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Originally Posted By: SRD
Hey Sandi

I complexly agree. I'm not proud of what I did but I did what I did and have to live with that. As far as double standard I can accept that. This is not an excuse but just an explanation. We were already in trouble when this happened, Intimacy in our marriage was dwindling and I didn't know why nor had the skills to find out. The events happened on nights out when I was very drunk and I was the one pursued. I was weak and gave in. The only positive I can take is that I felt so guilty I couldn't go through with it. Again this is not an excuse as there isn't one just an explanation.


Unfortunately while your actions do not fit within the normal DB system nor normal 180 solutions, they did do something as you can see. Your wife is PISSED, and it's an obvious double standard that even she can't lie to herself about. I was never a tit for tatter, but my new belief system is the cheating is more fun as long as the betrayed stays faithful. As soon as the betrayed gets a gf or bf and starts up the sex and having fun with someone else instead of waiting on spouse to return, it dumps cold water on the heat of their affair. They can now see it for what it really is, because they really think what you did was dirty and despicable...

Originally Posted By: SRD


As far as the strippers. This was innocent. There was nothing in it at all. It wasnt something enjoyable but embarrassing. Did I say no? No, I just went along with it to be "one of the boys" Have I ever had that again? No. Again this is not an excuse. To be fair I did tell her about the strippers straight away. My wife is no wall flower when it comes to that sort of thing either.


Strippers is a normal part of many "good" relationships even, of course with rules. Still guys and ladies do things that if their spouse was there they probably would not do... But it is good your wife knows you have a life outside of her.

I take it your story could end up being one of the more positive DB stories in the end if you do what you are supposed to do.

Originally Posted By: SRD


Your right i wouldnt have admitted it had i not found out.
Begging and crying first ? No. I found out asked her, she admitted and said something aong the lines of "well i have no idea what you have done either" so i just admitted it.


How did she respond immediately after this? I take it there was a very quick change in her attitude. You know they are like on god mode when they cheated you, and when you reveal you've done your own it takes that away.

"I didn't really want to, but you've been neglecting my needs for a very long time"

Originally Posted By: SRD


Im not judging anything. I think we have both made some very bad choices. We live under the same roof for the moment so we have agreed no more talk about it and just be friendly so as not to upset our daughter.

As far as reconcilliation. It is looking highly unliekly that is going to happen. The man she is having an affair with is her business partner so not as easy as just to end it. Im of the mindset now to detach work on me and be the best dad i can be.


SMH.

Originally Posted By: SRD


As far as more surprises, there are none from my side. Im not convinced on her time line of her affair though. Red flags suggest it has been going on much longer. They my have only been physical 6 months or so ago but she has been involved with him for much longer im pretty sure of that.


Some of her friends know about it. You can find out which friends know about it by planting a VAR in her car. Also didn't you find out this stuff from phone text chats? Perhaps in her chats to some of her friends it's discussed so you can go back in history.

It doesn't take long to go from inappropriate comments to physical, not long at all.

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Wife has been very friendly again this evening. Making chit chat about nothing really. She rang on way home from work to check about tea as well.
Why's? She doesn't need to. I really wish our other house was available sooner so I can just get out. For one I don't fancy sleeping on our couch for the next 2 months and sneaking about so as not alert my daughter.
I'm of the mind set now that they can be together. Let him deal with her mess and untidiness. I'm pretty sure if they had a real relationship that the gloss would wear off pretty quick. She is not the easiest person to live with. Even her best friend has made comments over the years on how patient I have been putting up with her. When I asked her dad for his blessing before we got married he laughed and said do you know what your letting yourself in for. I need to detach which is impossible whilst we're living like this.


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

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OK

Been knocked off my bike this morning on way to work. Karma? who knows

Anyway feel sh**t this morning. Very down. Cant concentrate on anything. Need pull myself together. I really dont know how we're going to get through another 2 months living like this.
I was friendly this morning. Made my wife a cup of tea like i always have done. maybe i should be doing that as that obviously wont be happening when im not around.
I'm also sick of being on the couch. Im worried about my daughter finding out beofre we're ready to tell her.


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 374
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whilst working this morning my mind has been wandering over stuff that has been said in the last 6 months.
One of the things that i was thinking about is that my wife had an employee earlier in teh year. He was divorced after wife ahd an affair.
He was rubbish so she let him go but during his time she hated him. APart from being rubbish at his job he was constantly depressed about his situation. Always moaning about it. he also never did anything. Never went anywhere, never went out.

She was preety scathing about him. I always said i feel a little bit sorry for him. It makes sense now. He wasnt a good person to be around. He was negative. He had not detached and GAL and my wife could see that (she doesnt know about DB) and found it very unatractive.
I will not let myself fall into that. I try to stay upbeat around her. I am organising to do thngs with my daughter. I took her out the other day for a big walk and made snowmen. Weekend i will take her horse riding and and hopefully ice skating. Its very hard but i must stay strong. These are attractive qualties.


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 374
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Also been thinking about her situation when she was growing up. Her parents seperated when she was 8 or 9 (H PA) She lived with her mum. Sadly 2 years later hem mum got terminal cancer and sadly passed away when she was 11. In the time of seperation though her parents got on very well and he was around all the time. I think she sees this as a positive in splitting up. Her dad though now carries around a huge amount of guilt for what he did. He has never really met anyone else. He is in a relationship but it is not normal.

This is completly opposite to my upbring. My parenst divorced when i was 11. AT teh time i was too young to know why but my mum hated my dad. They haven't spoken sionce they split. I spent many years not in contact with my dad. That has only changed in tehlast couple of years. We now get on quite well and the truth has come out about what happened. only taken 30 years. My mum thoug is scathing about my dad. All her family are. using words like B***tard. It has taken me all this time t realise that what she has done and said about my dad is tottaly unacceptable no matter what he did for his part in teh marriage break down. I will never let that happen to us.


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 374
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Wife jst called to ask me how i am after getting knocked of my bike this morning. I explained said im ok etc but left it at that. She told me she was on her way to a meeting and I just said be careful (bad weather) and left it at that. also just confirmed what we are doing for tea. I am being friendly and civil but leaving it at that. Not prying into what she is doing


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
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SRD, I am going to try and catch up on your situation this morning, but it would be helpful if you had some of the basics in your signature line.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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Ontheup Offline OP
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Hi Jefe

Updated

cheers


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

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Quote:
I have now pulled right back and need to concentrate on me. Just need to bare it for another 2 months till i can move out and detach properly.


How do you mean "detach properly"?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Hi Sandi
I thought I was detaching as inwasn't pursuing my wife anymore. No more affection on emails texts etc doing my own thing. I now realise I wasn't. I was still in the begging and hoping pursuing phase. I was doing stuff in the hope it would impress her and turn things around.
I now realise it was futile as she already checked out.
We agreed before I found out that I would move back to our other house just round the corner to give her some space. I now realise what that means. We agreed temporary seperation to see how we both feel. I now really need to get out. We are freindly around each other but is just wafer thin. No meaning to it.
We' ll need to talk before I go to put some ground rules in place. Is this temporary, finances child care etc. I will then be pulling right back. I won't be here anymore to run around after her.


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

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