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Heart14 #2524253 01/07/15 04:44 AM
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Holding all that in isn't healthy for anyone, including your child.

That pressure has to come out somewhere.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2527926 01/16/15 06:51 PM
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Pie,

Please listen to the other posters.

You don't have to go to gether to a councilor. But you should go alone.

I don't think you have forgiven him.

Why are you together? This is horrible what you are going through.

This time you're the one that is not being honest.

And you simply CANNOT fake it till you make it.

This poison needs to come out or it will kill your relationship.

He is going to have to hear some of this and while it might hurt him so will a divorce.

If you aren't healing then your marriage isn't healed.

You guys would benefit from learning how to talk and listen to each other without hurting or being hurt by the words. A counselor would help facilitate that.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

Heart14 #2527934 01/16/15 07:22 PM
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Originally Posted By: Heart14
Originally Posted By: pie
I feel like if I were to go to acouncellor it would be like letting the flood gates open- I feel like the only thing keeping us together was me not 'exploding' .


Pie, going to a counselor doesn't mean you have to come home and explode at your H. It could be a safe space for you to talk about what's still upsetting you and the counselor could help you come up with a plan to improve the situation for yourself. Do you feel like your H has done everything you've needed him to? Is there anything you need from the m that he isn't providing?


From what you said here (and amend it if need be) it SOUNDS as if the problem of forgiveness, is yours.

So, how was forgiveness modeled for you in your childhood? (I never saw it growing up). For some of us, it's a learned skill and for ALL of us, it's mandatory to staying married.

Meaning, all long term marriages require forgiveness of the other spouse, at some point.
We all hurt ourselves and or our spouses at some time. We have to learn to forgive and we must learn how to accept forgiveness as well.

Have you spoken to a minister/priest or someone spiritual? I say that, b/c for believers, forgiveness is partly a spiritual matter.

For others, it's all emotional or moral, and usually we need guidance. For me, it was all 3. I wanted to forgive but somehow I felt as if forgiving was risking. It's not really. I came to see that Not forgiving, was as risky as forgiveness was. Maybe more so.

IF you want to forgive, and I do mean "if", you still may need to learn HOW to forgive b/c like I said, some of us never saw it growing up.

Have you heard of or read the book "After the Affair"? I'm told it can be helpful.

Also, Marianne Williamson has some books out that include exercises of forgiveness. I got a lot out of her books, though some find her too "new agey".

"Return to Love" and "Handling Our Fear/Anger" are among the ones I found most useful

(I might be wrong on the title of the second one but those words are included)

I hope this or other posters helps.




Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 01/16/15 07:23 PM.

M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
25yearsmlc #2527937 01/16/15 07:37 PM
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PS


See if this story helps illustrate the point I’m trying to make, however feebly. It's a true story...

I grew up with a neighbor who was a retired Army Colonel. He had been a POW for several years, in Vietnam.

He and his wife had 5 kids. Years before they moved into our neighborhood, the Colonel had had an affair with some OW.
How did I, a young 17 y/o girl and neighbor, know that the Colonel had had an A?

Oh, I knew b/c everyone knew, b/c "Mrs Colonel" made sure we all knew, so we would not think he was such a great guy.

There were times I wanted to ask the Colonel about his POW experiences. But Mrs. C- would steer the topic away. I truly believed for years, that she was protecting him from a bad memory.

Then l learned that she simply didn't like him getting that type of attention.

At the time we knew the family, the Colonel was kind, funny, handsome, strong, and really just a good guy. Yes, we DID admire him.

In contrast, SHE was a bitter, small person. She made a snide remark for her h at every turn. From how he over cooked the grilled meat, "as usual", to undermining the value of an Army reference letter he wrote for my h. She could NOT give that man a kind word to save her soul.

She never praised him in front of her kids or us, and she would undermine or question a compliment others would give him. She seemed to live to make him pay. I'm not exaggerating.

She was NOT kind to him at all. Seemed like she never let him forget what SHE had endured & what HE had done to her.

Today, 3+ decades later, only 1 of their 5 kids is married, their only son. It's his 2nd (or 3rd? marriage).

The others -all daughters-- are all single. 2 never married, which is unusual these days. The other 2 daughters keep on getting married, repeatedly.

IMO, the choice that Mrs C- made was the worst of all choices.

She could have divorced him. AND OR She could have gone to counseling and therapy, to learn how to forgive him.

But instead, she made the worst AND maybe the most tempting choice; she stayed married AND stayed miserable.

She never let Colonel forget his sins.

She held it over his head like the Sword of Damacles.

She threw it in his face (or threatened to) every time they fought.

She did NOT Forgive him and she did not even try to. Not in a serious humbling way. She learned nothing about herself or her role in any of it.

Ironically, from where we sat, from what WE saw, at the time we knew them, HE was the victim and she was the wrongdoer...

She was not a woman we sympathized with. I think she should have let him go when she found out about the A; OR as soon as she realized she could not forgive him; AND OR she should have learned how to forgive.


She could have left her children a beautiful legacy. She COULD have taught and passed on to them, the concepts and practices of true forgiveness, real redemption, deep love, and full commitment.

Instead, she passed onto them dark suspicions, distrust, cynicism, bitterness and BIG time grudge holding. I'm pretty sure she held onto her "Grievance list" forever. Talk about keeping a record of wrongs...She did not think he "deserved" forgiveness -- so she overlooked how many others were affected by her choice not to forgive.

I wish she had heard what I heard a few years back, which was

"Holding onto anger, to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire,

-----
-----
-----
to get smoke in their eyes."


Pie, we are all here supporting you. You can do this.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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