Mozza (8) + Links to success stories

[TLEE86]

Mozza, sorry for the latest development in your sitch, but 25yrs offered you some wonderful advice.

But I really do believe that --Deep down, a mother of kids who love their dad, who once really did love her h as well, Will look back and wonder what might have been... I know she will.... Be ready for when she does that, b/c 10 to 1, if you keep at this, she will.

Make sense? Got this?

^^^ is Gold. Many people have come back to R after D process starts/finishes. But the only way to give that a possibility is to keep at this, regardless of what happens now. Your W is on a high, OM has moved in, everything seems peachy so its logical that the next step is to file for D. So when you say your W hasn't rushed to D or is impulsive about this, I slightly disagree. No, she's not like some WAW's who file immediately after S or BD. But she is impulsive in the sense that OM has moved in, so she needs to file because she's trying to move on with her life and not really thinking about anything except OM. Keep at this Mozz, one way or another you will be more than ok.

[Mozza]

And I'm back there: I don't care much about the D proceedings. I don't even know why. I feel a bit distracted. So much that when I read your "sorry for the latest development in your sitch", I thought: "What? I'm feeling better. Oh yeah, the D email."

It might be my optimism or my reading of success stories, but I now see the R as being above the M. My W and I have an R, which also has a paper existence in the M. The R was put on hold, probably dissolved when she left. The M papers are never going to bring her back. In fact, I like the opportunity to show her that I'm moving on. I'm sure the actual proceedings will be difficult, but every day I feel more ready.

I don't know that I had a Card29-like turnaround, but I definitely feel more detached since she suggested that we start the D.

----
TLEE86: Good point. Perhaps she's more impulsive than I realize in pushing this 4 months after leaving. Oh well.

[zew]

I don't care much about the D proceedings. I don't even know why. I feel a bit distracted. So much that when I read your "sorry for the latest development in your sitch", I thought: "What? I'm feeling better. Oh yeah, the D email."

I understand this completely.

I think the announcement/service of a D can be very beneficial to our situations in that it forces us to let go. I found it to be a relief. My W started the D clock. That means this will eventually end. It has let me focus on my post-D planning, which has allowed me to totally stop thinking about W. I still have no idea how it will end, anything could happen between now and when the clock runs out, and anything could happen after that as well. I really don't know how I "feel" about any of the possible outcomes, other than that I have absolute confidence that I will create happiness for myself with whatever I get served up.

But the fact that it gives me the perspective, for now anyway, of moving on separately has let me totally detach, and that is a very calm and comfortable place to be. It's nice to drop the emotion and start thinking more objectively again. So I'm back to being the calm, cool and collected guy in the house again.

[Karma12]

Keep up the PMA Mozza. All you can do is keep the road home paved smooth, GAL and keep moving forward. Eventually your wife may catch up. Being stuck in limbo is the worst.

[MCS]

So this week I'm running a little experiment: I won't be thinking or talking about the chances of reconciliation. I'm already dead and she's not coming back. It doesn't mean I'm giving up at all. I have the gift of time and I want to see what's the impact on me of considering that my future doesn't involve WAW as my partner. I want to see if it makes me feel better or worse, if it helps me to detach. So far, I've had moments where it felt great to be freed up from her, like suddenly the world was wide open. Other times, I felt awful because I still can't bear the thought of losing her forever. It's a change form the kind of pain I've experienced so far, which is more about that of applying DB (hiding my emotions from her, cutting off fun exchanges, etc.) and knowing she's with someone else before coming back to me.

Mozza,

Yep, you saw this week my outcome from this same experiment. I was all over the place and I have to say that I feel that the roller coaster ups and downs have diminished to some point from before, but then there's a big drop for like 15 minutes and then I pick myself up and move on. Not sure what's better, but I think we are both trying to detach in slightly different ways.

So no spoilers, but I watched American Sniper and saw how his wife stood by him through it even though she didn't understand the journey he was taking or why he was doing it. She saw it as family first and couldn't understand why he couldn't feel that way, his withdrawal or also why he kept going back. Much different scenario, but I had so much admiration for his Wife and identified she probably felt a lot like we do now.

I actually broke down when I got back into the car, because that relationship and the fact she didn't give up on him hit home so hard.

[Mozza]

Keep up the PMA Mozza. All you can do is keep the road home paved smooth, GAL and keep moving forward. Eventually your wife may catch up. Being stuck in limbo is the worst.

Thanks for stopping by, Karma12. I find your story really interesting and I never miss a post of it. You seem very strong.

I've been meaning to tell you for a while that your prior experience as a WAW is pure gold on these boards. As you probably know, there are very few of them. Only Sandi2 amongst the vets have such experience and her insights are always enlightening. I encourage you to go around the boards and share this perspective. I thought about it when I saw this post on vasapro's thread.

Often the real threat of a divorce is a wake up call for some men. Unfortunately by the time this happens the wife has already emotionally disconnected. There usually were many warnings that were ignored or dismissed before reaching this point.

This is very much my case. How I wish I caught these things before my W gave up on me, before she met OM. They all seem so clear now, like looking back at the clues after solving a riddle. I feel like a bloody fool for arriving a few months late and paying the price for the rest of my life.

So this week I'm running a little experiment: I won't be thinking or talking about the chances of reconciliation. I'm already dead and she's not coming back. (...)

Yep, you saw this week my outcome from this same experiment. I was all over the place and I have to say that I feel that the roller coaster ups and downs have diminished to some point from before, but then there's a big drop for like 15 minutes and then I pick myself up and move on. Not sure what's better, but I think we are both trying to detach in slightly different ways.

It seems like an external shock can help to make the jump. In the case of Card29, he met someone interesting and then his WAW told him about the affair. In my case (and that of zew above), my WAW asked to start the D proceedings. It's the kind of stuff that forces you to stare in the eyes of our new reality. I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow, but today again, I realize that my fate is already sealed, that there is nothing to which holding on. Time to grab the bull by the horns. I felt good today even though I spent most of the day alone at home, which would have been a setup to cry a lot in the past. I had dinner with a friend (the engineer that reminds me of you!) and I didn't mention the D email until about 30 minutes in, while it would have been big news until about 1-2 weeks ago.

By the way, my friends, like this one, are in complete disbelief that my W could D me. They think I'm a catch and she's a fool. They don't know how things were and I don't take their judgement as a valid view of our M, but I do take solace in it and like to see me in their eyes to gather some strength as I start piecing a new me together. I hope you all have friends like this.

So no spoilers, but I watched American Sniper and saw how his wife stood by him through it even though she didn't understand the journey he was taking or why he was doing it. (...) I actually broke down when I got back into the car, because that relationship and the fact she didn't give up on him hit home so hard.

You're a courageous man to watch such a movie, especially if you knew what was coming. I simply couldn't watch it and would have teared up in the theater, no doubt.

For all LBS out there looking for a tear-free movie, I recommend The Grand Budapest Hotel. I'm pretty sensitive these days and I didn't cry or swell up once! It's on Netflix.

[LoveMyW]

I don't know that I had a Card29-like turnaround, but I definitely feel more detached since she suggested that we start the D.

Moz, I just mentioned about this on Cards thread.. There seems to have been a trigger that was involved (obviously).. For Card it was finding out that W and OM were finished, you mentioned the request to start D proceedings and my own was finding out about NBF/OM..

We could be on to something haha!!..

[Card29]

Mozza, keep going forward, even if it feels like you're spinning your wheels. You're not. And someday soon, you won't feel like a fool for realizing everything when you did. We did the best with what we knew at the time. The real shame would be not learning from this and changing.

I can't remember, have you read No More Mr Nice Guy? Because this:

By the way, my friends, like this one, are in complete disbelief that my W could D me. They think I'm a catch and she's a fool.

is practically a quote from the 1st chapter of the book. I had the same thoughts and convos with friends before I read it. It's not to say you're not a catch! You are because you're so willing to change.

[Mach1]

Thanks a lot Mach1 for coming over and sharing your insights. It's hard to know "what kind of man" I want to be because I don't really know the parameters. I can say that I'm a lot of the man I want to be, but I have 180s that address the issues that pushed my W away. For instance, I want to be less critical and I want to express my appreciation and love more (I'd say ILY 1-2 times a year), and I want to be more present with my W. As for confidence, I think I have plenty in my couple. I have clarity of goals and morals and I can communicate them. I don't think it was an issue. Obviously, I don't want to become the opposite of the man I was just because she left me: there were a lot of things that were already right with me and I want to nurture them.

Not knowing who you are, and what you are, is quite common around these here parts Mozza.

It is the "getting lost in the relationship" that a lot of guys do over the course of a long term Marriage, or relationship.

I think that the line that gets "fuzzy" for us, is that fine line between Love and Obligation. Do we do certain things because we love ?

Maybe we do at first, and then the Primal aspect of our Manhood takes over, and we do certain things be we feel more of an obligation rather than a Love for our spouses...

So which is it ?

What do we change ?

What do WE do differently for our future ?

And I think that is where the DB rubber meets the road.

The TRICK....

Finding out how you define Mozza, and finding out who you really are within....

You don't make the changes just because your wayward spouse "wants" those changes made....

That just perpetuates more of the same "getting lost in' behavior...

Of the conversations that you had with her...what are the things that she said, that upset you the most.

You know the ones....

When she was talking, and the hair stands up on the back of your neck....

What were those things ?

Because those are the things that YOU don't like about yourself...

That burn, or sting (as it's called round here), those are moments of growth, waiting to happen.

What books have you read ??

I recommend reading the 5LL for starters...

A few others, yet that will do for now...

[Mozza]

Thanks Mach1. That's a lot to think about. My IC is also focused on who I am and what I want. I see him today.

I have read T5LL. The language I speak is acts of service and the language my W understands best is words of affirmation. The language she speaks is physical touch and the one I understand best is quality time. Yes, lots of mismatch and I wish I knew that before. Not only would I have adjusted my language, but I would have understood better that I have higher than average expectations for focused attention and forgiven my W more easily when she didn't give it to me.

I'm reading The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion right now and next in my list is NMMNG. I have read DR, of course.