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Another thing I just thought of...

It was so counterintuitive for me to not let myself feed into the energy, and set that boundary to not hear things about him. I have always been a need-to-know-everything kinda gal. So when people here told me to step away from that stuff, I was absolutely convinced that I was different, and that my sitch was different, and I was ok hearing it. Even worse...that I absolutely needed to know certain things.

I was lying to myself.

Eventually, the heartbreak pain became greater than the need to know.

The first time I asserted that boundary, I didn't do it because I wanted to. I did it because nothing I was doing was working. And I finally listened to what people here said to do, knowing I really didn't believe in it. I did it anyway.

Afterward, I felt this incredible sense of... Lack of better word... Pride. I was proud of myself for stating what I needed. It felt good to honor myself. It was a sense of confidence inside, that I am in control of what I let in.

Having that sense of control over ME...was amazing. Because it is REAL. We mistakenly believe we control outside stuff. We eventually learn we really do not.

Your confidence will soar once you begin honoring yourself and your boundaries, Mighty. THAT will pull you out of some of this funk like nothing else.

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Mighty Offline OP
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daring, shining, bea, aj, karma, 2B, live... Thank you!

(uR- you were right- you guys are picking me up through this. Whew. That's a lot of work. I'm a tiny girl, but loads of baggage!)

Live, this>>
Quote:
When God pushes you to the edge, trust in Him fully, because only two things can happen: either He will catch you when you fall, or he will teach you how to fly!"


LOVE IT!

S- you are right! I don't want to know anything anymore. I think you and I had the same mindset at times. I was thinking about it this morning after I heard that comment. And I was like, why would I want to hear about that? (then read your post and was so like, word.) I just have to remove myself from this. I have to live my life. MY LIFE. That isn't my life. It was a disruption in my life.... but it's not my friggin life. And yes, I thought I needed to piece everything together. But, at what end will it stop? And how are present situations piecing anything? They aren't!

Here is what I discovered today... after picking up the pieces of my own thoughts I've had, and collectively placed them together. And I had a bit of an eye opening experience.

I have never had any closure or ending with my r with xh. I have always felt like his wife. And when I heard things, it just felt like it was just an on-going affair. Yes, started that way, but in my eyes, our r never properly ended. I have, even to this day, still felt like his wife. Perhaps because there was never a conversation about ending our marriage (outside of bomb), but it was just a bit of a separation, then we'd talk. The talk never happened... and yadda, yadda.... you know the rest.

However, because I was standing and never really left that, until I was hit with a nuke... I was left in a state of disbelief. Because of that, I never really accepted it for what it was. Our marriage- over. xh and hww- in a r. It seemed more to me, a series of unfortunate events that had to be worked out. And I mean, when I would say, "I can't believe it." I truly meant, I couldn't believe it.

So. Now. I have to accept that I am, in fact, divorced. I have been for 5 months now. And, I think just when it was slowly start to settle, only three months after, is when xh told me he made the biggest mistake of his life. So, it never really settled. It was more like, I KNEW IT! See, it wasn't real! But the reality is... it happened. They were in a r. I am divorced. It has never sunk in. That's what keeps me spinning. That's what has gotten me hung up with hww. Because I felt like she thought it was real. And she needed to know it wasn't. Physically it was. And that is that. Was he happy... I really don't think so. But he was there. He did divorce me. Mistake or not. It happened.

Now, I need to accept this. This is me now. I need to come to this understanding. From that I can heal. I can grow. I can learn.

I need to separate myself from the r I had with xh. It is no longer there. Is there a connection? Sure. But it's not that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Digression.

d13 broke a bone in her foot. xh and I were texting about it while I was at the hospital getting xrays. Then after I was heading home and he texted me that he was working late with jimbo. (I was wondering why he was telling me this, other than he is picking up d13 after her game- she can't play). Then texted me again with specifics, he was headed to the downtown office with jimbo and bozo for work in the x building. First off, I have no idea what the x building is (I gave it a different name), nor do I have any idea why he was giving me detailed information about where he was going and with whom.

Whatever- not even going to think about it. Just kind of laughed. Guess hes used to reporting to someone. Alone time will do him well.... I hope!

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Mighty Offline OP
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bea--- "Tell me less" is probably my new fave.

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Originally Posted By: Mighty
It's his.


Sh*t, Mighty. I've been hoping that it wasn't his. I guess I was hoping he'd get slapped with the truth.

It looks like you're working through the news in a positive way.

You've got a great life ahead of you, Mighty.


M:54, H:55
T:33, M:27
12/13 BD: EA
01/14 BD: PA, H leaves
03/14 H & OW break up
05/14 H says he will file for D
08/14 H initiates D
09/14 H wants to R
12/14 Still bungling our way through R
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You are daaaayyyuummmm right, we're all here, holding you up!!

I get your butt. whistle

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Mighty Offline OP
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haha, shining... must be the squats grin

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HAHAHAHA!!!

Girl.....what 'errrr it is.....




Dibs.

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Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”
Lao Tzu


You sound better, my friend. I'm so glad. You know you will still have bad moments, but, hopefully they will be shorter and less intense.

I agree that you didnt have closure. I also completely agree that you have to accept what is. Acceptance to me, is the golden ring.

It allows you to move forward and get to the good parts. The part where you know that nothing is permanent, everything changes. Where you can decide what you want and be who you are.

Acceptance allows us to move forward in a healthy way. We might want for things to be different in the future, but in the present moment we need to accept things as they are. That’s the way you can make your life flow smoothly, instead of roughly.
To me acceptance is like protecting yourself with your own shield.

You keep going, sweetie. We got you..


Last edited by uRworthy; 01/21/15 12:28 AM.
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Quote:
It allows you to move forward and get to the good parts. The part where you know that nothing is permanent, everything changes. Where you can decide what you want and be who you are.


This!

And remember, while this seems really rotten right now, you have no idea what direction your life is going to take in the future. Yesterday I had a blast rehearsing with my punk band, this morning my drop-dead-gorgeous boyfriend brought me coffee. I sure couldn't have foreseen this when my marriage was collapsing. smile

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Mighty....I so understand what you mean about closure. A MLC split is different than a WAS. I was invested in my marriage and I tried very hard to make it work. I was in shock when we actually separated and thought at some point he will come to his senses. I too felt like I was still a wife. We are not yet divorced but that didn't stop my H. from moving from his AP to a new GF.

We had coffee Jan 1 and for the first time I did feel closeure. My H is as confused as yours. He still has feelings for me and is attracted to me but is curious and wants to date. He imploded the only family his 13 yr old daughter ever had but that doesn't matter. He fought to have her full time and leaves her sitting upstairs ever night until 7 or 8 pm waiting for company and attention. Oh and maybe dinner? He goes to to work and stays out at least twice a week until 10pm leaving her home alone. He left the dogs home for 48 hrs in the house while he went skiing.

MLC = narrisstic behavior. Many of us here are patient, loving people wanting to help our spouses get well and return home. We owe it to ourselves and our children to teach them what a healthy relationship is, what boundaries are and how to except only what serves us.

Distance is your friend. It helps when the contact is less. I haven't spoken to my H. Since our talk. I dropped the rope. I am happier.


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
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