OK, so I said what I said in GREAT FRUSTRATION because it feels so profoundly unfair to me that my STBX could just walk away from his parental responsibilities and leave me holding the bag. I felt like HIS karma bus had hit ME.
FWIW, I think the karma bus HAS hit him -- because he's lost me and 80% of his kids -- he just doesn't realize yet what he's lost.
Life is not fair....blech! I totally understand where you're coming from. My H is in lots of pain because of his back and sometimes I think "karma's a b!" Of course I don't really want him in pain.
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
It's going to vent here Maybell just as long as it's a vent and not a real thought
im sure we have all had thoughts like that on a down day ( I know I have)
You're doing amazing and your kids are lucky to have you. Your H is the one missing out. Maybe he will see that one day maybe he won't ... But that's up to him to figure out.
Hi Maybell, you are doing so well and are so strong.
I just wanted to remark on your comment a ways back about how people are saying you look good and your posture is better and that you have changed. I am getting the same comments from my friends. One said "you are glowing" and several have said that I look better and seem a thousand times happier (than before BD). That I seem like I am "doing great" and "this has obviously been a good thing for you".
I think that is telling.
To be honest, half of the time I feel sad. I guess I am hiding that pretty well if people are telling me I seem so great. But what it does really show me is that if we appear to be doing so much better and our demeanors have changed then something has happened /is happening inside us that people can actually see! Some days we feel good and some bad but we are doing better than before BD if I am to believe what people are telling me!
The true spirit of karma is to do no harm. It especially applies to our thoughts. A Buddhist friend of mine told me way before my own marital breakdown that their choice of action is to pray for those who hurt us - for 30 consecutive days. Apparently, it's really hard to despise or hate someone you pray for. I've not had to do that, but I think it's probably right.
Betsey, in what manner do Buddhists pray? Do you know? Did your friend say? I like this approach, it's very loving.
I suppose, in a way, it does really matter, especially as I'm an atheist anyway. I'd just wish for strength, wisdom, love and an open mind ... for both of us.
(Not so) Old Dog xx
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
Old Dog, you sit and meditate for a bit to settle your mind, then you picture the person and imagine blessings as colored light flowing into their heart, and darkness coming out of them. Measure it with your breaths.
You can do this for yourself as well. I find it very calming. White light into my heart, darkness out of the crown of my head.
Nothing to report here. S8 is about to be S9. Kids have not had the sort of giant meltdowns they had when I was last here. H has called twice for about ten minutes for the 3 kids.
I would like to date very lightly. Just go GAL with someone I don't really know so I can get to know a new person. Not talk about my sitch but just go enjoy time together. Not form a major relationship but just have fun and learn new things from a new person.
The house I was interested in sold so God made that door close. there's absolutely NOTHING to rent around here and the more affordable houses are in a different school zone from what my kids are in. Oddly enough, the less expensive houses are assigned to the better schools, so it's tempting to consider changing, but I'm really worried about taking my kids away from their friends and myself away from the support network I built before I went back to work. Also my childcare situation is about to get complicated...
Im working to trust that my path will be made clear for me because so far it has been. It's a challenge to have faith at the moment because so much is unsettled and I really want to move forward in the life I choose for myself, rather than cleaning up the messes left by STBX's choices in our marriage. All will be well.
Also, I broke my 2nd toe and it hurts even to put my slippers on, so the exercise I intended to get this weekend is in question. This too shall pass.
In 6-8 months I will have lived through all this. All the drama will be settled and I'll be figuring out what goals I want to set myself to keep growing. It will be interesting to see how that all works out.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Hey Maybell - You don't have to sort your living situation out until the spring, right?
I think rentals are just like sale houses, more of them pop up at that time of year when the kids are done with school - so I bet you'll have more choice soon.
I remeber the to-do list was a little intimidating at the beginning but you'll cip away at it. Any luck finding a good lawyer?
Raliced, I don't have to sort my housing till spring... But spring starts in six weeks. And our school area is really small, so even if things open up we're only talking fewer than five houses available on average for sale OR rent, and most of them either affordable but too small, or right sized but too expensive. And I do NOT want to live in a house that is being prepared for sale.
I found a good lawyer but the appointment is still ten days away. I'm using that time to comb through the finances to really understand my expenses. Also will be speaking to a financial advisor to help me with the rent vs. buy decision (and a few other things). I'm leaning towards buy because I really need the tax deduction, and because it's very possible a mortgage payment could be significantly less than the rent, depending on what and where I buy. Also, I lean emotionally towards buying as a means of calming my anxiety about how unstable my living conditions have been for the last 18 years. As head of my own household I would be able to relax into keeping my home for as long as I want it, rather than only as long as my STBX enjoys his job.
I do worry about moving my kids' school at this stage in our lives. Anyone have input on that?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I'll let others comment on moving the kids to different schools. I'm sure someone has gone throught it. Since the geographic area you're describing is pretty small - have you explored if they would still let you go to your current school?
I live in an area with a crazy patchwork of tiny school districts. Technically D6 is supposed to be going to a different school, but since I commute through town they let me go into that district - pretty loosey goosey with the rules.
The mortgage interest is huge. Not only do I get to take the decuction - but in conjunction with a single income it knocked me down into the 15% bracket. You sound great Maybell!
there's absolutely NOTHING to rent around here and the more affordable houses are in a different school zone from what my kids are in. Oddly enough, the less expensive houses are assigned to the better schools, so it's tempting to consider changing, but I'm really worried about taking my kids away from their friends and myself away from the support network I built before I went back to work. Also my childcare situation is about to get complicated...