I'm feeling a little better... maybe... in a way. I took a shower and got into my jammies. Gonna have a cup of tea. I just sat down feeling calmer, but I notice my heart is pounding. I didn't notice it before, and don't know if it was then.
I know I'm not a good light house. I've cried. I've yelled. I've become really frustrated. I get screwed up by him being so screwed up. I am screwed up. Him saying one thing and doing another has made me overly emotional. He's seen it. I am sure it has made him run. I have remained calm when he needed me to be strong. I have been there for him when he has needed it. But I have failed, too. I have made mistakes. I am an emotional mess sometimes. He can't handle that. Maybe I am the sirens. I have been pretty good since the baby has been here. But, I've had some moment. Moments I'm not so proud of. I just don't know what to do with all of this. I feel like I need some type of validation from him. I know better, so why do I set myself up?
I read about people here, who are calm, gracious, put-together. They can pull this stuff off. Why do I flip out? He doubts everything about me because of my moments of weakness. He can't handle it. So now, I wonder if he is going there to her for the calmness and security.
I have been very strong for many days. He does not see this. The weak ones stick out. And, he is so super sensitive, he takes a lot of things wrong... so sometimes, he thinks more of situations than they actually are.
Well you are certainly not alone in the "I don't know what to do with myself" camp. I'll sit next to you.
You HAVE been very strong, Mighty. You have! But you're not being strong so he'll see it. You're being strong because that's WHO YOU ARE!
And I completely relate when you say the weak days stick out. I can hang out with WAH for hours and the ONE time I say something that even remotely reminds him of the old days it's like he pulls back and needs to detox for three weeks. It's cool though because you know what?
I'm a work in progress. I'm not perfect and will never be perfect. I will not fit into his little mold of what he needs and wants at every single moment of every single day.
I am me.
Do you think you need a break from all this? Time to step back and breathe, recenter, recalibrate, reassess, find your footing?
You're no the only flipper outer, either. The goal isn't to be calm, gracious, put-together... the goal here is to be the BEST YOU and sometimes the best you in the moment is a flipper outer.
Accept yourself for who you are. What you put forward and how you process things.
You, just as you are, are valuable! ^^^^ the post above seems to imply that you're everything you don't want to be.
Ss... first... thank you for being here with me tonight.
And, I laughed at:
Quote:
sometimes the best you in the moment is a flipper outer.
Yeah.... sometimes.... I'm that.
But then you took me to task:
Quote:
the post above seems to imply that you're everything you don't want to be
Hmmm... I don't know. I don't know who I am, really. Just frustrated. And now, feeling like he is there, because she is calm (maybe??) frustrates me. They sit together in the living room for hours at a time with this baby (he told me). She isn't as emotional because she isn't as invested. She hasn't had the devastation that I have. That they created. So am I resentful that she is the one who is calm now? Yes! See... sounds messed up. I could come up with a million reasons why that's screwed up and why I need to pull it together. But, it still frustrates me.
However, she is shallow and doesn't really care right now, because who she thought she loved, she doesn't even know. And she is still getting the same money going into their joint account that has gone in since they bought a house. So, I am sure, once that part starts coming up, it probably won't be so sweet. But, he seems like he wants to give her the world now... so who knows.
I can keep this thought, though. If he does go back to her. Good luck. It is the exact same person he was with before. And now, just now, thinking of this, makes me think that maybe I would care a little less if he did go back to her. Is this what I want?
If that's what makes him happy.... well... I doubt it... but it must be something. Give it time. I know how it will end. I'm pretty sure.
And this friendship will cease to exist. No anger. No animosity. I am just not ok with the duo who disrespected and destroyed me and my family.
BTW, ss. Not only thank you, but great posts, too. They were really helpful to me tonight. I'm gonna try to sleep.
I pray you get a goods night sleep. Things will be better tomorrow. Relax and try not to think about your xh and the mess he has caused. Get some GALs set up for you. Make time with some good girl friends or female family and just be silly and laugh. Go shopping if you can andbuy something for yourself
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
All those people that seem so put together? Composed? I don't buy it. We ALL get the way you're talking about.
I'm sure you felt a little better once you got it out. The heart pounding etc? Yep. Been there and done that. Many times.
What stands out is the expectations you have. Expectations of him being there for you when he can't even be there for himself.
You are close to a person who's broken. It can be infectious if you're not careful. Seriously.
But why would anyone think you should be different? I mean, you are in the midst of taking a chance. With all the hair-raising thrills and chills that go with it. It's fraught with danger, confusion, and unknowns.
It's hard. There will be days like this.
The trick is to figure out when to get that space. When to pull back. And when not to. The reason you would or wouldn't is if you're authentically YOU.
The other thing to realize? It's not all about him. We've been telling you that, but it's hard to see sometimes.
The anxiety, anger and general not knowing what to do next? Par for the course, Mighty.
When you detach from the outcome, it smoothes out the ride. When you embrace the unknown and turn it back into a mole hill, it becomes less scary. What's left is a confident and strong woman who's been there and done that and left nothing on the table. Not just a survivor, but a thriver.
Facing the unknown is difficult. You are, overall, handling it admirably. Better than most in a short time.
You want what you want. It's good to know what you want, because that's the basis for what you're going to do next.
But don't cheat yourself of the overall pot of gold. Stand and face your fears and uncertainties. Try your best to do so with grace and dignity. And don't beat yourself up along the way, Mighty.
Regain your perspective. The big picture. Look at things from a 10 year perspective looking back. See yourself in that view and be gentle with yourself. Perspective will help you see who and what you are and what you are doing and why. It'll also help you when you get to these kind of days. It'll help you see you have some unresolved things to deal with (can I get a "duh"?)
And that's OK. So is having some times when you ask "why?" or "what for?"
Tomorrow's a new day for you. What's it going to be like? Better I suspect...
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
You think he's there because "she's calm" but you don't know that.
Maybe she called him on his way to return the movie and was sobbing and crying because the baby was fussy all day and she's exhausted and pissed that he wasn't around. Eh? Possible?
IMO, it's equally as possible as him going there because "she's calm" and you're "not".
He's not treating you well, IMO, and in the meantime you're not taking good care of yourself.
Sleep well. Tomorrow is another day. And you ARE strong.
First off, you ARE NOT A WIMP!!! You are as far from a wimp as anyone I've ever heard of. You have handled things with great grace and strength. I actually am not surprised that xh is going back on much of what he said. The change was sudden and it was mostly just what he SAID and you know the first rule about believing what they say. Like I said last week you can't be sure of anything including xh going back to her. Think about how she has been playing on his emotions, using the baby as an excuse to see him, etc. The fact that xh just wants things to be like before except he doesn't want to have any responsibility to YOU.
Just like a typical MLCer, he expects you to understand the stress he's been under but acts like you have no stress at all. He is being selfish as ever. The only thing that has changed is he no longer is sure about hww being the answer to finding happiness. He is still all about him. You saw what you wanted to see when he left his and hww's house (yes, it's not HER place, it's THEIR place). He is the most selfish person I have ever seen. He is on a path of destruction with no thoughts at all of anyone else, not you, not his kids with you, not his new baby, not hww. No one matters to him but him.
I think you need to stop thinking of it as him rejecting you. It's him being crazy, not acting rationally, being really stupid. If he isn't willing to make any effort he needs to stop treating your home like it's his...it's not. God, MLCers are just so blind. They act like no one else has feelings, deserves respect.
Mighty, I really understand that you wanted to think that xh was getting better, wanted to believe from what he was saying that he was starting to come out of his fog. I would have probably done the same in your position. Time to understand that he isn't respecting boundaries. I think it's time for him to stop thinking he can get support from you and you getting zero in return. I get exactly how you feel. You really don't need someone but dang, it sure is nice to have it. You have been having to be strong not just for you but for your kids as well for a long time. It only natural that you would like to have someone to be strong for you, too. Don't beat yourself up for that. But don't let it hold you back either.
Believe it or not there will come a time when you won't need to be so strong all the time. Hang in there, your time is coming!
Mighty, I always have to be honest...that's just who I am. It doesnt serve you well if I'm not.
He is telling you that he doesnt want a relationship with anyone. He is there for the kids. You need to hear it even if you dont want to.
That doesnt mean he will always feel like that. It doesnt even mean that it's true. But it's how he thinks he feel right now.
He isnt there for you, you're right. I dont think he is capapble of it at this time. He just isnt.
So, you havent expectations of that isnt a good thing for you.
You are so hard on yourself, M. Really hard. When the truth is that have been dealing with some deep, heartbreaking stuff.
I think you have got to get off the ride for now. You are spinning and it isnt good for you.
You have to get to a place of detachment. I know thats a hard thing. I do. But you are just going round and round.
He cannot give you what you want now. Even if that is just as a friend who supports you. He has nothing to give. He is still a mess.
He has hurt two women. He cant face what he's done to you. And I think he has terrible guilt about bringing this baby into the world.
So, he is trying to do what he can for all of you. Im not giving him a free pass because he has to own all the cr@p he has done. I am just saying that this is all he is capable of right now.
Is he making the right choices? Probably not. But he is in crisis and has created a great, big mess.
What does this mean for you? It means that you have to stop expecting anything from him. It means that you have to remember how strong you are. It means that you need to really leave him to figure this out without interfering.
Oh and flipping out? Been there, done that, too. We are human dealing with situations so far away from what we knew.
M, leave him to this. For real. Hear him. Take care of you.
You are so strong and amazing. You deserve to get to a place of peace.
No one knows what the future holds...except that it holds you.
You are close to a person who's broken. It can be infectious if you're not careful. Seriously.
That is a very wise dude.
As far as any person can, we have a pretty good idea of how you feel. The advice you have been given is fabulous. Don't feel bad about yourself. most people wouldn't have been as gracious as you.
As for put together - you should see me when I have had to go three rounds with my crazy little bunny. Without belittling their human dignity, it can help to just think 'crazy person' when you have any interaction.
Back right off. State your terms and conditions and stick to them. He wants a relationship with his kids. Good, let him have one. As Job reminds us - we didn't break them and we can't fix them. Be a great mother to your children - as you always are. They need one sane parent.
Keep your contact with him to a minimum, and do not allow unrestricted coming and going to your home. Be pleasant and distant as you would with a work colleague, and no relationship talk. You are probably worried that this will drive him back to hww. But the reality is that whatever he does is down to him.
The thing is with MLCers they either have no idea of how other people feel, or they don't care. Either way they need to get their empathy chip fixed. If he honestly wants to be with hww and the baby that is his choice. But in that case he can't cake eat. Which he has been doing.
You are a fabulous human being and you need to stand up for that person. this guy is trying to trash you again. What a b*stard
Mighty, I'm very sorry about his behavior. He's not ready to face the consequences of his actions, hence the avoidance of the talk w/you. He's broken, he's not reliable and you can't rely on someone to be there for you when he can't even take care of himself.
Everyone has given you excellent advice and support. Go back and re-read all of it. You are a wonderful person who is dealing w/a very broken individual. Bea's post is one to re-read because she, like all of us, have had moments w/our bunnies. No one is put together totally because like the energizer bunny, they keep coming back around and around until we have to set boundaries and have little contact w/them. So, he wants to be there for the kids, then let him. I might be wrong, but you are a fixer. I have a feeling that when he's around you, you tend to feel the need to want to help him. You can't. You can listen, but then he needs to grow up and the only way to do that is to allow him to fix his own messes.
Mighty, it's time to set your boundaries and have very little contact w/him, except for conversations w/the children and/or financial issues. The more you interact w/him, the more frustrated you will become. Step back, you can be civil/friendly, but no expectations. He's still in the oven baking and until he wakes up and makes a decision as to whether he wants to reconcile or move forward w/the baby momma then boundaries need to be put in place to help you.
He's cake eating and it's time to take the cake away from him. He needs to face the consequences of his actions. He can't have it both ways. Time to take care of Mighty.
