I'll make it simple: M only 2 years, wife doubting decision W totally in love with OM - no PA - OM respects marriage to certain extend & doesn't know she's madly in love but likes her She is still lying about intensity of feelings, I snooped and know everything W best friend bad influence and pro D D around the corner (no lawyer involved yet) to get to be together with OM - but on hold until I get my greencard Her family doesn't know anything, she is very secretive about everything (awesome family I hit rock bottom yesterday - hardly can eat, sleep, do anything. Lost a lot of weight. Trying to GAL and detach and DB right. Therapist appt Monday. Christian MC next week. (just me). DB coach next week.
Anyone expertise on involving family &How to deal with the advantage of information? I just need some new input in my misery
Thanks
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
I'll make it simple: M only 2 years, wife doubting decision W totally in love with OM - no PA - OM respects marriage to certain extend & doesn't know she's madly in love but likes her She is still lying about intensity of feelings, I snooped and know everything W best friend bad influence and pro D D around the corner (no lawyer involved yet) to get to be together with OM - but on hold until I get my greencard Her family doesn't know anything, she is very secretive about everything (awesome family I hit rock bottom yesterday - hardly can eat, sleep, do anything. Lost a lot of weight. Trying to GAL and detach and DB right. Therapist appt Monday. Christian MC next week. (just me). DB coach next week.
Anyone expertise on involving family &How to deal with the advantage of information? I just need some new input in my misery
Thanks
Get into good physical conditioning. Star to eat well. Try to lay off or do not consume alcohol or smoke.
I'd be in the gym working towards the best shape of my life. These affairs the hard WHIP of a crack they are can be used for motivation if you can focus on your goals. The gym will be automatic for you after 3 weeks. I'd go every day in those first 3 weeks until I am in the habit.
I'd be eating a good balanced diet full of protein and nutrients.
Also start looking good and doing things specifically for you only. Do things you love to do and feel good about it.
The wife may get off the ride with you, but that's no reason to get down on yourself.
I'll make it simple: M only 2 years, wife doubting decision W totally in love with OM - no PA - OM respects marriage to certain extend & doesn't know she's madly in love but likes her She is still lying about intensity of feelings, I snooped and know everything W best friend bad influence and pro D D around the corner (no lawyer involved yet) to get to be together with OM - but on hold until I get my greencard Her family doesn't know anything, she is very secretive about everything (awesome family I hit rock bottom yesterday - hardly can eat, sleep, do anything. Lost a lot of weight. Trying to GAL and detach and DB right. Therapist appt Monday. Christian MC next week. (just me). DB coach next week.
Anyone expertise on involving family &How to deal with the advantage of information? I just need some new input in my misery
Thanks
Stop feeling misery and beat it by getting ahead of it. You will be fine either way getting the wife back with a new level of commitment OR knowing yourself and giving yourself the chance for a much better life than you thought you could before.
Get into good shape. Boxing might not be bad for the confidence. Just get in there and take it seriously.
Do some things outside the house that you really like to do.
Regarding family I want to make them aware so bad. I'm trying to ask myself what my intentions are tho, and what they should be. I don't want to just plainly get them against W and D. But I have this urge to make them aware of how much she changed. I'm not going to do anything yet tho until a therapist or counselor looked over my whole case and gives me a proper advice after analyzing my situation.
Today I'm looking at other women and some seem nice and attractive. How do you guys hold it with OW or dating or just 'playing' around a bit to boost confidence? I want to stay true to my values tho...but a man after all
Last edited by Complex; 01/16/1509:26 PM.
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
From what I've read, the advice with WAS families seems to be not to tell them about the A but tell your W that you are not willing to lie to others about it.
With my sitch, I really didn't feel it was my 'place' to tell H's family about his A. They are transatlantic anyway, but we had been due to go on holiday with them and obviously they guessed something was wrong when I wasn't there.
I don't think H's parents knew for a few months, and I received very curt emails from them. But I sat tight and had some much warmer contact from them recently. So, I think they know now, and I'm glad I didnt tell them. If your W's family are local it may well come to a head much more quickly.
You mention intentions... I think when an A is revealed, there is an urge to gather up family and friends to put pressure on the WAS and hope others can get them to see sense. Pretty pointless for now - all the friendly logic in the world won't trump the emotion being felt right now.
Dating? I think that would be a revenge affair right now - I would say don't go there...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Regarding family I want to make them aware so bad. I'm trying to ask myself what my intentions are tho, and what they should be. I don't want to just plainly get them against W and D. But I have this urge to make them aware of how much she changed. I'm not going to do anything yet tho until a therapist or counselor looked over my whole case and gives me a proper advice after analyzing my situation.
Today I'm looking at other women and some seem nice and attractive. How do you guys hold it with OW or dating or just 'playing' around a bit to boost confidence? I want to stay true to my values tho...but a man after all
I would be "nice" to other ladies. Having them as targets instead of the WAW makes life feel like there is some hope. You don't have to sleep with them.
Salsa dancing and/or similar is a way to get cclose to some ladies for good clean fun and feel good and masculine and desired...
Thank you DaddyLongShanks. I signed up for the gym already. But I got thrown off my plans with the new developments. I really hit the ground, but need to pull myself up again.
I see the positve. Without all this happening I wouldn't be/become the person I am and want to be. I just have to stay true to myself.
Thanks Toots Yeah I don't want to tell them anything knowing I just want to use them for my purpose. I'm sure she will lie to them first and she will think time will heal everything, for me, for them, for her. Which is kind of true but a cowardly approach. Looking at her I also learned a lot of things that I do NOT want to do wrong in my future..with whoever. Dating you are right. I can't go there. My gut tells me it's wrong. Although at some point a man will suffer. I have a lot of 'drive' need to resist and stay strong and life up to my values.
Another thing I want to do is talk to her Priest at Church, that she hasn't been to in a long time. Just to see what they say, completely open minded. Maybe they also recommend a good counselor. And I want to get in touch with my believes and God. I still have to confess a lot.
Last edited by Complex; 01/16/1510:00 PM.
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
Regarding family I want to make them aware so bad. I'm trying to ask myself what my intentions are tho, and what they should be. I don't want to just plainly get them against W and D.
I think if you dig even just a little, you'll see what your motivations are and they are not what they "should be". The DB books address this^^ too. Act in accordance with your GOAL, Not in accordance with how you Feel... But I have this urge to make them aware of how much she changed.
"Changed" or "DONE WRONG"? And Why do you have this "urge"?
Perhaps To get them as allies and have her seen as...."Wrong". But they will always LOVE HER no matter what. If you are the messenger to them that their daughter or family member is "the bad one", what do you really believe they'll do, in the end? Here is what my DB coach told me: "It's Not a spouses job to 'teach a lesson' or 'show them the consequences of their choices',
b/c Life does that."
Most of the time a LBS wants to "expose an A", it's b/c they are hurt and angry. Period.
Now, I'm not suggesting you pay for or enable her to cheat on you and lie.
But telling her family and loved ones about it, imo, will probably backfire on you big time. Certainly in her eyes. But also, sometimes, even in the 3rd parties eyes.
Here's a true story of what I mean.
I am an "administrator" on my high school class page on FB. (So only I can delete things. Who knew?)
Awhile back, several classmates wrote to me and asked me to "delete some weird/angry" posts from a classmate's wife. I went and read the posts.
There, the classmate's wife (and LBS) wrote to our class. She said that she hoped
"OW won't steal your h's like she stole mine last year at the reunion!"
(**BTW Both OW and her h, are classmates**)
While I felt sorry for the LBW (of course we here on a DB site, would),
I also did not think she'd chosen a very appropriate place to fume at her stbxh.
I deleted the post, as per the requests AND my own judgement.
Later on, about 5 different people wrote to me, privately AND in public on FB.
Not one said a kind word about the wife; rather,
Every single comment seemed very unsympathetic to her.
They called her a "spurned woman", "obviously bitter" and "pathetic". AND someone said "no wonder h left her" (OUCH).
Last but not least, people reached out to OW, the classmate and asked how SHE felt..
I can only shake my head for the LBW b/c I'm sure her goal was NOT to have people feel pity or contempt for her, but they did.
No one said a bad word about the h, OR the Other Woman So whatever the Left Behind wife's goal was in exposing, it totally backfired and I don't think that is a rare example. I think it's common.
I'm not going to do anything yet tho until a therapist or counselor looked over my whole case and gives me a proper advice after analyzing my situation. That's ^^^ wise.
Dig deep inwardly, about WHY you feel "the urge". If it is not coming from a healthy place of love or "light", it's probably not you at your best.
And fwiw, it's not just "Exposing" that you have to do this with. Pretty much every ACTION I wanted to take for or against or about my h, back then, required me to be very honest with myself.
Many times, many...I wanted to punish or hurt h but I would tell myself things like "it's just fair" and or "Honesty!" But in reality it was me and my anger that motivated me for the most part.
I learned to watch for that b/c it's NOT me at my best. And this situation, more than any other in my life, required me to be at my best.
Make sense?
Today I'm looking at other women and some seem nice and attractive. How do you guys hold it with OW or dating or just 'playing' around a bit to boost confidence? I want to stay true to my values tho...but a man after all
What does that mean to you? Does it mean "boys will be boys"?
Does it mean you have testosterone and thus, you are entitled to cheat and or have sex without love -- b/c after all, "a man" would...??
I have 5 brothers whom I love, and an adult son and a h....lots of men I love in my life.
Not one of them would say this^^ in a serious tone, AND believe it means they can cheat while also complaining about their wife doing just that.
Complex, here's a question for you.
When you see the words below, how do you feel? "well She's a woman, after all."
well?? Just asking.
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 01/16/1510:02 PM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I never mentioned and I don't know if it's televant but I completely screwed my last girlfriend over. I was with her five years and had an affair the last year and slept with other women. I was a very bad man and completely off path.
The love for my wife put me back on track. She saved me. And she still does....
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
I never mentioned and I don't know if it's televant but I completely screwed my last girlfriend over. I was with her five years and had an affair the last year and slept with other women. I was a very bad man and completely off path.
The love for my wife put me back on track. She saved me. And she still does....
HAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!
You are witnessing this thing called karma but also ying and yang....
It's not all that bad has to come on you for "bad" that you have done. But sometimes when you change your balance too far you will be the recipient versus the one who does these things.
So imagine if you will that your choice in life was you gotta be a bit of a bad boy, cheat "respectively", and make it not important so you never fall in love nad you take care of your family. Everybody is OK.
What if the flip side is you are too much of a "good" boy... Wife cheats on you all the time, is disrespectful, makes it stressful around the house hard to earn a living. And you are disrespected so badd and not even allowed affections and you gain ED out of it and low confidence.
What if that is your choices.... Just keep in mind the balance of it all. You might have to restore some of your old "bad boy" self without actually going physical on her, there are walls and holes in each of us, you may have become too accomidating and your woman finds the other stuff more interesting.
Life is really weird like that and trust me I wish I did not have to understand it.
