It is terribly hard on them. I know that is why the 5 of us were/are so close. To see ex think the world is all about him is hard. So I didn't really date these past 6 years, we all needed time to heal. My kids would like me to date and I am slowly taking down the walls I put up. All in good time.
Be strong and a good example for them. They need stability more than anything.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Stupid, stupid, stupid. I woke up Sunday morning thinking about W's telling me on Friday that she couldn't pay her rent (and what that would do to d17 and s13 who live with W). And so on Sunday I called W before 9 am.
W answered "Wet?"
Me "Good morning. I was thinking about you saying that you can't pay your rent."
W: "Oh that's taken care of. I just got to sleep an hour ago. Can I call you later? I need to go back to sleep. Bye."
W did not call me back. And as soon as I hung up, I regretted calling her. I felt like I was back to my old ways of trying to "fix" W's problems, and once again "touching the hot stove". I've blown it with W 2 weeks in a row, now.
Weird how when I woke up Sunday I woke up confused, and felt compelled to call W when I never call her during the week, and only rarely text her. Time to get back on the DB wagon, enjoy my s13 an extra day here on Monday (day off for teacher grading day), and keep working on myself.
No fixing. Why? Because no one ever learned anything by letting others save them and she doesn't want you to. She wants to guilt you perhaps or she is talking out loud. Either way, no more. Put a rubber and on your wrist and when you think about her snap it!
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
That should read rubber band on your wrist!!! I am so sorry. Didn't get much sleep last night and I just caught my faux pas! I am as red as a beat and I apologize.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Kat I am laughing out lout on that one! I do appreciate your wise counsel and advice for me.
On your suggestion that W is trying to "guilt" me, I think you are right. When I texted W yesterday about s13 having to be picked up to go back to W's place, W texted back: "I am out looking to get a (camera) lens on loan."
Her text has nothing to do with the context of picking up s13, and shows she has no money to even get an essential part of her photography business, the lens. Not my problem. Thanks again for helping me be more aware of this.
Wet, I just read through your posts -- what a year you have had! (Me too.) If it's any comfort, from the outside it is SO obvious that your wife is going through MLC, and the fact that she even refers to her being lost from God is to me a great sign that God is working on her. It will just not happen on your timetable and it will seem completely unbearable, but it will be bearable.
I love how you talk about your kids and how much you value your time with them. You sound like a great dad. That is a blessing!
I can't believe the things that I have borne this year. (See my post on stirring the pot for my story.) All the things that would have been non-negotiable for me all my life with my H (20 years now) I have now borne, and all of it has improved me. I had to face every worst fear i ever had, all the things that I thought would never happen to me -- infidelity, single motherhood (with him living with us!) and CANCER. And I have faced them all.
From the outside, reading your story and seeing your posts, the way you talk and think, I have total faith that you will have restoration. I don't know why I feel that strongly about it, but I do. Will pray for you both tonight!
Last edited by Gerda; 01/30/1506:26 AM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
So I texted W to let her know when I would stop by this afternoon to pick up s13 (at 4:15 pm). W texted back saying she was at a funeral and that I could pick up s13 earlier.
I texted back: "Good idea. Not the funeral part. That's sad, I'm sorry you are going thru this. The picking up of s13 early."
Ok, it's not that funny, but it got a "LOL" from W.
Thanks for your encouragement Gerda. I wish I had your "total faith", cause it looks pretty dark where I'm standing.
The circumstances are dark - for you and all of us -- but you have to look past your circumstances. If your wife is even talking about God during MLC, then God is working on her. And it sounds like you are a really good man, doing what you can to stay on the path of Goodness. But it's going to take a long time for her to go through the tunnel. I mentioned divorce a couple times to my H when I was really unable to control my anger, and his eyes just glazed over. It reminded me of a story I read early on and that I think about all the time -- this woman waited SEVEN YEARS. And their marriage was restored. But her husband also just wouldn't discuss divorce even though his behavior was beyond belief bad. I think of that all the time, that as awful as my H is, he doesn't want to leave entirely and never discusses divorce, he can't bring himself to do that. So I feel confident that I just have to wait it out, live my own life, be both parents to my kids, and take joy in the fact that I can be here. I had a mastectomy this fall and I thought I was going to die, and instead I even escaped chemo. So everyday I try to remember how lucky I am to be able to be here even to wait out this MLC, and to be able to be here for my kids when they only have one parent.
I saw your signature -- You know, maybe it would help you if you looked beyond Tolstoy and went over to the Dostoevsky camp! : ) I'm not actually kidding -- redemption is possible in the fact of total darkness! The Brothers Karamazov could come in handy to remind you that's it's not only time and patience but also the will to make meaning out of suffering -- that's faith!
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Journaling - the weekend started off rough with s13. He told me W had been invited (but did not go) to the Super Bowl which sent my mind briefly racing. I put things together, it must be someone wealthy, W going to the Sports Bar with the kids, a couple of month's ago her pumping me for information on the week's football games, etc.
So I had d17 and s13 to watch the Super Bowl with me, and this went ok. D17, who I do not get to spend much time with, slept for the first half ("I only got 1 hour's sleep last night.") But I made a mean appetizer (a new recipe, Bacon Tator Tot Bombs) which were delicious. After the game, I got pulled over taking the kids back to the W's place, but I did not get a ticket (phew). And of course, the game was great.
So it turns out W did not have any plans for the Super Bowl and she almost invited herself to my place. D20 was sleeping when W dropped off d17 at my place, and asked if d20 was available for a visit from W, but b/c d20 was sleeping W did not come in. Thank you Lord for my dodging that bullet. I did not want to spend Super Bowl Sunday with W, and take away from my time with the kids.
