I have to agree with the other posters. You are charting dangerous territory. I'll give you credit for being honest, and a 2x4 for keeping this close enough to make a difficult situation, more challenging. It tempting, and it clearly has your attention.
You and your OW are both very vulnerable right now. There is an attraction of having the attention from her, especially because your W isn't there to fill that void. Two wrongs don't make a right.
As has been suggested, lose her number. I'd also suggest changing your number and if you are friends on social media, block her.
Originally Posted By: HPoirot
I read your sitch LITB again from the beginning. Saw how detachment came for you for real a little more than a year in. I really looking at how my anger and treatment of my W are keeping me from detaching. Not letting her go on her path.
Detachment is no joke. It took confirming OM was in the picture, to finally let go completely. I learned a lot in that time. Nearly 14 months. It is crazy to look back at it now. Now I know what worked and didn't work in my sitch.
As painful as it was, I am grateful for being able to grow. I certainly wouldn't be who I am today if it didn't happen.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I feel I'm not one to comment to much on anyone's sitch only because I'm still doing the hard navigating of my own... I can however relate very much to that temptation. I went through the same thoughts as things were unraveling for me. Your a good man for not doing it and just deleting the number... it can be so tempting, but won't really get you where you need to be... keep up the hard fight you are doing great!
M:34 W:34 D:8 D:5 M:10 T:15 BD: 10/10/14 D filed: 10/21/14 PA/EA:09/2013 EA:09/2014 - on going (online)
Hello Dawn, zew, Jan, TSquared2, Vapo, and Andy. So yes I did delete my OWs number. I will leave her alone like she asked. She knows and respects that I'm trying to save my M.
Even so... today I learned again trying to save my M is not what I'm supposed to be doing.
Took S12 to my IC today. On the way, W texted to ask if I was still taking S12 to the IC like I said I would when I told her about my IC. I just replied "Yes."
At the start of the session, she texted to ask if I would call after the session. Also if she could take S12 to dinner. I did not answer.
S12 was nervous but did well. He held back a lot. He made it clear what he wanted what all kids in these sitches want. It was sad. The IC talked about how it would be a slow process to get used to a new reality but he would be OK.
I talked with my IC alone at the end.
I told her about S12's waking up in the middle of the night disoriented. He sleepwalks a little when he's stressed and then doesn't remember. I told her about his "I'm useless" and "I'm done living" and "Without my family I'm nothing" talk. About his mom screaming at him. About him saying he's stressed and depressed. About him being extra helpful around the condo to take care of me. About my saying "you will be alright" instead of "we will be alright."
She says it's a process. He has to slowly get used to the truth.
I tell her about recent events... my W screaming at S12... his sadness after basketball games... my being cordial to W.
IC mentions she met with W about S12 and that she made further appointments. I say I did not expect W to make further appointments with my IC and S12. IC gives me the option to cancel W's upcoming appointments as a conflict of interest. I decline.
IC suggests I get together with W and S12 for co-parenting counseling after W's upcoming sessions with S12. I say I'll consider it but I don't want to anytime soon.
IC also suggests that, if S12 is angry at his mom and wants to scream and curse her and hang up the phone on her... that I let him do it. That is how I validate his feelings. That he's not wrong to let it all out.
She asks how I am. I am much better... ADs are working. I'm even cheerful sometimes. This is excellent.
I then tell IC about my hour long conversation yesterday with my OW. How she said 5 years ago during our A she intended to leave her H but couldn't b/c she couldn't move back to the USA with her kids. How now she has moved her family to the USA to make that reason go away. How she told me all her feelings for me and that she's not strong enough.
I told IC I removed OW's number from my phone. She asked why. I said, b/c I wanted to call her and she asked me not to. I said b/c I didn't want to destroy her family. I said b/c I wanted to save my M.
My IC then very firmly said... "HP, your M is over."
As many time as I've heard it here... it was another thing all together to hear her say it out loud.
She said... "It clear to me, from speaking to both of you, that this has been coming for many years. But... can you think of this as the best thing that has ever happened to you? "
She mentioned my OW... that she said what she said for a reason. That all this is happening for a reason. That it's clear I've never let OW go and so I was not present in my M. That if me and my OW both get D's that maybe that is the best thing that could happen for both of us. That I have to clean up the mess that is my M before I can be in any new R... with my W or my OW or anyone else. That, if my OW wants to talk... that I should let her. Just go slowly. That I have to really think about what I really want. If I really do have a genuine love for my W.
I have 2 appointments with my IC next week to detach from my W and M. IC says I'm not yet to acceptance... that I'm still grieving. The my W is still grieving. Doesn't matter. I have to get to acceptance. My M is over.
...
At the end of the session... W texts me... "I guess no dinner."
I reply... "S12 is tired. We have dinner."
"How did it go? I am so worried," she texts.
"S12 is fine." I reply.
Nothing else.
...
When I pulled up to the condo, I looked at S12. He was asleep. I just kept looking at him. He's a good boy. I wanted to text my W... "S12 is not fine. He deserves better that this." I know not to guilt my W. It causes her resentment and that causes her anger. I'm not trying to save my M anymore. It's just helpful to him when his mom is not angry.
Later... S12 was sad going to bed. I told him he would be OK.
He's having trouble going to sleep. I expect him to do his sleepwalking tonight. I'll help him back to bed like I do. I will not tell XW about it. I'll take care of my boy by myself.
I'm a single divorced dad putting his life back together.
Puts a smile on my sad face to say that.
Last edited by HPoirot; 01/21/1503:12 AM.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
HP, about the OW.....just no. Not now. You don't want any part of breaking up her M amd yours needs to be resolved first anyway. If it's supposed to work out later it will. Not now. Maybe tomorrow I'll tell you a story. Right now I've had a rough day and I'm tired.
