I'm not debating the questions you wrote down, but if I were in her shoes, I would probably think #1and # 3 were really none of your business. However, maybe I am not seeing it. I suppose in her case, it would depend on the mood she's in. Truthfully though, shouldn't you just ask about questions that directly affect the children and you?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks sandi2. On questions 1 and 3, she already volunteered a lot of information about what friends she sees and at what frequency. I don't expect any pushback but if so, I'll move on.
I'm concerned to make it a logistical discussion rather than a philosophical one. Of course, we can move. We could all move to any country that will accept us. But the question is: should we and if so is this the right moment? The answer is very obviously no for me. If I tell her that, I'm afraid she'll just harden her resolution.
She says that she hasn't made a decision but she was saying the same thing about S. Yet, a day after mentioning it for the first time as an option, she wanted to discuss the logistics.
This whole thing is a very volatile mix, especially now that the stabilizing factor of the M is gone.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
If you are settled and have a job where you are now living would you want to move? If the kids are in school and settled right now would more changes benefit them? If as you mentioned earlier she changes her mind and wants to move again then what? You follow her around for the rest of your life?
From what I've read so far you appear to be the stable one at this time and she is a bit all over the place trying to find herself and figure herself out. Eventually she will ( hopefully) settle more and be more balanced. Too me then moving if you all want to would be something to discuss. If she I just running to get away all the problems will keep following her until she deals with them.
What happens if at some point you decide to date and meet someone you like. Most likely they will not want to follow your ex wife every time she wants to move.
I think if she did decide to move it wouldn't take long for her to decide she wants to move again if she has issues with her parents. You have already said this was likely. My advice to you would be to think long and hard about where you want to live and where you think life would be best for you and your kids.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
1. We just arrived here 1.5 year ago and were set for 5-10 years. She is the one changing the agreement. We spent a great deal of money to move and we had several reasons to do so, most of which still exist.
2. The kids have a vast network here, with my extended families and numerous friends. Lots of kids their age. Both of my WAW's parents are first-generation immigrants, meaning that WAW has no extended family in her own country. She left her country at 17 years-old, meaning that she also has a very thin network of friends (like 2-3 people).
3. The kids have been at the daycare and school for 1.5 year. They have their friends and habits. They are both thriving.
4. I have no friends or family over there. Why would I move to placate her and have her live the "dream life" in her country while I'm alone in a very difficult transition period that she has imposed on me? She dumps me, then complains she has no friends so we need to move to a place where she has friends and I don't. SMH.
5. Her parents are getting old, but my parents are the same age. For reasons I won't get into, her parents are likely to live longer than mine. Also, her parents still work full time while mine are retired and have plenty of time for the kids. They can't babysit for two days in a row while my parents will do it for two weeks with pleasure.
6. Money. It's expensive to move. She has not a care for money in general because she's always got more than she earned -- either her parents or I paid thousands and tens of thousands of dollars per year to sustain her lifestyle. She knows her parents will pay for her part of the move. Oh and her country is so darn expensive.
7. It will not solve her issues, which are within her. She flies in the face of difficulties. She'll have the same reflex over there. I can't start a moving circus for the next 15 years. BTW, as usual she'll be convinced that THIS TIME, it's for good, everything will work. It always is. It was for her job 6 months ago and look: she wants to leave the place already.
8. Yes, it's cold here, but winter is depressing in her country. I lived there and hated it. So did she, by the way.
9. A tiny detail: I might not even have the right to live in her country. I'm not a citizen there. As a family, we'd have figured it out, gotten me residency. But once divorced, how do I even request residency? Go to the back of the long line.
10. I'm getting my business off the ground (or I was...) and I can't move to a place where I have no contacts, no business network.
I don't know how she can even entertain that she can, within 4-5 months, get into an A, renounce her vows, take half the kids, and plan a move where she'll be happier but not me. Picture me with my jaw on the floor.
Again: I don't want to make that conversation about the logistics of moving (when? where? what school?). This is framing the discussion as if we are going to move as soon as we clear these hurdles. I don't accept the premise that we should move anytime soon.
What I need is to find a way to present the situation (staying here) as a result of her decisions, not as my refusal to move. It will be almost impossible to deflect her anger completely, but it will be a start.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I think if you made an agreement and a plan to stay where you are for at least 5-10 yrs and it cost $$$ to move and your kids are set up and happy then she would be hard pressed to find a judge that would say yes you can move and take the kids.
Kids need stability and continuity. If she wants to move she can move and come back in the Summer to visit the kids. I would be fighting her tooth and nail with this one. I would get a lawyer and have it pushed right off the table.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
ganb8te | Thanks for the lead. I read Crimson's story some time ago and I just went to ask for an update. What is it that makes you associate his stitch to mine?
Sounds a bit to me like reality is setting in for your W.
In Crimson's rounding the bend thread he speaks about having laid down a boundary asking his W to not send correspondence from L to him because he is trying to heal....then she starts communicating about how much of a difficult situation she's in (she paid $$ for a lawyer and was pinning that on him), that she hates it where they are living...then out of the blue he gets a text "I wish we could move away and start over. Somewhere cool."
Last edited by ganb8te; 02/01/1506:07 AM.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Hi Im weighing in on uour post, First of all your situation is no fun, Im so sorry!
I agree that you should NOT move as it would be bad for the kids and you. As far as trying to find a way tobring that accross.... You did a pretty good job in your point-by-point review. Kids are settled, with friends. Your parents are retired and are much more available to babysit, you have just built network here for your business and the previous move cost money abd the next one will too (and though her parents can help w money yours cant). Moving would only be to accomodate her. Its not a 45min drive its a life decision and evrn if you were together I d not consider it. You need yo think about whats best for the kids and you now. Someone needs to. She will get angry no matter how you bring it accross, Im afraid Try to remain calm. Some things you need to pit your foot doen even if she will then walk awsy. You can not give up your life for her. Hug.
Me: 36 Him: 36 DD: 3y DD2: 1.5mo Together: 5y Married: > 3y D: April 1st '15 after 1y of affairs
Hi Mozza, While it is impossible for me to know why she is suddenly making these requests and being unhappy and difficult, it does sound like she is still searching for that thing that will make her happy.
Therefore it is best for you to keep calm, let her vent and make her "plans", be the voice of reason but don't necessarily try to convince her of anything. I think you are on the right path.
You need to know your rights and protect yourself legally, which you are doing. Good. I wouldn't get too concerned over these new ideas of hers, as you said it is very much like her godmother ideas early in your story.
Let her tell you her concerns and ideas. Calmly give your reasons why you don't agree. Know your rights and don't worry too much about it for now. She can't take the kids and I don't think she would anyway. Probably she is just venting and looking for happiness.
Just like this OM, she is looking for something, someone, a change that will make her happy. But we are learning that you have to make your own happiness and contentment from within, right?
You are doing well Mozza. Remember to stay calm, don't argue, don't let her get you upset. Don't give her a reason to say "that's why I left Mozza". Be cool, calm and confident. Show her your best side.
ganb8te | Thanks for the clarification. I went to look a bit around his thread. I find it interesting that, mirroring my international situation, he had an embryo situation made the whole thing way more complicated, especially as his W was keen to move forward with getting pregnant before reconciling (!).
Mom22 | Thanks for your support. In a way, I'm aghast that she can even bring this up now. But I'll remain calm.
LisaB | Thanks for your support. Ideally, I'd like her to state my reasons for staying, through responding to my questions. Just "Why would I move there?" The one thing she can do without my approval is move there alone. What upsets me a lot is her rush to change things now, in the middle of this D storm (she's always been like that: can't live with uncertainty). She's not thinking anything through and I already get mad imagining her answering "Dunno" with a shrug when I ask her important questions. Why start the D proceedings now? Why is there a 1-year waiting period for D? What would I do in your country? Well, if she does, I'll just observe that she still has a lot to think about.
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I realized that some might think my sitch is getting bad. Funny, that's not really my impression.
In short, I feel it's on track, either way.
It's early (almost 5 months) and all sitches get worst before they get better. I had seen this OM coming from afar, so it was not a step back. I've embraced the fact that they quickly moved in together (routine galore!). I give myself high chances of getting a D before R. I had even predicted that she'd ask to move to her country after he trip home for the Holidays. She's starting to crash: the fantasy world is just reality after all. It's all going according to plan.
Also, I feel better than a few months ago. I now know that my life might be different, but that I will be happy. I've seen divorced people having a great time and good relationships. I still have my kids, if part time. So I see that DB is about saving myself first and I know that it will happen in due time. Or I might get my M back and, hopefully, this would also make me happy. Let's all keep in mind that this is not a forgone conclusion, as much as we want it.
I say this also to all of you who might feel in the dumps. I know we encourage everyone to live in the present, but remember that you're going through a phase and that the future of everyone here will be better than the present.
_________________________
Slightly off-topic...
Lots of people wonder if they should keep their wedding ring. I've taken mine off when she left home, 9 days after I accepted that I couldn't keep her from leaving. It was not a difficult decision for me. I didn't even noticed when she took hers off because it was just another ring for her (she has lots).
This just crossed my mind: I wish I asked my W to take off my wedding band herself on the day that I accepted the S. Pull it from my finger herself. Make the symbolic gesture of taking the M away from me. In any case, it's been long on my mind that if we ever get back together, she will be the one putting it back on my finger. I don't see a big ceremony, but I see it as an important, symbolic gesture.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
