Maybell XXVIII Living In the Moment

[Ss06]

Wow! I love how you centered your kids, Maybell!

That was amazing! Yes, we'd all love a partner who can tag in when we need a second to regroup and strategize but we don't, just as you showed, there are other options. It IS ok to step out, breathe for a second and tag back in on your own and it looks like you did just that.

Amazing.

You are the comforting force that brings your children peace. Know that.

(((hugs)))

[zew]

I feel a freedom in the loss of my M that makes me realize how far I had shrunk while in it.

Hope the karma bus gets their dad. Nothing like acting like completely walking out on his family and behaving like an uncle to make me never want to see him again. How selfish can one person be? If there was any question in my mind that I don't need to feel badly about hiring a more aggressive lawyer tonight is solving that.

Two quotes. One liberating, full of promise. The other, not so much.
Invest your energy where there is return. Will it really help you if he's run over by the karma bus?

[Maybell]

Zew, no. I was just venting during a moment of stress. Not my best self.

[SunnyB]

Will it really help you if he's run over by the karma bus?

No, but it was amusing

[Ggrass]

Come on folks we all have fantasies of dozens of different Karma's running them over.

It's funny and I doubt any of us act on them nor do they come true.
They are a good way to divert, the wanting to do something into nothing.

[zew]

Sorry, I didn't mean to admonish. Let me add some color.

I'm leery of the karma bus right now. I have a feeling it's going to leave a nasty accident scene. Not knowing yet how custody will work out, my kids have a pretty good chance of being in the car at the time.

So I'm kinda hoping W takes a safe driving course and figures out a way to stay safe.

I've found that wanting her to find a safe way through this mess has helped my attitude as well. I don't need her to fail for me to succeed. I need her to be a good co-parent, and that's it. Karma's going to mess with that.

So I put Karma in the same category as Grim Reaper. Inevitable, and not something to fear, but not a welcome house guest either.

Ooo this post is a downer! I promise to be more upbeat next time.

[Underdog]

Maybell,

I love hearing your updates. They are fun and witty and honest. I have to admit, when you mentioned the kids at each others' throats, part of me can see that they are siblings. Yes, they have some additional stuff they're dealing with, but really, not so different than anybody else? I know that my siblings and I were definitely at each others' throats. It always amazes me that we wound up friends as adults.

I think you *will* recognize the "show me" thing. Trust yourself. Some things you just know when you see them. I love this concept. It's like watching an eager student willing to learn algebra. They relish the act of learning something new. Again, trust yourself.

And I know you mentioned venting. So I'm not challenging you here. Just piggy backing Zew's astute observations.

If you consider the karma bus as natural consequences, they will be present naturally - without any intervention or desire from us. Besides, I wouldn't want my kids to know that I wished harm on their dad. He was good enough for me to marry and parent with, so why does that change?

I knew the consequences of his leaving and our subsequent divorce. He moved into a house of his own. As my D20 has said all along, "Dad, my home is where mom is. Your house is where I stay when I'm not at home." THAT commentary was her truth, it was said without any anger or bitterness, and it hit him in the solar plexus about as hard as anything I've ever seen. THAT was his karma bus. And I will be honest. It was extremely painful for me to watch it hit him. I loved that man and was married to him for 15 years. Although I knew this and our MC told him this, he seemed as stunned as someone who never thought about it.

I'm leery of the karma bus right now. I have a feeling it's going to leave a nasty accident scene. Not knowing yet how custody will work out, my kids have a pretty good chance of being in the car at the time.

Smart man, Lew. They have more than a good chance of being on that bus. She's the only mom they know and have. They love her because of that. It's their pain to watch their mom experience pain and suffering.

And I so LOVE this. Love, love!

I don't need her to fail for me to succeed. I need her to be a good co-parent, and that's it.

It's not a downer, Zew. Really. Because watching someone else experience their own personal train wreck - particularly the other parent of the children you both love - is extraordinarily painful. If you're judgmental, you probably think they deserve it. But if you're honest, you admit that you're human too. I know I did.

The true spirit of karma is to do no harm. It especially applies to our thoughts. A Buddhist friend of mine told me way before my own marital breakdown that their choice of action is to pray for those who hurt us - for 30 consecutive days. Apparently, it's really hard to despise or hate someone you pray for. I've not had to do that, but I think it's probably right.

I also promise you I'm not on the civil rights bus for the WAS today! Really! But somehow, in my past when I've wished someone to stumble, it might happen, but I almost always find myself getting to stumble too. I don't like backfiring! I don't need to create more inner work than I already have!

Now, back to our discussion already in progress...

Betsey

[paul19510]

^^^^^^^^^

[Maybell]

OK, so I said what I said in GREAT FRUSTRATION because it feels so profoundly unfair to me that my STBX could just walk away from his parental responsibilities and leave me holding the bag. I felt like HIS karma bus had hit ME.

Of course I don't wish harm to him. I have, for the record, wished for wellness and peace for him every single day that I've written in my prayer journal. I did marry him, I do still love him, and I always will. But I am NOT HAPPY with having no back up or support on the days when the kids are riding my last nerve. Especially when that's a day that they were playing beautifully together, then went to lunch with him, then came home screaming and fighting.

FWIW, I think the karma bus HAS hit him -- because he's lost me and 80% of his kids -- he just doesn't realize yet what he's lost.

[Mozza]

OK, so I said what I said in GREAT FRUSTRATION because it feels so profoundly unfair to me that my STBX could just walk away from his parental responsibilities and leave me holding the bag. I felt like HIS karma bus had hit ME.

Many of us can relate to the sense of unfairness. The common thread seems to be that WAS get to have all the fun and we get all the pain. No need to take care of the kids, to repair a M, but probably romance and... Well, no need to twist the knife. I went so far as wondering why is it that not everybody becomes a WAS. it seems so great. I find myself finding peace in two things: karma never forgets about you and I shouldn't compare anyway.

In your case, one would hope that ultimately you'll have a richer R with your kids, which is a win for you. But I get your point loud and clear.