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Hey Frank, wanted to chime in here about the fear. One of the things that's been helping me is the definition of courage. As it was explained to me years ago by someone I admired: Courage is the ability to face a fear head on and still move forward.

This is a scary as hell time in our lives. I feel the fear daily, and at the same time it's getting easier to deal with. Understand that your fear comes from the fact you love your wife. She is your world. Embrace it. Then keep moving on. By being here you have taken the first step towards facing that fear and seeking advice on how to move forward.

Really take a look at yourself and see what parts of you that you don't like. Accept the fact that you contributed to where you are and then beginning changing those things you are not proud of. Become the better person. Become the man a woman would be a fool to leave.


M: 8.5 T:10
Me:37 W:34 S:6

Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15
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Quote:
i've been living based on fear for years now. Fear that if i say something or do something wrong she'll leave and you are right, for just those reasons (my lack of action due to fear) she wants to leave.


Why are you so afraid of being left? Were you abandoned when you were a child?

This is a horrible way to live life. It has ruined your MR and made you emotionally dependent on your W. Women are not attracted to men who are not strong enough to stand on their own two feet.

Have you ever had therapy for your issues?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Frank75 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Squiggy
Hey Frank, wanted to chime in here about the fear. One of the things that's been helping me is the definition of courage. As it was explained to me years ago by someone I admired: Courage is the ability to face a fear head on and still move forward.

This is a scary as hell time in our lives. I feel the fear daily, and at the same time it's getting easier to deal with. Understand that your fear comes from the fact you love your wife. She is your world. Embrace it. Then keep moving on. By being here you have taken the first step towards facing that fear and seeking advice on how to move forward.

Really take a look at yourself and see what parts of you that you don't like. Accept the fact that you contributed to where you are and then beginning changing those things you are not proud of. Become the better person. Become the man a woman would be a fool to leave.


Thanks for the encouragement man, it means a lot. I'm in the process of trying. I'm calling a counselor that my dr referred me to today and trying to make plans to fly out to visit my parents. My dr thinks it's a great idea for me and to give me wife 2+ weeks of solitude.


M:39 W:35
Married: 12 years
Together: 16 years
No kids
D bomb: 1/17/15
Filed 1/29/15
Moving out 2/2015
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 66
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
Quote:
i've been living based on fear for years now. Fear that if i say something or do something wrong she'll leave and you are right, for just those reasons (my lack of action due to fear) she wants to leave.


Why are you so afraid of being left? Were you abandoned when you were a child?

This is a horrible way to live life. It has ruined your MR and made you emotionally dependent on your W. Women are not attracted to men who are not strong enough to stand on their own two feet.

Have you ever had therapy for your issues?



Why wouldn't anyone be afraid to be left? I really didn't think about it in terms of fear until she brought it up last year. I mean, i love her tremendously, we've been together for 1/2 our lives. Something like that doesn't just disappear. I mean, the way i handled it sucked, i know that know. Being afraid to bring things up but there's nothing i can do about it now besides apologize frown


M:39 W:35
Married: 12 years
Together: 16 years
No kids
D bomb: 1/17/15
Filed 1/29/15
Moving out 2/2015
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Frank, I haven't been on these boards in a long time and felt compelled to log on today, this place was a tremendous help to me. While you are going through one of the most tramatic experiences ever PLEASE hear the advice you are getting. I know it's hard, I do I was there, but there's hope. I know you have probably heard this a million times on here... INVEST in you! Who do you want to be? And become that. My W told me we would never get back together. She was a gazillion % sure moved out(for a year), new bank account, new friends etc etc. Well she came back and I realize that her leaving was the best thing to ever happen to me, not because I saw all the ways I wronged her but because it helped cultivate some positive habits in my life. She's totally in love with the man i've become, and more importantly I am too.

Learn to be comfortable with your presence, no one else can if you can't. Sandi is right, women are not attracted to weak men(not healthy women). You can do this! There is no failure only feedback. Oh and one other thing get out of your head, have 0 expectations. Hope you can glean something from this.


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Quote:
Why wouldn't anyone be afraid to be left? I really didn't think about it in terms of fear until she brought it up last year. I mean, i love her tremendously, we've been together for 1/2 our lives. Something like that doesn't just disappear.


B/c you are talking like a little boy is afraid of the dark. You are not sounding like a mature man who is secure in himself enough to know he would survive and move on and make the most of his life.....even learn to enjoy it.

Most of us may not choose or desire to live without our S, however, we are not paralyzed by the very thought of it. What kind of life do you have when you are walking on egg shells, afraid of saying or doing something that pi$$ her off and then she'll leave? I can tell you what kind......miserable!

You have become a second class citizen in your own home. You won't stand up to your grown daughter...who clearly shows you disrespect, and you won't stand up to your WAW...who clearly shows you disrespect. Is your grandchild a boy or girl? Doesn't matter, b/c you are teaching him/her what role the man plays. If he's a boy, he'll grow up to be like his grandfather who sits on pins & needles, enduring abuse from some woman. If she's a girl, she won't have a decent R with any man in her life, b/c she will believe he should lay down and allow her to walk on him.

We women want our man to be stronger than we are. I'm talking about an inner strength. We will test our man to see if he if he really has what it takes to stand up to us. If he's too weak, we lose attraction and respect for him. Will he get eyeball to eyeball with us and let us know he won't be a doormat, or say "Yes dear" and shut-up?

If you could just see how your thoughts are damaging and defeating yourself. How can you DB when you are so afraid that you just sit and wait, hoping things will get better in time. It is unhealthy, Frank.

Do you like to read? If so, there is a lot of self-help books out there.....not to mention what is on the Internet.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted By: Frank75

Thanks for the encouragement man, it means a lot. I'm in the process of trying. I'm calling a counselor that my dr referred me to today and trying to make plans to fly out to visit my parents. My dr thinks it's a great idea for me and to give me wife 2+ weeks of solitude.


Frank - so glad you are going to visit your parents. Use the time wisely away from your wife, to work on yourself (you might want to think about whether you'll have any contact with her while you're away - or if you're going to "go dark"). And enjoy your time with your parents, hope you can open up to them.


Me 28 / H 28
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Originally Posted By: completelylost
Frank, I haven't been on these boards in a long time and felt compelled to log on today, this place was a tremendous help to me. While you are going through one of the most tramatic experiences ever PLEASE hear the advice you are getting. I know it's hard, I do I was there, but there's hope. I know you have probably heard this a million times on here... INVEST in you! Who do you want to be? And become that. My W told me we would never get back together. She was a gazillion % sure moved out(for a year), new bank account, new friends etc etc. Well she came back and I realize that her leaving was the best thing to ever happen to me, not because I saw all the ways I wronged her but because it helped cultivate some positive habits in my life. She's totally in love with the man i've become, and more importantly I am too.

Learn to be comfortable with your presence, no one else can if you can't. Sandi is right, women are not attracted to weak men(not healthy women). You can do this! There is no failure only feedback. Oh and one other thing get out of your head, have 0 expectations. Hope you can glean something from this.



I hope it doesn't seem like i'm not listening, i am. I'm trying to absorb a ton of things at once and it's just a process to get through it all. And I take stories like yours to heart, i really do. For me this is like 12 days old and still a very fresh wound. Just yesterday i was calling a crisis hotline to try and deal with it.

Just an example, i NEVER go to the doctor...ever. I don't take drugs...ever...not even aspirin. For me to call a doctor for help with panic/anxiety, and then subsequently have a breakdown in the office while talking about it was the biggest jump i've taken in years. I know i have a ton of faults, and thanks to the people here i'm learning more about myself on a daily basis. I know i'm emotionally weak when it comes to my wife and i know i've let fear dictate a lot of things around my relationship. I just need to take it a day at a time and get over these hurdles and learn from past mistakes.


M:39 W:35
Married: 12 years
Together: 16 years
No kids
D bomb: 1/17/15
Filed 1/29/15
Moving out 2/2015
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 66
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
Quote:
Why wouldn't anyone be afraid to be left? I really didn't think about it in terms of fear until she brought it up last year. I mean, i love her tremendously, we've been together for 1/2 our lives. Something like that doesn't just disappear.


B/c you are talking like a little boy is afraid of the dark. You are not sounding like a mature man who is secure in himself enough to know he would survive and move on and make the most of his life.....even learn to enjoy it.

Most of us may not choose or desire to live without our S, however, we are not paralyzed by the very thought of it. What kind of life do you have when you are walking on egg shells, afraid of saying or doing something that pi$$ her off and then she'll leave? I can tell you what kind......miserable!

You have become a second class citizen in your own home. You won't stand up to your grown daughter...who clearly shows you disrespect, and you won't stand up to your WAW...who clearly shows you disrespect. Is your grandchild a boy or girl? Doesn't matter, b/c you are teaching him/her what role the man plays. If he's a boy, he'll grow up to be like his grandfather who sits on pins & needles, enduring abuse from some woman. If she's a girl, she won't have a decent R with any man in her life, b/c she will believe he should lay down and allow her to walk on him.

We women want our man to be stronger than we are. I'm talking about an inner strength. We will test our man to see if he if he really has what it takes to stand up to us. If he's too weak, we lose attraction and respect for him. Will he get eyeball to eyeball with us and let us know he won't be a doormat, or say "Yes dear" and shut-up?

If you could just see how your thoughts are damaging and defeating yourself. How can you DB when you are so afraid that you just sit and wait, hoping things will get better in time. It is unhealthy, Frank.

Do you like to read? If so, there is a lot of self-help books out there.....not to mention what is on the Internet.








Thanks again for the tough love. I'm feeling much better today. Yesterday and the day before i was at a super super low point. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted, no sleep, no food and really close to imploding. I'm generally an emotional guy but i never really thought of myself as weak or living in fear before but after 25 and you brought it to my attention i wrapped my head around it. I finally got the DR book today and already read about 30% of it, i'm always in favor of bettering myself and always open to new things.

I know right now i need to pick myself up and take steps to better myself and move on. Like i said in my previous post, as dumb as it sounds going to a doctor is a major step for me. The next major steps will be making an appointment with a counselor (tomorrow) and then booking tickets to visit family (next week).

My wife knows i hate doctors and when she came home yesterday from work she saw the prescriptions laying there and asked about it and i told her i went to try and get myself sorted and the look on her face was partial bewilderment and partial happiness. I in no way did it for her, i did it for myself, but it made me realize that in a nutshell is what DB is all about. Make changes for yourself, hedge your bets. Worst case scenario i'll come out of this hellish period of my life a much better person, frank 2.0

Last edited by Frank75; 01/30/15 04:14 AM.

M:39 W:35
Married: 12 years
Together: 16 years
No kids
D bomb: 1/17/15
Filed 1/29/15
Moving out 2/2015
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 66
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Originally Posted By: susana4
Originally Posted By: Frank75

Thanks for the encouragement man, it means a lot. I'm in the process of trying. I'm calling a counselor that my dr referred me to today and trying to make plans to fly out to visit my parents. My dr thinks it's a great idea for me and to give me wife 2+ weeks of solitude.


Frank - so glad you are going to visit your parents. Use the time wisely away from your wife, to work on yourself (you might want to think about whether you'll have any contact with her while you're away - or if you're going to "go dark"). And enjoy your time with your parents, hope you can open up to them.


Thanks Susana. I think the pills the doctor prescribed will really help with that. Before yesterday i was honestly having full blown breakdowns multiple times a day. I was just so emotionally raw even commercials where making my cry. These pills seem to have taken a major chunk of that away, and i'm so thankful for finally going and getting them. I don't know how i lasted 11+ days in that state of mind, it was ridiculous.


M:39 W:35
Married: 12 years
Together: 16 years
No kids
D bomb: 1/17/15
Filed 1/29/15
Moving out 2/2015
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