I'm just utterly gutted right now :(

[Karma12]

It is amazing what a good nights sleep can do. I'm so glad you went to the DR.


You are going to have good days and bad days. Your whole life has been turned upside down so yes...of course your upset. But you know what. You are still on this planet and you still have a life. Start your own self discovery journey. Be a friend to yourself. That old passage you have to love yourself first....it's true.

Read...exercise...keep busy.

[susana4]

Thanks Susana. I think the pills the doctor prescribed will really help with that. Before yesterday i was honestly having full blown breakdowns multiple times a day. I was just so emotionally raw even commercials where making my cry. These pills seem to have taken a major chunk of that away, and i'm so thankful for finally going and getting them. I don't know how i lasted 11+ days in that state of mind, it was ridiculous.

SO glad to hear you went to the doctor and got the medicine, I could hear the anguish in your writing and I was worried about you. It's a rough place to be, you're less than 2 weeks in. Hopefully the meds will take some of the pain and anxiety away, and allow you to think more clearly and focus on a plan to GAL. Have you booked the tickets to your parents yet? It might help just knowing it's booked and on the horizon - something to look forward to.

[Frank75]

It is amazing what a good nights sleep can do. I'm so glad you went to the DR.


You are going to have good days and bad days. Your whole life has been turned upside down so yes...of course your upset. But you know what. You are still on this planet and you still have a life. Start your own self discovery journey. Be a friend to yourself. That old passage you have to love yourself first....it's true.

Read...exercise...keep busy.

Thanks, I'm trying

[Frank75]

SO glad to hear you went to the doctor and got the medicine, I could hear the anguish in your writing and I was worried about you. It's a rough place to be, you're less than 2 weeks in. Hopefully the meds will take some of the pain and anxiety away, and allow you to think more clearly and focus on a plan to GAL. Have you booked the tickets to your parents yet? It might help just knowing it's booked and on the horizon - something to look forward to.

I can't remember the names of what she gave me but it definitely works. I'm still depressed but not a ball of stress/nerves/panic anymore

I'm going to try and call again today about counseling, once i know that date i'm going to get plane tickets

In other news she told me that she filed for divorce last night despite us talking previously about that. She said she "didn't want to lead me on", so i got upset with her and she cried for once and told me something about having 3 months before it takes effect blah blah blah.

[Frank75]

She called me from work a few minutes ago. I guess she was still upset about this morning so she apologized for filing the papers and explained why she did it (goes back to me not listening to her before).

So the phone call basically ended up as me moving out in a few weeks, us remaining friends and we'll hang out a few times a month, and calling this a separation because time apart will be good for us at this point since right now living together is just too emotional and volatile. She paid $300 to file for divorce so she said she'll leave it active "just in case" but for right now she's just considering it a separation.

We even discussed how an apartment in the city would have been good for us regardless, either to use together when we want to go out to dinner/movies etc or just as a way for either of us to "get away" for a few days

I feel like that 30 minute phone call i just had with her was way more productive than any face to faces we've had over the last few weeks. I told her about the DR book also and she agreed to read it so that's good.

Don't get me wrong though, i'm still carrying that mantra: "Trust nothing she says and half of what she does". I can not be hurt like this again.

[Sotto]

Hi Frank - glad that you had a productive call with you W. You sound a bit brighter.

Just one comment - DR/DB is intended for us alone. But you have already mentioned it to your W, so you are where you are. But the thing is I would leave it there. Don't push or mention that any further now - leave it well along. If your W is interested enough, she'll sort herself out with the book and read it...

[Detrmnd]

Hi Frank,

Glad to hear you are feeling better, yet still keeping yourself grounded!

I think the hardest part is keeping hope alive while equally steeling yourself for the semi constant lies and deception. Currently I keep realising lies I've been told and believed unquestionably at the time were so obvious! But now it's hard to trust anything positive that's said.

I hope that this is a breakthrough as it gives me hope for my own sitch, and even if not your strength is a great inspiration of where I need to get to!

[Frank75]

Hi Frank - glad that you had a productive call with you W. You sound a bit brighter.

Just one comment - DR/DB is intended for us alone. But you have already mentioned it to your W, so you are where you are. But the thing is I would leave it there. Don't push or mention that any further now - leave it well along. If your W is interested enough, she'll sort herself out with the book and read it...

I was stuck at the time. I admitted I made so many mistakes and didn't know how to start fixing things and she mentioned books so that's when i told her about it. I really wanted her to read the first few chapters anyway since it's basically describing us 100%. So many things in that book are things she's done and said and i just want her to realize this is all 'normal' and people come back from it all and become happy again.

[Frank75]

Hi Frank,

Glad to hear you are feeling better, yet still keeping yourself grounded!

I think the hardest part is keeping hope alive while equally steeling yourself for the semi constant lies and deception. Currently I keep realising lies I've been told and believed unquestionably at the time were so obvious! But now it's hard to trust anything positive that's said.

I hope that this is a breakthrough as it gives me hope for my own sitch, and even if not your strength is a great inspiration of where I need to get to!

I know what you mean. I'm seriously hoping she was being honest with me yesterday about calling this a separation. I keep going back and forth in my head about whether she's being honest or just using it as a way to calm me down and get me out. Could go either way but i'm trying to be more optimistic these days so we'll see what happens. Worst case scenario, it eased me into single life without being so mentally and emotionally torturous.

She has promised to help me move, drive me to the airport, hang out after i move, IM/EMail etc. She sounded genuine yesterday. I'm not sure what prompted this aside from realizing filing for divorce without talking to me again was just a shi@@y thing to do. Also these meds are making me able to focus on just talking to her and not going off the deep end each time we interact.

[25yearsmlc]

Hi Frank - glad that you had a productive call with you W. You sound a bit brighter.

Just one comment - DR/DB is intended for us alone. But you have already mentioned it to your W, so you are where you are. But the thing is I would leave it there. Don't push or mention that any further now - leave it well along. If your W is interested enough, she'll sort herself out with the book and read it...

I was stuck at the time. I admitted I made so many mistakes and didn't know how to start fixing things and she mentioned books so that's when i told her about it.

THIS^^, I understand, though you could have just said you've "also been reading some very useful books"...


I really wanted her to read the first few chapters anyway since it's basically describing us 100%.


THIS^^ is you trying to control her and the outcome of the situation.

THIS^^ is you having expectations, regardless of what you tell yourself.

THIS^^ is not helping you. The books and the advice here about NOT recommending the books, are said for very good reasons.

You have to start believing that the author has some insight and experience in this area, and accepting that your needs and wants are not unheard of or all that unusual. We get it. Don't pooh pooh it.

In the years I've been here, I've still never advised my h to read the books.



So many things in that book are things she's done and said and i just want her to realize this is all 'normal' and people come back from it all and become happy again.

See above comments re: expectations and controlling outcome, for more of the same. "I just want her to realize"...and "people come back from it and ...." is exactly wanting HER to...blah blah blah

(so, back to YOU)

Frank, "more of the same" is NOT what you need.

I'm really glad you got some meds so that you can refrain from this type of "raised expectation/control the outcome" mindset, and learn to face this as it comes,

trusting that you are indeed strong enough and open enough to learn new things and get new tools. I recall not sleeping well, for weeks, and sort of constantly feeling on the verge of having the flu. So when I got some sleep aids and then anti anxiety meds, the whole circular nature of this (and endlessly asking "WHY??")
& poor sleep, abated.

Just those ^^ two things really helped.

Did you check out EE, or is that what you meant by getting plane tickets? I'm a little unclear.

Finally, keep on keeping on. Soon I hope, your screen name will change and evolve, as you are.

Maybe "I WAS gutted, but now I'm growing" or something new, and or a lot more hopeful...

B/C as you grow from this (and growing from this is kind of the big "silver lining" to this whole ordeal),

you will gain a peace and strength within, that you may not have known for a long time.

That's worth sharing.