Happiness Can Exist Only In Acceptance

[LITB]

I have only been separated from my W for a month. Funny how already this adventure has seemed very long. Now I'm just looking to settle in to getting myself together. I'm still not feeling like I'm leaving the door open for R with my W. But I'm feeling after another month of being dim, getting better at being cordial and friendly, then maybe I can give a small amount of focus to interactions with my W.

The red, bold sentence that you posted, is the key. That needs to happen first. Once you get yourself to that place, you will no longer analyze your interactions with your W. You will no longer calculate what you say or do, while interacting with her. It will come naturally in to you, and it will be a huge relief.

It will allow you to interact with your W from a place with no expectations.

The beauty of DB'ing, is that you can practice it in other aspects of your life. I worked for a company that fostered an environment of people being unaccountable and throwing others under the bus, because the owner would light people up.

One time, he came to my desk to light me up for something that wasn't designed correctly. He expected an excuse from me. He asked me what happened, and I told him that I screwed up. It left him speechless. When he was walking off, he told me not to let it happen again.

It takes practice, before it comes to you naturally.

I believe, in your sitch, you did not have much friendly contact with your W for a while after she moved?

I think our contact was mainly about our kids. I know it got ugly when I retained my attorney. Looking back, I would have done things much differently, which I did the second time. I made mistakes, yet it wasn't the end of us. We learn as we go.

You have mentioned that you haven't been GAL. I know 25 suggests volunteering, and I am of the same mindset. I read a quote that has stuck with me. It went something like this, "While you are busy helping others, you forget about the challenges in your own life". I know that I butchered it, but you get the gist of it.

GAL is important for a number of reasons:
-It helps you detach.
-It redirects your focus.
-Other opportunities might present themselves.
-It makes you feel good that you are making a difference.

Volunteering is one of the ways of GAL.

I posted this as my status yesterday:
What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal. ~Albert Pike~
The difference between success and significance.

[HPoirot]

Hello LITB. Yes thank you... and I think getting myself together is happening!

Yesterday I went to the doctor for a follow-up on ADs. I had just read Sandi's very encouraging and humbling post so was feeling many emotions. Then updating my doctor on my sitch had me a little shaky. He cleared me to double my dose to 20mg of the ADs. It's crazy right now... it seems like it takes effort have a down thought.

This AD is a wonderful drug.

I don't even feel that urge to write my usual long story.

Today I went to the IC. I was smiling... even laughing a little... while telling my sad stories.

This AD is a wonderful drug.

We talked about my parents... what my dad went through. How he only told me recently about my mom and how he told me I'd need to get stronger. How his story made the puzzle pieces in my young life come together. How I'm close with my dad now.

IC asked me about my OW. I told her about our falling in love 25 years ago and how that ended painfully. How I found her again 5 years ago and our A. How she told me she would fight for her M and we chose to stop talking.

I'm not sure why she had me talk about these things. I really want to move ahead... from this day forward. She does stress I have to get my life together right now. That's all that matters. I trust she knows what she's doing. I go back twice next week.

Did not see XW until the end of S12s basketball game. Did not look for her. She was sitting behind me and I hadn't noticed. I thought maybe she wasn't there.

S12 had a great game and was happy at the end. I walked over to him and we talked about his success. After a while XW came over, turned to me and said she'd come get our son tomorrow depending on the weather. I briefly nodded, turned said "See you guys later" to the team, and left with my son without another thought.

This AD is a wonderful drug.

Had a nice evening with S12. On the way home... I stopped to pick up some rum. S12 said it's not good for me. He said... since I'm the one taking care of him... staying with him... that I needed to take care of myself. Stop eating M&Ms and get some exercise. He said he can't count on his mom. He was serious. I didn't get the rum. I see he is watching me and me showing him I'm taking care of myself takes pressure off him. Lesson learned.

I feel much better... like I really want to do something. I have a few thousand dollars in my personal account. I felt like going out tonight.

That's all I feel to write.

This AD is a wonderful drug.

[Karma12]

Keep moving forward HP. One small step at a time. Plan something each week that you can look forward to. No matter what the future holds believe you will be ok and you will be.

[HPoirot]

Hello Karma. Thank you and yes I'm at the point now where I'm ready to find things to look forward to. It was expectations with me again... I wanted to just get into something and be immediately interested and transported to a better place mentally. But this morning I'm feeling so good I ready to really give GAL a try.

More schedule changes. XW changed the schedule so she gets S12 only on weekends until she gets her own place next month. Today she was supposed to pick S12 up for the day at 10am. She texted me this morning to say she would get him at noon instead. So she's consistent about being inconsistent.

I mentioned to S12 last night that we could go sledding if it snowed enough. Overnight we did get snow. So, this morning he texted his mom that he wanted to stay with me today. She agreed.

I'm very happy to have S12 today. If I could, I would have him everyday.

Wondering, though, if this is good her being inconsistent with schedules. S12 doesn't want to stay at her aunt's and I wonder if she can even make her apartment happen in a month. If S12 doesn't want to stay at her aunt's, should I still insist she keep him the nights she said she would?

Anyway... I'm going to go sledding with my boy. Then maybe bowling.

I hope you enjoy your day too.

[sandi2]

Your son seems to be very wise. He knows you are the stable factor in his life and it must concern him when he sees you take less than a healthy choice. He may even have thoughts if something happened to make you sick where you couldn't take care of him, then what?

Under other circumstances I might give a different POV, but since you wish you had S12 more, and since conditions at the aunt's are not the best, I would say to be flexible and let him stay with you. I think it would take a little stress from him. He may feel victimized when he's force to stay there. I doubt it is going to make her get her act together any faster by pressing it. In most cases I do not have this opinion regarding scheduling, etc. However, for S12's sake, I say to go with the flow and see how that works. You can always make adjustments later.

[Vanilla]

Your son seems to be very wise. He knows you are the stable factor in his life and it must concern him when he sees you take less than a healthy choice. He may even have thoughts if something happened to make you sick where you couldn't take care of him, then what?

Under other circumstances I might give a different POV, but since you wish you had S12 more, and since conditions at the aunt's are not the best, I would say to be flexible and let him stay with you. I think it would take a little stress from him. He may feel victimized when he's force to stay there. I doubt it is going to make her get her act together any faster by pressing it. In most cases I do not have this opinion regarding scheduling, etc. However, for S12's sake, I say to go with the flow and see how that works. You can always make adjustments later.

Absolutely HP, 100% agree with Sandi.

It's temporary and s12 is happier this way. What a wonderful s12 you have who loves, trusts and has such insight.

V

[Ontheup]

HP

Your story is an inspiration. BD for me only a week ago so im still completly numb. Reading your posts though has made me feel a lot better and how much can be acheived if you just get out there and grab it. Grab life and make the most. Your relationship with your son is amazing. I have D8 and we have a brilliant relationship. Taking her ice skating tomorrow. She still doesnt know anything about my wife and I which is scary and makes me feel sick but the situation is what is I only have control over myself not others.
Interested to read about your OW. An ex GF of mine from 15years ago (pre my wife) contacted me a few months back. Now as tempting as it was to get involved with this woman and she made it clear she wanted to even though she is married i had to tell her that i wouldnt. It just didnt sit right. Your making the right decision to leave that OW alone. If its meant to be in the future then it will.

Keep posting.

[HPoirot]

Figured I'd post this video, since you are feeling a little frustrated today. One of my favorite clips. Perhaps you have seen it posted around these part.

Rocky's Inspirational speech to his son...

It aint about how hard you can hit. It's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward.

Thank you for this reminder LITB. You're right... The Rock shows us the way to be. I'll be keeping your post in mind as I'm moving forward.

[HPoirot]

Your son seems to be very wise. He knows you are the stable factor in his life and it must concern him when he sees you take less than a healthy choice. He may even have thoughts if something happened to make you sick where you couldn't take care of him, then what?

Under other circumstances I might give a different POV, but since you wish you had S12 more, and since conditions at the aunt's are not the best, I would say to be flexible and let him stay with you. I think it would take a little stress from him. He may feel victimized when he's force to stay there. I doubt it is going to make her get her act together any faster by pressing it. In most cases I do not have this opinion regarding scheduling, etc. However, for S12's sake, I say to go with the flow and see how that works. You can always make adjustments later.

Hello Sandi, Vanilla, and SRD. Yes my son is really looking out for me. I do see how he wants to make things better. I make it a point to talk to him about relaxing and having fun as much as he can. That none of this is his fault, I am taking care of myself, and he will be OK.

Not much to say today. XW wanted to pick up S12 at 2pm today instead of keeping him all day like she promised. I insisted she get him at 10am. She did bring him back an hour early, though. Sent me a text to explain why and to thank me. Said the bad scheduling would last much longer as she will get her apartment next month.

This week I've been consistently dim and pulled way way back from her. All her daily calls on money and taxes I let go to VM. I answer immediately on S12 items by text. I'm feeling fine with this very minimal contact with her. I'm still considering being more warm and responding to her asking me to "please please" return her calls. Maybe in another month.

Today I was much lazier than I wanted to be. Very sleepy this afternoon and napped for a few hours. I didn't go for a run today and that was a mistake.

Otherwise, I feel good. Like I said before... I just have to get moving and GAL and get back to work.

If I have the funds and coverage for S12, I will attend the EE workshop. I'll decide that this week.

And I'm going to try to take a little break from posting here. No expectations... I'm just having faith that I'll have nothing critical to talk about this week.

So, here's to my life getting more interesting in a good way.

Onward.

[sandi2]

Okay, we will miss you, so don't be gone too long.