dropped this lady an email a while ago, but she didn't come back to me, so I pretty much gave up on it.

But, today I had an email from her to say they are really interested in setting up a local group and would I come over and meet her and their clinical manager to discuss it further. Feeling quite excited now....I'll keep you posted!


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Good on you


Me:40 W:35
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T:13 M:10
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PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

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That sounds great Toots, GAL in the most positive way possible by the sounds of it.

I'd love to work in a book store, if I was ever rich I'd own one as the kind I'd run wouldnt make that much money probably. Think a 1900s warren with spiral staircase to an impossible number of floors and wall ladders and an old knowledge smell.

Love books, you may be able to tell smile

No time right now with my week and then the weekend with s, if I had my time again I'd be an archivist specialising in rare recordings and books and digital preservation - much too late now though as the training alone can take a decade.

I'll just have to settle for my own digital archive here and spending time in book shops smile


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
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Toots

Tell me a little more about the group. Is it similar to a twelve steps group. one room for those having the A, and one for the SO?

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Thanks SRD, Edz and V.

Edz, I always wanted to work in a bookstore too - so this GAL is fulfilling a dream for me - even though I don't get paid. Funny, I have a friend who's training to become an archivist. She was talking to me about digital archiving, saying many of the archivists struggle with it as they love the old paper stuff so much.

V, the group I went to was mostly LBS. WAS could go, and we did have one guy who came, but LBS and WAS couldn't come as a couple. At the start of the group, we talked to our neighbour about our sitch, and some themes were then shared and put on the flipchart. Then the group decided which themes to discuss, and explored these together for an hour or so. It was very helpful - most of the attendees were piecing, but I started going a few weeks after BD.

It was run by Andrew G Marshall, London based author and marital therapist.

Have a good day all!


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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I have some of his books.

Sounds like a couple of good developments for you there. that support group could be an interesting development (limit your expectations though)

If you get a chance i'd be interested if you could elaborate how it worked a bit more, the sort of questions you asked/were asked etc.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
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Busy day for me today - GALing at a calligraphy workshop. I have been to a few of these in recent months, and am getting to know the group a little better.

I can be a bit quiet and self-contained if I don't know people, but I made an effort to chat to a couple of new people today and it was very nice. I'd like to get better at connecting with people. Sometimes, I focus too much on what people might think of me, and that means I withdraw a little in fear - and then I don't establish connections with them, which was what I had feared in the first place.

Something for me to work on some more I think. I do have some close friends, but they aren't in this area, and I would like to make new friends here too.

Feeling a bit negative about H at the moment. Remembering how he told me our R was 'perfect' after I discovered his EA. But at that point he had decided to start 'dating' women when he was working away. Then he told me how overwhelmed with love he was for me and wanted us to renew our marriage vows, then 2 weeks later his EA turned into a PA. I haven't felt that angry lately, but I felt angry today thinking of this. I do feel he didn't give us an opportunity to work on things and that he just checked out of our M without really telling me he was unhappy with 'us.' I know this happens in a lot of cases.

Did my bashing of pillows on the bed with a rolled up newspaper trick which helped. Other than that, all's well with me this weekend.

Toots :-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Evening toots

Calligraphy sounds interesting, artistic illumination or more of the flowing lettering? I don't have the fine motor control for it myself (motorcycle accident in my teens and other fun left me with a multiple fractured and healed hand) admire anyone who can do it though it can be quite beautiful.

The pillow idea is great, if you're cooking anything that needs tenderising thats helpful too smile


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
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Hi Edz

I like illumination mostly, and I've done a few illuminated letters for people on special occasions. It was my Dad's 80th last year and I did one for him. He was very pleased and visitors often get shown it, which is nice.

Today we were learning how to use gold leaf, which was great for me. I used gold paint for the letters I did, but being able to use leaf instead is great.

Thanks for the tenderising tip. I'm vegetarian though....I could end up with a lot of mashed dinners doing that...;-)

Hope you have a nice breakfast tomorrow!

Toots :-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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You can do crushed veg and roast it as well smile


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
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Toots - I'm trying to catch up on your thread, sitch. You seem like you're in a pretty good place right now?

You posted something on Calibri's about the 6 issues, and offered to post more if there was interest - I'm definitely interested if you can find time to share more.


Mid 30's
Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH
D 9/15; NC forever on

You can't DR your way out of abuse.



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Toots, please post more about the six issues. It's probably too late for me, but I would love to see it.


M:32,H 32
T:10, M5
BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger
H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15
Served D Papers: 10/15
Divorced: 11/15
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Hi ladies. Thanks for stopping by. No problem, I'll have another look at that chapter and post the strategies for dealing with it - next instalment to follow shortly!

And Calibri, it isn't too late for you unless you decide that. This may feel like the point of no return, but it may just be a set back from which you can recover.

I'm away from home tonight, but will post again later today.

Toots x


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Toots

Just checking in with you and making sure my lovely Toots is getting plenty of GAL!

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Hello V, thanks for checking in. Yes, a couple of GAL activities for me this weekend. I went to a calligraphy workshop all day Saturday. Really enjoyed that. Yesterday was a big 'catch up on jobs' day - did 3 loads of washing, cleaned out the car etc.

I also went to see my Mum, who had dementia and is in respite care this week, whilst Dad is away for a break. She is always very pleased to see me. Her whole face lights up and she grabs a hold of me. Yesterday, she was sitting next to a lovely lady called Evelyn. I say she's lovely, because she said to me 'you're beautiful, you are.' Very nice, because I truly wasn't looking my best. I said "thank you very much" to her, and she said "don't thank me, I'm just being honest with you." Gave me a bit of a boost...

Sunday nights I go to Aqua Aerobics, which is good fun. All ladies, and we gallop around the pool using big foamy objects for various things. All very undignified, but good for a laugh. Working from home this morning, and volunteering at the charity bookstore later. Today I get to cash up! V - the end of the month is just around the corner now....just a few more days, and then will you get to take a little time off??


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Toots, what does cash up mean?


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Hi Twin mom. Cashing up involved emptying the till, completing our 'takings' paperwork and banking the money. It all went smoothly today!


T 13 M 7
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Twin

Its quite big cheese stuff, one of the most important and responsible jobs in the shop. I know because I have clients who cant do this properly.

Toots

Yes, I surely am, rest will be de rigour for a couple of days.

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Well, not much happening in my sitch lately. Since my chat with H 10 or so days ago, we've had NC. I have been pretty busy. Done lots of bookshop volunteering as the boss is away this week. Also enjoying my new yoga class, have continued with aqua aerobics and calligraphy....working, looking after Mum etc..

Had a chat with my boss today. He has decided to let their other freelancer go, but he thinks there should be work for me for some months to come - good news for me. I have been writing some HR policies for them (my field). But their finance director liked my (policy writing) style and suggested I may want too help them out too...Good news, because she was querying his expenditure on 'me' recently.

Goodness me, there seem to have been bombs dropping all over the forum recently. Maybe that's usual for January? A few people have written about '6 monthers' and I identify with the comments. I do think you start to turn a corner at this point. For me, as H & I have so little contact, it is easier not to feel 'attached.' We have had no R as such, for a good while now. And part of me finds it hard to even imagine being M to him again. If he were sitting here on the couch smiling at me, that might be different though.

I have also got to the point where I feel less 'in crisis' and am enjoying aspects of my single life. I feel lonely sometimes, but I think you just need to keep connecting with others, and planning things, doing GAL etc. It is nice to only have 'me' to think of for a while.

So, I guess I'm doing okay for now - but I'm also conscious that 'my turn' is probably just around the corner.....


T 13 M 7
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Hey

Good on you toots. Your life sounds busy which is great. I think about the 6 month mark and wonder where I'll be. Not here anyway. I feel a bit better each day but with some hard weeks ahead I know it won't be easy.

Lot of bombs going off. I think your right, it's that time of year. I'm glad I didn't find out till after Xmas. It would have been ruined.

Keep up the good work. I'm sure you'll handle any curve balls thrown with the grace you have already


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Glad to hear toots. It sounds like NC is going well for you and you are doing a good job taking care of yourself.
I wish I could say the same of myself. Living with W under one roof doesn't make it easy but I'm hanging in there. Today first time contact W's family in over 6 weeks. Dinner at her grandmas. I'm a little scared...doesn't help detachng but if I'm strong I'll benefit from it.


Me 32 (German) Wife 28
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Hi toots

Yes January hasn't been the most fun month it seems. I believe its also noted as the least "cruel" month for potential was's to go, personally dont think any such thing is possible but there we are.

As to sitches here yup there's been some cr@ppy developments and some drama and angst, enough of me this week though.... wink

Hang in there toots you're doing fab, never question the smooth sailing moments doesn't mean there's a storm ahead always!


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As you may recall, when we S, I left our marital home and stayed with my parents for a 5 months before renting this flat. We have a family home and a business flat in the city - both of which H use atm. Neither are in locations where I want to be right now.

H paid me some cash for a 6 month rental, and told me I need to be self sufficient after that. Apart from that comment, he's been pretty helpful about money, and we still have an active joint account that only he pays into and I use on a modest basis with his agreement. I have funds for another 9-12 months or so of renting.

I'm working on a freelance basis for old friends, which has been great. The earnings are covering my non-rent living expenses. The work is flexible and I'm enjoying it. It keeps my hand in professionally - but means I don't have to do my usual 'stressful' work for a bit. Plus, what I'm doing will 'read' well if/when I look for more permanent work.

I know returning to my 'home town' where I was born, and near my parents, has been good emotionally for me. I don't know how I would have coped otherwise. In hindsight, I'm also glad that SS hasn't been disrupted from his weekend home.

But, the clock is ticking. Financially, I'd like to be in a position to buy somewhere later this year. But I'm worried about opening up the money discussion with H, as it may lead to the D discussion. Equally, it feels unfair for him to remain in our marital home, which we bought and own 50/50 in the longer term.

So, it's a bit of a push (financial), pull (emotional) situation and I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to push for financial reasons if I'm not emotionally ready. Equally, I don't want to be financially insecure in the much longer term. L advice is that we could seek to agree S terms, but the only way to 'force' a settlement of £ matters is through D proceedings. Any thoughts?


T 13 M 7
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Toots

I am quite tough on sorting out fins. It is part of being assured and I think important. H is comfortably living in your old joint home. Especially if there is a mortgage and you are paying that. The only good news might be equity growth.

My H is living in the house I owned before I met him, as am I. After speaking to L I have been told that as I have assets and a business H has a good claim even though we have only been M for one year plus. So I agreed a fixed settlement figure with him, to be paid when the house is sold. It suits me to move and to agree the sum. it is generous. H was horrid to start with but it settled down. Now that I have an agreement I know that I can let H S or D taking the attitude H if you want to then ok but I will not help you on this path.

It has actually eased the emotional stress for me. H does not pay his share of the bills which is unfair and causing me to have to work very long hours. My fins are very stressed until I can sell the house. But at least I know the bottom line.

If you are holding on to your H ( or trying to) by dismissing your rights to an early fins settlement, then you are doing yourself a disfavour. Making H face the full consequences of his actions may not happen if he is comfortable financially.

Take extra L advice dear brave Toots so you know what your position is. Chose a specialist, have your docs organised and some basic asset and income schedules. You can do this sensible step.

We are here to talk you through it.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 01/29/15 10:32 PM.

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Hi Toots,

Vanilla's advice is sound.

In my cirumstance there were only two things that i decided to be firm on and stand my ground
1) that i would have equal custody of the kids
2) the financials would be sorted and it would be a clean break

I tackled this out fairly early and but getting a final agreement was pushed all the way until a week before my W moved. And its fair to say that she is really angry about it and feels i have stolen her money. Theres a lot more too it than that but doesnt matter here.

anyway we quickly came to an agreement that I would buy her equity in the house off of her (for a figure which was both the maximum i could raise and roughly 50% of the equity) and that everything else would be a clean break with debts laying where they lay. Now in truth this is a lot worse for me than it really should have been given she is leaving me and committing adultery but in the scheme of things pretty reasonable.

Now you might not want to go down that but I think its worth your time to work through what all the assets/liabilities that are between you and see what outcomes you think works best (lump sum vs spousal maintenance etc.)

as a starting point and sorry if you know this but you need to consider (vanilla can add)

Properties
Investments and annuities
Cars
Pensions
Income
Credit Cards and other debts

Roughly speaking add all this up and divide by two and thats what you should end up with in lump sum terms. Even if you do nothing with the information is useful for your own information and to an extent peace of mind if things do start getting difficult.


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An M of 5 years would be considered 'short' in the UK. This would mean that you would identify the assets you both took in to the M (poss beginning of R) and the assets acquired in the period. As there are no children between you as I understand it then the courts will look to 'clean' break with a single settlement.

In essence a mathematical style calc, most accountants can do it. I got 5 valuations on the houses, ignored highest and lowest and averaged the remaining three. Then pensions growth for me and H. Calc was difficult because H had gambled his assets so had to put a value on that as if he had kept them. Then I worked a value and added 25% to make it acceptable. H spewed but agreed as he knew it was generous. L said generous. Drafted it up we signed and that was it. House is on the market and I will chase as soon as January is done.

That is how I do this when preparing divorce schedules for clients. Valuing business is the hard part and in long marriages making discounted cash flow calcs for lost earnings for the stay at home spouse. In addition looking at the tax effects of pensions and asset sharing. Moving assets between H and W are capital gains tax free in the UK but that is not necessarily the case when spouses separate under such circumstances as are likely to become permanent.

https://www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/323664/hs281_2013.pdf

So for wealthy clients it makes sense to do the S fins and S at the start of a tax year. V will organise her S on the 6 April giving her a whole year to separate fins and assets. 6 April being start of tax year in UK. (Joking of course!). House is always CGT free if it is main res of either spouse, normally for 3 years after WAS leaves.

Hope that helps Toots. A good L can help.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 01/30/15 02:16 AM.

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Thanks very much for your replies. I'm going to ring the L today and make an appointment. I've decided on three principles:

I don't want to file for D
I want to stabilise my finances for a good while (next few years)
I don't want to prejudice a future full financial settlement

I came into our R with substantial equity from the sale of my previous home. This was used as a 50% down payment for our main home, which we jointly own outright - no mortgage. My L has advised that this sum of money should be confirmed as a non-marital asset, as it was built purely out of my efforts prior to our R.

Ideally, I would like this to be acknowledged and that sum released for my use, without prejudicing any future settlement of our marital assets. It would enable me to buy a flat here, and not have to rent in the longer term.

This is what I would like to talk to the L about before I approach H. She may advise me to fully settle all £ matters now.....but we'll see what she says. And I want to understand the risks of not doing that. I'll keep you posted &Thanks again. T xx


T 13 M 7
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Hi Toots

That sounds very sensible.

I was the other side of this equation in having to release the equity. I wanted and my solicitor was very clear in her advice that I shouldnt make any substantial payment unless it was part of a complete settlement. I wanted this as I can only afford the loan in the knowledge that no further financial claims will be made.

your H's position might be different so he may be amenable to an agreement that releases some of your final settlement now but unless this is only a small part of the likely overall settlement there is a good chance his lawyer will recommend it is either some kind of trade off or that all the finances are agreed.

My wife despised me doing this as she wanted it solely about the house and she got pretty irrational about some of it as she felt vulnerable. I'm saying this as finances seem to be something that can provoke quite a lot (dont not protect yourself though)

the other thing to keep in mind is that under UK law the agreements are good for showing intent but they can be overridden by court order as part of the decree absolute.

Speaking to your lawyer is a really good idea because then you'll know where you stand and they know what you want to acheive. And by the way i would tell your lawyer your three principles.

hope it goes well


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Thanks Jim. I have rung the solicitor and I'm waiting for a call back. I'll try and get an appt next week. I feel happy within myself about not filing for D and taking steps to restore financial stability. But I worry that - when we bring H into the mix - these two principles won't be compatible.

Ideally I would like confirmation that the £175k I bought into the R is a non-marital asset and for that to be released to me for my use ahead of any future settlement. I would also like some kind of limit to be imposed on his moving funds around on the basis that I may have an interest in these. These aims might be wildly optimistic - IDK.

I can't see any benefits to him of resolving our finances right now, or releasing some funds to me in a partial settlement. I would be better off and he worse off than now. Why would he do this without the lever of D? Unless he wants to be helpful - which is pretty unlikely, if we think about the mindset of WAS's in general - although my H is generally a decent person.

I know that he believes half the marital home will be the sum of my settlement, so he'll get a shock if I seek that as a starting point. I know he's also worried about job security and the downturn in his industry. So, he's probably pretty sensitive about money. I know he also thinks I should just go out, get a 'proper' job and support myself independently of him now - so I doubt he's going to be amenable, and I could just end up investing in legal fees without any success.

But, I think for me the financial side is now quite pressing. When I was up at the house last week, there were a couple of bits of post lying around to do with the dissolution of a couple of his companies. So, I'm conscious that he is probably doing things with funds that I have no idea about - and that these funds could be classed as marital assets - IDK.

Still, not much I can do for now ahead of hearing from the L. At least I now have my principles as a starting point and we'll take it from there...


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toots

can i just ask, why didi you move out?


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So, the L just called me back & asked me to set out what I hope to do in an email. Here is what I have sent.

Thanks for the recent meeting. I have had a think about what I would like to do, and there are some principles I want to work with:

1. I don't want to file for divorce at this point
2. I do need to resolve my financial instability
3. I want to do this in a minimal, simple, constructive way if possible
4. I don't want to jeopardise a full financial settlement in the event we divorce
5. I want to protect my interest in 'marital assets' going forwards

What I have in mind for now is the release of a 'pot' of money that I brought into the relationship (equity from the sale of my previous home.) Ideally, I would like this sum confirmed as a non-marital asset and released to me now for my use. It was used as a down payment for our marital home.

I would also like for restrictions to be agreed on the movement/disposal of funds that may be marital assets, and in which I may have an interest.

If we could meet to discuss the viability of this (or a similar) plan, I would be grateful. I haven't discussed this with my husband yet, and have no idea how amenable he may be. Before I raise it with him, I want to be sure that it is a reasonable way for me to proceed.


T 13 M 7
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Hi SRD. I moved to that area to join H. At BD, I went to stay with my parents for a bit - feeling devastated/traumatised etc. As things played out, I realised I couldn't bear to return to that area or our marital home.

So, I stayed with my parents for a few months and then decided to rent a flat here - 2 hours away. It may not have been the best decision financially....but I made it in crisis mode, and now I have to work with it. A good thing about the decision is that SS has been able to remain in our marital home.

My sitch is different to many/most as H and I have no choldren together.


T 13 M 7
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thanks for clarifying.

Even though our house is jointly owned it doesnt feel like mine anymore. And certainly not the bedroom as im on the couch. I know what you mean about not bearing to be there. hopefully ill be gone soon. It will be hard on our daughter but i have to remember this is not what i chose. This is my wifes decision. My decision to move is so to cause as least upset as possible to our daughter.
I recently restored a relationship with my dad 30 years after he and my mum divorced very badly. I didnt see him for a very long time. I now feel closer to him than my mum. The truth has a funny way of coming out eventually and what i was told for many years by my mum and her family is only one side. Growing up i never realised this.


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Originally Posted By: Vanilla
House is always CGT free if it is main res of either spouse, normally for 3 years after WAS leaves.

V


Vanilla, we rent out the house we own and rent another to live in. We want to sell our house. Would we be liable for CGT?

If so, if I move back in, do you know if that makes it not liable from then on?

Sorry to but in Toots.


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If you rent out your property then the CGT on the period for rental, there is relief given for the period it was your own occupancy.

If you would kindly give me a couple of days I will outline a basic comp for you or point you in the direction. I will also reread your threads to make sure I have grasped your position. I am assuming that you are a UK National and were born here as was your dad. (nerd alert)

Three issues
1. transfer of assets between W & H and the timing (asset held jointly or in common)
2. 3rd party disposal of asset which has a rented period
3. Divorce settlements and movement of assets

Hope this link helps in the meantime:

https://www.gov.uk/tax-sell-property

and this one

http://www.theguardian.com/money/2014/feb/12/how-calculate-capital-gains-tax-sell-home

Vanilla

Last edited by Vanilla; 01/30/15 05:22 PM.

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V I think of you as many things, nerd isnt one of them smile


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BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
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V - you are very knowledgeable indeed & thanks for the advice when we know you are so busy.....January almost over!

OD - no problem for butting in...interesting to see the answer :-)


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Thanks V.
Yes, all UK.
We lived in from Jun 2003 - Jan 2012 and rented it since then.


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Hi Toots

sounds like your finances are a lot more involved than mine (almost all our money went on s's school fees so we have lots of debt but no properties or large assets) I took on almost all the debt and so am struggling although I'm trying to re factor best I can.

Anyway not about me, with all this, are you doing ok emotionally with it? I think I picked up its a bit of a cause of apprehension, did the talk with the L help at all to settle it?


M:44, W:46, S:10
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BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
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I'm not sure Edz. I think if I left it purely to emotion, I would wait much longer than this.

But the fact is, I have enough money for rent for the next 9-12months, and then I run out of cash, unless I earn more. So, I do need to take steps to resolve this. Maritally, we are pretty wealthy, and I also brought significant funds into the R. So, my current situation is a bit ludicrous really - particularly given the cause...

Problem is, I worry H will just say no to separation arrangements. Then I would need to decide, do I file or just live with the financial uncertainty for a bit. My Dad has kindly offered to help - but my parents shouldn't need to do that you know?

I haven't spoken to the L since I saw her a couple of weeks ago, so i'll wait and see what she advises.


T 13 M 7
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Originally Posted By: Old Dog
Thanks V.
Yes, all UK.
We lived in from Jun 2003 - Jan 2012 and rented it since then.


Sell now then About 1.5 years out of 12 for CGT before reliefs. Take gross gain (net sales less net purchase) multiply by 1.5 divided by 12. Owned jointly so half in each return OD and W. Each half treat separately. Look to letting relief. Then annual CGT allowance.

You move back in then your half continues to get PPR, say you live there until 2019 then your CGT portion is 3 out of 16. W half 5.5 out of 16. Letting relief also applies then annual allowace.

Buy W out in tax year of separation no CGT for W (no gain no loss rules between H and W.) you inherit CGT cost of W. Buy W out in later tax year, W pays own CGT and her half is then 100% CGT free for you as you acquired half as PPR and her half PPR throughout as you live there.

V


Last edited by Vanilla; 01/30/15 09:41 PM.

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Should have said buy W out through settlement, so W part of asset transferred. Sorry tired.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 01/31/15 04:05 AM.

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Didn't get the best sleep last night - awake from 2-4 with H/finance going around in my mind. I can feel myself getting more stressed - having been in a relatively calm place recently.

But it has to be done, and I just need to see what the L says and come up with a plan. There is a pull of emotions and practicality here. And I know that for self preservation (financially) practicality needs to win out.

I guess emotionally, I would rather not 'take H on' about this. I would rather not have to engage with him on what I feel will be difficult stuff. I would rather stay in my place of relative peace. I worry that he will tell me our M is over and he wants a D. I worry that this will lead to the sale of our marital home. All fear talking - and I know the M is dead in the water effectively anyway...

I'll get there, and I know it has to be done. I just have to put on my BGPs, and my business head and deal with it. I'll feel better once it is resolved and I'm secure financially and with "choices" independent of H.

Off to GAL lunch with my BF and her S today. H and finance can go firmly on the back burner!


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

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Hi toots

Sorry its all been playing on your mind, can understand it though comes in waves get wound up on an aspect of it all and thats resolved or passes then get a respite of calm and the next thing comes along.

Each time the dip seems shallower though, don't know if you find that.

Think putting it on the back burner for lunch was a good move. Hope you had a nice time.


Last edited by edz; 02/01/15 12:07 AM.

M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
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Why, oh why does that musing happen at night?

Must research the biochemistry of that, could be revealing?

Any answers from Team DB?

V


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Been working this morning, and lunch is on the go now. Bookstore volunteering this pm and mum-sitting after that. No response from the L yet.

Someone posted an interesting comment on their thread about emotional immaturity. I think most LBS's here on the forum develop greater emotional maturity, just to get through the crisis, and in our desire to save ourselves and if possible the M.

Since I read this comment (by complex?) I have been thinking about how emotionally immature my H has been - telling me by email about his A, telling others our R is over, but not me, not expressing his needs/concerns before walking away...

Is that a product of becoming a WAS, or possible MLC? Was he always that way? In any case, it does create a mismatch in that the LBS has moved forwards in EM and the WAS not so, or even moved backwards..

Just journaling what's been on my mind recently. Hope everyone is having a good Monday!


T 13 M 7
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SS 15
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Hi Toots

busy with work and still mulling (not obsessing) about yesterday but not too bad.

I think you're right about the above, certainly I think we have to face our own demons about fears that we had before and after bd and what role we played in it all if any (obviously not in all sitches) and how to make ourselves better regardless of our was's.

Enjoy your day, will catch you later

Edz

Just noticed I bust the 1k posts mark today, wow...

Last edited by edz; 02/02/15 01:52 PM.

M:44, W:46, S:10
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BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
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and a big chunk of those are about food smile

I think everyone is emotionally immature until they have a reason to grow up. Some people do it gradually others its a big change.

Personally i feel that I have emotionally matured a lot in the last few months because I chose to in an effort to save my marriage. I could have taken very different routes through all of this and at times i nearly have until I've stopped to think why am i doing XYZ?

dont get me wrong plenty of times my emotions have got the better of me and i've said something hurtful or pursued in a way i shouldnt or simply let my flight reflex win.

Any time my wife has got upset at me she has shut down or called me names. My IC has said (based on my description) she is behaving like a teenager

Hope you had a good afternoon. You cashing up again?


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Mooorninnggg Toots

Hows it going? How was the bookstore were you on cashing up again?


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M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
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I did cash up again gents - thanks for asking. We were a £1 down, but no-one seemed too concerned about that. I was there again this morning. Just having some lunch now and then need to log on to work this pm.

Heard back from the L - she would like to see me following my email, so I"m waiting for a call back from them. It won't be until a couple of weeks though, due to her busy diary.

Hope you're having a good day? T x


T 13 M 7
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SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
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Hi Toots

bah! work...same old but from home today (split yesterday, office tomorrow) was snowing this morning with about 3 inches settled on the ground, knowing the wonderful standard of driving and panic that drivers round here get into I thought, yup, hot coffee and the PC from home today smile

I'm ok 'suppose. No changes really just getting on smile

Looking at gyms tonight, online if the snows there may take a trip up to a couple if not.

Last edited by edz; 02/03/15 01:36 PM.

M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
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We are snowed in but old 4x4 has done the job getting to work.

Tidying up and a lot to do.

Viewings on House which is very out of order and needs a good dust and clean because of year end. May need to take a day off tomorrow to make it presentable. Things are moving forward.

V


Last edited by Vanilla; 02/03/15 02:40 PM.

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Ya, that was me posting the comment about E immaturity. But actually is was my W showing me this, wanting to show me that I am emotional immature.
But I'm not sure how much she is regarding how she handled the situation. I'm over the blaming game, but she just made things muchhh worse by lying and trying to not 'hurt' me.
Too many mistakes we both made. I have a hard time to forgive. And now it's too little and too late.


Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


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V, snowed in!! Lucky you... everywhere seems to be getting snow but here and I want some!

Complex, thanks for posting that info, I read it and mulled it over for a couple of days.

Edz - mundanish day for me too - tho enjoyed volunteering this am. No cashing up tho - that only happens in the afternoon. But I did get to open the store today...Toots is a senior volunteer now!

No GALing or parent-sitting for me tonight. Worked until around 5, then went for a little walk, meditated and dinner is in the oven. Just having a little sherry whilst it cooks. New recipe tonight - sweet potato gratin with cream, lime, chilli, garlic and peanuts - we'll see how it works out. For any veggies out there, I'm pleased with my River Cottage Veg Everyday recipe book...from the charity bookstore of course!

All quiet on the H front. No texting or anything for over a week now. In a way it's peaceful for now. I know we are going to link soon on financials - and that may not be so peaceful - I should make the most of it.

Texted H's XW tonight to see if she and SS fancy a little visit over half term. Not sure what their plans are. They sometimes go away that break, so we'll see. Will be nice to see them if they're about.

That's about it from me for now.....:-)


T 13 M 7
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Originally Posted By: Toots
Been working this morning, and lunch is on the go now. Bookstore volunteering this pm and mum-sitting after that. No response from the L yet.

Someone posted an interesting comment on their thread about emotional immaturity. I think most LBS's here on the forum develop greater emotional maturity, just to get through the crisis, and in our desire to save ourselves and if possible the M.

Since I read this comment (by complex?) I have been thinking about how emotionally immature my H has been - telling me by email about his A, telling others our R is over, but not me, not expressing his needs/concerns before walking away...

Is that a product of becoming a WAS, or possible MLC? Was he always that way? In any case, it does create a mismatch in that the LBS has moved forwards in EM and the WAS not so, or even moved backwards..

Just journaling what's been on my mind recently. Hope everyone is having a good Monday!


In my wife's case, she has definitely moved backward in emotional maturity. So she will have some catching up to do.

Glad we have no snow here!


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
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There was the tiniest dusting of snow round here, maybe half a centimetre. bet we still had some people say they were snowed in though. I think i'm in a similar part of the UK to you Toots

congrats on the senior volunteer. its good your able to do so much good.

enjoy your peace (and sherry)


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See, everyone gets snow apart from me! I'm in Staffordshire Jim. It's funny, before I moved back here, it seemed I was always talking to my Dad about big snowfalls here, when we didn't get any. Now I'm back here.....nothing....oh well, the winter isn't over just yet. Toots lives in hope!


T 13 M 7
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you've got a snowdome in staffordshire, so you can always fake it.


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All snow down here in Dorset melty away.......


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
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Having a slow start this morning. In bed with some toast and the ipad. Had a late call to M&D's last night. Dad was out and Mum's bed alarm went off - means she's up and about and someone needs to be there. Didn't get home until midnight, then hard to get off to sleep. Can't complain though. I've been 'on call' a few nights a week like this since I moved to the flat, and this is the first 'call out' I've had.

Going to call the L again today and make that appt. Feel I want to move forward with what I've started. I just want to get to a point of clarity on what I'm proposing to H. You know, I feel UK law doesn't really help those who want to S, but not D....but we'll just see how we get on.

Going to do some work today around a dentist appt later. Then yoga GAL tonight.
Have a good day everyone!


T 13 M 7
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SS 15
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Hi Toots, dont get the toast and ipad mixed up or that dentist appointment may be a bit more than you expected wink

Slow starts, ahh remember those... with s at weekends and work nope not happening (well last week spent 48 hours pretty much in bed but was a sicky person - sympathy held up on queue cards in audience)

I know what you mean on UK law. We seem to have poor system all in to be honest. Its labyrinthine and at the same time seems to be very badly skewed to making money for legal professionals.

In some ways Im glad we dont have the 48 hour options some countries do but the pick one of the above options or 2/5 year wait system and, as you say, no legal options to stay married but separated dont really help anyone. Anyway I hope you feel more peaceful after speaking to the L post back here if we can help.

Enjoy Yoga, off swimming myself this evening hopefully I wont become an edzicle when I come back outside again!


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
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Had a good GAL day today after a slow start. I decided to join a female social and fundraising group. I think they are linked to round table in some way, but this has an upper age limit of 60. For those who have had contact with Round Table, Rotary etc...you'll appreciate the importance of this!

I emailed the contact and she came straight back, very friendly. I'm going out for dinner with them later this month. I also found a beginners Ceroc course in March that I'm going to book on, and I accepted a lunch invite (friend of M&D) on Sat.


T 13 M 7
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SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
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That's brilliant toots. Glad your moving forward


Me:40 W:35
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WAW: 7/14
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Moved out and moved on

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Originally Posted By: Toots
Had a good GAL day today after a slow start. I decided to join a female social and fundraising group. I think they are linked to round table in some way, but this has an upper age limit of 60. For those who have had contact with Round Table, Rotary etc...you'll appreciate the importance of this!

I emailed the contact and she came straight back, very friendly. I'm going out for dinner with them later this month. I also found a beginners Ceroc course in March that I'm going to book on, and I accepted a lunch invite (friend of M&D) on Sat.



Whoopie for Toots. GAL points galore

V stands and cheers waving flag and blowing trumpet.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 02/04/15 11:48 PM.

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Thanks V and SRD. I really notice that I feel so much better with GAL. It is hard to get it started when you are early into your sitch. You feel low, and don't feel like it etc. But I think once you get going, it really does you a lot of good. And I'm also noticing that GALing leads to things....you get chatting with someone at X....and they suggest Y etc. That's not going to happen if we mooch about at home.

Had a really good yoga class last night. First couple of times I went, I had a headache next day, so I think I pushed to hard. I was thinking I might have to give up. But last night I had a chat with the teacher (180 for me) and took it much easier. Had a good class and no headache (so far!) today.

I had another call out to Mum last night, she has a bed sensor and needs someone there if she gets up. Managed to get home by 10ish instead of midnight though.

I made an appt with the L yesterday. She's very busy atm, so it is in 2 weeks time - no problem. Also arranged to see SS and his Mum over half term. So, lots going on for me, but nothing H related - it's calm before the financial storm I think!


T 13 M 7
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BD 7.14 PA
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Just journaling.....had a low evening last night (and thanks Edz for your kindness). For some reason, I just really missed H and wanted to get in touch with him. Much of the time now I feel pretty settled about things, at least for now. I have my plans, and they sit well with me etc.....but just these occasional lows. I suppose occasional is good though.

One thing I do find is that it is hard to think about our previous life together. Because I moved away from the area at BD, and it was all very sudden & traumatic, it is like my 'previous' life is just preserved in aspic, and in my mind I don't really know what to do with it. I don't want to dwell on it, but is it good not to think of it? IDK...

Each sitch has it's challenges. Some are living with WAS's and that is hard. I'm living with largely NC, which is peaceful, but hard in a different way. And our M didn't have a slow demise (at least not for me!) and that's something to keep coming to terms with.

Feeling more optimistic today, and I'm out tonight and pretty busy over the next few days, so that's no bad thing as I was wistful and sad last night.....I'm so grateful to everyone for their kind words and just for being here in support of each other.

Have a good day everyone...the sun is shining here! :-)


T 13 M 7
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Toots,

Hugs to you. I get it. The wistful feelings and abrupt changes, the feelings you describe - those were the ones that were the hardest of all, even beyond missing H. Photo albums, artifacts from life, and this sense of a bad dream. I am still having nightmares around it all. Like a type of PTSD in its own right.

I am wishing you humor where you can find it, and some great nights out!

And the quote "you can't reach for tomorrow when your hands are full of yesterday's junk," helped me when I was down about it all and wanting to get free. I share it as something that may also help you shake off those moments of melancholy. I remembered all the memories I had put to rest with serious ex bfs before and reminded myself that it could be done, and in fact there always was something better and truer to me up ahead after one of those relationships.


Mid 30's
Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH
D 9/15; NC forever on

You can't DR your way out of abuse.



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No probs toots here if you need me.

I know what you mean, I quite deliberately put away a lot of w and I pictures and left the wedding album with WS wedding dress etc. Doesn't stop memories though, tend to remember our early days before stress started kicking us and bad decisions some of which weren't ours meant financial problems.

Those memories I love but I can't dip into right now, I may want to some day. But the fact remains that w was not like that over the past few years not all on her lots on me but I also remember those times and a lot of the time this is less painful than those moments were.

It'll be better with w or without with someone else or without it will get better. I hold on to that.

Hold on in there toots you're doing great smile


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M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
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Thanks Zelda and Edz for your kind comments. Zelda, I don't think I've posted on your sitch, but I have been following with interest, and I have a lot of respect for how you are handling things....I'll keep reading and learning.

Edz, those memories that you can't dip into right now - I really get that. It's like touching a hot stove and going ouch! I also find it easier to think of the older stuff in our old house before we M. But when I think of newer things, that hurts much more. I also struggle to think of that period before BD when H was having an A and I didn't know.

I've had a better day anyway. I worked from home this morning, and then took the afternoon off and walked into town. Then off to M&D's this evening - just got back and poured a glass of wine....Busy few days ahead - lunch GAL tomorrow, Mum-sitting on Sun pm and working away on Monday..


T 13 M 7
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Hey Toots,

Hope you have a great night out. smile


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Hope its been a good one toots. Must admit to having a glass or two myself when I got in and got my shoes off this evening, s wanted to watch a couple of youtube videos so we flopped on the sofa and chilled out before he went to bed.

Working away sounds interesting, anything you can talk about?


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
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Hi Edz, nothing very interesting....just some meetings with the client I'm working with. But we are all going out for dinner tomorrow night too, so that should be nice. I've actually just heard about some interim work more local to me, so I pinged an email off about that this morning. We'll see how that goes.

Dad is off to a bridge tournament today, so I'm Mum-sitting this afternoon, then Aqua Aerobics this evening. Made a big pot of tomato sauce to batch freeze this morning, and also discovered great, cheap wines at Lidl - £3.99 a bottle and highly rated by the experts apparently - bought 6 bottles to stock up.

No news from H. TBH, I wonder if he would ever contact me again if I just left it. I don't think we've been in touch for 3 weeks now (trying not to count.) I've decided I'll get myself organised in February (L appt later this month, as is H Birthday) and get in touch in March about finances etc. I don't look forward to that much. Next week, I'll see our mutual friend and also HXW, so I may find out a bit more about what he is up to. Not that I necessarily want to know.....seems like the only news I get is painful (lesson to learn there Toots.)

Hope everyone is having a good day! xx (and PS: to Pink - I'm missing you my friend, and your thread locked. Sending you my best wishes and hope you are doing ok x)


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Toots

Hoping something comes of the temporary work.

I have observed that some H seem to contact constantly and others just vanish! It would seem to reappear to reestablish R. It seems to mean very little at all. Your H seems to be a vanish type.

Reality bites on these WAS and change occurs, and usually without understanding why. It just seems when the LBS becomes the best they can be this happens.

((((Toots))))
V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Thanks V. Yes, I hadn't thought of H as a vanisher. In our sitch, he has always been willing to speak if I asked. It was once I stopped asking that the contact stopped. I suppose I have contributed to the sitch by vanishing myself too!

A busy day for Toots - on the road by 8am - full day with clients, early dinner and home by 8.30. Day went well though. Heard back from the lady about the possible interim work. She has sent me an application form to fill in - I'll do that this week.

Volunteering at the bookstore in the morning, and signing my amended will in the pm...


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Hey toots

You seem to be doing really well. Especially with detachment. Moving along keeping busy and getting on with your life


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

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Hiya toots

Thanks for popping by my thread. Sounds like things are working well on the whole. Liked the idea of the wine and putting your feet up. Add music and a bath that was my evening smile

Take it easy

Edz


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
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Well done Toots.

I find busy full days create a tired mind and less rumination.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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I'm reading Men in Midlife Crisis by Conway at the moment. Reading helped me a lot in the early days after BD. But for some reason I haven't read anything 'self help' for a few months. I have a list of books - mostly mentioned on the forum I want to have a look at. I think His Needs, Her Needs will be next.

The Conway book is interesting, and it helps me to think of H more lovingly. I have become more detached as time goes on. But that hasn't always been a loving detachment.

H & I haven't been in touch for a few weeks. Not even by text. But I may do what I did at Xmas and send him and SS a 'light' Valentines text jointly. For us, as SS was often with us at Valentines, it was more of a family 'feel the love' day. At Xmas, I got a response from them both - then a present, card and HNY text from H - so I think it did more good than harm.

Any thoughts on doing this? I feel that to do nothing would be a bit churlish but I don't want to pursue inappropriately when he may still be in an A ( I have no idea of the status ATM.)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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There's a fair bit unknown. Mine was contacting in the beginning, then I found out ow was long term.

For me I wasn't even remotely capable of being his bestie, which is what he wanted.
I quote. "I'm sorry but we will have our life doing xyz and friendship and you will just have to get used me having ow's and gf" mmmmmm nope.

When I know I'd been played for s suck, nc. Not sure the done status.
There were too. Many lies, which still keep coming.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
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Valentines is one of those tricky ones (I've never done anything for valentines so doing something would be a massive 180 which makes it tempting)

with birthdays and christmas and the like you can send greetings etc. as 'friends' so not too much pursuit. I struggle to see how anything valentines related would not be seen as pursuit.

the potential for OW makes a big difference as well, how would he see it if he is in a relationship?

On the other no contact for a few weeks makes me think of the discussion on Ganb8te's thread.

I'm going to resort to the classic that has helped me a lot in the last few months.

Why is it you want to send something?


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
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Thanks GG and Jim. Yes, maybe best not to send anything. It is H's birthday later this month - so it may be best to ignore Valentines, but send a birthday card or text....more neutral and less risk of being seen as pursuit.


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Toots I would send a package to ss but have it delivered to H's house.... candy/card/small gift showing him you love him. This also shows H you value your relationship with ss with or without H in the picture and it also 1.) Reminds H you're an awesome person
2.) Makes ss feel special and loved
3.) Opens the door for H to contact you to say "thanks for thinking of ss" without the direct pursuit of traditional Valentine's day towards H.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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I love that idea twinmom! Great advice!


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Thanks for the suggestions! I'll give it some more thought. i feel a bit low about Valentines Day. I have had a pretty busy week, and have another busy week coming up - but a quiet weekend....not great planning Toots. Will have a look today and see if I can come up with a nice plan for myself...


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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