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Complex Offline OP
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Hm strange things happen when you don't expect them.

W came home. Getting me into a conversation. Asking how I am doing, because we didn't talk in a while. I told her I am doing well. She was outgoing and upbeat.

Then she asks "why are you still wearing your ring, do you still think we are married?". That caught me totally off guard. I told her "Uhm, good question...I know that we don't have a R anymore, and you can do whatever you like. I am not controlling you anymore. But I made a commitment and I see things different than you. But like I said, this is my own opinion, and I'm not controlling you, I just want to do things the right way." (As far as I can remember the conversation). I was very calm and strong.

She told me she is proud of me taking college classes and if she can give me a hug. I said ok.

And she told me she is sorry for killing my trust in her. And I responded I am sorry for snooping. Then she said it's the truth she really only talked to him and they never met outside of work (which I all know anyway). And I said "I believe you".

Now she is fussing around with her phone. I saw a text popping up from her best friend (the D one). Didn't read it. But I know she is talking to her about my reactions and what I'm doing. And her friend will just be like "ya he wants to save your marriage, he isn't over it, now he's changing for you".
But I guess that's standard script. I just have to keep going and detach.
Because I still believe what she has done/is doing is extreme disrespectful and she is still "sick".
I cannot let a "good" moment like this get to me at all.


But what is her damn intention in doing this? She just seems to check in on me if I'll be ok without her so she can be with OM.
The thing she should do/should've done is open up to me. But at this point I actually don't even WANT her to do that. Because that would just mean she is fully commited to OM, right?
She is trying to play friends again.
I know I did the right thing today, but I don't know if I want to serve her like this anymore. I KNOW at some point she will come out like "I truly love OM, it's real love, so you can't be mad, because I'll be happy". I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. I don't see anything can prevent this. I know she made a final decision. I can tell.

Does anyone know what the psychology is behind her actions today?


Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


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Complex Offline OP
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And was I too nice? smirk


Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


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She's addicted to OM. As long as you don't interfere with her addiction, she'll be appease you. Maybe even through you a hug for being a good guy. If you confront, expose or otherwise interfere with her affair or try to make her feel bad for committing adultery, she'll be upset with you and punish you.

Also..realize YOU are not her focus of attention ~~~~OM is. Thus, she maybe she needs to tell OM she's talked to you and you are all fine with the affair (you told her she could do what she wants) or OM is nervous and your wife perceives that he is getting upset about you knowing about them and possibly spreading gossip about him and hurting his reputation. Your wife is being nice to you to help calm OM down and reassure OM that she has you under control.

Or...

Who knows. She's an active cheater...she could be in a good mood because OM broke up with his wife or girlfriend to be with her (supposedly) or OM had sex with her an hour before she got home and she's on cloud nine and unwilling to allow you to ruin the moment so she acts happy.

The point is...she's acting in her own self interest without real concern for you or your feelings whatsoever.


Were you too nice??? Nice is OK. It's better than yelling and being angry. Neither gets you very far towards recovering your marriage. Until the affair is over and no contact is established you are stuck, waiting for the affair to die. However, yelling and screaming actually make your situation worse and merely feed into her justifications and rationalizations. So being nice is OK...just don't overdo it by saying things like "go ahead and you are free to have all the extramarital sex you want" and perhaps "I am not your keeper, the cage door is open and you are free to leave anytime you want". Yours condones adultery, whereas the later just confirms that you are not her jail master...that she can pack a bag and go right then and there if she pleases.


The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
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Quote:
NO exposing myself and NO pushing W to expose herself.
In der Übersetzung verloren.

It's the affair you don't want to expose.
Exposing yourself will get you into different trouble. blush

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Originally Posted By: zew
Quote:
NO exposing myself and NO pushing W to expose herself.
In der Übersetzung verloren.

It's the affair you don't want to expose.
Exposing yourself will get you into different trouble. blush


Ha ok.

What a bad day I am having. It's all so fresh, I came to realize how attached I still am.
For a while I didn't really cry but everything is settling now it feels like and I've been crying all day. I just see that it's just really over. No more W, no more her Family. This is so hard. And mine is so far away..I don't have many friends here yet, mostly mutual.

Last edited by Complex; 01/21/15 09:34 PM.

Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


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Posts: 5,301
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Hi Complex, just realised I posted a big reply to you on my threads....sorry about that. I'll post on yours in future!

Toots :-)

Last edited by Toots; 01/21/15 09:56 PM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Complex Offline OP
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No worries. I read it. Thank you so much!!!
BD actually was very horrible but I was in denial and me and W still had a life and she actually tried for a month.
Finding out what the real reason was/is (big EA) was way harder, and that she lied to me and still does. And that is still very fresh.
I wonder today if I should ask for her to be open to me to stop my pain and tell her that I want her to be truthful at least. She might actually do it. I guess it's against DB bc it's validating the A. But I feel like it's over anyway and I might as well get it over with and let her tell me why she's doing all this.
Honesty would feel very good right now.

I hope someone reads what happened yesterday and is able to give me some advise on my lasts posts.

Love,
Complex


Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


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Originally Posted By: Complex
No worries. I read it. Thank you so much!!!
BD actually was very horrible but I was in denial and me and W still had a life and she actually tried for a month.
Finding out what the real reason was/is (big EA) was way harder, and that she lied to me and still does. And that is still very fresh.


Sorry to hammer this, but the "real reason" are the reasons YOU Listed elsewhere. The A is a symptom of the marital problems, NOT the cause.

Deep down you already know this.

When you remember this^^ and remind yourself of it every single day if you must,

is so you will stay focussed on YOUR Work and YOUR Issues and NOT deflect your attention away from that and onto OM.

He's NOT your issue. Don't lose sight of that. Embrace the face that you are who you must work on b/c that is empowering.


I wonder today if I should ask for her to be open to me to stop my pain and tell her that I want her to be truthful at least.

Stop.

You are getting frantic to "do SOMETHING" and that's NOT advisable. Listen to the tape of the DB coach session 5 more times and calm yourself down. Go back to YOUR OWN Program and work it.

Stop pretending that her telling you how SHE Feels about OM will "Stop" your pain. I promise you that it will NOT stop your pain; it'll increase it. And annoy her AND it's also NOT in alignment with your DB program...remember?

How long have you done ANY single approach? Has it even lasted a few days?

No wonder she has trouble believing you are changing. No offense but the more you make this about OM, the more you are pretending there is nothing YOU can do to improve things. That's not true and that's not a position of strength.


She might actually do it. I guess it's against DB bc it's validating the A. But

Look at your words...you know it's against DBing BUT BUT BUT..."

"but" means to negate whatever you said just before. Stop this complex. Really, get a grip on yourself.

Get back on track and STAY on track.



I feel like it's over anyway and I might as well get it over with and let her tell me why she's doing all this.
Honesty would feel very good right now.



What is it you are pretending not to know?

According to her (and according to you)

You got depressed, you stopped working on your career and you became lazy and you seemed to have no direction. You were not as attentive or supportive to her and eventually she felt very burdened and frustrated and then....she met OM.

Why does having her tell you all this, again, or about how great OM is, make you think it would help?

I hope someone reads what happened yesterday and is able to give me some advise on my lasts posts.

Love,
Complex



She isn't cruel and doesn't want to just dump you. But she has feelings of pity for you and compassion. So to YOU she seems confused. MAYBE she is.

IF she is confused, that's great news for you. Stop pressing for more.

You are acting as if the DB coaching taught you nothing. Is that true?

IF you got something out of it, then listen to it again & again and stop making yourself crazy.

Work the program b/c the program works.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Complex Offline OP
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You are a good teacher 25yr. At least my thinking is different from my action. So far I did DB wel and I sticked with it. But yeah, you are right. Just a few days. I need to be consistent or it's worth ZERO.
I know he is the symptom of our problems but our problems run very very deep.
We actually might have really failed to ever create the deep connection a M needs to withstand the decades. We lost it after our "romantic" lve and didn't build on it.
Sure IF we survive this, then we have sth to build on. But the only recomcilliation scenario is that OM is completely gone, her friends stops opposing M and we reconnect through her will and her effort. Pretty unrealistic scenario. Going back what we had before doesn't exist. That's not the goal anyway. I just don't see it right now, which is natural I guess.

I will keep working on myself. I wish I could just get out of this deep whole and stop PRETENDING my DB actions, but rather LIVE THEM, become happy through them and have a life again. Then pain is still in the way and the knowledge about the never existing deep connection.

I don't pretend to know, of course I don't know it all, but it's very likely now that W and OM will legitimate their love for each other through "waiting". I know my wife well enough that she actually thought everything through very very well and made it a decision. She is a smart person and pretty reasonably thinking (for most part). She just lacks emotional intelligence, empathy and some ability to show her feelings. Very rational person in general.

With all the self improvement we are doing we can't alao forget that we are humans. And we are GOOD people with big hearts.
I just need that to be said. Bc I keep forgetting that I ALREADY AM a great person.


Btw can you please read my DB encounter from yesterday night? I'm still wondering if I did that ok or if there's anything I could've done differently?
It seems like she is at least wondering how I'm doing after we both being dark for a few days.


Last edited by Complex; 01/22/15 01:27 AM.

Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 561
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Complex Offline OP
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The last post 25yr btw I wrote completely devastated crying. It was a rough day again. If you have the time please review the post from yesterday where she asked me why I'm still wearing my ring.
Thank you so much.


Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


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