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HPoirot Offline OP
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Thank you PM. Yes like you said... I do see how I've been reacting. I was beating up myself a little over this mistake. I was moved off my center. I'm still feeling that now.

That, and she did get me on the phone too to answer her questions... she called S12 to tell him to tell me she was calling with something important so I would answer.

She even texted me again tonight asking if we can talk about her getting access to our storage unit. She asks to talk everyday and today she got me to. I'll text her in the morning.

So now just letting it go. I'm only a little over a month separated from her and I'm making some progress really moving away from her.

Back, then, to enjoying my own picnic.


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
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HP,

We all backslide. But you are so quick to see, yourself, how your own expectations cause your own suffering.

You're doing great. You're actually doing better than great.

Keep digging.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 557
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Hp don't beat yourself up. You are doing really well and we all have days that are better than others. The important thing is to leave that day in the past and move forward to a new day.


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
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HP

I am not so down about this, your coach said more warmth with W. W may be temp checking but we knew this. She needed to find HP warm in his interactions.

A little warmer perhaps than absolutely DB but achieved its goal so now back to core DB. Think of it as a deliberately over warm reaction on your part and achieved its goal to keep W interacting in a warmer way.

Sandi advice on the mark for the future, but goal achieved.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 01/27/15 09:00 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Hey HP

Another set of very inspiring and moving posts. Im no where near where your at but i can empathise with your reactions to your wife saying she misses you. Of course she will. You were together a long time. I have been fighting for 6 months to save my marriage (before i knew about OM futile) and would latch onto any bit of hope my wife would throw me. She wants best of both worlds. SHe Wanted to talk to me. would email and text me. She loves the family life ..........thats what i find hard to deal with now. If we get on so well then why the hell are you with someone else. Its like they miss that comforatble feeling they get from being with you but they just cant give up the drug of the affair/OM.
You handle your self with great dignity.


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

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HPoirot Offline OP
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Hello Train, Karma, Vanilla, and SRD. Thank you for your views on my "backslide." The thing is... I really want to move on and I feel irritated I'm not along as much as I thought. Like PM suggested... I'm only good when I'm limiting the contact. When I allowed her in a little bit yesterday, I allowed myself to feel a little hopeful and then kind of crappy about it. Now I'm a little pissed off.

Today S12 has a snow day from school. First thing this morning, she texts to ask if she can pick up S12 midday for a few hours. S12 tells me she wants to take him to lunch. I wanted to go sledding with him. I don't have to though. Even so, I reply... "No thank you XW."

She replies... "Why not HP?" I don't reply.

She later texts that she didn't mind when he stayed with me to go sledding on her Saturday with him. Asks me to please say yes.

She later texts that she wants to take him to her friend's house so he can see her daughter's and please say yes.

I'm starting to feel that tired feeling of hating to hear from her again. So I'm letting my bad feelings about my having expectations yesterday send me back to the other extreme of ignoring her.

Starting to feel the "I don't want this" and "what does she want from me" feelings again.

"I miss you," was the worse possible thing she could say to me. Very cruel. Does she not realize this?

I don't feel as bad as I would have a few weeks ago. I'm taking this as a learning experience to not let her in emotionally at all.

Just keep going.


Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
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HP

what is best for S? Forget W!

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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HP,

In the grand scheme of things, it isn't a big deal. You get to choose how you look at your W's text message. You can look at it as a backslide by letting her draw you in or you can choose to look at it as a progress report about where you are at.

Utilize it as a positive. It helps you see where you are at, and where you need to get to.

Step back, evaluate this particular interaction, while removing the emotions. You might be able to see that it really isn't a big deal.

Did you let her know that you had plans?


Me:45 ExW:48
M:04/97
3 Bombs & 2 ReCons
1st BD 11/10
D Finalized 4/20
D-16 S-14
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
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I'll just restate what I said before: you guys need an agreed schedule with almost no changes.

I know she's the one who asks for the changes. I know you tried. But you need to try again. You need to do something that will settle this schedule. Involve a third party if need be.

Also, stop hesitating or agreeing to her schedule changes. You're training her to ask for them. She's rewarded for not following the schedule. I understand she's in a transition right now, but as soon as she settles, you need a permanent schedule (like week on/week off) that doesn't need to be agreed upon every few months.

These changes are not good for S12. He needs stability and predictability. He knows it's chaos between the two of you, he doesn't know what tomorrow will bring. He cannot project himself in the future. He doesn't know if his plans are going to change, whatever you promise him.

The fixed schedule will be good for her as well. She doesn't realize it now, but she'll be better able to plan her weeks and she won't have all this anxiety about asking for changes.

It's the same for you. You cannot make plans with confidence. You're constantly torn by her change requests. I've been there in the beginning and I feel much better now that it stopped. Now when WAW asks for a change (so far, only Christmas Holidays and summer vacations), I offer resistance if it's outside of the agreed schedule, at least so that she knows it's not granted. It reduces the requests.

That's just my two cents, but after several more weeks of drama around the schedule changes, I wanted to put it out there again.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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HPoirot Offline OP
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Thank you LITB and Vanilla. I did do what's best for S12 Vanilla. Last night I said we would go sledding today and he was looking forward to it.

No LITB... I did not let her know I had plans. I just said no thank you and gave her no other explanation. I did not respond to her texts explaining why she wanted to pick him up today. I understand how that could be seen as rude.

I know I'm on my way to being detached from her. Accepting we no longer have an R despite how I feel about it. Accepting she will do whatever she wants with no regard for my feelings. So I'm working to leave my feelings on the shelf. I do see I have a ways to go.

Unfortunately, I'm feeling the loss of her a little today. Feeling a desire to reach out to her and know where she is. I'm not choosing the right thoughts right now so I'm writing here to admit my feelings and then let them go.

Fortunately, I have an IC appointment over the phone today. I'm going to ask that we really move forward on how she can help me detach.

B/c honestly I did backslide emotionally and I can't afford to. I feel down and distracted. I'll come back. Just typing that and sitting up straight and putting a smile on my face made me feel better. I just have to keep choosing to feel better.

Just keep going.

Last edited by HPoirot; 01/27/15 04:51 PM.

Me: 44
W: 45
S: 11
Married: 15
Together: 18
BD: 9/29/2014
OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
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