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Hi Mozza!

You are building great memories with you kids. Mine are adults now and they love to reminisce about fun things we did while they were growing up. It's ok to let your D. Know you had a sad moment but are ok now. Girls especially are very intuitive they know when you are sad. It's good to show them IMO that boys have feelings too! Lol

Thanks for stopping by my thread. I appreciate your advice and support. You are right and I do feel like I am moving in a new direction towards D. It feels like enough is enough you know what I mean? Some days are better than others. Today it is Sunny and mild outside. I'm going to go for a run and then head to Hot Yoga.


Me 52 H 44
T9 M 5
BD 12/11 H
split 8/12
OW moved in 12/12
OW gone for good 6/14
We get closer again 9/14
SD 13 Me 4 Grown





Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
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Mozza Offline OP
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WAW told me that she's looking for a new job. It's relevant in our sitch because, as you probably all remember, she was unemployed for over a year while I paid all expenses and supported her in other ways while she was going through this career reorientation. It took her a month after she found the job to run off with a new colleague. They now live and work together, so they see each other 24/7. Since she left me, about her only friends left are her colleagues because she's an immigrant here. They are young (late 20s) and free and she adopted that lifestyle when she left me.

When she started this job, it was the greatest thing in the world and a few weeks later (after she left me), it started to go downhill. She used to keep me abreast of the developments, but I've shut that down too. In any case, this is also a pattern with her (fantastic in the beginning, leaves job hating it) that I've observed some 5 times over the last 9 years. No self-awareness in any of these. Each time is THE right one.

She's not telling me more than that, saying that she'll give me the details once we meet.* As you may also recall, she's sorta keen for us to meet, but I turned her down saying I needed it to move on. Of course, I'd like to know the details, but I'm not taking the bait. Also, I have a bit of a savior syndrome when it comes to her job-seeking (I revised her written test to get into the current job...) and I'm afraid she'd tap into it.

*She did email me more details a little later, explaining that it was her own choice because the place doesn't treat their staff right.

-----------------
GAL Report I had a very productive day yesterday, which is unusual for a Monday and made me feel great. I got in touch with several clients, which is what I should be doing more regularly. I went to bed early by my standards and had a fairly good night. I've decided to take better care of myself, to be more disciplined and see how that affects my mood. Most of January was pretty bad and I feel it made me more vulnerable.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
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D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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WRT discipline: My boss has a point system for client outreach that she uses to make sure she's staying on top of her growth goals. Activities have different point values based on their impact on growth/new client acquisition. If she makes her point goal at the end of each week she/we get a reward on Friday. So far, so good (rewards are small but morale-boosting). It's kind of like Vanilla's GAL scoring system.

Good job!


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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I have to respond to her suggestion that we start the D proceedings.

As discussed above, I'm not ready. Emotionally, I'm too vulnerable and it's awfully difficult for me to look into D information. This being said, I'll get over it if it's necessary. Also, I feel that this is rushed and that we need to cool down for a longer period. The D can't be official until October 2015 anyway. Of course, I hope that her A will fail in the meantime. It's been only 4 or 5 months for them, so the next 6 could be crucial.

She asked me two weeks ago and I said I'd be checking a few things. I called lawyers and did some online research to understand the process and my rights. Today, she emailed me about the insurance* and asked for an update on the D paperwork. So here's what I want to respond.

So I've check and there's no rush to get started. I'd rather that we wait a few more months, get closer to the earliest date. Is that ok?

What do you guys think? I'd like to send it today, since she asked for an update and it's been two weeks I've asked for some time to do research.

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* A quick note about the insurance. For 8 years, we've been on my insurance and I've paid hundreds of dollars every month to cover the entire family, never asking her for a cent even though she worked. I paid the out-of-pocket expenses for the two births, which were thousands of dollars. Now, she's paying a few tens of dollars monthly and she's asking me to pay my share and that of the kids. I understand that she's tight financially and I will go along with it because our circumstances have changed. It just reminds me that trying to make everything "fair" can make things really complicated... D [censored].


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I would remove the "is that ok" part from the email. You don't need to ask her permission. If you don't want to move forward yet, just say I'd rather wait a few more months.

Just my .02.


M:32,H 32
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BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger
H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15
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Why are you so determined to tell her this is not what you want? Has it worked in the past? If you are not ready to pursue with D papers and you feel rushed about it.....why are you doing it?

How do you see her reacting to that message? "Oh what a relief! I was so afraid he would really go through with a D. But guess what, he doesn't want a D, after all. I was so mistaken, b/c I thought he did!" Not likely. Stop trying to fix this with yet another message, hoping it will change her mind.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Mozza Offline OP
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Thanks sandi2. I'm not sure I understand though.

She wrote me, two weeks ago, asking if I was ready to start the D papers, saying she could wait if I'm not. So now I have to respond anyway. She reminded me today.

I explained above why I'm not ready — not detached and some hope that the A will end in the meantime. Now, if you and others here feel that it would be better to just go with her schedule, then let's do it. I can control myself.

Are you saying I should not delay or that I should phrase my desire to delay differently?

The reaction I expect is: "OK, maybe he doesn't want to D after all. Fine, I can wait." Then we go on with our lives and in a few months she realizes that she made a mistake and wants to work on the M. So I hope that time will change her mind, not the message.

Don't shoot me, I'm just being honest!


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"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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WAW just unpinned the grenade.

She wrote me a long email telling me that she's thinking of going back to her country because her work sux and she hates the weather here. A few selected sentences.

Things haven't been so good recently. Work is very stressful and I see little chances of improvement. [then she lists all that is wrong at work]

It turns out that the social network for which we came here was really your network. I feel isolated, far from my parents while I get though this crisis and my friends are far away. [then she lists the limited social contacts she has]

And the weather... it's horrible! [more about how she's affected]

I can't imagine staying here for years in this situation - far from my family, my support. [she mentions her parents are getting old and never see the kids]

I don't know what to do about all of this. (...) [This city] was our joint life project, but without our joint life, I hardly see myself having the energy and will to adapt. Also, all the other events that happened between our arrival in 2013 and now. [I don't know what this cryptic sentence refers to. OM?]

We've always known that we'd have to negociate our lives around the fact that we come from different countries. The separation makes this discussion even more crucial. (...) We have the advantage of being in good terms and cordial, so let's try to talk.


I don't know yet what to think exactly of this email, but it's a turning point. It's what I didn't want to hear for several more years. Our international M and now D was a ticking bomb. We just moved here, to great cost. Obviously, I don't want to move away to her country, where she only has her parents and a couple of friends (no large network). Over there, I have nobody outside of her.

I'm sure you'll tell me not to mind read, but I will share what immediately went through my mind.

- Things really aren't as good as they appear from the outside.
- The high has worn off quickly. Even the love high doesn't seem to offset the downs of the job, isolation and weather.
- There are no mentions of OM in this, I presume because it is a taboo between us. Perhaps it's embedded in the cryptic sentence.
- It's typical of her to run away from her problem. A pattern through her entire life as far as I can tell. Not resolved.
- I don't know if it's only bad news. Could she be reconsidering?

My plan now is to respond to her email, validate that things must be hard the way she describes them and then accept to meet with her, likely next week. I'll do that within the next few hours. She wrote 3 hours ago, but I just saw the email.


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Quote:
Are you saying I should not delay or that I should phrase my desire to delay differently?


No, that's not what I'm saying. I didn't understand why you were pushing through the D and saying it wasn't what you wanted. Just forget that for the moment. You need to respond to her latest news. Contact her and agree on a time & place to meet so that you two can talk face to face.

Please do not have expectations! You are already wondering if she may be reconsidering D. You have to meet with her having no expectations. For all you know, OM is moving to her country. I really doubt it, but you never know. I suspect her fantasy world is crumbling and she wants to go home to her parents.

You need to write down questions to ask or things to talk about with her......like what are her intentions about the children! Did she not even mention them? How does she plan to finance this trip back, etc.

Anyway, it's a good idea to write some notes before you talk to her, b/c you'll probably be as nervous as a cat in a rocking chair factory.

I'm sure she will ask about the D paperwork, so just tell her what they said. You don't have to express your desire about not having it done right now. Wait and see how she responds. She knows you don't want the D, so don't volunteer to tell her again. That was what I was trying to say in the last post.

And "if" she is having second thoughts about it, I have a feeling she may let you know when she meets up with you. But Mozza, don't get into a conversation with her before you have time to think about it.










It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Hi Mozza,

that must be quite something to recieve. How do you feel about the email? (rather than think)

Dont be in too much of a rush to reply. A considered response tomorrow is probably better than a rushed response tonight/today

if you do feel you should reply today then something short and validating that buys you time might be the best bet.

Something like (better scripters please improve)
'Thank you for taking the time to write this and share your feelings in this way. I sorry to hear that you are feeling this way.

I appreciate that you would like me to respond quickly but so that i can fully take in what you've said i just want to take a little bit of time to compose my thoughts. I hope you understand.

I'll respond more fully tomorrow but I wanted to let you know that I've seen this.

Take Care

Mozza'


Needs some work but it gives you some headroom without feeling pressured to deal with all of the email straight away. prepare the elephant as it were


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
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