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OK, am I touching the hot stove again? W dropped off d17 at my place, and then said "we need to sit down and talk about the kids." I asked her what she meant, and she replied "college, science fair and the future."

I invited W to lunch for tomorrow and she accepted. I need to speak to her anyway about taxes - this year I want us to file separately, but we have to iron out who gets the exemptions for the kids.

So it is time for a temperature check with W. Any suggestions for seeing simple things like how she is doing? Or do I just listen and bring up the tax issue when things are calm?


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
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Posts: 942
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I received an IM from W this morning sent to our kids and I. W's mom in Mexico was brought to a heart specialist, and she has an enlarged heart which is causing all sorts of other problems. She has had serious health problems before, and this looks like it may be her final stretch.

So when I see W for lunch today, I will be patient, gentle and a good listener. Let her get her emotions out, but no pushing.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 942
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W called off our lunch. She texted me that she didn't get to sleep until 5 am (this seems to be a regular problem for her) and that she wasn't "up for seeing" me. I thanked her for giving me the update on her mom.

So I have President's Day off with s13. He is enjoying the video game 'Skate 3', which is kinda sick skateboarding game. You can annoy people who are near the skate board park to the point where they charge you and hit you. Kids these days, right?


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 942
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Wet Offline OP
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Gosh darn it. Tonight I was driving s13 back to W's place, when he asked me if I was sure W had her phone on. I asked him why he asked this, and he told me that after school on Friday he had to wait in the outside lobby of W's place for an hour. W had her phone off so she did not buzz him in. I do not like seeing s13 hurt like this.

S13 still does not have a key, and his phone broke. I know W is under a lot of stress right now, but I texted her on Friday after he was out of school, and she could have told me to pick s13 up. She also could have called d17 who was in W's condo, and she could have ran down to let him in. I just feel helpless in protecting s13 from this kind of pain - being forgotten by his mom.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 10,326
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Does d17 have a key? Go make a copy for your son. Your wife doesn't seem to care about this kind of stuff, since it impacts your son, I would say you need to take care of it.

Your way to counteract your wife's lack of care is to step up big time. I don't mean be the good time dad but I mean remember those important dates, show up, contact the school and have them send you information that you need for him, make special time to do things. Be there to talk, let him get this out.

kat


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
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Thanks Kat, the key thing is difficult because it cannot be copied (stamped with "do not copy"), but I will try and communicate better with d17 to make sure that she is aware if s13 is not home when W is away.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 942
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Ok, so I had a dump of information on W that I was not prepared for. One of W's sisters (SiL), who is W's confidant, called me this morning. The reason for the call was what appears to be the soon-to-be death of W/SiL's mother, and I am an attorney and I could explain how things should work.

So the main reason it appears why SiL called was to let me know that the funeral would be at the same church where W and I were married. This is not a problem for me, but then I asked the deadly question - "is W seeing someone serious?" I asked so that I was prepared if W showed up to the funeral with some guy on her arm.

SiL said that W is not seeing anyone serious, that it appears to her that W sabotages anyone who tries to get too serious. But W still dates. There may be "3 or 4" guys she regularly dates. But the main thing W is worried about now is getting a job and making a living.

I asked SiL how she was doing, and she broke down. It is a very emotional time for SiL. Mom-in-Law (MiL) is a great woman, everone loves her, and she is a very strong, very intelligent, very much a faith-filled woman, and always giving herself to the charities/work that she was involved in. And I have always gotten along well with her.

OK here is a funny line from MiL about me - she once said that she sees me as being a Catholic priest one day. My W was upset when she heard this, because she said that meant that W would have to die first! MiL's response? Whatever must be, must be!

I gave SiL some advice on making sure her parent's Revocable Trusts were funded, and then the convo was over.

I don't know why I feel bad about learning that W has several guys she is still dating. I should feel good that there is no one serious in W's life, and that apparently the serious guy from last year is out of the picture. Maybe its the health battle MiL is going thru, maybe its the thought of other guys holding/dating (and other things, I'm not that naďve)) my W. Maybe its the disappointment that W is not progressing more quickly thru whatever it is that she is going thru (ya know, I think its MLC). But its hard to keep the focus on myself when W's mother, and all of her family along with her, is going thru MiL's end stage of her life. Sigh.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 10,326
K
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K
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Posts: 10,326
I think it would be fine to reach out to her family, they are still your family too. You are reaching out due to concern, not because you are trying something with your wife. That is where the focus comes in. You focus on what is good for you and your kids. There is the difference.

You don't pine over whatever wife may or may not be doing,

I will keep her and your families in my prayers. Blessings.

kat


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 942
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Thanks again Kat. So I was invited this morning to a lunch with W and her oldest sister at a nearby lunch spot. I was hesitant, but I sent up an "arrow prayer", W asked again, and I agreed.

LOL. W called back a half hour later, and canceled. This is 2 times this week that she's canceled lunch with me. She said a "guy" had a photo-shoot, and she can't turn down a job right now. I told her that was fine, and left it at that.

I guess I see where I rate with W. No, seriously I don't mind, though I do enjoy time with W's oldest sister, and they are both going thru a tough time right now because of MiL's health. They re-scheduled for tomorrow, which I likely will pass on - I have a previously scheduled lunch with my parents.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 942
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Wet Offline OP
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W
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 942
W will be flying down to Mexico tomorrow morning to be with 6 of her 7 sisters who are down there to be with their mother before she passes away. W asked me to watch d17 and s13 this weekend and next week. She suggested I stay at her place, so that s13 can catch the bus as he normally does, and not have his schedule disrupted.

The one complicating problem is that d18 is coming on Monday from out of town to spend the week. We haven't seen her since last summer, so this will be great. And W is upset about this, but seeing her mom ASAP is her priority right now. We will see if d18 can move back her ticket dates by a week, but I have no idea how hard this will be.

I told my W I would do whatever she needed me to do to help. Let's see if her plans actually pan out (like getting a ticket - she is trying to go down at the same time as one of her sisters), and that she get there in time. This is all new to me.

Last edited by Wet; 02/20/15 12:39 AM.

Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
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