I'm just utterly gutted right now :(

[Frank75]

I second Zelda09's suggestion of HeadSpace. Exercise has also helped me, especially yoga.

Do you have any close friends or family you could go visit for the weekend? I'm fairly introverted as well but I found it really helpful to go stay with a friend for a weekend just after BD who understood my need for alone time, but was also there for me when I needed someone to vent/cry/talk to.

We're in a weird situation. We moved to my wife's childhood home a few years ago. It's basically off-grid and the closest "town" is like an 80 mile round trip. Neither of us have real friends here and to be honest I've never found it easy to make them even if people lived around here. My entire family is on the other side of the country, as much as I hate it there i love my family and i feel like that would be the best thing for me right now. But i also don't feel like talking about any of this with anyone...probably because i'm a man and internalize everything....which is also how i got into this predicament

[susana4]

That's about all I can do, but it's cold and 2 feet of snow on the ground right now. I did it today anyway, trudged a mile to our mailbox and back, crying like a baby the entire time.

As for the finances, I don't even know. It's causing me panic attacks just because we have no debt but we live in a house her mom willed to her. I have rights to it, due to us selling another house and moving here but i can't even begin to think about divorce lawyers and stuff like that right now as much as i should. Thinking about moving out and into an apartment is just too much. Everything we have here is ours, everything. Thinking about going through the cold motions of splitting things up and stuff like that makes me sick to my stomach.

Don't think about lawyers and dividing stuff up and all that right now. You don't know what will happen, and thinking about it is just going to make you feel worse. I know that's much easier said than done though - I felt the same when I first got the bomb dropped on me, and I was panicking about finances too. It's still such a new wound, let yourself feel sadness now. And then once you've felt the first wave of sadness, you can start to pick up and GAL. It's hard though. I spent many days in bed crying, not able to get up, and I really felt it wouldn't get better. Reading DR helped me so much though (have you read the books?) and made me feel like I could, at least, control myself.

We're in a weird situation. We moved to my wife's childhood home a few years ago. It's basically off-grid and the closest "town" is like an 80 mile round trip. Neither of us have real friends here and to be honest I've never found it easy to make them even if people lived around here. My entire family is on the other side of the country, as much as I hate it there i love my family and i feel like that would be the best thing for me right now. But i also don't feel like talking about any of this with anyone...probably because i'm a man and internalize everything....which is also how i got into this predicament

I'm not sure I understood, do you think you want to/could go visit your family? I don't know what sort of relationship you have with them, but I don't think you necessarily need to talk with them about the situation. You could just "be" with them, or talk about other stuff, and only talk about it if and when you feel like it. Although if you see that internalizing everything got you into the predicament then a really good first step/180 might be to start talking.

[Frank75]

Don't think about lawyers and dividing stuff up and all that right now. You don't know what will happen, and thinking about it is just going to make you feel worse. I know that's much easier said than done though - I felt the same when I first got the bomb dropped on me, and I was panicking about finances too. It's still such a new wound, let yourself feel sadness now. And then once you've felt the first wave of sadness, you can start to pick up and GAL. It's hard though. I spent many days in bed crying, not able to get up, and I really felt it wouldn't get better. Reading DR helped me so much though (have you read the books?) and made me feel like I could, at least, control myself.

I know i'm just in panic mode right now and it's almost like being fired and given a box and 5 minutes to pack up. I know that's not true, just how i feel right now.

Luckily I work from home and this week has been slow because i alternate between being hysterical and being borderline comatose throughout the day.

For some reason today I decided to look at old pics of us. So heartbreaking, we were so happy, she's so beautiful, she was such a good person and i'm responsible for all of this. I don't think i've ever felt this level of anguish in my life, even when my grandparents and mother in law died. I feel like i'm being torn to pieces.

I'm not sure I understood, do you think you want to/could go visit your family? I don't know what sort of relationship you have with them, but I don't think you necessarily need to talk with them about the situation. You could just "be" with them, or talk about other stuff, and only talk about it if and when you feel like it. Although if you see that internalizing everything got you into the predicament then a really good first step/180 might be to start talking.

I want to go back to visit, we have a great relationship. I just don't want to tell them about this yet and i'm an emotional guy to begin with and i know if i went there i'd see them and immediately break down. I don't want to burden anyone with that, much less my parents. They absolutely love my wife, she's the daughter they never had and the sister my younger brother never had. It will tear them apart i'm sure too.

[sandi2]

I think what a lot of us newcomers can't wrap our heads around is how the WAS went so cold. You say communication can't help.

I believe I said that you will not be able to talk yourself out of this situation. Talking will not work to fix things now. Believe me, I know how hard that is, b/c that was the only way I knew how to work out problems. The LBS has to learn to "communicate" in a different way. He/she communicates through actions. (Detaching, GAL, not initiating contact, etc.) The WAS won't listen, b/c they have the strong attitude of "it's too little, too late". You cannot make them believe anything will change for the better....and stay that way. However, most of them can see (even if you don't think they are watching). Your actions give loud & clear messages. Having R talks will do no good until the couple is is in Piecing the M back together, in which the WAS has to been 100 % on board in working to save the M. You cannot get them on board by running your mouth, texting, emailing, etc. They aren't interested in your words.

The reason for the coldness, is two-fold, IMHO. First, the WAS has had it with the M. They are completely done! They are no longer interested is having you for their love interest, and they (WAS) have had an inner transformation. That is why I often tell the LBS that this is not the person you married! Second, the WAS wants the LBS to get the message quickly. They do not want to give any impression there is any hope left, or that they will change their mind, or that anything the LBS tries will work. They act cold b/c they feel cold towards the LBS. Some are worse than others.

In many cases, if the WAS believes the LBS is going to cooperate with whatever the WAS may want at the time (S, D, have an A, etc.) then they may suddenly change to being friendlier. This causes great confusion in the LBS. However, it does not mean the WAS has had a change of heart. They just want you to give them whatever they want and not give them a hard time about it. If the two of you can part and keep it friendly, they think it's great.

That may sound pretty cynical, but it's the general idea in a nutshell.

Can you tell us more about where your turning points were when you decided you still had hope for your M?

Well, I tell people I am not the typical newcomer case who shows up on the doorsteps of the DB board. Not very many WAS's come to the board during the time they are having an A. It would take too long to explain my story and everything that happened to lead me here. But one night I disparately wanted to reach out to someone and ask them to just talk to me. I went to a site that called themselves Christian-based, and must have chosen a bad time, b/c all I got was a bunch of clowns. I just stumbled around and "accidentally" found my way here. I was so blessed to have had some of the very best people the board had to help me. They talked to me straight and hard (which was exactly what I wanted them to do). I was in bad shape and didn't want any cotton-candy therapy.

I would say that was my biggest turning point, but not the hardest. The hardest was putting into action the information I had been given. Ending the A was a biggie! Needless to say, end things with OM was another turning point. The withdrawals from it was really tough, and I thought it would never end. Staying with my LBH........well, I thought I might die. You see, he was not the one getting help and he did not have the tools you are getting. DBing is geared more to help the LBS, b/c they are usually the ones seeking the help. My H would not agree to go with me to any counseling, guidance from our Pastor, or anything. He wanted me to do the work. So, I really had to rely upon those here to help me. They were my counselors. They gave me guidance. In the meantime, I saw very, very little from him. He was going through his own transition in his life, which I didn't have enough sense to realize, until later. But in spite of everything, we're still together.

I would come here every single day for my therapy. Some say I helped them, as well. I could see how so many people how had no clue to the WAW's mindset. Anyway, I have camped out here to hopefully pay forward the help that was given me. I may not have been typical, in the sense I was a WAS seeking help, but my mindset was very typical. There is usually some variation in everyone's stitch, but it is just weird how the thinking and behavior of the WAS are alike. It's like a disease that shows similar symptoms in the patients.

[Frank75]

Well, she came home last night to talk. She made it 10000000% clear she made her decision and was sticking by it. Massive amounts of tears were shed. I'm still trying to process everything and failing miserably. I told her i'd start looking for an apartment and try to be out in a month or so....winter here doesn't help though.

I've never felt this low in my life but there's nothing else i can do right now. She's convinced this will make "US" happy and that she can never be happy together ever again. I can't believe i'm almost 40 and about to be living alone for the first time in my life, such a depressing thought She wants to remain friends and i'm not strong enough to play DB games right now, and if i said no she would just go along with that anyway.

I'm so lost right now, i don't see a future, all i want to do is go to sleep and not wake back up. This has been the worst week of my life.

[MrBond]

DBing isn't a "game" it's a way to live your life that WILL save YOU. When your book comes in, be sure to read it right away.

Trust me when I tell you that ALL of our spouses said the same thing. That there is no hope, they're sure, etc.

Keep the focus on you. You can do it.

Why do you have to be the one that moves out? My W told me the same thing and I looked at her, laughed and said that if she was unhappy, then she can be the one who leaves.

[raliced]

Frank, I find the last sentence of your post alarming.

This is not the end. It's not the end of you, it's not the end of happiness, it's not the end of joy, it's not the end.

Take a while to absorb, and then check back in (and don't make plans to move out).

One way or the other, it will get better, Frank.

[Frank75]

DBing isn't a "game" it's a way to live your life that WILL save YOU. When your book comes in, be sure to read it right away.

Trust me when I tell you that ALL of our spouses said the same thing. That there is no hope, they're sure, etc.

Keep the focus on you. You can do it.

Why do you have to be the one that moves out? My W told me the same thing and I looked at her, laughed and said that if she was unhappy, then she can be the one who leaves.

It's just because this has gone on so long. She's been unhappy off and on for years, i just always thought we could fix it.

Sorry for the game comment, I just know her inside and out and she's never been a typical woman. She's very head strong and if i said "sorry we can't be friends" that would be that and right now i'm not strong enough to make good on something like that I'm too emotionally fragile right now.


As for the house, it was willed to her when her mom died. It's in her name. We moved here together and put money into it but according to WA law and an attorney that doesn't matter. In the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter to me anyway, i'd never want to take something her mom gave her away or force her to mortgage it. Yes, i'm probably too nice and despite our issues i could never do something like that to her.

[Frank75]

Frank, I find the last sentence of your post alarming.

This is not the end. It's not the end of you, it's not the end of happiness, it's not the end of joy, it's not the end.

Take a while to absorb, and then check back in (and don't make plans to move out).

One way or the other, it will get better, Frank.

She said the attorney she talked to said either you make plans to move or the court will give you a date to move after the divorce is filed. I guess that has to do with me having no right to live here? Not sure. I don't think it would help anything having me here anyway, it's a very small house and it's not like we could live here and avoid each other.

I realize that last post sounded bad, i'm just in a terrible state right now. Everything i see here is US, and now it just seems like i've lived a lie for 15 years. I just can't even think about a future right now, i'm just living in the moment i guess.

[raliced]

Frank- You need to talk to your own lawyer.

Start making calls now, don't wait. Don't rely on what your wife's attorney has supposedly said.