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Hi Sandi
I get what your saying. as far as me moving out can you advise. Months ago before I knew wife had said she needed space . Temporary seperation is what we agreed. Last week just before I knew and when I found out again she was saying I had never given her any space.she has no idea what she is doing and can't think.Now knowing what I know am I still wise to move out? At the moment it's like a pressure cooker. My daughter almost found me on the couch this morning. I'm trying to be friendly and civil because of our daughter but I'm sure she knows something is wrong. Most people seem to say don't move out although I have seen the odd one who has. I have no leverage as if I say I'm staying then she will move and financially I can't manage.


Last edited by SRD; 01/24/15 08:40 AM.

Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 374
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Why do I feel worse in the mornings


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 374
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Originally Posted By: DaddyLongShanks
Originally Posted By: SRD
Wife jst called to ask me how i am after getting knocked of my bike this morning. I explained said im ok etc but left it at that. She told me she was on her way to a meeting and I just said be careful (bad weather) and left it at that. also just confirmed what we are doing for tea. I am being friendly and civil but leaving it at that. Not prying into what she is doing


How did she know you got "knocked off your bike"? I wouldn't be broadcasting any failures or negative events, it's like doing it to your nemesis. Each one of them prove you are less of a "man" than the OM. I wouldn't say a word.


I sent her an email to let her know. It is logged on my social cycling site. If I hadn't have told her she wold have found out from her brother who is on same site and it would of seemed a bit weird that I didn't tell her. I was looking for sympathy. I was just straight to the point. I did think about not mentioning it though


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 374
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Originally Posted By: DaddyLongShanks
Originally Posted By: SRD
I need some advice please.
I am looking at moving out as soon as possible. renting somewhere and leave our tenants in our other house. I need to move on and cant whilst still here whilst my wife is still involved with OM. I have no idea what the situation is between them now. But she is still working with him so as far as im concerned she still chooses to be with him.
I have seen on these boards though that I should not move out. The problem is I cant afford to live here on my own if my wife moved out. How will she see any consequences though if she gets to stay in her house without really losing anything? My daughter will be here half the week and our cat (silly I know but I love him to) Will the fact that im no longer around to fetch and carry be enough that she thinks about what she is doing?


Well you could move out and stop making your contribution...

Of course it would be better if she couldn't afford and had to move out.


unfortunately my wife earns a lot more than I do. I cant afford to be here on my own and she knows that. There is very little I can do other than moving out. Yes there will be no contribution to this house though. I will be looking after my daughter 50% of the time and already contribute to school fees, pay for her other hobbies so I think that's more than fair. When we've had some time apart we will then need to decide what we do financially. Im going to see a solicitor next week just to see where I stand


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 374
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Originally Posted By: Toots
Hi SRD

Many people on the board do say not to move out. But if you can't afford to remain there and you want to separate, that may be what you need to do. I moved out, but my sitch was different in that we have no kids and H's S lived with us at weekends. At the time, I just went to stay with my parents for a bit, and then that became more permanent when H didn't end the A. Looking back, I wouldn't have wanted to disrupt SS anyway.

In terms of consequences, of course there are plenty of these if you S. There is the huge consequence of no longer being a family together in a home with your D. There are also financial consequences, social consequences (how will others react). There is also the consequence that the R with OM will take the 'strain' if you are not living together and providing practical and moral support.

So, whilst many aren't in favour of moving out, I would say do what you need to do in the circumstances. Do what is best for you and to give your D the best home life possible if you do separate. Sorry she had a tough day. Hope she's feeling all better now.

Toots :-)

Hey toots

Thanks for that. I have to accept that there is nothing I can do about me staying here. Your right about the consequences. Our roles are quite revered to the norm in that I am the one who looks after the home in general. Has been very much so whilst she was getting her business off the ground. So housework, cooking etc all done by me as I had more time to do it whilst working at home. My wife is a pretty messy sort of person. I suppose with me not here that will only get worse. And yes she spent a lot of time talking with me. We have still been best of friends up until the point of me finding out last week. Financially yes she will be worse off.




Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 374
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Maybe our roles being reversed so much have helped in this break down. Does she just see my as the stay at home dad who does all the housework? (I do have a full time job as well) Im certainly not as ambitious as I was when we met. I took a back seat so she could concentrate on her business. Seeing me in slobs most days I understand doesn't really do it for her any more. I used to wear shirt and tie every day. Looked good.


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 374
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Wife has thrown me a big 180 this morning. We've had all this sh1t with my mum for according to my wife years. I agree my mum has interfered and does show traits of narcissism. My wife months ago said she was done with my mum. Wouldn't ask her for anything stopped contacting her. Anytime we needed my mum to help with D it would come from me.
Anyway, this morning my wife says she has text my mum to ask if she can pick her up next week. I was like what!?
for months she has been slagging her off blaming all our marriage problems on her and now your texting her to ask for help? WTF!
I asked my mum and she said she was also surprised by this.


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 374
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My wife was also questioning about what im doing this afternoon. She has gone out with our D all day. She was suspicious. she asked a few times. I just said I had no plans, needed to do some work on my bike. Why does she care? Presuming this is pointing back to me admitting my wrong doings and now she thinks im having an affair.


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 374
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Wife and D8 just rang. I was friendly on the phone asking if they had a good time. Wife was a bit annoyed due to amount of money she has just had to spend. I kept the conversation upbeat we talked about want we're having for tea etc. Kept ot short and sweet and ended teh call.


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

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Quote:
I get what your saying. as far as me moving out can you advise. Months ago before I knew wife had said she needed space . Temporary seperation is what we agreed. Last week just before I knew and when I found out again she was saying I had never given her any space.she has no idea what she is doing and can't think.Now knowing what I know am I still wise to move out? At the moment it's like a pressure cooker. My daughter almost found me on the couch this morning. I'm trying to be friendly and civil because of our daughter but I'm sure she knows something is wrong. Most people seem to say don't move out although I have seen the odd one who has. I have no leverage as if I say I'm staying then she will move and financially I can't manage.


If you can't manage financially to live there without her, then find a place you can afford. I see it as protecting yourself financially, and you won't be dependent on her. That is important. Another thing that is important is to remove yourself from being her chief cook and bottle washer..........and every thing else she is use to you doing. The WAW needs to be hit with reality hard & fast. As long as you rescue her or do every thing for her, it won't happen. She will continue just as she is and your M won't stand a chance.

Living apart can lead to couples working things out. Let me point out a couple of things. First of all, if she's in an A, her reasons behind a S and your reasons will probably be different. Sure she is not saying that to you, but she just wants you out in order to get on with her life. In the meantime, you think you are S for the purpose of giving her space and working on saving the M. Two entirely different camps.

My advice is to get far enough you can't be considered in the same neighborhood and you don't have to drive by her place to get to yours. This is to help you. Have NC except for necessary co-parenting. She says she wants space..........give her lots. Have zero expectations. If this has a chance, it will take her time to get through her mess and then make her way back to you. The best way of speeding it up is to stay out of her way. Build a life for you and your D8. You cannot stand in your door watching to see if she's coming yet, and checking your calendar to see why she's taking so long. Know what I mean? It doesn't work that way. What works is you turning loose.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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