I don't even know where to start, but i'll try to make it short. Wife and I have been married for 11 years, together for 15. We started out great, the problems started creeping in about 6 years ago after her mom died of cancer.
This is where I take full blame, I don't handle death well, and I lacked the tools necessary to deal with it and also to comfort others. That being said, within a few months of her mom's passing, she turned on me. Looking back, she was full of anger about her mom and i was the punching bag but I had my own issues going on at the time and I handled it very badly to the point where I spent a few months sleeping in another bedroom.
We eventually reconciled after a few months and life moved on. Although we still had occasional moments of her reminding me that she was unhappy or something similar. We eventually relocated to a different state and it seemed like for some reason that kicked it all off again, within a few months of moving she told me she was ready for a divorce. This was in 2012. This is the point where she would bring up being unhappy, I'd do my best to try and convince her we COULD fix things, and then the issues would slip to the background. This is also a major mistake, instead of fully addressing our problems I would hope and pray for the next day when they would be "forgotten" and i wouldn't bring it back up for fear of having to deal with it again.
So fast forward to last month, she found a new job that turned out to be extremely stressful but she stuck with it. There was a ton of stress involved though including hating her new manager. At the same time, our 12 year old dog died suddenly. I'm not sure what role stress plays in stuff like this but i'm sure it did in this case because we started "swirling the bowl" at this same point.
So fast forward to a few days ago. I get an email from her that she's going to spend a few nights in a hotel and that she wants a divorce. She can't be happy, and she can't make me happy. Basically that it's a lost cause. She said she'd call or email in a few days to give me time to think (she still hasn't, it's been 48 hours and counting).
Now, after reading the above it may sound like we had a horrible marriage. We didn't until recently and even though we had bad days we also had good days. She just decided to push me away. I love her more than words can say, but she just has underlying issues with love thanks to a shitty childhood including...you guessed it...divorce.
Another issue is that she has NO ONE in her life that's in a healthy married relationship. Her aunts are all divorced, her uncles are divorced, her best friend was never married. So she has NO ONE to talk to that would actually give her decent advice about marriage and fighting for love. If anything her aunts are the "i am woman, here me roar" types that don't need men in their lives.
Sorry for rambling on, right now i'm alone, feel discarded, the love of my life is gone, and i just see such a bleak future. As much as i plan on fighting to get her back, she's so headstrong that I doubt it will happen. The other bad thing is that this is such a bad decision for her, without even factoring in my feelings. She's only making a pittance, has no insurance, she wants to "be alone" but i don't even think she realizes how old that gets in a relatively short time and how much work it will be where we live. There's no other man, she just wants "happiness" and thinks that being alone with a crap job will somehow give her that. Not to mention she has a husband that loves her so much he would do anything for her....aside from let her go
All i want is for her to see me in a different light, accept my love, and give me a chance to prove that I can make her happy. Having things out of my control is just such a horrific feeling and the thoughts of being without her has made me literally sick. I can't even eat right now.
Sorry for rambling and thanks for listening, it means the world to me
M:39 W:35 Married: 12 years Together: 16 years No kids D bomb: 1/17/15 Filed 1/29/15 Moving out 2/2015
I remember coming here a month ago, feeling as you did, basically wanting guidance to the confusion and pain going on, and I wanted it right away.
Listen to Mach1, I too basically got the same advice.
Start with DB/DR.
What really helped me interpret DB & DR to my own situation was the coaching. Not trying to sell you anything just relaying my own positive experiences with it.
I found the forum a great place to vent, receive support, and get feedback on events.
I personally found it hard to hear "hang in there" or "take it day by day" when I was desperate for answers. But, in time, a course of action will form.
So sorry, Frank...the lack of control over one of the most important parts of your life, and the hurt really is gut wrenching but please do try to get some nutrition and sleep, take care of yourself. I know that seems like it may require more energy than you have, (I was there eight weeks ago) but you know what they say about the oxygen mask - has to go on you, first, before you can help anyone else.
I can relate to what you describe, and Michelle's article on this site, about 'where were you when I needed you.' I also avoided confronting problems in my marriage...generally, b/c I wanted to minimize them. My H spent all year pushing me further and further away...and one day there was a stress that sent him over. Despite limited income, the most important thing he says to me now is that he has to find himself, prove he can be independent, and protect himself from more pain which initially translated to giving up on me.
Sounds like your wife is also hurting, unhappy, and angry. If you haven't read DR, start there. I've also found Non violent communication by Rosenberg on youtube very good for opening my mind and heart to what was happening.
Give her the space first and your best unconditional friendship, empathy, support, when you get the chance, without trying to pull her back into a place she's decided is no good for her. Seek to understand her and connect with her when you get the chance and when she is open to it. Try to use this time to understand really what she needed from you, or where your changes need to start. Really try to feel it from her point of view. Trust me, telling them you'll do anything to make them happy doesn't go well - the first question is "then why didn't you?" and the second thing they're thinking is "you can't be a whole other person." When you do talk with her, whatever is said, try not to argue with how she feels or tell her how unhappy she'll be without you, protest or be combative in any way (even if it feels like you're fighting for your marriage) - show her you are listening like you've never listened before. This is the truest way you can show her how much she means to you right now. *It may take some time before she will be ready to open up, too.
Hang in there. One day at a time, be as good to yourself as you can be.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Thanks everyone. I did order the books from amazon, hopefully i'll have them in a day or two.
I emailed her 2 really long, heart felt emails a few days ago. She replied last night just to acknowledge that she read them and thanking me for the thoughts and she'll reply "in a few days" because hse's not ready yet. I think the hardest thing is that the night before she left, she brought my home a milkshake, we laughed and everything seemed "fine" and then the next day i get this email.
I'm trying hard not to be angry but her tactics are really hurtful. I understand wanting to email, because I also do much better in written form. I'm able to gather my thoughts together and type something coherent instead of a face to face, emotionally charged exchange which would be much less helpful. I just wish she would have sent it and come home, or even just come home the next day. At this point i have no idea when she'll be home, it's been coming on 3 full days since she left and in her email this morning she said it would be a few more days.
Anyway, I replied to her email with another pretty long email telling her i'm sorry for everything, i acknowledge her issues (i really do) but I also think that nothing is irreconcilable. I tried my best to make sure no blame was placed on her and that I accept full responsibility while also just trying to convey that the grass isn't always greener. We'll see what happens. I have been in a constant 4 day panic attack at this point. i felt a little better this morning that she at least replied but being left in limbo is really doing a number on me and my stress levels.
As dumb as this sounds, i really can't imagine life without her. We really did grow up together and the thought of her not in my life kills me. Just thinking about it makes me so sad and even sadder that she can just remove me from her life
M:39 W:35 Married: 12 years Together: 16 years No kids D bomb: 1/17/15 Filed 1/29/15 Moving out 2/2015
Hi Frank, I'm new here as well and I'm still learning my way around things. It sounds really awful, I'm so sorry you're going through this too. It really hurts so much in the beginning. I'm still learning everything but if I could give you any advice it would be to not write any more emails. After my H dropped the bomb I had the same reaction - wrote 2 long emails (8000+ words!). I express myself better in writing and there was so much I wanted to get out. I pleaded and begged in the emails, tried to remind him of the good times etc., insisted we should try and work things out. He never replied. Even so, I still sent another long email a few weeks later when he went to visit his family - that one he didn't even acknowledge! Now having read DR I see that was the worst thing I could have done.. Once you read the books you'll see the technique recommended is to not push/try to convince. I know it's really hard especially when you're completely in shock and it feels counterintuitive but the best thing is to not contact her.
I don't know if it will help you, but after my H told me (and I sent the emails) he went away for the weekend and I invited my friends over and spent several days with them going over everything. It really helped me to get all my thoughts out, but not vent them at him. Or you can start a journal, just to get everything out, but not share with her? Good luck.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
It's totally understandable, Frank. It feels to me like a part of my life turned on me and abandoned me. Like my left arm suddenly decided it didn't want to be part of my body anymore.
Try to back off for the next few days - if you've poured your heart out, anything else is going to push her away. Get out with friends and talk to people if you can. Remember that she isn't trying to hurt you, and for her this is just all about her right now. Try to find a few things that bring you peace and happiness right now - a walk in nature, fishing, whatever it is - I know it sounds absurd but it's much more productive (in all kinds of ways) then the panic if you can force yourself to do it.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
It's totally understandable, Frank. It feels to me like a part of my life turned on me and abandoned me. Like my left arm suddenly decided it didn't want to be part of my body anymore.
Try to back off for the next few days - if you've poured your heart out, anything else is going to push her away. Get out with friends and talk to people if you can. Remember that she isn't trying to hurt you, and for her this is just all about her right now. Try to find a few things that bring you peace and happiness right now - a walk in nature, fishing, whatever it is - I know it sounds absurd but it's much more productive (in all kinds of ways) then the panic if you can force yourself to do it.
Thanks, part of our issue is that we live in the middle of nowhere (really). No neighbors, no real friends here. We're both introverts anyway so it was never an issue. Part of the reason for moving here was to escape corporate life. I don't think that had any sort of involvement here though other than maybe just forcing us to finally deal with these issues.
I work from home too so i sit here all day trying to get things done and it's just a constant bombardment of thoughts and memories. I haven't tried calling her or anything, the only thing i've done is write 3 emails since she left.
Oh and today I logged in to pay credit card bills. I never pay attention to finances, i just always left it up to her. Well this morning i noticed that the day before she left she took half of our savings and deposited into a new account and also that none of her paychecks have gone into our joint account for the last year. So now i feel even more betrayed and this is probably one of the reasons she's laying low. This is TOTALLY unlike her, she's in crisis mode or something. I mean, we didn't have a big blow up before all of this. There's no confrontations of any kind. She didn't even bring up being unhappy for months....she just up and left along with half of our money. I'm not even going to bring it up with her right now because it's not worth it right now. It's just so sad right now that someone you trusted your life with can just turn on you like that NOT having a good morning right now.
M:39 W:35 Married: 12 years Together: 16 years No kids D bomb: 1/17/15 Filed 1/29/15 Moving out 2/2015
Wow. You've read Michelle's article on the WAW, right? The escape plan...I'm so sorry. I know this probably hit hard when you didn't think anything could get worse. Deceit of any kind is heart breaking.
A year ago in the middle of a fight, my H said something along the lines of 'well, I'm not trying to divorce you just yet'...we said a lot of terrible things when we fought, but that sticks out...he claims his turning point was in Nov, but I think he's been chewing on his unhappiness for a lot longer.
Get out around people. Even if you're an introvert. Today, somehow, immediately. My BD shortly before Thanksgiving so I was stuck at home in my head, crying, pacing, starving, upside down and miserable for four days - and it was amazing, when I finally got out of the house and interacted with another human being or two, the world looked a whole lot different, more reasonable, sane, like things would be ok. People matter. Call an old friend or family member that can be there for you. You'll still cry for days, but try to find someone you can laugh with, too.
Keep your dignity. No one really deserves to be left like this. It helps me to remember that H and I actually are separate people...that his choices are not a reflection of me or my character, but his. Remember you are worth loving, and her actions aren't evidence to the contrary as much as it feels otherwise.
I got nothing on the constant thoughts front. I'm battling it still, 8-9 weeks later. I'm so used to thinking my way around and through everything...it doesn't help in this situation a whole lot to think your way through feelings I guess.
But as often as I can, I try to adjust to the reality of what is happening. And tell myself cold, hard truths about it to force the adjustment, over and over again to chase out the past that is out of reach: 'My H doesn't want to be in this R anymore, this is how he is looking at it. I may be divorced before the end of the year. There is happiness ahead, even so.' I've gone back to the angry texts and insults to see exactly what was there instead of the romantic versions that keep trying to crop up in my head. Every once in a while I imagine if he came home...what would my worries be then, what are my angry, betrayed feelings then? How secure could I ever be?
Somewhere on this board they recommended the Stockdale Paradox as a reference for dealing with this. I found it helpful. Also an app called HeadSpace - at least for ten minutes at a time not to have the intrusive thoughts, but some peace.
You will be a little stronger each week.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
